WH is very stubborn, headstrong, and a bit selfish. Even if he says he would be willing to surrender to my "demands", I don't think he would actually be able to. I know from the past that he does not surrender easily...

Thank you turtlehead for your insight. No, that's not the reason why I would throw away 11 years. There were many great times in our relationship. There were also some instances that I perceive to be emotional abuse and maybe a little dependency. I couldn't see it at the time, but do now. Of course, I am sad over the loss of our marriage. Since we've been separated, though, I've tried to make the best of the situation and found out I am actually ok without him in my life. I do love him dearly and care for him tremendously and even miss him sometimes. That will not fade any time soon...especially after the years invested in our relationship and all the trying times we've been through. Those close to me have noticed a change in me - I have gone from being his wife to being me...they see there is a person with a voice that was overshadowed by him.


I told him that we can talk. I think we owe it to both of ourselves to sit down and talk in a civil manner. Some of the dust has settled so we should be able to start to figure out what is what. Even he said he doesn't know if anything is salvageable. We are in different situations than we've ever been in because for 11 years it was "us" and now it's not. I am embracing it as best I could. I found an inner strength that I didn't know existed from going through all of this.


You're right, the trust isn't there and he needs to earn it. There have been one too many instances in our 11 years where he broke trust...whether it was with this PA...a past EA...or simply lying to me about starting smoking again...I don't know. Sometimes I feel that I can take him back and see if he can earn trust...and other times I say "no way! I can't trust him again after all of that! How is this time going to be different?" Again, thank you TH for your advice/thoughts.

Is it healing or more cutting your losses in this stich. If they have no kids together, nobody else to consider in the decison making process. If one person in the M has said they want to move on , then moved out and then served the other person with Divorce papers, I see it as less of a healing and more of a "well this is I am " at this point. I also think that people have different feelings about life after a D based on experiences of people around them. Some people may have seen family members or others live thru a divorce and survie and be happy again allowing them to feel more confident in their own future. While others may not be sure of their "After" and are more reluctant to go down that path so quickly.

I dont know where spins is coming from from I was just wondering if it could be more a comfort in what the future can be like if the past is done and over with even without a "mate" already picked out.

When you say dependency, are you referring to drug or alcohol dependency?

I am not sure why you are coming to her DEFENSE as I agree with what you said. IF you read my post, I was NOT lumping all male friends into the same category...I was speaking of those that expressed interest in her as being inappropriate.

Sorry MEDC, I didn't mean to sound as if I was arguing with you. I was just trying to make sure Spins didn't feel like she had done something wrong. There are lots of reasons she may be healing more quickly than average. She may not even be healing at all, but just dealing with it better than some of us.

That's okay. I just wanted to make sure you weren't reading me wrong.

I would say that she is doing one thing wrong. As evidenced by her thread, she is not entirely sure that her relationship should be over. Until she is sure, her inclusion of any friend in her life that has expressed an interest in her beyond friendship is not appropriate.
Once she has reached the point where reconciliation is no longer even a remote option, I feel she has a right to act as she so pleases.

Keepitreal: When I said dependency, I am not talking about drugs or alcohol. I meant a co-dependency on him and how I FELT I needed him to be happy (and also possibly vice versa).

Tabby may not have been reading you wrong, but I was.


I am by no means perfect so I'm sure there are things I have done/am doing wrong. I will restate, though, that since WH moved out, I felt reconciliation was not an option. I was sure at that moment that my relationship should be over. As I said, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and said if this is how it's going to be, I'll be fine and it's time to move on.

I am a child of divorce. I saw my father suffer through my mother's infidelity for years and then find happiness after their marriage ended. I saw my sister deal with infidelity and as a single mom she survived and has finally found happiness. So, I know I can find happiness also after going through this terrible ordeal. Wannamoveforward made points that hit very close to home in her post about that...maybe I'm not healing but rather dealing with it because I know I can find happiness again.

So, if I am so sure my relationship should be over, why did I post my initial thread? Why am I waffling now? Well, I think what is tugging at my heart strings right now is that he seemed so upset in his emails. I'm a sap and I hate to see anyone hurting. I am a very selfless person and am known to put others' feelings before my own. Yes, I do love him...yes, I do care for him...yes, I want to see him happy and no, I do not want to see him hurting. I just can't be with someone that's going to run away the next time things get tough...I deserve and expect better for myself.

Sometimes I feel that I can take him back and see if he can earn trust...

Well, I think what is tugging at my heart strings right now is that he seemed so upset in his emails. I'm a sap and I hate to see anyone hurting. I am a very selfless person and am known to put others' feelings before my own.

Now that you mentioned the co-dependency or dependency thing, and finding your own voice, I'd like to highlight the above two quotes.

You can investigate reconciliation or not, as you see fit. It seems to me that whichever you do, you also need to address these tendencies of yours and learn to be ... whatever it is that dependent people aren't I hesitate to say "independent" because that borders on the LB of independent behavior. Maybe assertive?

In the first quote, you have it backwards. You DON'T take him back UNTIL he earns your trust. Make him do his work! You are WORTH it.

In the second quote, well, just don't be a sap

Seriously, regardless of your decision with regards to the M, I think you should investigate this. You'll need it whether you're with WH or not.

...Perhaps you should read through some of the many threads here where marriages WERE recovered by using the MB plans and advice before you post again. You may have a different outlook.

Dear PM,

Not everyone needs to endure needless suffering for the sake of trying to save a bad marriage. You may want to consider allowing others to have a different opinion than yourself.

Mrs. Write

Food for Thought: You can't throw away 11 years of marriage just because you decide it shouldn't be 12.