My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We met online and everything started out fabulous. Since then we have had a few ups and downs, as to be expected. However, my problem is I have a really hard time trusting him. About three years ago I accidently came across something on the internet and discovered that he had joined a "swingers" email site where he posted some 30 emails requesting to "chat" with women. He told me that he would never do it again. However, recently I again accidentally ran into an email (long story) in his trash where he responded to a post on craigslist saying he was interested in chatting with this woman and "possibly more". When I confronted him about this he denied that he sent the email and suggested that his email address was "hijacked". The email he allegedly sent stated he was a male 30years old brown hair green eyes and 160 pounds. He is 35, 170 pounds, hazel eyes. He used this as proof that it was not him. I said that it still could be him especially if he was trying to cover his tracks in case I found it he could say it wasn't even describing him correctly. My problem is that I really want to believe him. I want to beleive that he is not looking to cheat on me. I think he has an addiction on online chatting and I know for a fact that he has done it before. He is sooo sketchy about his computer, always deleteing his history, ect. Now he has a blackberry and I am really concerned about that. I am also concerned because he has plently on time to cheat as I frequently take the kids to my parents beach house on weekends when he is working his second job. I dont know how to approach this with my husband. we have discussed this so frequeently that he gets angry now when I bring it up. I need advice. I want to trust him and I want our marriage to work. I need to get to a point where I can feel secure and not worry about what he is doing when I am not home. Please help!

Hire a PI to determine what he's doing. Once you know, you can decide what to do. It's worth the money.

How much does that run approximately?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, UE...

What brings you together can tear you apart, as they say.

First, tell me why your H is working two jobs? Is it possible for him to work his main one and for you to work in place of the second job?

Doesn't sound like you're getting the 15 hours of Undivided Attention (UA) every healthy marriage needs (those are hours just the two of you...not with kids, even) per week.

Also sounds like you "accidentally" discovering his original posts/emails was a signal to you to monitor regularly...so you aren't deceived--you knew he was cheating them on the "swingers" website. You're not crazy for thinking he'll do it again.

He will.

Consider installing a keylogger, and/or, since you have kids, paying for a pornblocker...you can act to protect your marital boundaries and help him, too.

Did you get counseling, learn communication exercises, implement the policy of radical honesty, protection, time and agreement to recover in your marriage from his first betrayal?

Have you read the articles on this website from Basic Concepts to the rules of marriage? The Giver and The Taker? How about printing out the Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs) and Recreational Inventory questionnaires to fill out with your H?

Is this a first marriage for both of you? How old are your kids?

He can rebuild your trust over time with transparency...up to you to check his blackberry, computer, etc. to know the truth...and his half to not hide...hold himself accountable...both of you exchange all your passwords for emails, voicemails, communication devices, etc.

You can uninstall instant messaging on the computer to also help him to not act out in his chatting addiction. Also takes you chatting with him more...safely...as the partner you are...and to own your half of the marriage, your choices...so you don't act from fear (when we do that, then fear is our experience).

You can do this...you are not alone. Your marriage can survive your H's anger, your pain, each of your's annoyance...it can't survive parenting one another.

LA

Thank you for your advice. My husband works two jobs because we are trying to buy a house. He is trying to make extra money so that we can do this. I work from home. My husband is VERY computer savvy. Installing a keylogger is not a option and a porn block won't work either. I want to ba able to trust him. I am afraid to confront him because he will get angry. I want to talk it out and tell him exactly how I feel and why I still do not trust him. I used to know all his passwords but hes changed them after his account got "hijacked". He has always said he has nothing to hide and if I wanted tohave his computer checked by someone who knows what they're doing he said I could. Not sure if he is bluffing.
We dont really get a lot of time together, you are right. Recently wehave been spending more time together, but I am still not able to trust him. He gets angry when I say I don't trust him because he says I should, because he says he does not lie and will never lie and will never cheat and has not ever cheated. He says that if I dont trust him that our marriage is not working out and that we should probably end it. He has never actually mentioned that he wants a divorce. He always seems happy with me. I am not sure what to think anymore. After the first incident he was wworried that I would leave him and I told him that i would try conseling first. He said conseling is useless and he would never do that. He also said that he would never cheat or do anything that would make me upset, ie. chatting online because he has too much to risk. He said he would not want to risk losing the kids. It is because of statements like this that I actually believe him. I just dont know how to feel and I feel very...well empty.
We have two kids,5 and 3. I need to know where to start, someplace that will be an easy stepping stone. TY!

Going to swinger sites and chatting online IS cheating. Cheating means doing anything you don't want your spouse knowing you're doing.

Brave yourself and just ask him why he's doing it. Ask him what he is not getting out of the marriage and ask him how he thinks it can be resolved. Listen to him and see if you can carry out his wishes.

Read the material here about Love Busting and Emotional Needs and start working on that.

