TST - finally have some time to post. We actually had an appointment last night. The appointment itself went well. I am startng to understand what my needs are. The five I started with I dropped two and put two others in. It was very helpful for me to understand. And now I get the LB thing waiting too. What she pointed out to me in one of the needs I had listed, that is was not actually a need, but an area of a LB that my wife does. Which will be addressed but in our next session which is scheduled for next Monday.

I now need to touch up the EQ. And then we are going to go away for the weekend to do our I'd love it if's and I love it whens. Actually we should probably do that before we go that way we will have more one on one time to practice. So the appointment was good and I am starting to understand better.

The time afet the apointment was terrible. My wife triggered and the evening was just not good. I still do not handle her triggers well. She does much better handling mine then I do hers. I know it is suppose to be the opposite way.

Then today for the first time since NC it actually crossed my mind ever so briefly to break it. I had probably the worst couple hours today that I have had all along. I did not break it, don't even know why I would consider it. It would do no good at all. Yet the temptation went through my head. I called my wife and she helped some. Then a friend called I had not heard from in some time and that got my mind somewhere else.

I guess in reflecting, God showed me he would come to my rescue if I would allow him. That is another thing I am very aware of, is the A and how I totally turned from everything I had ever known. What a mess. One day at a time. Just keep moving forward, that's what I have to tell myself.

HTM - it is fine by me that you post here.

It is nice to knwo that others are being coached in the same way. The reading is what confused me. Anyways TST's comments got me to slow down a bit. Because as he pointed out it was starting to overwhelm me.

As far as participating in the recovery I would say I am not doing all that great. I may be participating some, but I am sure there is great room for improvement, and I am sure my wife would second that. I think I can say that here without it being a DJ of what she thinks. For me some of the participation is with reluctance doubting that it will really work. But I have not better plan. And as TST pointed out to me that thinking is coming from still being somewhat fogged out.

I think you're right, do them before the trip and begin to practice ASAP.


After appointment triggers and possible outbursts from your wife are normal. You need to ask Jennifer for some tools to help you deal with her times of triggering. Jennifer will help you with suggestions to sooth her. Write these issues down and address them at the following appointments.


I usually asked my wife if a hug would help when she was triggering, and most of the time she said yes. I would hold her until she was ready to move or I asked if she was OK. I always let her control the amount of time needed to be held.
I also rubbed her hair at night when we went to bed. I rubbed until she was sound asleep.



You did well calling your wife! Then God delivered a friend to call you. This went well.
Remember if you break NC, withdraws start all over again. All the way back to day one!

Glad you remained strong. You certainly don't want to start all over in recovery. Remember this too will pass. Kind of like giving up cigarettes. You feel the urge to smoke and then it goes away.

Hang in there.

Do you mind me asking what your wife does to LB? After you had an affair, it seems a bit picky to be talking about her LB's. Excuse me, I'm a BS.

thanks for the input on the timing TST. Going to schedule our time tomorrow. We agreed on the 1 1/2 hour format. I am somewhat looking forward to it, yet hesitant at the same time.

I will ask Jennifer at the next appointment on how to help my wife when she triggers. I do recognize I am terrible at it. Also have not yet gained the sensitivity to what could trigger her. Jennifer is certainly has ideas. She helped a great deal just by asking me a few questions and helping me identify what my EN are. To give you an idea how bad I had it, I had identified admiration as my number 1 and now it is not in the top five. I didn't have affection in it and now it's number one.

That's why I am looking forward to the sharing time because I am not very good at expressing those needs and Jennifer has given me ways and my wife to of course a method to share without LB each other.

My wife was marvelous when I called her at helping me to start to calm down. I could sense a bit of panic which I understand. But she just talked to me calmly. And yes TST the friends phone call was a God send. I don't consider him a friend to share a lot with but a friend to shoot the breeze with. I had not talked to him for the better part of two months. So a coincidence I don't think so.

thanks for being there TST and walking me through so much. I may not catch on right away, but I am reading and processing what you have to say. Question, how many times did you meet with Jennifer before you and SMB agreed that you could go on without her.

thanks believer and yes it did go away. I have a much greater understanding of what people must go through in trying to give up addictions. My brother had many when he was younger, couldn't understand it. Well now I do. It also took me a while to understand that is what an A is. I had read here for months before I started to see that it could be true. Now I know it is true.

The biggest thing my wife does to LB is DJ's. Jennifer pointed it out to me when talking about admiration since that was my number one. She asked is it because she does not let you finish your sentences, or talks over you I said yea thats it. She said ok those are DJ. And then discussed further and determined that my actual number 1 is affection. So that is how the LB issue came up. We are to work on the LBQ this week to discuss at the next appointment.

I am not trying to be picky at all, but it is our LB pre A that was such an issue. Not the cause of the A mind you, I own that. It was me being selfish.

