HD,

Wanted to add my support and admiration for you following through and staying aware, checking. I'm really sorry it ended in DDay2...and very pleased you got the truth.

Please keep us updated on your new recovery...I think quitting her job was huge. What do you think?

LA

I think her quiting her job was huge also. She has agreed to basically be babysat until I feel comfortable. Any time she goes anywhere she has someone with her. She states she prayed to let all of the feelings for him be taken from her heart. She says GOD answered her prayer. Who am I to argue with that. We are both Christians and I will not argue anyones faith. I have seen a genuine change in her attitude. She is showing true remorse. As far as a PA goes, does it really matter at this point. The fact that she gave part of her heart to someone else really hurts the most.

Hello Hurt Dad,

I am sorry that you had another D day, but am so glad for you that you kept checking and found another layer of deceit.

You can Say that EA or PA makes no difference to you. But I bet it does. For one, you need to guard against STDs. Who knows what that POS OM carried around with him. For another thing, I just think that it does matter to you whether or not she was physical with him, or how physical they were together. That is why I also encourage you to get the polygraph. She lied to you after D day #1, and fooled you.

Don't let more lies weigh down your recovery and add months to your recovery. From what I've read on this board, it's relatively easy to obtain a polygraph. Why not give yourself this gift. You deserve it.

My Best Regards to you and your wife

Thanks for the support. Being a medical professional she understands about STD's. I told her straight up if there was any physical contact I needed to be tested and she agreed. She assured me that there was none. I feel very strongly she would have told me for that reason.

If she were to tell you that an STD test would be in order for you, she would be admitting that there is a chance that SHE may have an STD. WS's will stop at nothing to avoid looking like the immoral people that they are...and an STD would definately make her look that way...don't believe her...get tested...and, ask her to take the poly.

If you are believing anything she says right now, you are making a huge mistake...JMO...FWIW.

OK, I know you feel very strongly. But just as an aside, I am certain that the vets here can recall situations where a person in the medical fiels lied about physical contact.

But if you feel that way, so be it. You could get yourself checked for STDs anyway.

Just keep in touch with your own emotions and panic and fears. If you find yourself still wondering and wanting more information, ask for the polygraph.

She has lied to you and put you through another D Day. If you find there are more lies of omission or half truths, it will hurt almost like another D Day. Since she has done this to you once already in a really big way, I am concerned that more truths and/or surprises will come out. A polygraph could greatly reduce your risk of more discovery days. They could be smaller discoveries than what you just experienced...just still very painful.

The future is best predicted by past behaviors...she lied after expressing great remorse. Just take care of yourself.

HD, I agree that the fact your W left her job and a huge change in her attitude speaks volumes towards your chances at a good Recovery. but...

I agree with Lake. I had two big D-days with two smaller ones, four in total... I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. What heartache it would have saved me to have just done it after the first or second D-day.

Kind of OT...

Ggirl, you said this:

Just wanted to point out that waywards get very sloppy when they are in the throes of their affair. In general, the fact that they leave information to easily be uncovered I don't think should be viewed as an indication of their willingness or desire to recover...JMO...

Pill,
I was thinking the same thing about the sloppy wayward. My H had a folder with e-mails to and from OW in his e-mail account. The folder was labeled with her initials. A week after he brought her home for dinner, I looked in his e-mail and found the folder. I knew her initials because of the introduction when he brought her home. He did not want me to find that folder. He was just in a fog and only thinking about himself and the fun he was having with her.

I hear ya! I found a love letter that my H wrote to his OW but had never given in his bag...very easy to find, not hidden at all. He had started to de-fog a little when I confronted him with it, and he was so so so embarrassed. He later told me he had completely forgotten he had written it. Huh?

The only thing that makes sense is that he was pretty much out of his mind when he wrote it.

I got you all beat.

When WW was staying at her friends place (OM was conveniently living in a rented basement suite of the house)...she came home one day and did a load of laundry.

Later in the day (she would conveniently leave before I got home) I went to grab a t-shirt out of the clean laundry basket...pulled out OM's t-shirt. Nice, trailer-trash, coke dealing type of t-shirt too (a picture of a hand, giving the middle finger on the front)...it was a nice surprise. Nice enough that I took it out to the backyard...rubbed it on some dogsh!t...then took it into the garage and through it on the filthy, dirty floor. I then told WW that she left her boyfriends t-shirt at the house, just to hear "it just got mixed in with my laundry...nothing is going on" . She came home and grabbed it. I hope she washed her hands before touching OM that night...or, maybe I hope she didn't.

I then proceeded to throw out any clothes that I could remember were mixed in with that load...including my favorite TOOL t-shirt.....#$%^ing b!tch.

It is kinda humorous that I had just purchased some new socks before that, and out of the 4 pairs...I only have 1 sock left. Hmmm...wonder who is wearing them?...makes me wish I had flesh-eating disease or something.

I've enjoyed your stories. With my H it was intentional not being sloppy. I was in bed and he turned on the lights and made noise until I got up to see what he was doing in the computer room. I already had suspicions. After Dday I wanted out of our marriage but it was his persistent effort for R that made me give us a chance and so far our R has been great and I'm happy with my decisions. Yes liars will lie and it's good to have information from people who have gone through this, but not every situation is the same for everybody. I hope this is the case for Hurtdad - that his wife is so remorseful that she is going to do everything she can to R, as my husband did with me. It sure appears that Hurtdad's wife is doing everything right to R.

I think our R is in gear. It is going to be a slow process, but I think we are headed in the right direction. Any suggestions to help?

I think you're doing the right thing here using the steps and as long as your WW is committed to R you both will be fine. It takes time. My only advice is to make sure you understand your part in the relationship prior to A. Because that is the part that will need to change and your W should be doing the same. Doing the questionnaires here helps each of you understand what needs were not met. It's been a year of R for me and my relationship is so much better than what it was. Even my resentment has gone away and I can say I trust my H. I can't erase the memories that were put in my head but I can replace them with what is working for us now. Stay the course...

G

We both realize what the problems were prior to th A. We are in the process of correcting them. Communication on both sides (or lack there of) was a big issue. We are 150% better now. Like you said, the memories just invade sometimes and the hurt resurfaces. I am really trying to get past all of that.

You need to watch her closely for contact. Waywards have a hard time sticking to NC especially in the beginning.

Have the two of you read HNHN? Very helpful in understanding the dynamics of marriage and As and how to meet each others ENs...also includes some SAA info.

It was suggested to me to order the audio version and take a small road trip, which we didn't do but I thought was a great idea.

Yes we are using HNHN since D-Day1. She is just totally into it now.

OK. How about a road trip? Great way to talk and reconnect...even if it is just overnight.

She is currently seeking another job since she quit her job as part of NC.

OK, so a road trip is out of the question...

Things we did to spend more time together following D-day...
~got "Hereos" Season 1 set and watched it together (doesn't really count for UA but it gave us a ton to talk about afterwards since it is a very dynamic show)...
~bought the online version of Yahtzee to play together...the triple yahtzee in particular is really fun...
~took a lot of drives...
~date night at the bar, watch a game and chat was suggested by our MC (since at a bar you are not facing each other and it is a little more relaxing)...

Don't know if any of those suggestions will appeal to ya but good luck!