Mine too. He was there one day and we were happy, then he was gone the next, and I was hysterical. I am so much better off, and will be celebrating one year together with my current boyfriend.

I hate what happened, but wouldn't change it for a thing.

MsMade,

Here is what occurs to me. It is clear from what you have said that you abused your H for years. It is also clear this abuse was mostly emotional. If you are going to counseling, I would recommend that you talk to the counselor about people that have been abused. What they fear? How they react? How someone gets through the walls an abused person builds?

Learn as much as you can while also working on your own issues. My guess is that your H is happy to live quietly right now. Is there an affair? Often in the case of abuse...no. Will there be an affair? Odds are high now that you two are separated that he will heal enough to consider it.

The point here is to work on yourself, and to gain a better understanding of what abuse (emotional or physical) does to people and how to help them. You need tools, then you need a plan that uses those tools. Right now you are short of tools so a plan is not likely to be effective.

Educate yourself first. If he were having an affair and that was the BIG issue in the marriage then the tools here are very effective when coupled with the plans. Abuse, especially emotional abuse is very difficult stuff. You know you did wrong, but it is hard to consider it abuse with no bruises or bumps to point to. But, you know it is. You need more education on this issue then make a plan. Those are my thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

I am focusing on my problems -- I am hyper-aware of all the mistakes I made -- trust me, not a second goes by when I don't think of another thing I did that probably made him feel bad about himself -- stuff that I didn't think was a big deal at the time but added up over time.

Honestly, without my husband, nothing much matters. I take things one day at a time -- if I think of the future, I cry and am afraid. Before I was always so stressed out and not enjoying the moment. I hardly ever relaxed -- he was the king of relaxation -- which was a big point of contention.

I wish he could see me now that he has left. I am a lot more like he wanted me to be -- I sleep in, I try to do fun stuff, I watch tv, I don't focus on the small stuff, etc.

Should I try to contact him? Or leave him alone for now? I think the last time we exchanged emails was late July?

MsMade,

As I said before, gain some insight on how an abused person views things. I think it would be helpful. Do you make contact? I think you should be here is the problem. If in the past you tried to control him and his actions, he may well see what you say or offer as an attempt to regain control. That is his filter, not reality. But, you need to understand his filter and how not to trigger what he fears.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL -- I have been in therapy on and off for years and not one therapist ever pointed out that I was emotionally abusing my husband.

I've been doing some internet research and bought a book -- The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How To Stop Being Abused and How To Stop Abusing" by Beverly Engel.

[color:#000099]According to Engel "even the most loving person" is capable of emotional abuse-that is, "any non-physical behavior designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate." In a reasoned, sensible tone, she encourages readers to become responsible for their behavior and for changing it. Identified are ten "patterns of abuse" (verbal assault, character assassination, etc.), different kinds of abusive relationships, action steps for cessation, and suggestions for recovery. Using dense writing and cogent examples, Engel clearly shows how this type of abuse, either intentional or unconscious leads to low self-esteem and misery for one or both partners. A difficult and draining yet important read for those who suspect that their relationship has entered abusive territory, this book is highly recommended. (Library Journal, September 15, 2002) [/color]

It was difficult to find books about how to stop abusing. Most of the resources are geared toward people escaping the abuse. I feel so horrible about all of this -- I really and truly didn't see all the things that I did that could be labeled abuse. I just sat in front of the computer on Sunday and cried and cried the more that I read. A lot of it described my behavior -- not all of it -- but enough to make me sick. I wouldn't want to live with me either!

Thanks for everyone for their feedback -- especially since I am the one that caused the marital problems.

Okay, here's where you get to stop feeling beaten up and maybe a little lifted up.

You didn't cause all of this. Your H is responsible for exactly HALF of the marital problems. He bears just as much responsibility as you do.

If he were to come in here, he'd get a few 2x4s of his own for not sticking around a little longer to try and work things out.

Yeah -- I guess that is true; makes me feel a little better

This just all really stinks -- divorce/separation sucks -- it is worse than death, I think.

MMM,

I don't understand this quote from you:


Are you saying he no longer pays for half of your marital bills, that he is using what he earns to live off of and is spending a lot of money? What do you mean by the part about 'to make it legal.'?

I was in your shoes, MMM, for 15 years of my marriage. I had no idea, either, how abusive I was...best advice I found on how to stop being an abuser...here...eliminating Love Busters...and at Alanon. God blessed me greatly bringing both of those resources into my life at the same time.

So I'm handing them off to you.

JL was the one who pointed out my DJs, too...see how God works?



Change your whole life...see clearly where you make your choices from...your feelings or your beliefs?

And you're totally correct about how much this hurts...because what you did to others you also did to yourself. Making amends is the way to heal, MMM. You can do this.

LA

Hi LovingAnyway:

Yes, I have assumed responsibility for all of the household expenses. I was the breadwinner in the marriage and luckily have ascended in my job where I can manage the bills by myself. There may not be as much left at the end of the month, but I worked up a budget and think I can handle it.

