Ok. I quit the job where OM was. NC established. I have done all I can to follow Dr harley's advice so far. I am now working two jobs. I am trying to talk to husband. He says he wants our marriage to work but he doesn't want to do anything to make it work. I say if we do nothing, we fix nothing. When I ask him to meet with our pastor to talk, he says "i am not ready yet." It's been two weeks of "not ready". Then the other night he asks me again why I had my affair. I start to answer him but he cuts me off and says "that's not my problem. I am done with you".

So I am working Plan A best I can. I took him to the city for the weekend for his birthday. Two and a half days and I did everything I could think of for him and when we got home I asked him if he had a good weekend to which he responds "it was okay i guess".

Now this is a weekend where I took him everywhere he wanted to go, to all the events he wanted to attend, all the restaurants he wanted to eat at, all the brewhouses he wanted to try and in the evening made sure we had romantic evenings (romantic in his definition) complete with new lingerie.

and all of it was "okay i guess." I am starting to feel like he thinks if we just let it be the marriage may fix itself. I am still working with our pastor on me. Right now though I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. He has made no effort to do anything one way or the other. He is like Switerland staying neutral.

I have purchased and am reading LOVE BUSTERS (which the site of the book on the coffeetable made him mad). And a friend of mine gave me her set of his needs her needs on cd to download to my ipod. So I am in the middle of reading both books.

What else can I do to get him to want to try or is it just time to move on to the next step of Plan B and let him see what he would be missing if I were gone?

Your H is still in shock and may be there for a while.
Your Affair was the most cruel thing you could have ever done to your H. He needs time to work through this shock and pain.


Continue with doing the best plan A you can.

Things you can do;
Continue reading everything you can on this sight.
Schedule an appointment with Dr. Harley ASAP
Ask your H to join this forum for help.

I am not sure I know all the details. Perhaps they are on a different thread.

I agree with TST that your husband is in shock and attempting to digest the emotional train wreck you have handed him.

That said, you are courting HIM, which is sorta a role reversal from the normal male chasing female thing and he will likely not be used to it.


Ok, so you had sex by his definition, not yours. I detect a bit of resentment there.

Anyway, I am curious. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Can you have kids? If no kids, why not? How old is your husband? I will have more to say upon answers.

Larry

Effort does not correlate with time for results. 2 months is not enough time. BH may not be receptive to working on marriage for at least 6 months from D day or when true NC started. Not have it repaired, start working on it.

Only two weeks of "not ready"? I'm still not ready and I'm 2.5 months into recovery with a W who is working her tail off. I don't really have any advice other than to say that you still have many days of work left, based on your BH's reaction that is similar to mine.

Plan B is a protection plan for BETRAYED SPOUSES to protect themselves from abusive waywards who are in active affairs, so Plan B would not be warranted unless he is in an affair.

He is in his affair. It started mid june. I found out two weeks into it. hence why it is we are both betrayed and wayward.

meant did the whole wear something pretty and sexy thing.
Married 5 years. No kids. It would take medical help to have children and honestly neither of us want to have children. He is 34.

Ok, I got it now.

You had an affair. Then HE had an affair, which he is in the middle of now. So your leverage is nil for various reasons like no kids, you had an affair earlier, etc.

I haven't a clue how to help you. I suggest you contact the Harley's at their coaching center.

If it were me, and you are NOT me, I would likely move on down the road, sadder and wiser.

Larry

When did you quit the other job?

When did you last have ANY contact (including visual) with the OM?

You do realize that you effectively ended your marriage by having an affair, right? If your husband decides to take you back, I think you have a chance to work this out. His "affair" should NOT, IMHO, be given the same weight as yours. You brought this demon to your marriage and now will have to work doubly hard to make it right. You have the advantage of being his wife...even if he doesn't see you that way. Work the plans and don't even think of using plan B on him right now.

You left a lot of question unanswered on your other thread and now you are starting a new one. It is better to just keep a thread going than to have a bunch of different ones going at the same time.

UPDATE 08/18/08

Well this past week we were doing okay and I asked him if he would do the EN questionnaire with me. This lead to him refusing to do the questionnaire as "you should know what my needs are and be meeting them. I shouldn't have to tell you."

I said while I know some of his needs I don't know where he ranks them as they are in a different order than I think evident from our earlier misunderstanding.

He won't do the questionnaire, he won't talk to the pastor, he won't join the forum, he won't read or listen to the books with me. He just wants me to take all the responsibility, absolve him of any guilt and wants me to leave so he can say "Poor me. She left me after she cheated on me. Just like my ex girlfriend before her."

I have been trying to do all the things to fill his love bank. Only to have him not like the way I say a general comment or suggestion and he blows up at me and curses. Saturday night when he started in on me and I kept calmly saying please stop yelling at me and calling me names. you are depleting me. He yelled that he didn't give a ?explict? about my "love bank". And when he called me a specific word, I lost it and put my hand over his mouth and said I would not take being called that.
Next morning he acts like nothing is wrong and is expecting me to continue doing things to rebuild the love between us but he doesn't want to do anything to build my love bank up. I am beyond empty right now. What do i do to draw from to continue?