I have seen my own recovery, and that of many other BS follow predictable steps. The steps or stages may be similar but the timelines are very different. Also, once the full set has been run through, stages can be selected in seemigly random fashion.


1.- Devastation.
Fear, shock, confusion, existential pain. Loss of hopes, dreams and every assumption about God and man.
D-day and just afterwards. Don't want to go there again, ever.

2.- Appeasement.
OK, I've been dealt a cr@p hand, but if she will at least stay home SOME of mt life support systems may at least function a bit.

3.- Indignation.
F'k that ! I'm stronger now and i WILL NOT suck up any more pain than I have to. Still scared, but not settling for crumbs.
This is where MB gets SERIOUSLY assimilated and applied. Turns hatred on OM as being to blame for affair.

4.- Gratitude.
The affair is ended, WS sends NC letter, exposure scares OM into darkness. THANK YOU GOD ! LA LA LA LA LA ! Still suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

5.-"Advising others how to be wonderfully recovered like I am"

We have like SF 3 times a day, and a restored marriage is a decent possibility again and I am so PATHETICALLY grateful to not be in the deepest cr@p imaginable I am hyper-happy. Yessiree, no recovery problems for me !This is it for ever and it only took us x months ! Secretly suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

6.-"Ah, theres an elephant in the sitting room"

So day to day life has been OK for a while now. SF, even maybe some ILYs. Kids are happy. Life is ACTUALLY not happier than for years but it is so much better than during the dark times of the affair and withdrawal that it seems that way. But you start to notice the 'elephant' in the sitting room : the enormous baggage of the affair that the BS has been previously too 'fight or flight' or psychotically happy to address. Suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

7.- "I am angry and I don't need you so whY am I here ?"

BS has operated in a loveless and hurt world for so long is now amost completely self sufficient. Is no longer even slightly desperate. Does not NEED FWS as whole life support mechnanism has HAD to regrow without her while she betrayed and sulked over the months. Feels indignation at both the insult of the affair AND the insult of FWS not contributing HARD to recovery. Feels like an ATM machine and bodyguard and hugely taken for granted. KNOWS FWS still loves OP.

8. - What about MY needs ?

BS has developed a sense of self worth independent of what others think. Has had to. Thinks he deserves MUCH more affection, admiration respect, gratitude. " I didn't put this amount of effort in just to be nagged at all the time, and never be praised. I deserve MORE than that!." The kids happiness at a stable family quells thoughts of rebellion. realises OP was just an amoral scumbag who made the most of an opportunity FWS offered , 100% of the blame for the A is FWS. This hits hard.

9. - Resignation

The kids are happy, I am not unhappy, FWS is happy, this is just my lot in life. Better get on with it.

An effort from BS to challenge the peaceful but unsatisfying status quo in an attempt to get BS needs met.

I think what you outlined (re: recovery stages) does a very good job at what most BS go through in the first two to four years of recovery. Although, as a woman, I never felt like an ATM machine (more like the live-in maid/housekeeper/babysitter). Also, I was never one to blame OP for 100% affair (I've always maintained that both OP and my WS were 50/50 responsible). But, yeah-- I get what you outlined!

For me, over the past 4 years (making me 8 years out from d-day), when I look specifically to ADD to your outline, I would have to include the following:

YOU QUIT PUNISHING YOUR WS: You stop the "I don't need you" negative talk; you quit planning your EXIT from the M (just in case); you quit comparing your spouse to other men/women and give up the associated thinking of "X's spouse would NEVER cheat." And lastly, you quit looking for a new soulmate of your own, or a "replacement spouse"-- you know, just in case they're out there waiting for you to find them.

REGAINING RESPECT FOR WS: Giving up on the idea that WS should always be viewed differently-- because of the affair-- in regards to character, trust. My H f'd up royally-- no doubt-- but it no longer DEFINES who I believe him to be. H becomes my H again-- and not a WS who dealt me a "bad hand" in life. You begin to believe in your spouse again-- that they want to be with you and in the marriage. Through their actions, you begin to truly accept that they have made positive changes that are "sticking".

TRANSITION: Moving from "I don't need WS," to "I truly desire to have WS in my life."

HOPE IN FUTURE: A deep peace regarding the fact that I made the right decision to stay married to my H (this is hard for me to explain-- but DEFINITELY moves beyond the feeling of "rightness" that I had even three years after d-day). It's like I believe in us as a couple again-- NO FAKING, the REAL DEAL. As if we are once again GOOD TOGETHER (just like I always believed in us pre-A).

ACCEPTING THAT I WILL NEVER HAVE ALL THE PIECES TO THE AFFAIR PUZZLE: And being 100% OK with that (at least 99.9% of the time). Understanding-- earlier on in recovery-- that to hold on to the anger associated with my demands to "get the whole truth" was causing us more HARM than good-- and thus, I began cutting us both some slack. Acknowledging that if you are lucky enough to get to this point, that even if you slip backwards and start to think, "but IF ONLY I knew this, or WS had done that differently," that you STOP the negative thinking and truly thank your lucky stars that you have your loving spouse in your arms, in your home, and in your heart. (and isn't that all you ever really wanted/needed?)

YOU REMOVE THE SCARLET LETTER FROM AROUND THEIR NECK: You no longer think of them as a WS, or even a FWS-- they become JUST your spouse again. And, if others-- who you now wish you'd never told about the A-- seem to hold a grudge against your spouse, it hurts YOU (and you want/need others to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and remove the letter too!).

YOU'RE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR (FW)SPOUSE: Because you begin to love them that much again. Seriously. I really wouldn't think twice about saving him and sacrificing myself. (How freakin' romantic is that?)

Hope this helps... (I know it helped me to type it out). And, in doing so, I can clearly see how I believe that I have reached certain levels that may still be out there for others to grasp/look forward to in the future.