We had two checking accounts (both jointly owned) but one where his paycheck is deposited and one where my paycheck is deposited. He is living solely out of the account where his paycheck is deposited. Since it is jointly owned, I can see the checks, mac withdrawals, etc. But since April, he has made payments to discover in excess of $6,000 plus he is withdrawing anywhere from $200 to $500 a week in cash. He got a big bonus in January and never put any of it into savings (didn't even register with me at the time.) I've seen the checking account go down to almost 0. So as soon as the $ comes in -- it goes right back out. I've vowed not to look at it anymore and he may have closed the account by now.

As far as "making it legal," I was referring to filing for divorce. He has no interest in acquiring any of our furnishings (even his grandma's antique bedroom furniture) , money in the savings account or anything. So really, he has distanced himself from me physically and has his freedom. He isn't interested in spending HIS money on a lawyer. In fact, he even said that once -- I don't want to get a lawyer if I don't have to.

When we talk, he doesn't want to talk about anything "heavy" which means anything about our situation. I find it difficult to talk about sports and the weather with my husband when we are in the middle of this turmoil! I guess he is emotionally further along in this because he has been grieving the death of this relationship all along.

One other question: What are DJs? And where do I find a list of acronyms. Most I've been able to figure out.

Okay, THAT makes me suspicious...

I know -- tell me about it ! Of course, he doesn't feel that he has to "justify his actions" to me any more because he's been doing that "way too long."

Needless to say, my mind just runs wild -- is he having an affair? did he get someone pregant and buying baby furniture? is he buying furniture for the house he is renting? is he eating out every meal? did he go on a big vacation somewhere? is he gambling? is he into drugs? I know he started smoking again -- but even a couple of packs a day wouldn't warrant spending that kind of money.

you name it. . .I've thought it. I also consulted a private investigator but he said that it would be tough to set up a trail since I don't know what his normal schedule is anymore. The guy didn't want me to waste my money. . . .

Thank you for your response MMM,


Okay, I'm confused here...you say you were the breadwinner and yet your H is supporting himself from his own paychecks right now while you are separated, is that correct? Are you saying you are now managing all the marital bills (obligations) because you can on your budget/salary? Is that why you do thing, because you can?

I'm not being smarttushie here...I really am asking what you make your choices from. It's important.

Next, do you want to save your marriage or not? I thought I was clear and now I don't think I am.

I appreciate your answers and replies. I'll catch on.

LA

Well, I guess he really didn't give me a choice. After he left, I tried to talk to him about the bills and managing the day to day operation of the household (like mowing grass, cleaning gutters, etc.). I would say the household duties were pretty evenly split between the two of us but he handled most of the outside and physically demanding stuff and I handled the finances, taxes, cooking, laundry. We both cleaned.

He got really irritated and replied "You can't tell me you need money." I said "No, I don't need money but it is all very overwhelming for one person." His reply was, "I haven't touched the savings account -- hire whoever you need to."

On the day that he left, later in the evening I found that he had left the mortgage bill in front of the computer. He always paid the mortgage out of his account. So, either I accepted the responsibility for the bills or we went into default on the house.

I felt bad that he only had what was in his checking account and wrote him a check for 1/2 our tax refund and his half of the stimulus payment.

So yes, he is supporting himself on his own salary-- renting a house and paying all expenses related to that -- gas, electric, water, sewage, etc. We are both professionals and can each stand on our own two feet in terms of finances.

Yes, I would like to save my marriage; I think there is enough good stuff to rebuild. He won't even entertain any discussion of reconcilation or marriage counseling but he hasn't filed for divorce either. I just figured since he's not budging an inch, that divorce was inevitable. Sometimes I feel like he is just stringing me along by not making a decision -- to get back at me for hurting him throughout the years. He says he isn't stringing me along but he doesn't make snap decisions like I do. Then in the next breath, he says "I don't see much reason for hope" in regards to saving our marriage.

Most of my friends and family say to just file the papers and get it over with and "move on." Almost everyone I know seems to be talking in the past tense about our relationship.

Easier said than done. . .as everyone here knows.

Thanks for your interest LA -- I really appreciate the feedback.

Seems to me that you have an interest in maintaining your marriage. If that is the case, then don't worry about divorcing at all right now. Your friends say to "take control", but it sounds like that was your problem, you wanted too much control.
Since you can handle the $$ situation, there is no need to divorce to take care of that.

So what should you do?
I agree iwth Seabird and others that your husband is like the classic "walk away wife" that Dr. Harley talks about on this site. Sounds like he got fed up after asking you to change.
You describe him as a laid back kind of guy, so one can assume anyone else you would have a relationship with might also not like your behavior. So be it for him or any possible future relationships, you need to get therapy for yourself.

When you talk to him, try to keep it light. Don't pressure him to do anything. Tell him what insights you have discovered in therapy.

It may or may not be too late for him, but it is not too late for you to look at your own actions and see how they can be improved.

I guess that's the problem -- we don't have any reason to communicate -- he's taking care of himself and I'm taking care of myself. We have no children or mutual friends that would keep us connected.