We actually had one via e-mail today late in the day. In planning our time this weekend of which I asked my wife to do. She jumped to all kinds of conclusions of what I wanted to do of which it was way off the mark. Instead of responding right away, I sent it back to her and asked her to read what she wrote to me and tell me what she thought.

She responded that it was a DJ. She recognized it, and thanked me and apologized. That led to a pleasant discussion about the weekend and we were able to POJA on this. Don't know if that was the best way to handle it, but it worked well this time.

can someone tell me how you do the quote thing without quoting the entire post?

thanks

Hello Not2L8
It is quite easy to quote only part of a post. Just hit the quote button and have a look at the codes at the begining and end of the quote. Everything in-between the codes is going to be in the quote, so if you delete the stuff you don't want you will end up with a shorter quote. If you wanted to put a quote inside a quote then you just need to put in a second set of the quote coding (inside the first quote). If you want multiple quotes (like if you want to answer several questions) then you just need to insert the quote code each time you want to create a quote.
Have a play with it and see how you go. Use the "preview Post" button to see what you have created before you post it and if it looks wrong just change things around (with the codes) and see what changes.

The codes you are looking for look a bit like {quote=Not2L8} and {/quote} but they have square braces not lumpy ones
Can i ask that you read the quote below please?



Hope that helps you

Still going away for the weekend?

yep it is still on. We are both looking forward to it. Shared are ENQ last night. It went as well as it could as we had an A discussion just prior and could not stop it. I wanted to put it off to tonight, but my wife did not. I know not a POJA I just did what she wanted and proceeded. So not done with the best attitudes. But we got through it.

In retrospect I am glad we did. Gives us more time to digest and pick a couple things to focus on while we are gone.

We are leaving at 1 pacific time if you get a chance to respond, would like your input on this. We have the love buster cd and are thinking about listening to it on the way out of town. We are suppose to identify are own LB and how we are going to stop them by our appointment on Monday. I am just not sure if we should do that or not. If we don't that will only give us Sunday eve at this point to get them done. But I don't want to get us in a bad place either. So your suggestions would be appreciated.

thanks for checking in.

IMO, Affair disscussions are not up for POJA. When your wife needs to talk, vent or ask questions, you stop and meet her needs. It sounds like you did well regardless.



I think it would be a bad idea! You need to focus on meeting each others needs and avoid A talk as much as possible. Spend time doing the things that you mutually enjoy.
Avoid doing anything your wife is not enthusiastic about(this is important all the time)


Wait until Sunday. It will only take you about an hour to fill out the LB questionaire. It does not need to be perfect, just identify them and think of a few examples for yourself. The rest you can do with Jennifer on Monday.
Your number one LB is more than likely Independent Behavior(IB).(educated guess)
Whatever you do, don't get into a discussion with your wife about her LB's. If LB discussions come up, I recommend you change the discussion and re-focus on EN's for now.

Enjoy your time together! Hold hands, laugh, and talk about the great moments during all the many years of history you've had with your wife.
You might even enjoy talking about future events and future plans together. Such as holidays, birthdays, etc.

I had not considered the A discussions that way. I need to work on not being resentful when they come up. Not right I know but it happens. Through the reading I am learning it is somewhat normal to be that way, not acceptable but normal. Just have to work through it.

I will take your advice and not take any of the LB stuff. I know we need to keep it positive and focus on filling the Love Banks.

"Your number one LB is more than likely Independent Behavior(IB).(educated guess)"

still quoting the only way I can figure this out...but yea you are know doubt right. That is what I was going to list as probably number one right now. Don't think it was always that, but I know it became that for sure. Although getting better I think. We will see what she thinks.

agian thanks for the advice had I not asked probably would have taken that material and I can see how easily it would lead to Love Busting or send our minds in a wrong direction.

Ok here is how you quote :

type [quote] cut and paste the text from original posters post[/quote}

except see how I replaced the last ] with a } just so it would not work , if I replace the last } with a a ] , which is the correct way, then you would see it quoted in a box like the other posters do it.


Or here is another way , when you are typing your post do you see the quotaion marks above , click on them and then in between the "quotes" cut and paste the text you want quoted.

Hope I am making sense.

Not2L8,

I want to explain something to you. I feel safe saying these things to you because I did the same thing.

Your affair was the most cruel form of selfishness that exists in a marriage.
Your affair was the most cruel form of IB that you have ever displayed in your marriage.
Your affair was the most cruel form of lying that you have ever displayed in your marriage.
Your affair was the most uncaring thing you have ever done to your wife and family.

Your affair has left a trail of wreckage that your family can only survive through your willingness to do whatever it takes.

Whenever your wife has questions about your affair, wants to know answers and shows feelings of sadness and grief, It will be your responsibility to help answer her questions and sooth her through the difficult times.
You are allowing yourself to feel resentful when her pain bubbles to the surface and the hurt is directed toward you. I'm sorry but you have no right to the luxury of that feeling of resentment. Your choice to have an affair is the only reason her pain even exists.

