My husband has been having an affair with the neighbor for 1 1/2 to 2 years now. I only started to learn about it a year ago. He tried the "just friends" routine. Eventually I found out he had bought one of those cell phones you just buy minutes for. When I figured that out the OP supplied him with her sons phone so her spouse wouldn't bet suspicious. I kicked him out a couple of times. The first time was one night, the second was two nights. Finally I found out while we were on vacation to rebuild our relationship he made a call to her. When we returned from vacation I caught him with the cell phone that he kept telling me was gone. That was the last straw. I kicked him out and it has been 2 1/2 months. We both went to see a marriage counselor a few times and finally he said he wanted us to get individual counseling. The big issue is that my husband continued to lie to me about everything even when I had the evidence to prove it. He also lied to the counselor. The day after I kicked him out he got fired from his job. He is living at his mothers. Just two weeks ago he called and told me he ended the relationship with the OP. He said he would answer all my questions. He did. Including the fact that the baby the OP had in December might be his.

His daughter is here. She is 14 and he hasn't seen her for 12 years. So his time is devoted to her for now. I found out the other day he is still lying to me. I don't know if he has gone back to seeing the OP or not. He says not but I can't believe anything he says right now. I am just so hurt. Yesterday I set up an appoint to talk with an attorney.

He says he is in love with me and wants to work on our marriage. He says he has never really wanted to be with the OP (doesn't want the baggage of 4 children) and that she is like the person he broke up with before me. I want to believe what he tells me but with all of the lies it is really hard.

He has been seeing a counselor for about 6 weeks now. He finally confessed to the counselor that he had lied two weeks ago as well. The counselor said he had a long road ahead of him. Coming clean was just the first step of several. How long do I wait to see if the counseling works?

I just feel totally hopeless at this point. I want so much for things to work but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I know it takes time.

Thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry for your pain, Lost but you are in a good place. I think that you will find lots of support and good advise here. Read all of the information on the site and order the books.

I would say that the first thing that you need to do is expose this affair to the OW's (other woman) husband. Do not tell your WH (wayward husband) that you are doing this. I am sure that the experts will be along soon to walk you through this.

God's Blessings,

Say

Lost, has the affair been exposed? Does the OW's H know about it?

Do you understand that you will not be able to salvage your marriage while you are still neighbors with the OW? Can you sell your house and move?

Thank you for the support. I did try to tell the OW husband by giving him a very explicit letter that the OW had written to my WS. The OW found out and went ballistic and called the police on me. I was told that if I went over there again I would be arrested for trespassing.

Yesteday my WS had his golf league. I decided to sit in the Wendy's parking lot to see what would happen. This sits on the road to the golf course. The OW went by me but saw me there and turned right around. No other reason for the OW to be going down that road. I went to the golf course and there sat my WS. I confronted him and of course he denied everything again. I told him that I did not believe a word he had to say. I also found the cell phone again. Of course he kept moving it from hand to hand and said prove it. I told him I saw it and that was good enough proof for me. This is the OW son's phone that she has given to the WS so that they can keep in touch without OW husband suspecting anything. Well I just told my WS it was over and that I did not want any contact from him again. He called me 4 times and I repeated the same thing and hung up. I then left and went to my dad's. He called 4 more times last night and I just let the machine pick up.

I am sure now that he has gone back to the OW and is lying to me again. This is so hard because I still love him so much. We lived together for 8 years and have been married for 2. I thought we had the perfect marriage until these people moved in. They are renting the house. I really don't want to move because my house is paid for. I was hoping to retire in 5 more years and don't want to start a house payment.

At this point I'm not sure there is any hope for our relationship. I do have an appointment with a counselor today and an attorney in two weeks.

I have done a lot of reading on this site. I believe that I just initiated Plan B if I remember correctly.

Again I want to thank you all for your support and advice.

Try to meet with the OWH again, this time on other territory. Do you have an idea where he works, for example? You could arrange to meet him after work.



Your WH sounds like a real piece of work, and I think you may need to ask yourself if you can see yourself in a happy M with someone like that even if he drops the OW.



Here's an idea - once you talk to the OWH, ask him to call his son's phone. When your WH answers, that should be enough for him to be convinced that there is something going on between his W and your H.



Plan B requires no contact at all unless through a 3rd party, and even then no R or M stuff unless your requirements are met, which means that there should be a Plan B letter listing those requirements. It doesn't sound like you've done that letter yet - check this forum and this site for some examples of good Plan B letters.

Hi Mich!

