I have read as many posts as I can & I see that I am doing everything wrong.

Married 7 yrs., have 1 daughter 5 yrs. old. Recently learned about the affair. I kicked my husband out & he has had the best of both worlds.

I miss him so much & so I am weak. I beg, I plead, I reassure him that I am always here for him no matter what. I am such an idiot.

He is staying an hour from the house & spends most of his time with the OW. When he does come over we are so happy to see him we shower him with affection.

He says he is confused and needs time to figure things out. He also said he prefers it this way because we cherish & appreciate each other now. Totally my fault for showering him with affection.

So, after reading so many posts, I see now that I should take a stance. That I should do a 180 and be strong. So, now I am going to focus on enrolling our daughter in kindergarten, finding a job, and being happy. Is this right? Do I just act like it doesn't bother me. What do I say to him? Do I say anything?

I just want to do the right thing to try and save our marriage. I don't want to seem like the weak fool that is ok with being walked all over.

So, what is the right thing to say? Do I give any ultimatums? How do I let him know I still want to try if all he sees is me moving on? Please help!

I'm a newbie, but was given an ultimatum by my WW/BS after three weeks of a RA. IT WORKED!! I came running back when she cut off my CAKE EATING.

So, were you living away from home? What kind of ultimatum should I give? I just want to do this right.

Then i would say your M is lucky. Most wayward spouses like to push the envelope to see if the BS is bluffing, and the BS usually is.

I would just clearly state that the OW is a interloper in the M and that arrangement is not acceptable.

For safety's sake I would also tell H that until NC is established a STD test is taken, that no SF will be forthcoming.

You may not agree and decide to give your WH SF, but please do so with the utmost caution.

So sorry you are here.

Have you read through these threads?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=407164#Post407164

Who have you exposed to? This is one of the best tools to get you started in breaking the fantasy bubble your WH is in right now.

Is OW married?

Hang in there.

ff,

Sorry you find yourself here. As you have discovered, kicking him out was a huge mistake. But it is not fatal if you play your cards right and start making strategic moves, rather than REACTIVE.

The 180 will not help you, but will harm your situation. This is because your H is already DETACHED; the 180 will only contribute to that feeling of detachment. You can see how well kicking him out has helped, the 180 will just be more of the same. It will push him farther away.

RATHER, you need to concentrate on ATTRACTING HIM. You need to show him that you would be willing to meet his needs if he ended his affair and came back into your marriage. Avoid lovebusters and look for every opportunity to be as attractive as possible. Clean up the house, get your hair done, wear nice attractive clothes. You get the picture.

Do this for about 2-3 more weeks. Plan A should last about 3-4 weeks for women and then Plan B is warranted. Plan B is a complete and total separation. Plan B serves to protect you from his abuse. [adultery is abuse]

When you go dark it is important that he remember you fondly, hence the good plan A before you shut this door. when his affair begins to crumble, and they always do, he will remember you fondly.

Plan B is initiated with a love letter that tells him you love him and tells him what he has to do to come back, ie: end his affair, etc.

Plan B can sometimes yank a WS off the fence. The reason is becasue the OW is usually meeting 1-2 top needs, while you are meeting 3-4. When you are removed from the picture, the OW is expected to meet all his needs and this is where the affair really starts crumblng. Since this relationship is based on selfishness, thoughlessness and deceit, the OW fails to cut the mustard. She can't fill your shoes and the resentment and the lovebusting comes in quickly.

However, if you continued in Plan A much longer, he would not learn this about the OW and would just happily continue cakeeating.

Ok, now an important question. Has this affair been exposed? Is the OW married? What does she do for a living? What does your H do for a living?

Thank you everyone for your support. This site has really helped me feel like I can actually do something about all of this.

The OW is single, and my husband & I don't have anyone to expose it to. I told my half sister, but she doesn't have a relationship with my WH. I told the babysitter, (my close friend) but again, no relationship with my WH. There is one mutual friend, but he only supports my husband's actions as he is a music artist & believes it is only natural.

So, I am a little concerned with not being able to expose the affair to anyone with any influence. So, he gets to go on with the affair like he isn't doing anything wrong.

I am supposed to see him tonight or tomorrow. I don't know how I should act. We usually take our daughter and have a family day. Then he leaves and goes back to his fantasy world.

So, based on everything I have read so far, I shouldn't show him affection, I should focus on myself & my daughter. How does he see what he is missing this way?

I desperately want to buy the book but can't afford it.

So, I don't know that much about the other woman besides she is single. My husband does construction for a living. They met through some friends, people I don't know.

I worked and he had the social life. He worked and took care of us while I went to school. Then we had vehicle problems, he lost his job, i went back to work & he stayed home. Now, he is working & I am at home.