But the one thing you need the most is honesty. Even if you're afraid he'll get mad. His getting mad is about HIM, not you. Embarrassment at getting caught, whatever, it has nothing to do with you. So if/when he yells to defend himself, calmly hold up your hand, say 'ouch' and leave the room. Rinse and repeat.

Is there anyway you can cut back enough so he doesn't have to work two jobs and you can save for a house, maybe on an extended timeline?

I've done it both ways...I installed a keylogger without my WH's knowledge...and I installed a porn blocker with his blessing. Both helped him. He said it bolstered his resolve to not view porn and to not cheat.

Same for checking his cell phone in front of him.

Blind trust is an LB to your marriage. It's loving an illusion, not each other. You are verifying the truth of actions, not keeping him a prisoner. Both of you can choose to exchange passwords for all your stuff...so you stay in reality and not in fantasy trust.

Respects each of you chooses to act from love, every day...makes it so you can see the choices more clearly, feel more loved, and know what's draining your love bank. Has ownership and marital boundaries. It's healthy.

You are afraid to confront him because you assume he'll get angry. So you avoid conflict...another way to attack your marriage. Each partner does this...in their own way...it blocks intimacy and reality...gives us the experience of controlling (by avoiding) insteading of owning our choice to dodge and shift blame.

Not healthy.

Give yourself a new experience...respect that your H chooses what he does, when he does it...you have no control. You choose what you do and don't do, when you do it or not do it...and you alone know your whys. Check them. See if you're acting from love or from fear.

Fear sinks marriages because then what we experience is being afraid of our ally and partner...makes them our enemies.

Your H isn't your enemy...nor is his anger. If he acts out his anger, that's unacceptable. If he feels angry, that's valid. Get to know the difference so you can stop disrespecting him.

And you'll feel less disrespected.

Read all of Harley's articles on this website...get his book "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and learn what you are doing and not doing...because you control yourself. You choose your actions. You matter.

Also get (and the library has these books, too) "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend...so you know your power and your limits. When you change, the marriage changes.

There are personal boundaries and marital boundaries...and how you have a great marriage is by protecting your weaknesses through extraordinary precautions...like exchanging passwords for emails, websites, voicemail, cell phones...which is intimate and honest. Put into place where you do not speak of personal stuff with members of the opposite sex...online, at work, in person, over the phone.

This protects the marriage...and we can do this even when we don't feel like protecting our spouses (because we feel angry with them).

There are two halves to trust...your H lost your trust because he cheated on the marriage. He can rebuild your trust (not to blind trust level) through his choice to act transparently. The other half is your choice to trust him...do not trust him to blind levels again (I don't think you will) because that's disrespectful. You can choose to trust, over time, in small increments.

Takes both making new choices from new beliefs.

Dr. Harley believes we are all wired to have an affair--takes us understanding and knowing this to affair-proof our marriages...staying aware of who we are allowing to meet our ENs or not.

You have two young children...make time for your marriage first. Make sure you get those 15 hours of UA together...that you are radically honest and you don't LB. When you put the marriage first, the children benefit.

If you divorce, you'd lose the house you're saving for, anyway. The kids would lose their parents as the team they are...and you would lose your real partner in this life. Lots of loss...make your marriage your highest priority--which is you, him and the marriage in the top spot. You won't regret it.

Don't make choices based on your feelings...we act and our feelings follow. Read and learn how to have a great marriage...learn what you control and what you cannot control...and be brave...

Courage isn't the absence of fear...it's not reacting to it and acting anyway.

LA

Thanks to both post responders.
Its interesting. Since I started in this direction (coming to this forum/site) and moving towards trying to make things better for my H and myself, things have changed. Certainly not going to avoid anything, but it is interesting.
I have my own business at home and recently we have discussed really expanding and growing my business. As we further disussed the matter I wondered outloud if he would quit one job if I made enough money. He not only agreed to do this but also suggested that he would like to help me and become a partner; in essence, work for me. I asked if he was sure that he wanted to do that - wanted to spend all that extra time with me and he said of couse. He even added that he would like it much better if we worked together and spending extra time together would be better for our marriage.
I still want to talk with him about the other issues becaue they are obviously bothering me. However, now I am not sure if they are bothering me because of what was said and done or if we are not spending as you said the 15 hours of time a week needed. I feel like I know my H well enough to confidently say that he is comitted to our marriage and does not want to seek other avenues. I think catperson had a great idea to ask him what he was trying to get out of what he did. However, he denies that he sent the email to the person on craigslist. Do I believe him? I guess my question would be, is it at all possible that someone hijacked his email account information and sent that reply? Given his responses about it, ie. that it couldn't have been him because the person that sent the post did not have his information correct about his eye color weight and age, does this sound like he is just covering his tracks or does it sound valid? I would love to believe what he told me after the forst inceident which was that he would never do it again. I would very much like to believe in the human condition, that people are capable off changing like that. After all, I used to be a cheater before I was with my H, but after I made my vows with him, I have never even considered cheating on him.
I plan on reading the articles and books you suggested, these were just some after-thoughts. Your opinions are greatly appreciated. TY!