I’m so sorry for the events that have brought you here. What you’re going thru is one of the most gut-wrenching and horrific things nobody should have to endure. On the plus-side, you’re in the right place.

- Start by reading the “For Newly Betrayed Spouses” threads above. They’re filled with great information. Learn about Plan A and Plan B. Somebody around here has a list of “The Stick and the Carrot of Plan A”, I believe this would be very helpful to you. Get the books recommended, and start reading!

- Do not say anything more to your WH, until you have a firm plan in place, a plan to either work to R your M, or move towards D.

- Let the Vets here, help you formulate your plan, and execute it. They are wonderful!!

- Learn about spying to gain the indisputable information you need to do a mass exposure. Do not tell anybody (but us) of your plans, it’ll give the WSpouses time to spin (in your case, again) the A to their benefit.

- Lastly, you may want to ask one of the moderators to move your thread over to the General Q’s area, that area get’s more traffic and you’ll get more responses.



Hang in there, there is hope!!!



The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Thank you BottleRocket and ManInMotion for your helpful suggestions.

I do not feel I can contact the OPS and stay out of jail. I do think that he is starting to get suspicous. I noticed he came home early from work yesterday and went around to the far side of the house like he was looking for someone to be there. Also the night before he pulled in right after she came home and got out and said "I thought you were going to the store".

My WH spent all day trying to call me. He even tried a tatic of saying he was a union member and needed immediate help because he knows that I do that for my union members. He even called me at my counselor's office because he knew I had an appointment there. He left me several message at work and at home. He was begging and pleading for me to call him back. I went to see my counselor before I would do that.

After meeting with my counselor he told me that I am being an enabler and that my WH is a pathelogical liar and it is like an addiction and needs to be treated as such. He said it would take a lot of counseling and him wanting to change before he could be in a successful relationship with anyone. I did ask about answering the phone and talking to my WH. The counselor indicated that I was just being an enabler and I needed to concentrate on taking care of me right now. I need to quit taking care of my WH. We both need to continue our individual counseling.

So when my WH called again last night I told him that I needed time and space to take care of me and that he needed to do the same. I told him that I can't take care of him, he needs to do that for himself. I told him that he had a big problem and that I can't be an enabler any more. He tried to tell me he wasn't with her and that he had given the cell phone back again. Actually, he said it fell out of his pocket and broke so he returned it to her. I told him that was fine but that I needed to have time and space right now and take care of me. I told him that I didn't want him to call me. I said you are making bad choices in your life and lying to everyone including yourself.

I do love him very much but just can't take the hearbreak any longer. I thought we had a good marriage. We always did everything together. We never fought. We had the same interests and could finish each other sentences. I really thought that I had found the right person.

I guess that I need to take care of me right now and try not to worry about what my WH is doing. After talking to him last night I am worried that he might try and harm himself. I don't really think that he will but if he gets so low you never know. I just try to tell myself that I can't let him get to me in that way. I need to be strong and do what is right for me at this time. It is really hard but I know it is necessary.

I really believe that I have skipped Plan A and am at Plan B. Can someone tell me where to find the Plan B letters?

Thanks again for all of your support and encouragement. I am glad that I have found this site.

ok, Lost, this does not make any sense. It is not against the law to warn someone his wife is having an affair. Why can't you call this man and tell him all about the affair? What about other exposure targets like your H's parents, the OW's family, etc? Have your children been told the truth?

It makes no sense to me that the OWH does not know about this affair at this late date. Affairs thrive on secrecy so this is a HUGE MISS that only serves to enable the affair. This is part of the enabling your C speaks about.

I agree that you should go into Plan B. You have been dealing with this a very long time. Women have nervous breakdowns from this kind of abuse, and believe me, what your H is doing to you IS ABUSE.

Did you answer my question about moving? You have to move away from there in order to have any personal recovery, much less marital recovery.

I am looking for Plan B letters. brb

Was your H a pathological liar BEFORE the affair?

MelodyLane

Thanks for the responses. The neighbors have posted a no trespassing sign on the property line. I have been told by the local police that if I go over there they will arrest me immediately.

I do not know any other way to contact the husband. I don't have a phone number for them.

The only thing I was able to do was go over there and give him a letter that OW had written to my WS that was sexually explicit. I also told him that I had seen them together at the grocery store parking lot earlier that day and also that I was sure she had just gotten into WS truck when she walked down the block. I feel that I have given him enough information to be suspious.

