Hi everyone...

Took my kids on a vacation this past week....Rec'd 3am text from BW (tends to happen on weekends while drinking with friends). Text tone was angry, I believe...but it said something to the effect like..."what we had together was okay... life you have now can't be any better"....

I am not sure what to make of it and don't want to get my hopes up. I probably jumped the gun but I sent a text back saying I agreed and would love to enter into counseling to talk it through and see what we could do together here....No reply. No reply for last week or so.

These late night texts occur fairly frequently. Usually drinking is involved. Is it just an expression of anger? Is it ambivalence? Should I just put it away and not respond at all?
Or, is there some room to work here?

Black

Can't tell much from texts, I'd CALL!!

Black:

You could have just posted the entire text msg.

THen we could have seen what it said.

As I quoted to someone earlier: "The drunk man says what the sober man thinks"

So, when she's drunk, she is missing you. You replied. Leave it at that. Or resend it during the day. "Did you get this response from me?"

And see what happens.

LG

From your experiences, is that true?

My H and I are in recovery and when he drinks, he tends to talk. But he also will tend to express so much more frustration at our recovery than when he's sober. He and I have agreed that it's not productive to talk when either one of us has been drinking, but your words echo in my head...is what I hear when he's drunk, what he is REALLY thinking but unwilling to say when he's sober?

MogiSola

(old face, new name)

It's just so confusing....I don't know how to roll with the ambivalence. I try to stay open to an opportunity, but it never goes anywhere. I cannot discern if this is just the gasping breaths of a dying relationship, or something else. It is always followed by silence or no response....or something vile. Verbal discussions about such msgs are followed by "I have know idea what you are talking about." These types of comments add to my confusion of course....so frustrating.

MS:

Certainly.

The alchohol releases inhibitions. Too much and the whole thing can become unglued.

Your H says MORE when he's drunk because the brain-mouth circuit is unlocked.

Get him drunk more often and JUST LISTEN. You might get alot closer to some of the real issues in your marriage.

He might get pretty rude, as well. But you want to get those feelings out there. And if this DOES happen, then when he's sober, you can follow-up and discuss them in a non=threatening way.

BW:

Your W is just trying to hurt you. Like you did her. She is also showing regret for her actions. But no one else can see these actions but you, and she likes that. That's why she denies it when she isn't drunk.

Oh well, just keep working your quiet Plan A.

LG

Perhaps it should be time to evaluate if you want to be with someone that drinks so much.

Thanks LG. I am not sure that I want him to drink MORE OFTEN, but I will certainly listen more intently. The trick is not to get baited into an argument or major discussion when he's drunk. Even he knows it;s not a good time for us to discuss things.

Mogi

Yea, I don't think the talking while drunk is a good idea. Maybe something to relax nerves but not drunk. I don't buy the whole you're more honest when your drunk arguement. Many things can come out all wrong when you don't have control. As well, I don't think it helps to get the emotions out when there's chance that you won't remember the conversation in the morning.

While not being this harsh, I would caution you regarding reconcillation during a time when it's obvious your wife is going through such lengths to anesthetize herself.

This is a very harmful way to try to cope...and it really is not healthy for your children to be seeing her abuse alcohol in an attempt to cope.

I think really, you need to shelve reconcilliation and steer her in a healthier coping pattern.

Reconcilliation can wait till she's sober.

I don't either.

The WORST behavior that my husband ever exhibited was done while he was 3 sheets.

He doesn't remember a bit of it, and STILL is mortified at the mention of it.

TG he doesn't drink anymore.

Me too. My W was admittedly drinking all the time while in her A. Does that mean she will always be having an A, because she was acting honestly while being drunk? Doesn't make any sense to look at it that way...IMHO.

The drinking thing has been a point of contention for awhile as my spouse was formerly married to someone with a raging drug/alcohol dependency and I always felt it was poor role modeling for our (her bio) daughter. My younger daughter has expressed discomfort recently with the alleged level of drinking apparently happening down the street at the neighbors....but BW will NOT hear feedback from me on any parenting issue. Period. Many things are happening with our children that BW will NOT address (older daughter's ongoing drug and alcohol abuse)..I just get silence. These things have to be addressed in a functional way regardless of our history together...and I am struggling with approach here too...

I continue to A, just because. I think the "text messaging while drinking" can be informative...Will "listen" for the meanings behind...Would you respond LG or just let them pass? Does this usually fall out with a decision to recover or dump the relationship at some point or does the ambivalence just sort of stay around?

FWIW, my H had his affair during the time in his life when he was drinking more than he had ever done before.

He was saying things to me that were awful. He said things he regrets and NEVER MEANT AT ALL.

There was little, if any, truth in his drunken speeches. I listened because I gave credence to that "In Vino, Veritas" stuff.

So, if it's true that drinking makes you speak the truth:

My husband never needs to ever have sex again. He's reached the point in his life where sex really isn't that important.

He thinks that drugs should be totally legal, all over the world.

He thinks that anybody should be allowed to drink, even kids in their teens.

He would just love to sell everything and move off to the woods somewhere and live without electricity, live off the land, and have me be his "squaw", like we lived in an Indian tribe in the early 1800's.

Right. And he remembers all of this, too.......every word.

This topic is kinda silly when you think about it.

The question is...are people more honest when they are drinking? But, the answer to that question can only be answered by not only the person who was drinking....but, they'd have to be drunk to answer the question honeslty.

Silly topic.

How about this: Maybe, when you are drunk, your reasoning is impaired. this leads to being less inhibited, so that you are more likely to say things out loud that you'd ordinarily refrain from saying, either because you'd be too embarrassed or you'd have better judgment.

But also, being impaired means that you may think something is true, that you won't think is true when you're sober. Those thoughts are also subject to being shared against your better sober judgment.

So maybe, you are more likely to speak whatever's on your mind when you are drunk. But whatever's on your mind, is more likely to be due to drunken logic.

Just something I just now thought up, which I thought I'd share. And I haven't had a drop to drink.