You know PE can be a side effect of porn and masturbation behaviors. Addiction can escalate into arrestable behaviors. Looking at teen stuff would be of concern to me. It isn't too large of a leap to go into a chat room to find a teen to chat with...

Has he cheated on you physically? That's a sign of possible escalation as well.

You know looking at porn has nothing to do with your sex life.

You know he's likely been looking at porn throughout all of your marriage.

IF it is a compusion/addiction, whatever, he's self medicating. Just like an alcholic doesn't drink because they are thirsty. They drink to self medicate.

With couples dealing with this sort of thing, recovery takes 3-5 years, much like an affair. I'm concerned that you'd think you'd regain a healthy amount of trust in 2 months...My husband is 18 months sober and I still don't trust him.

Have you gone to COSA meetings?
Have you healed yourself from your first marriage?
Have you figured out why you keep attracting/committing to these type of men?

Concentrate on yourself. Heal yourself. Find your truths, and make boundaries.

This isn't the time for you to wonder if there are any good men left in the world. This is the time for you to learn to be OK with yourself,so that you can 1) make decisions from a position of strength and 2) be OK with living by yourself if you have to.

Learn more about sex/love/porn addictions here recoverynation(dot)com

I'd research on this site how to effectively set and maintain bounderies and learn better negotiation skills, as well as communication skills.

Good Luck to you!

Hi MumofTwo,

Thank you for your reply. Here's some additional info:

I know his PE was not due to porn/masterbation. I have the unfortunately experience of knowing how chaffed a sex addict is, and my DH has never had that.

I agree interent porn can spill over into real life, and that is why I have zero tolerance for it. He has kept his word since D-Day to stop. He knows if I find he has done it again, it will end our marriage.

The teen videos were listed as 18+, but it still hurts me, as a mother, wife, and woman. He said he did not seek them out in particular and didn't discriminate as long as the video provided the act of sex between M/F that lasted long enough for him to compete with the other male in climaxing last.

He has never cheated on my physically. In addition, he has only had sex twice before me and with the same girlfriend.

I agree that an unsatisfied sex life is a pathetic excuse for betraying my trust and looking at porn. I continue to challenge him in figuring out why he did this in an effort to address any root causes.

I agree it's a bit of a stretch that he did not look at porn the first 7 years of our marriage. The reason I think his story may be truthful is that he explained that it conincided with his discovery of an internet search engine (Firefox) that had a feature where temporarily internet files were not saved.

Thank you for what to expect regarding my regaining trust. I know I will never be completely secure and need contant reassurance from him. It would, however, be nice to ride the Ferris Wheel once in a while instead of the Roller Coaster.

I've never gone to meetings or have gotten any organized healing from my first marriage. I did try very hard to make better choices and feel that I did. However, I agree there does seem to be some similarities.

My next step is to focus on plan A, and I have definitely set my boundaries regarding pornography or any other conduct that is unbecoming of a faithful spouse.

Your last comments are so true. Thank you!

Mrs. Write

Hi Bottlerocket,

Thanks for the site and good luck to you too!

Mrs. Write

Mrs Write,

Even if you feel that your current H is not at the same level of addiction as your 1st H, he still needs to be in a SA Recovery program. That is the only way that you will ever be guaranteed that he has learned new behaviors to deter him from acting out. You may be able to bottle it up with threats "now", but do you want to be going through this 5 or 10 years from now?

I wouldn't try to figure out his issues yourself, you are not qualified to do that, regardless of what you have gone through. He needs PROFESSIONAL individual and possibly group therapy to recover from this.

I speak from living through this nightmare for far too long. Not intending to sound harsh, but give yourself a reality check. This is his issue to recover from. Making promises that you police is not the complete path to recovery.

Good luck! My heart aches for you.

P.S. What are his secondary addictions? Are you watching out for those? Just because he threw the SI swimsuit edition out does NOT mean he has not looked at porn. And just because you haven't found it on your home computer until now ALSO does NOT mean that he has been clean all this time. That's part of the reality check. I know this is hard, but don't try to talk yourself into it being less than it might be.

Normal, mainstream counselors don't do well with sex addiction. As you just found out.

Can YOU get yourself to see a sex addiction therapist? That's when I finally got validation.

Can you get yourself to no-porn.net? There's a messageboard for partners. So does recovery nation.com.

There's also a book called "Shattered Hearts" put out by Carnes. It's for partner's sex addicts. I also have read the 7 levels of intimacy, so I know what a healthy, intimate relationship is supposed to look like.

Before you plan A, heal yourself. Please. Plan A does not work with those who have addictions/compulsions/choosing to self-medicate.

I also found my husband lied to me about his sexual history, when he had no need to.

Mrs Write,
You have been given some good resources. You particularly need to use them for yourself since we know you can't change him. Go to a COSA meeting.

So sorry about your MC. That makes me sick to read what he said to you.

I hope that your next update shares some things that you have done for yourself. You need to get strong so that you can be prepared to move on if necessary from this addict.

Sorry for your suffering.