Our 5th anniversary is coming up in about 2 weeks, and I'm trying to figure out what I should do. We are separated and moving towards divorce, with her wanting the divorce and me not so much. I have not let her know that I remember it, and I don't plan on talking about it.

I know that I can write her a love letter. She responds to that and it won't make her uncomfortable. I don't feel like I should get another gift, except maybe flowers. I don't feel like she would say yes if I asked her out to dinner. Besides, there are friends coming in town who know us well and want us to stay together. She has tentative plans to do something with them, and I think they could really be encouraging to her.

So my question is, how should I deliver this letter? I don't want email, it needs to be hand written. I have thought about mailing, but I don't want it to come early or late. As well, she doesn't check mail every day. I could drop it off under the doormat, and email her to let her know it's there. Or I could just stop by and give it to her, and either stay as she reads or leave then. Both seem akward to me a little bit. So how would you want to receive a love letter? And should I reconsider giving a gift of some sort?

Mel, I don't know your economic situation, but if you have the means, and are in an urban area, why not have it couriered? Or send it FedEx. Guaranteed overnight delivery. Or if you're sending flowers, which I support, have the florist put the sealed letter in with the flowers. Only not roses. Some less cliche. Orchids, if she's exotic. Tulips, maybe. Lilies if she likes them, but some people don't because of funerals. Runuculus. Or some wonderful "garden flowers" like delphinium, zinnias, and such?

hmmm, I hadn't thought about getting the florist to deliver the letter as well. I am concerned that there will be a screwup some how though. And I take it that you don't think I should give to her in person...I imagine that's pressure.

And I like your suggestions on flowers.

I'm leaning towards having Fedex deliver the letter and a florist deliver the flowers separately. However, because of guests in town, I may end up being at the house anyway. If so I may just put the letter on her pillow as I leave or something like that.

The deal with having the florist deliver it with the flowers was the first thing that popped into my head. Well, after the thought of leaving it on her pillow to find, but I couldn't remember your situation and realized that might not be an option.

After reading your response about being afraid that there might be a screw-up, the first thing that popped into my mind was for you to drive by where she lives (if you are seperated) and place it under her windshield wiper early before time for her to get up and go the the car. (If there's rain, just put it in a zip-lock bag so it won't get wet)

Good Luck!
RMW

RMW, we are separated, but I still have full access to the house. We are expecting friends in town that weekend, and it's entirely possible that I will be at the house that day, so I could do the pillow option. I've done it before. However, I definitely don't want friends to be involved or around when she gets the letter. She will feel uncomfortable with that.

I can't sneak into the house or get to the car though. She would hear the garage door open, or the home alarm sound when I open a door. And if she didn't wakeup then, she'd be freaked out knowing that I snuck into the house.

We do have a front porch, and I could easily place a letter and flowers by the front. I have actually dropped off flowers there before, then sent an email letting her know there was something there.

Back on the pillow idea, that means she would most likely not see it till she is going to bed. The upside is that she may somewhat be expecting something, and thus the wait is good. On the other hand, she may be too tired to really absorb it all. And I kind of prefer who to be thinking about it all day.

Is there any other ideas of things to do on an anniversary when you're separated?

Boy, am I anal.

No, that doesn't sound anal to me. (my x was anal and even acused of it at work) It sounds like you are trying to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

I wish I could come up with more ideas. Usually if I'm by myself it would be easier, but I've got three guys wanting to go out with me and there's a LOT of things I have to consider as all three are very different men.

I realize where you stand on the options I gave. I wish I could do better but my imagination has been drowned for so long till it might take me a little while.

"Back on the pillow idea, that means she would most likely not see it till she is going to bed. The upside is that she may somewhat be expecting something, and thus the wait is good."

If the two of you know each other that well then that might be the best route to follow. The big question is (is that something she can expect you to continue with?) I'm not trying to sound mean, but if it's not in your nature, or something that you would be comfortable with giving on an unexpected basis, then it might be too much to ask.

Right now I'm trying to deal with a lot from three past relationships that are trying to get back up with me and sometimes when things get complicated it's hard to give friends the "free" ideas that come when you're not expected to deal with anyone else.

How long till judgement day??

Maybe try the pillow option one day early so that she would be expecting to have a good time with YOU when everything comes about?

Wish I could come up with more. Maybe when I get up in the morning. Let me know - please...
RMW

Thanks for thinking about it. I was kind of hoping that one of the ladies could remember something that a spouse or BF had done in the past that she really liked.

3 guys? Wow, that's good isn't it?


Well, I've done it before and she seemed to like it. I left a note/letter by her pillow once, and another time by the sink. Before we were separated, I never really did this, but between these two letters, and tons of emails, I think it's a pattern with me that I can keep up.


This has to be a good thing. Right?


You mean, when the divorce is final? There isn't a date set. I suspect it will drag out for quite some time.


Well, I don't think she really wants to spend a good time with me per se. If I asked her on a date right now, she'd surely say no. Besides, I don't want to put any expectations on her. In fact, this letter can't be persuasive, pleading, begging, or even really talking about the future. It's our 5 year anniversary, so I want it to do two things. First, look back and celebrate the good things from our marriage. And two, just show a little bit of what I think of her. She knows that already, so I can't overdue the last part.


If you think of anything let me know!

Sorry I haven't been able to think of anything else. The old sponge upstairs just can't go back to the creativity side for some reason.

