He has been living with her for 5 months or more, gone from home for almost 8. Everyone says that when reality hits, the fantasy will wane. What if he likes his new reality? He seems to like being "Uncle Dad" - he gets to see his kids periodically, mostly while she takes care of them, but he doesn't have much responsibility. As time goes on, he sees less and less of his kids. He gets to enjoy an upper middle class livestyle that he would never have with his own family. <P>I have lovebusted hardly at all, probably not at all in months. It makes no difference whatsoever. Most betrayers waffle a bit, but not him. He has shown no signs of guilt, no waffling, no remorse. Is it possible that he is incapable of feeling guilt, at least related to me? How can he hate me so much, when he has admitted that I always acted like I loved him? Why, a few years ago when I told him I was feeling suicidal during a time of great stress, instead of offering support did he get angry at me for feeling that way? How can he care so much about his emotions and not at all about anyone elses'? Although he was never the most sensitive person on earth, he wasn't always this way, and he used to love his kids dearly. It is not safe to ever assume you know someone, even if you have known them for decades - overnight they can undergo a complete and apparently permanent personality transformation.<P>Everyone says it gets easier with time, but it HAS NOT. This is not a roller coaster - it is a downhill slide. It is harder now than right after he left. I do what everyone says I should - I got a job, I keep busy with the kids, but every day is worse than the day before. What is the point of raising kids to care about others when it is obvious that that is the road to certain misery. <P>

Nellie1, I was hoping that someone with some pearls of wisdom would chime in here, but no one has, and I don't want you going without a response.<P>Your H is being an a**hole. How a man can walk out on six kids and pretend they don't exist is beyond me. Some people never grow up.<P>I could say "That which does not kill us makes us stronger," but it'd just sound like a cliche.<P>So let's just say I hear you...and I feel for you.

Nellie,<BR>My Wife has been gone for eight months and has shown NO signs of waffling or even remotely wanting to come back. She calls about once a week & talks to the kids. Living on the other side of the country and was back for a week in May and saw the kids five times.<P>When her time comes to crash, she is gonna do it big time. Just hope she hurries up, 'cause I don't know how long I will wait. I feel pretty good lately and I know I can survive without her.<P>I don't believe your h hates you. He says it, he probably even may believe it. But in order for him to keep some of his sanity, he can't/won't admit it to himself.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

nellie-<P>I know how you feel. I think that you and I married the same man, with different bodies.<BR>My h has not been the least bit remoseful. He continues to goat my, to push my buttons, to make everything be my fault.<P>All I can say it, ONE day, they will fall. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but they will fall. I believe that these kind of betrayers has such deep seeded problems, that is takes a miracle to make them see their errors. <P>This is my h 3rd marriage. In my opinion, most logicaly people would figure this out long before their 3rd marriage. He continues w/ the relationship like it is no big deal. He is pushing for divorce-which I don't understand-yet he lays the blame at everyone elses feet.<P>Your h does not hate you. He is justifying why he is behaving this way. Deep down, he cares for you-more than he is willing to admit right now.<P>I know it is hard when children are involved. You just want to slap them up side of their head. This is the hardest part for me. To abandon your wife and family is something that is beyond my comprehension.<P>I'm sorry I don't have any great words for you. Maybe someone has the answer. I, too, would love to hear it.<P>I continue to pray for you and your family, Nellie. Stay strong and brave.<P>c

Dazed,<BR>I don't understand how he can leave his kids, how he can make it so obvious that they are not high on his priority list. The trouble is he was grown up when I met him, but now he has regressed.<BR>Chris,<BR>He has never used the word "hate", but he has told both me and the kids that he doesn't like me. Quite awhile ago one of the kids said that it is obvious that he hates me more than he loves them. I hope they crash, sooner rather than later. I wish I were not beginning to doubt that he ever will crash.<BR>cheryl,<BR>This is my H's second marriage - his first lasted two months before his wife deserted him. The fact that he had been married before bothered me for quite awhile (I was only twenty when we met), but, assuming that he was telling me the truth, it wasn't his choice for her to leave. He told me once how much he appreciated that I didn't run as soon as we had an argument, but stayed to work it out. He obviously didn't learn anything from the first marriage, and even went so far as to tell our daughter that when you make a mistake when you are young you should put your past behind you - I think he recycled that excuse from the demise of his first marriage, especially since he was 30 when we married - not exactly too young to marry. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited October 15, 1999).]

nellie,<BR>i have read some of your other posts and feel as we are living a nightmare together...this is more than infedility, this is NOT ABOUT his hate for you, the children etc, this is about a person who has regressed to adolescent behaviour. What makes it so more hurtful is that there is no remorse over any of the actions by these mlc spouses, simply justification in terms of putting down the betrayed spouse to justify actions. After all it is always easier to blame someone else than look inside oneself and this is done as an adolescent does....blame mommy!!! <BR>What is important is not even to expect him to change and listen to reason, from you or any one else. This is about making a new life for yourself in all ways that make sense for you and to make sure you legally ensure he cannot walk out of the families life free of all responsibility.<P>It is so veery hard I know. I got to the point that I had to save myself from this downhill slide and start to make a life which makes sense for me. Do not wait until H makes decisions which can usually only frustrate you. If he wants what was, and if that happens, then you will have the choice. TO HELP YOURSELF, DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM IN TERMS OF LIVING YOUR LIFE I am only now beginning to surface emotionally and it has been 10 months of living hell.