I have to ask this question because it has been bothering me for quite some time. My marriage ended as a result of my WW adultry and her ongoing desire to be with the OM. I live in a 'no fault' state so there are no consequences to unfaithful behavior. She could have slept with a dozen men in the last year and it would not have made a different in the settlement.

In the past few years I have met a number of women who have been divorced 2, 3 and even 4 times. What bothers me is how easy it is for a person to leave a marriage rather than work through the problems and issues. As far as I can tell there is no requirement for anybody to do anything to try and save the marriage. And there are no consequences for unfaithful behavior, or unwillingness to try and save the marriage. No fault simply means the bad guys get away with it.

Even worse, is the fact that most churches don't care if somebody is unfaithful. In the spirit of 'forgiveness' adulterers are welcomed back while the BS often has to suffer alone. My ex WW married the OM less than six months after her divorce and four months after his. You would think that would sound a few warning bells, but nobody bothered to question how two good Christians could reach such a point so soon after divorce, unless they had a 'head start'.

I just replied to your response to my other thread. It seems you and I are on the same wavelength at this point in time. My WstbxH asked for a D, 5 days later I found out about OW, 2 weeks later he was living with her. Up until he asked for a D, I thought I had a happy marriage. So I guess that's why I'm a little bitter. That at it didn't matter a hoot what he did or who he was scr***ing. They now live in a cute little house together where OW has full custody of her DD even though OWH had to call children's aid on them because WstbxH has decided he's going to walk naked around the house - but that's ok in this society.

Sorry, didn't mean to threadjack.

Anyway, I took my marriage to be a commitment. Judging by the number of BH's here, many men do as well. I'm sure I'll meet a man like this someday, but seeing that I really and truly thought Wstbx was one of those men, I am obviously not the best judge of character.

I don't know - perhaps someone less confused should answer your question.

Auto,

I understand you to be saying you don't see the obvious consequences you want happening from your WW's choices...


This isn't true. There are a lot, and they don't stop, even for the rest of her life.

First, she loses you...that's a big consequence--please don't mitigate it by discounting that loss. It remains, and most of the time, widens. You were her real partner, her husband...the rest was fantasy...and fantasy always folds against reality, eventually (it's not sustainable), with razor sharp corners.

One of the ways the wayward mindset continues is to repeatedly choose to see others as the cause, control and cure of themselves. Really rough way to live, even if it doesn't seem so on the outside to others.

I'm with you in mourning the embarrassment society used to have towards divorce...that implied failure...which really meant someone failed to try...wasn't always the case, and won't be. Seems like if you really give it what you've got, there'd be only time for two marriages in a lifetime, eh? Not three, four or five?

As for churches...I truly don't know or understand...the biblical directions for what churches are to do, the public ownership, the communal condemnation of their actions...I don't understand that part. I just know that God knows every heart and he's not duped at all. Fantasy blocks our relationship with him, too.

LA

Yes, there are personal consequences. But there are no legal consequences. The flipside being there is no legal protection for the BS, the children or any other victim of the adultery. Legally speaking, a marriage certificate is not worth the paper it's written on. It's nothing more than a ceremonial token - a souvenier as it were.

Compare this to other types of contracts and it's rediculous. Any contract - employer/employee, bank/borrower, buyer/seller - has legally enforceable consequences should one party fail to meet the terms of the contract. Buy a car, fail to make payments, repo man comes and gets it. It is protection for the party who has been wronged.

But not a marriage contract. A marriage contract is held together only by the faith that your DS is actually honorable and can keep to his/her word. Of course we don't marry people we don't trust, or don't believe are honorable. But lying scum are also talented at faking these traits, not unlike a con-artist. Only in this contract, it's allowed.

I'm pretty sure that's what Auto meant by "no consequences for unfaithful behavior." Correct me if I'm wrong.

Well, you could get a prenup, but that feels like going into it with a lack of trust.

But you do have to wonder what the words, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, through sickness and health, till death do us part really mean sometimes.

And I know we're talking about adultry for the most part, but there are a lot of divorce situations where one is ready to go, while the other is still in it to the end. Of course, then you have the subjective question of how much does one have to try?

Also, I think it should be factor that in the past, women did not have the same role in the marriage as they do now, and were expected to take a lot more crap from their husbands. That's diminished a lot which is good, but it seems as though we swung to far in the other direction.

Tabby, You are correct. That is what I meant. I realize it makes no sense to force somebody to stay married. If the WW wants out she should be allowed out. But, the law should also provide for some penalty for adultery. In our society, we penalize people for breach of contract with fines. So why not say that if a person commits adultery they automatically forfeit 10% of what their share of the assets to the BS. Yes, I realize that would result in more fighting at times, but don't all contract laws do that? 10% is not a lot, but it would be society's way of saying "Hey, you behaved like a jerk an this is the consequence."

As far as natural consequences of adultery, I just don't see it. My former spouse and her OM seem to be happy as pigs in a mud pit. They have good jobs, are respected in their church, travel and so on.

As far as churches go, they pay the price in other ways. I could never go back to my old church or denomination. They have lost thousands of dollars in contributions and also the time I would have given. Right now that all goes to the First and Last Church of Me, Myself and I.

Auto,

FWIW, I agree. I believe contract law applies to marriage. I'm on board with your idea.

As for the natural consequences, the loss of you, her real partner...they are there. No more than anyone from the outside of your marriage could really see into it, nor can you see where their relationship, begun in fog and fantasy, is rent with tears, fears and distrust.

Still there. Consequences keep going...and you may not be privy to hearing the long interrogations of who were you with, what were you doing, why didn't you...or why did you that goes on...still there...same for the tit for tat retaliatory behaviors...because that's what they lived from before.

All going to maintain their self-images, patch 'em up, reform and bolster what wasn't real to begin with. May seem to work now...won't last...because consequences keep coming.

And God keeps reaching.

What I wonder is you choosing to not believe they do, that you are truly a crucial loss, is if you're breaking your contract with self?

LA

Auto I think you are being far too generous. One part of me thinks that the adulterous spouse should be thrown out on their @$$ with nothing but the shirt on their back. This is in line with loan-type purchases - if you fail to keep up your payments, they come and take it away. They don't leave you with 90% of it - they take the whole thing. On the other hand, part of what gets divided in a divorce is time with the children. The children still love their WP (wayward parent) and were not responsible for their actions, so why should they suffer any more than they have to? And they shouldn't have to visit a dumpster to see their WP either.

In my ideal world it would work like this. BS gets the say in what happens with any money, possession and kids. They can decide if and how much WS gets to see their kids and how much wealth the WS can take away. It's up to the WS to beg and plead with the BS to show a little mercy. The only way WS could overrule the BS's wishes is if he/she could prove that the BS was an unfit parent. This puts the onus on the WS instead of the BS (which it is now IF you happen to be lucky enough to live somewhere where they actually acknowledge that adultery might be wrong). If no kids, WS gets the boot with nothing but personal possessions (clothes, toothbrush etc.).