Hey WMF & SB,

It's me... "LUV" I had to change my screen name for...well...reasons I cannot say. But wanted to catch up with you two. I have been reading your posts.

I am doing very well. It has been a little over 4 months now since my D-Day. My husband is going out of his way to rebuild our broken life, my broken heart. We had a "break through" conversation. I see things very clear now - how the A started, continued and how he could not stop he was in so deep. Do, I feel sorry for him , no but I DO NOW understand it all now.

When we were finally able to step back, remain calm and really TALK about the events and details without screaming, I can now see light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have a very long way to go but I have a peace the past few days I am just now able to feel. I didn't think there would ever be a day when I didn't CRY or scream and I have had several now.

A's happen ALL THE TIME. I'm not alone. I experienced something a lot of people go through. I thought it only happened to OTHER people. I have learned a great deal over the past few months and will continue reading and learning. I have grown as a person, a wife and a mom. My life will never be the same again.

But I decided I don't want to give the A so much power over my life anymore I want to LIVE!! Life is short. I want to live and to be happy. He has to live with what he has done for the rest of his life, what else could I do that would be worse punishment? There is nothing so I need to move forward and give my kids back their mom!

Schoolbus

Thanks, it was a nice relief to come to that realisation. Its not that I was resentful that he/we were progressing better than I. Its just that once I realised the cause of my unhapiess inspite of progess of "US" it made (makes) sense and then easier to work on fixing.
Today I feel much more on the right track or "I" "him" and "us".
Each time I feel low I try to identify what part was lacking today and then nuture that part a little extra so all 3 parts keep moving forward.

Again Bingo , so eye opening in terms to realising what the road block is "ME" . I am hindergin my own happiness by not knowning what I need to achieve it. So making more of a concious effort to identify the "what". Also realising that the what is ever changing so its a current "what" and "why".


I absolutely love this . It sounds like a simplified form of the EN sheet but in reality its more of a practical application to the EN sheet. I will absolutely do this. I have a sheet for my own stuff of what I can do to make me happy. So this is a nice extension + it will give my husband direction on "WHAT" he can actually do instead of getting right on to some ficticious mind reading, clue searching, set up for failure, treasure hunt.
So I thank you for that Valuable pice of advise.

P.S.- Can you check out 2b1again's thread. I am sure she could use your expert advise and help. I am concerned for her and can support her but I am not knowledegale enough to point her on what to do

Dear WMF and SB

i so agree with both of you. I also want my H to figure out that i want to talk and when i am ready.

we will try the list of 10 things tonight . i love it! it is more specific than the EN list.

its funny... how i KNOW all the right things to do with my H, but then when i get swept up by emotion ...i dont ACT the way i know is the right way. I fall into old traps.

i need to work more on healing myself, SF

DetlaDawn -
Glad to hear that your recovery is making progress. Its nice to see an upswing in the mostly down rollercoaster.
Your statements also reflect tremendous personal progress and that is even more inspiring to me. Hopefully the non-stop crying and screaming days are behind us for good and we can look forward to many more positive days strung together in a row.

Schoolbus -

I have been working on my list for DH on little things he can do on any given day ( busy or otherwise) that I know are guranteed to make me smile. I am up to 6 so far. I want to make sure I spend some time thinking thru each one to make sure that its a guranteed for me .

I probably wont have a chance to share it with him until monday night but I am excited about working on it. I am determined to once and for all bury this mind reading/childish guessing game fantasy that I have been feeding and looking forward to a new and improved way of communicating to my DH with words instead of telepathy

wmf,

If the telepathy thing ever works out for you, let me know. I get tired of talking sometimes.





My H just said he has dinner ready for me. One of the things he likes to do is cook. That's good because I'm not such a great cook. I'm sort of famous for my cooking disasters - some people tell me I should write a book about how not to burn down thy neighbor's house. I tell them that just because you have set fire to three kitchens (not my own, mind you!) does not necessarily mean you can't cook.

Usually, that is met with silence.......


So, the other day, H and I were talking, and I said I thought I might try some cooking again. He said, "Please, no. Will you not cook if I throw hundred dollar bills at you???"


I guess this means I get some spending money?