He has not initiated a conversation with me since he left. If I call him, he will talk to me like we are old pals. But he doesn't seem too interested in how my life is going; I ask him all sorts of questions about what he is doing. Almost like he is trying to make this easier for me by talking to me -- you know, letting the old gal down easy. It is hard to explain -- he is friendly but cold and distant at the same time?

He also won't set up regular times to talk or meet. He says "Well, let's just be surprised." His tone is almost condescending.

So, if I call him, I would have no idea what to say at this point. It hurts to hear that he is going to concerts and going to visit his family -- because I am not part of that life anymore.

Especially since there were so many times that I asked him what he wanted to do on the weekends and he would reply "I don't know -- what do you have planned?" I wanted his input on lots of things but he would say "If I have an opinion, I will give it to you." So it got to the point that I was making almost all of the decisions -- he wouldn't even tell me where he wanted to go out to dinner. He'd say "wherever you want is fine with me" Argh -- it was so frustrating.

So now to hear that he is making all these decisions is tough because I would have loved for him to make some suggestions of things to do. It was a big bone of contention.

It hurts to talk to him so I am avoiding making any contact. so we're at a stalemate of sorts.

MMM,

Your H has honed the craft of Passive Agressive Behavior very well.

Please read the love busters section of this site. Please note that the most deadly of love busters is the "disrespectful judgment", DJ, for short. The DJ is really nothing more than an assumption about someone else, based on no data. This assumption when acted upon often leads to bad results.

You will notice that you are making many DJ's about your H including buying baby furniture.

You will also notice that you like to use "victimhood" as a stance in your negotiations. I am sitting her reading your posts shaking my head.

Here is a woman that obviously is very bright, she is successful in her career, she is financially independent, and she is a VICTIM???? Nope, not really. You are hurt, I got that. But a victim? No, I am not buying that.

Step one stop being a victim. If you want to talk to your H, call him up and talk. If you want to go to dinner with him, call him up and ask about dinner...tomorrow night.

These behaviors are not controlling nor are they abusive. Thinking for him, committing DJ's, having it your way all of the time, those are controlling. Critizing him constantly, putting him down, ignoring him, those can be abusive.

You need to be who you are. Successful, smart, confident, capable of loving and giving. I see the major issue in your marriage as one of "independence". Harley talks about what independent behavior does to a marriage.

With both of you being independent of one another in just about any way, I note there has been no discussion of SF, or his need for SF, then when one or the other decides they don't like the situation, they leave. This happens when love is lost, and nothing loses love like your good old fashion love busters.

MMM, he married you for a reason. Who were you then? How did you act then? What were your goals and dreams then? How much have they changed since then? Is your career really all you want and what defines you?

Harley talks about the "giver and taker" in all of us, and how both of them are very very important for a healthy realtionship, yes the "taker" is as well. How has the balance of giver and taker been in your life lately? Look at it, evaluate it, and then lets talk about it.

Must go.

God Bless,
JL

This sounds a lot like myself and my STBX. When we were dating I planned all kinds of stuff for us to do. As time went on and we became comfortable with each other, she began to take control. She would ask "Where do you want to go to dinner?" I would reply "How about Joe's", she would respond "no I don't feel like that let's go to Jim's". Eventually I quit giving my input, because it didn't matter. That was wrong of me but that's how it happened. She wanted to control everything just like you do. I backed off and let her control things because it really didn't matter to me. Later one of the reasons she gave for her affair is I wasn't being proactive enough. We both made mistakes. But for a passive person like myself, once I began to realize that it didn't matter where I wanted to go for dinner I just let her take control. It was wrong, but it was easy to do.

I would guess your husband was very much like that too. Think back to the early stages of your relationship. Did he plan things and give his opinion on what to do more often?

From most everything I read from you it appears you are very controlling. When a passive person gets in a relationship with a controlling person it is easy for them to just be controlled.

Like others have been telling you. There is nothing you can do about what your husband does from here out. You are not in charge of his well being. You can only control how you begin to live and act with yourself. Focus on being a better person and let go of everything else. There is nothing you can do about it.

This bothered me:


.... are you saying he is NOT communicating like an adult ?

.... because this next quoted comment .... sound pretty adult to me ....




"adult conversation" .... you just don't like what he is saying ... but it is VERY adult

He doesn't want to reconcile - and if your definition of "adult conversation" is "reconcile" , he's not having it .... but that does not make YOU the "adult" and him the "non-adult"

When we are on the phone and I try to talk about our future/situation, he gets really upset and says he has to go.

The most I get out of him is over email -- which is sometimes difficult to get feelings across -- so I'd prefer to talk on the phone.

Okay, if he doesn't want to reconcile, then why is he not filing for divorce?????? If he wants to be free then he should give me my freedom as well. It is not what I want but I will deal with it. For just once, I would like him to take the bull by the horns and do something!!!!!!

Basically, he started this separation and he should finish it . . .don't string me along. He maintains he isn't stringing me along "he just doesn't make snap decisions."

So. . .is he in or is he out???? So he is going to ignore me until I get so irate that I will make the final decision. . and do the legwork and file the papers.

That's why I feel like he is being passive aggressive and childish.