The Emotional Rollercoaster of the BS - The Mood Swings that change not only from day to day but from hour to hour. It feels as if you take two steps forward and one step back continuously. It's as if I am a Jekyl/Hyde, somewhat short-term (hopefully) manic depressive in a sense. It's CRAZY!

It has only been 4 months for me, and I know it will take time. I've read so many wonderful, encouraging posts on this website and am thankful.

The healing and rebuilding takes TIME, a lot of it and the emotional mood swings are all a part of the whole process.

Sometimes I just don't recognize the emotional part of ME anymore.

If your husband is still working with the OW, you will have lots more backward steps. I've been posting here five years and have yet to see anyone recover when the affairees still work together.

And he knows the terms of our NEW RELATIONSHIP. If he has contact with her again, I DIVORCE him - attorney is on retainer now. I will be DONE. There won't be another chance.

It's good you have drawn the line. Does he work with her? If so,he should consider another job,for your sake. If my H's company had not been bought out,there is a good chance we'd divorce because he would have seen her frequently and I could not have handled that.

Don't they work together? If they work together they have contact every day and there will be no recovery.

Yes, he still works in the same company but not the same floor. And yes we are looking for a new job out of the state BUT he cannot just up and QUIT. I am thinking logically not emotionally now and that would be really stupid. If he quits without another job and we have severe financial problems, then the marriage SURE will not make it. We are not strong enough.

I'm not one of these people who are going to stick around if he talks with her again. I'm gone. It's that simple.

But does he SEE her at work? He doesn't have to talk to her to be triggered, just get a glimpse. He is in a perpetual state of withdrawal working with her. He won't recover.

We're trying to help you understand that there aren't any steps forward until contact ends. That is when recovery starts.

Just read through your threads. Sorry to hear of the situation
you are in. ((LTS)))

I was in the same awful situation where H went to work with OW and I had to wait while he got another job...and I think Mel's description of mental torture is a pretty accurate. (btw, pls know that as soon as there is 100% NC, the anguish you are going thru right now will quickly get so much better.)

There are two other posters(that I know of) here whose Hs were supposed to leave their jobs...and as it turned out, months and months and months have gone by and they both are at the same workplace.

How much time do you anticipate it will take for you H to get another job? What happens if he is still there in, say, three months from now with no new job on the horizon and you are in the same place emotionally?

I know. I realize you are both trying to help. It just sucks, the whole thing just sucks. I didn't ask to be in this situation and it makes me angry, so very angry. It's (the job situation) more complicated that I really care to post on this board. But I do get it. I'm taking a huge chance each and every day he goes to work. But at some point I have to have some peace to raise my kids and not WORRY about what he is doing or not doing. He's a grown man I don't want to be his mother.

The harsh reality is that you will never find that peace as long as he works with OW. I know how hard it is. My W is still working with (as a vendor/client work relationship) until tomorrw (her last day), and it really sucks. I feel for you.

Thats right, but do you want to be his WIFE? I think that is our only concern for you, because we know you can't recover the marriage like this. We just feel bad that you are stuck in this hopeless situation.

Luv,

My husband actually worked with the OW for about seven months into our recovery. He had to finish a contract before NC could take place.

Not easy for me, either. But he maintained NC to absolute greatest extent possible, reported all sightings and near misses. He reported any contacts with OWH, and even with the other people who contacted her, although they had no direct knowlege of the A - he covered all bases with me because he wanted to be positive I felt secure.

It was tough. It became easier as it became closer to the end of the job, and it showed that she did not make any attempt whatsoever to directly contact him. I SPIED CONSTANTLY.

I felt terrible about spying, but I also felt it necessary. It is a hard position to be in. My H could not terminate the contract, so we had to run its course. He was done with the job with only one face-to-face meeting, and I sat at home and worried the entire time. He came home and gave me an entire debriefing - there were others there, the meeting was entirely business, and he said it was the toughest meeting he ever attended in his life and he wished he never had to go.

And I could tell he was truthful, because his stress level going and returning was obvious! He called when he parked, called when he got back in the car, and talked all the way home to my arms.

You can get through this. It will not be easy, and you two have to be open and honest and talk about it. We sort of made jokes at times, because it got to be nutty in a way towards the end. It was like the "THING THAT WOULDN'T END" and the only way we could deal with it was to make fun of it all, in a sick and twisted way.

Looking back, it kind of bonded us and pushed her further into the garbage bin.

SB

SB,

Well PRAISE GOD FOR YOU! Thank You for your postive feedback. My H LIKE YOURS did, is in a job situation he CANNOT get out of RIGHT NOW. I cannot change that but I'm not going to demand he quit in order to loose everything we have and have worked for. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

He does everything and MORE when to comes to reporting to me what happens during the day, calls me hourly, and HE HATES SEEING her as much as I hate him seeing her. He is where he wants to be - with his family, he's not with her. He lives with shame and embarrassment of what he did - he will not go anywhere near her at work.

I had a really bad day yesterday. Sometimes these boards just bring me down, get my mind to spiraling out of control jumping to the "what if's" - it can make you crazy. What is that saying...Misery Loves Company.

Thanks SB, it's nice to hear a positive outcome with a co-worker affair situation.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my FWH was also in the situation of working with OW for several months after our 1st D-Day. He did all the things you say your husband is doing. Called me all the time, reported to me, told me he hated her, told me he didn't talk to her. Well, he was lying. He was still being triggered and although contact dimished it did not stop completely. He had also only told me the partial truth about what happened.

It wasn't until all of the truth came out and there was no contact that he could disengage fully.

I agree that recovery cannot start until there is NC for a period of time. My WH still saw the OW at work for a period of three months after D-day. Right until the end, when he had his last day at work, he could not deny her contact conversation and it was only after that day that he wrote an NC letter. It is one of those things that still really bothers me. He also told me that he hated seeing her, that it made him feel ill when she would come talk to him, that he was not seeking her out, but she would find him.

Only recently did he admit that he was lying about seeing her when he told me he wasn't. All part of the fog....