This has to change because I know I can't count on him.

So, I should try and be attractive & appealing for a few weeks, without seeming desperate & begging, right? I allow the affair to continue & then write a love letter letting him know it has to end if he wants to be with me & cut off all contact.

So, how long should I wait for him to respond? Do I let him have a relationship with our daughter? If so, because I don't think it would be right if I didn't, how do I cut off all contact with him?

Oh no, you absolutely SHOULD show him affection. That is part of PLAN A. You should be attractive and PLEASANT. Your job is to be as ATTRACTIVE as possible. You should also slip in there somethere how very hurt you are by his affair but don't let that comment put a damper on the conversation. Clean up the house and make it nice and inviting so he will have something to MISS.

Y'all don't have parents? Family? Is this a workplace affair? Is it his first affair?

IS HE PAYING YOUR BILLS?

He will respond right away. But you dont respond until he has ended his affair. That is the only ticket back to you.


You don't cut off contact between him and your DD. He would have to have visitations. For example, you would allow him to pick her up on certain days for his visitation. He should never be allowed to expose her to his skank.

Who is this OW? Do you have her name? Her parent's names? Do they live together?

We have very limited family. His parents have passed away, and my mother has turned her back on me. I have a half sister that I lost contact with for over 13 years and have just started a relationship with for the last 6 months. Which is why my mother has turned her back on me.

It's not a workplace affair. He met her through some friends, which he is staying with. She doesn't live there. I don't know where she works, but I know she has a child. I know only her first name.

We moved back to this state only recently & have few friends thus far.

It's kind of pathetic really. We have been through so much and really were each others support. We have been everything to each other for so long. So, I feel so lost without him.

My half sister has been very supportive. She is 10 years older and has been through a very similar life. I just told her about the affair and my husband not living at home. She said I shouldn't be alone and that she is there for me anytime I need. She lives about an hour and a half away, but it is better than across the country or something.

I was about to lose it, until I called her and told her everything. I know I should seek counseling and possibly anti-depressants. I want to get through this and be ok.

He has promised to help support us financially, but he has never been good with money. I have always been the one that did the budget. So, I can work & our DD will start school in a few weeks.

I only wish that there was an easier way than just showering him with affection and then feeling absolutely heartbroken and devastated when he leaves at night to return to her & his fantasy world. It crushes me. I want him to just forget about her and come home and tell me what a fool he has been. I just want "us" back.

I know there is a method to the madness, and from what I have read, these steps are the only hope. It just seems so unfair. I know I am ranting, but without a whole lot of people to talk to about this, I will go absolutely crazy if I don't vent at some point.

I will do my best, but it's just so hard. I hate seeing my DD cry for him, & he isn't here. I just think he is so blind. He doesn't see everything he is missing out on, everything he is giving up because of this affair.

There are times where I just want to throw in the towel and move on. Work on myself and eventually someone else will see everything I have to offer. Then I come back to reality and feel my heart yearning for him. Why can't I just let go and learn to love another?

Life is so unfair sometimes. But we can't choose who we love. I can choose to do everything in my power to fight for this marriage though. And I will. I am going to put the last of my energy left into it.

Without this site I would have given up. Without this site all hope would be lost.

Thank you

I know, hon. It is very, very unfair. You can come here and vent. But you are at WAR right now and you have to be SMART and STRATEGIC, not emotional. The affairees are operating on emotions, so if you can put your emotions aside and be strategic, you will have an advantage.

Every time you get an urge to lambast him or carry on, ask yourself this question: do I look more or less attractive than the OW?

No, it is not fair, but the truth is that everytime you VENT to him, YOU MAKE THAT HO LOOK GOOD. So, ask yourself if you want to help her when you feel like that.

You CAN control your emotions and put on an ACT for the sake of your marriage and your DD tomorrow. YOU CAN do that. It won't be easy, but it is in your best interest to look your very best.


It is because he is enthralled with the fantasy of an affair. But the affair is DOOMED.

So, what is your plan for tomorrow when he comes over?

So, I guess I am going to make sure the house is nice & clean. Then I am going to make sure I look good. I will wear something I know he likes. I will also make sure I smell irresistable. Then I will do my best to be pleasant and affectionate.

He likes to be active, so I will plan something for us to all go do. He always complained about me being more of a homebody. So, I want to make sure he sees that we can live an active & exciting life together.

I am just going to do everything I can to make him feel good. One question though: What do I do about SF? Do I do it? Do I am turn him down? I just don't know.

Best to have no SF while he is having SF with the ho. You can let him know you want SF with him, but not while he is having SF with OW. You can say that you do not want to share him. Be careful about STDs.