|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Do you have his home #? I would start there and call and ask for her. Disguise your # using *67 so your name does not come up on caller ID. When you call, ask if this is the wife of XYZ and then proceed from there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151 |
I only have his cell phone. Ty for the *67 tip.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Do you have his name and town? You can look up the # in directory assistance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288 |
I only have his cell phone. Ty for the *67 tip. You say that you know his W's name, so call his cell phone using #67 and ask for his wife. If he is at home, he'll probably hand the phone to her. If not, or he is suspiscious of someone calling for her on his phone...he won't know who you are anyway...no harm done. Then not only do you get the benefit of exposing the dirtbag, but he can also stew about the fact that he was so stupid as to hand the phone over to her. 
Last edited by introvert; 08/12/08 12:07 PM.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151 |
Im reading some of the letters that Dr Harley has written regarding plan A. I see nothing about exposure.
He talks about negotiating an agreement for No Contact.
This is my theory, hash it out with me. Part of Plan A is filling my wife's Love Bank, how will humiliating her accomplish that?
If we agree to no contact after a certain time, and then can move towards recovery wouldn't that be better than exposing to everyone? I know that could be a long time but Dr H also mentions letting plan A take a while.
I am all for exposing once she is dead set on divorce. I believe that will help me ultimately end up with a better settlement.
I just don't see how exposure helps plan A.
And as far as exposing to OMW. If OM and WW cut it off and he is able to reconcile his relationship to his wife with her never knowing this, how could that not be better?
Thanks for your help guys.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Exposure came from Dr Harley, it is not something we invented: But remember to expose your husband's affair to the light of day. Don't hide it from anyone, including your children. Transparency is like chemotherapy. Hopefully, there is someone who is talking to your husband about the tragic decisions he's making, and can influence him to change course.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. And as far as exposing to OMW. If OM and WW cut it off and he is able to reconcile his relationship to his wife with her never knowing this, how could that not be better? You are kidding, right? If she does not know, then your wife is FREE to continue pursuing her H. With her not knowing, it makes it much easier to carry on the affair. Also, he cannot fix his relationship with his wife if she does not know the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Redhead, this is what is encompassed in Plan A:
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151 |
But if my wife has committed to No Contact and total honesty.
Then it is my place to tell OMW. It should be OM responsibility to to OMW.
If I had never found out and my wife committed to No Contact and we rebuilt our relationship..I think that would be better.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.
Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.
So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151 |
He said "Expose where it matters most." If WW has committed to No contact and following four rules...then where does it matter most.
It seems that the purpose of exposure is to bring about no contact. If no contact is agreed then what is that point of exposure?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151 |
But is exposure essential. I havent found anywhere DR H says it is essential.
Thank you for helping me I just want to do whats best.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
But if my wife has committed to No Contact and total honesty.
Then it is my place to tell OMW. It should be OM responsibility to to OMW.
If I had never found out and my wife committed to No Contact and we rebuilt our relationship..I think that would be better. Actually, it is your place to tell the OMW because you know about the truth. The LEAST LIKELY person to tell her is the OM. If your bookkeeper embezzles money from you, isn't it the "place" of whomever knows to tell you? Would you accept it I didn't tell you because "its not my place?" Of course not, that is silly. The chances of the affair ending is MUCH MORE likely if the OMW does know. Are you scared of your wife getting mad at you? I know that some men are scared of their wives. Is she bigger than you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
But if my wife has committed to No Contact and total honesty.
Then it is my place to tell OMW. It should be OM responsibility to to OMW.
If I had never found out and my wife committed to No Contact and we rebuilt our relationship..I think that would be better. earlier you wrote: Just talked to WW. She is going to get our cell phones separated so I cant see her account. I asked her for NC she said she wasnt sure which means NO. Your WW is NOT committed to anything but continued secrecy and deception right now. Why are you asking a hypothetical --- when your reality is --- your wife has her foot halfway into another couple's marriage and you're somehow afraid to tell the other betrayed spouse there is a thief in her home and your wife is that thief! Your wife is doing something despicable - she's a homewrecker - there is no "if" about it. Pep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
But is exposure essential. I havent found anywhere DR H says it is essential.
Thank you for helping me I just want to do whats best. Nothing is "essential." You don't have to do anything. It is your life. We have just told you the BEST THINGS to do to save your marriage. Take it or leave it. If you don't want to take the advice given here, it is your prerogative. We can move on to others that really want help.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
But is exposure essential. I havent found anywhere DR H says it is essential.
Thank you for helping me I just want to do whats best. How about doing what is morally and ethically correct. If you knew OMW's car had a flat tire and the steering wheel was about to fall off - would you mention it to her? It may not be "essential" for your safety - but don't you carry a moral obligation to warn someone unaware of the danger they are in? I despise the OW's husband from my H's adulterous affair 13 years ago. He KNEW - and he did not tell me. He's a horrible person for allowing my marriage to be soiled by his wife and my husband --- when I did "expose" to OWH he said "I read their letters." HE knew and did not reach out to help me - and he had been at our wedding! Would you like to re think your position? Pep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151 |
LOL Im 6' 3" 300 lbs shes 5' 7" 115 lbs.
I am not afraid of her. I am afraid of telling OMW who may not want to face it...not all women want to know. They have a small daughter. I believe together and working on whatever problems they have is better than possibly breaking them up.
What are the first priorities for my marriage?
NC and 4 rules... or Exposure and possibly having the whole thing blow up
If no NC is reached then yes exposure but everyone on the site seems to be rushing me to exposure and I dont see how that would help at this moment.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
adieu, my dear 300 lb tall man
I wish you the best of the best -
Pep
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151 |
Ok well then here is the question I guess I shouldve asked or thought I did... is phone flirting an affair.
I dont know If I have enough to go on to call the OMW.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
728
guests, and
50
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