SB

This my favorite post from you on my thread ( or any thread for that matter)
It has nothing to do with why I have this thread at all and I love that fact about it.
Is it possible that I dont have to talk about "IT" all the time
So thank you for a totally OT post that gave me a lightbulb moment of progress. I an kinda crazy busy at something completely unrelated for the next few days but I wanted to stop in an acknowledge this milestone if it really is one .
I feel it deserves a quick happy dance so here goes -

P.S - yes you get some spending money, just dont use it to buy any cookbooks

What "IT"??


Hey, this kid told me a story today. It was wonderful. This is a kid who three months ago could not tell you what his name was, so it means that now we can legitimately tell him to shut up and he will now understand. Not that he will shut up, but at least it has meaning in his life, and there is actually a REASON for him to shut up. Because he can talk!

Here's the story. Oh...important to note, this kid tells the story with absolutely no pauses whatsoever in between words or sentences. So I will type it as he spoke it. And all "R"s are "W"s.

my daddy gave me medicine in my butt cuz i was sick and then i throw up and then i poop and i yell daddy come wipe my butt cuz i poop and now my daddy did dat and he make me clean and now my momma get me clothes-zez and put on my shirt and then i sleep and then i get on the bus to go skool and LOOK!!! i got chocolate milk.

Now, isn't this a wonderful world?


This is the true meaning of life:

CHOCOLATE MILK

And here I was, searching all this time.




SB

I am posting so that I can celebrate a change in my signature line. Here is my old sig line so far since I stared posting in June. I hope I wont need the support of this thread in the future. It has certainly been a lifeline for me during a time that I thought I would for sure drown.

So Thank you SchoolBus and JLR (and many others) for being there for me when I was desperately seeking air to breathe. If either of you ever need a kidney, you know who to call.......


Old signature that I am ready to now bury.
_______________________
BW(me) - 40
WH - 47
married 1994 - 3 kids 7,9,11
D day 4/29/08 - (4 weeks after EA/PA began)
NC in place since 5/5/08
I wanna move forward and be happy .


New signature from here on forward.

_________________________
FBW(me) - 40
FWH - 48
M- 1994, 3 kids under 12
D day 4/29/08
Moving forward towards the pursuit of happiness.

Be sure to check in and let us know how things are going. The support can be just normal support.



I'm so happy to see this change.

I was happy to see you giving support to others. A sign of "moving forward" if there ever was one!

And hey - I don't need a kidney so much as I need the winning lottery numbers...............



SB

Hey my friend, wannamoveforward ~

i was wondering where you've been and why i didn't get a 2x4 or so from you yesterday when i posted from the pitty pot....

i was having lunch with my H today and we were talking about posting (and not posting) anymore.... it was then that i learned that you weren't going to be posting anymore.... while i am sad that you are leaving - - at the same time i am happy for you...AND your husband.

i am glad you guys are moving forward. lucky you that it seemed to happen pretty quickly for you (but i know what that eternity feels like). i'm still holding out for that day my H gives the OW up for the one that has loved and cherished him since 1985!! i hope it's soon actually, cause she's proving to be the bigger person in all this and keeping her word when she said 'there's no future for us together....and i don't want contact with you' (or something to that effect)...

well, that day may never come, but in the meantime i'm becoming a different person because of an incredibly selfish act he did and is choosing to continue to be bitter against me and resent me at times for my shortcomings and poor choice not to keep him as my #1 priority in the past....boy am i having a hard time swallowing that one.... if i never truly have him back - - i know it's because of my own stupidity in our marriage. yes, he made the choice to not be a real man and confront me face to face before he CHOSE to cross that line....but ultimately, it's because of my lack of care for him that he made that choice. and it's still his choice not to let 'her' go so we can move forward.... i know i'm not responsible for that last one....

BUT, i will not make that mistake a second time. so, yes, i pray my H will love me again - - and that i can stay in love with him while he remains this alien creature, but most of all i pray i will even get the opportunity to make him happy once again....that we can make each other happy. but if not, i will certainly make the next man i marry one happy dude! i don't think i'm cut out to be single, but i will wait for God to provide that prince for me.....one that's willing to fight for me like i am him........ the alien i am with now doesn't seem to be willing to fight for me yet.... but, i'm holding on...

well, sorry to go off on a tangent there..... but good luck to you both! i hope you don't have to post here ever again as a BS.....or for any reason really other than if you want to keep us updated on how well you guys are doing.... you've worked very hard to get your man back.....keep it up..

thanks for your encouraging words....and even your 2x4's....they knocked me off that pitty pot sometimes.... lol

i'm looking forward to being able to change my signature line too......
take care.