Please keep these things in mind whenever affair talks begin. Know that these talks are necessary for your wife to heal from all the damage the affair created. It will take time. With God's help you will be restored to the man he called you to be the day you were joined in marriage.

For yourself~Focus your eyes ahead, you're doing well!

How was your weekend away?

N2L8,


Just checking in...

How are you doing?
I know you had a session w/ Jennifer Monday, how did it go?

It's easy to withdraw and sit in self pity, so I want to make sure that's not what your doing.

A good friend of mine use to always tell me, "Hey tst, if you sit on the pity pot for to long you'll get a rosy red rash round your rear, so get off the pot so the rash has time to clear".
Makes me laugh every time I hear him in my head.

tst- thanks for checking in.

sorry for the delay...in checking in. First trip went well. Just not long enough. So have been sidetracked somewhat. We do need to find/try more RC stuff to do. We are so disconected. Maybe it is just me that feels that way.

The session with Jennifer was ok. I just started to get overwhelmed by everything she is saying to do. She pointed out that I may not feel anything yet, which is true but just to do them. It all seems so fake. Did you find any of that to be the case for you? I just feel personally like I have taken many steps backwards wondering if I am going to be able to get over the OW enough to truely move on. Just when I think I am, I am bombarded with thoughts and memories and the feeling that is attached there. Then I get really down, yes I start having a pitty party. Probably do have a rash.


I have seen it said here, that it is the feeling associated with the OW that I am addicted to, and that it could have been any OW. Well that does not help. I want to feel something other than helpless and hopeless in all of this. My wife deserves that, and I can't seem to get through this on my side to give her everything she needs. I do think she is trying, and I think she is going to get too discouraged if I don't get my act together.


I do recognize this. I wish I could turn back the clock, and have addressed the issues with my wife in our marriage instead of choosing the A.


I spoke with Jennifer about this, and she helped me in how to deal with this issue. Yes I agree when she needs to talk we need to talk, but it is ok for me to ask about scheduling a time to discuss. To tell her I can't afford to lose love units and to use the I' love it if statements to communicate it. So if it happens that way again, then I will take that approach. I have pretty much discussed when she has wanted to. The only time I was not wanting to, was just before we were going to share our EN with each other. Then I asked to delay sharing EN after our A discussion. My wife wanted to go through them anyways. So according to Jennifer, I should have just told her that this is not a good time to go through the EN as it will cause a loss of love units. So the key is to communicate it without saying Jennifer said, or LB in saying it. I will not use this to shut my wife down about A discussions, but I do need a way to difuse the situation.

I know I am all over the place with this, so help in trying to focus would be appreciated. My mind is in a thousand directions, and I am very discouraged with my progress or lack there of. These thoughts that just come are tormenting. Had a random fleeting thought come through yesterday on the way home of driving into a wall that I drove past. Have not had any of those thoughts since the very first time of NC. I would never do such a thing as it solves nothing, and is more coward in my opinion than anything I could do. But I don't know where such a thought comes from or why.

Well, in reading this post I know there is a lot of pitty potty stuff in it. So I expect the 2x4's but I truely am tired of living this way, and can't seem to shake myself out of it. Why is it so difficult?

WMF - thanks for the help with the quote thing it worked. Someone else tried, but I needed it spelled out better.

You need to allow your W to meet ALL your EN's and then you won't feel so disconnected, not just RC stuff. My bet is you are not letting her in. Start making an effort to allow her in and you will begin to feel the feelings associated with having your needs met. It will build from there.

example:
If your wife hugs you, reciprocate and give her a heartfelt hug in return.
If your wife is rubbing your back, tell her it feels good. I'm sure it does unless of course you're dead. Then reciprocate the action. That's called letting her in.

No, it did not feel fake. I wanted my wife back, but knew I had destroyed her with my selfish choices. So I did everything she asked of me to come home. And yes, it has been worth every ounce of effort. My wife fought for me and my wife saved my life.

I am also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I have been clean and sober for 25 years. I do understand faking it till you make it. I carried that attitude and practiced that philosophy for a long time when I first tried to stay clean. I had to take actions before I felt good about staying clean and sober. It does work.
But, I also know that unless you allow your wife to meet ALL your EN's then you are not going to feel anything. You see, feelings follow actions and unless you allow actions to take place (the meeting of EN's) no feelings can follow.

You are exactly right. I begin to let her in and then I stop. Not sure why I do this. That relates exactly to the song I said I like earlier of Leaning to Bend. The line I relate to is learning how to let her in, the line I struggle with is I will do anything for us. Why? The only answer I have is I am holding on to the A feelings, or I don't believe it will really last and work. Don't know. But you definitely nailed it. I am not letting her in consistently.



I need to work on the hugs being heart felt. I do but not enough. On the rubbing the back thing, I actually gave that to her as a I love it when.