Those three were the only ones I can think of.
My wording was bad on the "judgement day" thing. I actually meant - when was your anniversary. If you said when it was and I didn't go back and read it please forgive me.

The thing with the three guys is that I know none of them would make a good spouse. Carlos is a guy that even Dr. H told me a couple of months ago needed to be ruled out - He takes the independent behavior thing to the PRO level. His 1st marriage ended because he joined the army w/o agreement from his wife.
Pat is one that I split up w last November (only saw each other 2 weeks). Right now he's in northern Africa in his job and would be gone too much of the time for a serious relationship. And Henry is a guy that I met in a bar about 4 yrs ago when I used to go, and I'm really not interested in a bar hopper anymore. I don't want to hurt any of their feelings, but I don't want to get emotionally attached to any of them either.

I guess if I already had my National Board Exam done I wouldn't be under this extra stress and a lot of stuff would be easier to deal with.

Anyway - this thread ain't supposed to be about me.

I think the flowers thing at work with a nice card would be a good idea even if you give her the hand written letter some other way. Generally a lady likes to get stuff like that in public. Makes her feel important. And then to get the letter in private would be a bonus.

Wish I could tell you more stuff but I generally don't find guys that are good at that sort of thing so I don't have anything they've done to share.

Good luck with it all. Maybe some of the other ladies can come up with some more ideas for you.

I was happy if he just remembered.

oh, judgement day is Aug 23rd. A Saturday.

Yea, it doesn't sound like any of these guys are really all the right for you. I wouldn't worry about hurting their feelings. In fact, I'd prefered when a woman was just blunt with me instead of letting me down easy...IIRC.

And flowers at work won't work. First, because our Anni is on a Saturday, and I really want to hit the day. Second, she doesn't want me to make public displays that I care. She doesn't want friends or coworkers to try and convince her to stay with me because they think I'm a great guy. If we were ok, then yes, public would be good. But then, there's the fact that she's a HS teacher, they are in service right now, so no students, but I don't think she's easily found at work right now.

In fact the daycare called her work to ask her a question and the receptionist didn't have her on her records yet. She's just starting work again. They ended up calling me as the backup.

I'm pretty confident that flowers and a letter wil be fine, but if there are some creative ideas out there for this type of situation, I'd love to hear it.

SHE wants the divorce? Why does she deserve ANYTHING from you? She should see that wanting the divorce means NOT celebrating an anniversary SHE wants.

I did not say that she wanted to celebrate the anniversary. We have not discussed it at all and I expect her to do nothing.

And yes, she wants the divorce, and I do not. There is no infidelity involved in our relationship, it's primarily me not meeting her needs and her believing that I never will. I realize that I do not owe her anything, but I still have hope for us at this point. Ignoring our anniversary would not help that goal. No, I don't want to overwhelm her, but I want
to acknowledge it.

Again, not infidelity, but I am pretty much in plan A mode, trying to give her reasons to believe in us.

I think you need the same wake up call I got. Unless her #1 love language is "GIFTS", You are seriously screwing up and wasting your money. And it's an act of desperation that drives the wedge in deeper!

You best be finding out what her #1 love language is and do that. You don't owe her anything? Man are you sadly mistaken and your marriage will end up just like mine if you keep that mindset. Don't be a fool like me. You have 5 years invested, I have 15 years of thinking like you and now those years are lost.

Man ole man, wake up! You owe her more than you think. Every woman is owed something. Remember your wedding vows? That's what you owe her.

WAKE UP! Don't be stupid. Find out what she DOES need and give it to her. If it's not gifts, don't you dare even buy her a piece of bubble gum!

Get Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages". That book might just save your marriage! If you do not buy this book, then you want the divorce as bad as she does! Take the money that you're wasting on flowers and desperate acts, and spend it on a book that will change your outlook and what you OWE her.

hub,

Yes, I have that book and gifts is one of her top needs, if not the top need. I have really hit this hard over the past few months.


And when I say I don't owe her anything, I mean that I have no obligation to acknowledge a marriage that my wife does not acknowledge. There is no way that she could claim that I did her wrong or disrespected her by completely ignoring the day.

And btw, I have already given her the note/letter last night through email. We ended up in an arguement yesterday in which one of the things she said was that I never tell her I miss her and all the good times we had. Since that's what the note was about, I wanted to send it now so that she new the note wasn't a reaction to what she had just told me.

Have you both taken the test in the back of the book? Cause it sounds to me as if you are not really sure what her #1 love language is


Now this to me sounds like her #1 love language. WORDS of AFFIRMATION. Unless "GIFTS" are her bilingual, which is very rare, I'd stick with the note only. The note obviously says that you need her and that is worth way more than any flowers. That is if "words" is #1 and "gifts" is #2.

Basically, if she hasn't read that book, then you can pretty much just guess what her #1 is by reviewing what she has done for you through the years. Usually they only speak the one language that they know. You should already know this since you have the book.

I wish you the best of luck. Don't give up no matter where it all turns out. Stay focused on you and what you need to do that she needs. It might just work.

For me, it didn't, but it was 15 years of neglect, belittling, name calling, disgust, and selfishness that got me where I am today. She's built the wall and there's no tearing it down. I'm al fixed up though. Good counceling and good friends on MB have got me detached and I'm greatful for everyone here that helped me move on without blaming myself.

Stick around here. There's a lot of good poeple here that can help you.

Yes we did, but it has been years. Gifts are important, but so is appreciation and others are also. It's not the only thing.