This is my life: scenario 1 I had no problem w/ scenario 2 haunts me like there is no tomorrow. The question is, what is the real difference between them and why can’t I let scenario 2 go like I did scenario 1 and just be happy w/ my FWW?

1) First wife was talking to a guy at work. I knew him and he was not attractive at all. My wife would ask to go to country music concerts w/ him on occasion and I allowed her to go.(mistake, I know) She ended up wanting to be separated and of course immediately wanted to date this guy. They lived together for a while. Then the relationship blew up in her face and she asked if we could reconcile. I could easily talk to her or have a relationship w/ her if I wasn’t into someone else already. Even after she was living with him. We’d talk about getting back together and I had no reservations even though she’d been having sex w/ this guy.

2) Second wife talks to a guy at work. I didn’t know him or that it was going on at all. Wife has an A complete unknown to me. Confesses because OMW finds out. She says it was a big mistake. She never loved him. Tells him its over and has never looked back. All she ever wanted was me to pay more attention to her which I had been doing lately. She is back to treating me like a king, all over me, etc. I’m all upset, go have a RA, let it take up so much of my time dwelling on it, think so little of her.

Question: What is the real difference between the two scenarios at the end of the day. It seems you wind up in the same spot, but #1 hardly bother me, while #2 rocked my world.

It seems like in case #1, WS never really lied to you or did anything behind you...and you knowingly allowed everything. In cased #2, she lied and betrayed your trust. I would think in #1, you could trust her not to do anything without you knowing really. #2, not so much?

I trust wife #2 without a doubt. I'm not worried at all of a repeat performance. So what is holding be back from letting it go? Just the betrayal? The images? With scenario 1, there were little to no images.

You said the 1st OM wasn't good looking. Was the 2nd OM good looking, or maybe you don't know? I'm grasping here, but maybe you feel like the better man in the 1st scenario, but not sure in the 2nd?

I don't know for certain, but everything she says is that he was not comparable. Maybe the lack of certainty is the problem. I know in my heart he was not comparable as she stayed w/ me in the end. She has also put up w/ an RA which would be a perfect excuse to exit stage right if she wanted the OM.

Dude,

If you come up with an answer, I'd love to hear it. I was like your first WW. My ex knew about the phone calls to OM, knew when I saw him, he just didn't care. I left ex and ex gave OM a job! We did reconcile after 2 1/2 years apart, but it didn't last, ex ended up having his own A.

I always assumed that my ex was just indifferent to me, he was indifferent to my leaving and when I came back he figured it was better than being alone (he dated while we were apart but nothing lasted).

My ex was much nicer to me when we were apart during my waywardness. He has been nothing but an a$$ since he caught the wayward bug.

So, yes, if you can figure out why you were so easy to accept your first wife's affair, I would love the insight.

I think one of the key differences is that in the first scenario, you two separated and your wife then started dating. You were apart - and then when she decided she wanted to reconcile things you had already moved on. Your mind was separated and also your heart by the time she had gone on to the OM.

With your current wife, it blindsided you. Your heart and mind were both still connected to her. There was nothing separated about the two of you from your side of things, so you were betrayed.


SB

I would agree with schoolbus.

Larry

I do as well except to say that it is most unlikely in scenario #1 that the affair/dating started after they separated.

Sounds like a prime example of the cliche, "Once burned, twice shy"

I agree with schoolbus, and would add that part of your current problem is that now YOU are also an adulterer.

You have "leveled the playing field" and found it "wanting."

Forgiveness does not seem to be a very high priority right now and until you "wrap your head around" what forgiveness really means, you'll likely remain in "limbo."

Riddle me this...

"To err is human, to forgive is divine."

What might that mean to you and to your situation?

No difference.

Which is better:

1 OM SF 10 times

10 OM SF 1 time each

It all sucks.