As far as selling my house and moving. I really don't want to have to do that if at all possible. My house is paid for and I would like to retire in 5 years. The OW and OWS are only renting the house next door. I was hoping they would move.

Two weeks ago when my WS ended the relationship and came clean he said that they had just signed another lease and had 11 months left.

I did find a Plan B letter to use as a basis for writing one to my WS. I just did that and put it in the mail. He should get it tomorrow.

I do not believe that my WS was a pathelogical liar prior to covering up this affair -- but then again maybe I just wasn't looking for anything like that. It is my counselor that has labeled him a pathelogical liar.

Thanks again for your responses.

Lost, I don't know what you have to do, but if I were you, I would get ahold of the OWH and tell him about the affair. The reason this affair continues is because it is HIDDEN. That no trespassing sign was put up by the OW to keep you from interfering with her affair with your H. By not telling the OWH, YOU ARE ENABLING THE AFFAIR.

What do you mean you don't have phone # for them?? That is not acceptable!

The reason I mentioned selling your house is because you can never hope to recover your marriage living there. It is impossible. Your H can't come home to that house EVER, as long as the OW lives next door.

What is your plan, Lost? Are you just giving up? There are so many missed opportunities here.

Do you want to save your marriage??

Let me put it this way: it is NOT POSSIBLE for your marriage to ever recover living there. NOT POSSIBLE. Do you want to be married or do you want to live in that house?

MelodyLane,

I do not want to give up on the marriage if I think there is any hope at all. I will start preparing my house for selling. I will keep busy by getting painting and preping it for sale. I know what you are saying about WS not ever being able to return to this house as long as OW is next door.I will begin investigating what price range I will be able to financially afford to purchase. I know that is a really horrible time to try and sell but it is also a good time to buy.

I totally agree that the sign has been placed in the yard to keep me from contacting the OWS. When my WS ended the relationship a couple of weeks ago and confessed he gave me a lot of information about how they were able to carry on the A. I am sure that my WS has told the OW that I have all of that information.

The only thing I know is that she has a cell phone. I don't know of any other phone other than her sons. I do not have the numbers and even if I did most likely I would always get her. I have never observed the OWS with a phone.

I believe that the OWS works in a hospital. If I could find that information out do you think I would be within the law to send an anonomyous letter to OWS at his work?

I know that I can not go on there property because the police have been to my house and personally told me that I would be arrested. So it's more than just the sign saying that.

I really do love my WS and hope that someday he will wake up and see the OW for exactly what she is. WS also told me that she was seeing another man for the past 4 months. Someone that her brother introduced her to. Contacting her family would not do any good. Her family does not like the OWS at all.

As far as us, we have no children by our M. WS has a daughter that he had not seen in 12 yrs until two weeks ago. And yes I have made sure she know what is going on. WS's mother just sticks her head in the sand -- will support WS no matter what his decision is.

WS called me last night. I only answer the phone to see if he would be willing to put in writing what he would agree to for property settlement if we were to get a divorce. This was on advice of a financial investment person I spoke with yesterday. It appears that he could go after part of my house (which I totally paid for) and my retirement based on the fact that we lived together for 8 years and have been married for 2. If I can get him to agree to what he has told me that will give me some security in case we are not able to work it out. I told him that he would be receiving a letter spelling out my conditions for trying to rebuild the marriage (my Plan B letter). I kept the whole conversation very business like. No asking how he was doing, how his day went or anything. Just the business I wanted to accomplish.

Even though I am trying to protect my assets I am truly hoping that we can salvage our marriage. I have asked that he permanently and totally end the A. That he needs to be honest with me, figure out why he did what he did and what he needs to do to avoid getting into a situation like that again. I also said that there needs to be a plan in place for rebuilding that has been approved by our counselors. Not just one that he says he will do. I want our counselors to be involved. I know that he will need a lot of continued counseling to address his pathological lying and honesty issues. This is going to be a long hard road and I hope he stays committed to doing it. Not being willing to do this for himself (first) and us would have to be a deal breaker. If we do try and rebuild I don't want to go through this again.

Thanks again for all of your support and assistance.

Lost, I would call him TODAY and give him all of your information. Do not do this anonymously! You have nothing to hide! It is absolutely not against the law to expose this affair! Do this NOW, lost! You are aiding and abetting this OW by keeping her secret! Offer to meet the OWH and give him any evidence you have. Ask him to be your ally in killing this affair and give him all of your contact info.

Secondly, since the economy is horrid in your state, what about renting out your house and moving? That way you could hang onto it for another year until the housing prices normalize.