Hi,
I am not sure what I should do in my situation and hope that I can get some help from this forum. Here is my story or at least part of it.
I found out that my husband was having an affair in 2004. He came to me in June of that year and told me. I thought something was going on for sometime, of course he denied everything. After he told me he didn't want me to tell my family, he said we could work it out without anyone in the family knowing. I agreed and didn't tell anyone for awhile. After many months I could not take it anymore, I knew that he was still seeing her. I told my younger sister, she agreed not to tell anyone. Well, he didn't leave her but continued to make promises to me that it was over with her, but I kept finding evidence that he had been with her. We started counseling in November of 2004, but he was lying the whole time. In Feburary of 2005 he left, ditched me and my four kids. We were kicked out of our house and left with nothing,he was the only one working throughout our marriage so I had nothing. We got back together in 2006 but I still was thinking that he was still seeing her. Well guess what, he is. I found his phone the other day, and went through the messages. I found a lot from her and to her. I asked my husband about this, and basically he said he came back because he wanted to be with the kids and he doesn't want to lose things(material things). I have four kids and my older two boys(17 and 16) don't really like there dad. He is a very selfish person and lets the kids go without stuff they need and doesn't provide like he should. He has told me many times that he doesn't want me to work, that he makes enough money for everything. I don't know what to do. I am afraid to leave sometime but at other times I am not. I think that this affair has been going on for four years now, and I don't think that it is going to stop. What should I do? I know that I am leaving a lot of information out, but there is only so much room here.

Hire a lawyer. There is absolutely NO way you should be moving out of the home. If your WH wants to have an affair, he can leave the home and carry on his affair....while sending you alimony and child support every month.

Hire a lawyer.

What are the ages of the other children?

Have you gotten Surviving An Affair and read it?

What have you read on here?

I agree that we should not have to leave our home. The house that we got kicked out of was in 2005, one of our rentals. It was a terrible time in my life and my kids lives. He left us and we had nothing. The landlord told us to leave, we had no food, and the power was shut off. I was lucky and had neighbors that helped me, one brought me food and the other helped me work through the system to get our power back on. I was finally able to get on foodstamps and get some help from the government, I hate to do that.
But it is stuff like that that has really affected my children, especially the older ones. My kids are 17b,16b,13g,and 9b. The older ones are very angry with their dad, but they are teenagers. The nine year old loves his dad to death, very much a daddy's boy. I am most concerned about him if we do divorce. What happened when my husband was gone was he would promise the kids to come see them, but most of the time he would not. It got to the point that I would not tell them that he said he was coming over, that way they would not be disappointed. There are so many things that he has done to undermine his relationship with his children, not just the affair, but obviously this was the biggest one.
He is terrible with money and won't let me handle it. Some of the things that he has done are, our power is turned of about every third month, he gives me very little grocery money, there is no money for clothes, birthdays are nothing special to him but if we miss his then we have hell to pay. The kids don't have basic things like other children do, they do very little. An example is today my daughter has a 4-h picnic to go to, but we have no money and no transportation. He bought a Suburban last year, supposedly for me, but I can not drive it. I am left with a broken down car.
Well, that is a little bit of my life. He told me that he wants me to stay in the house, but it would take almost all of my child support to pay the morgage. He would be paying me about 2300 dollars a month and the house payment is 2000 a month. So I don't know what to with that. It would be easier for the kids but the money would be so tight.

How do you know this?

When we were seperated before this is how much he paid me. It might be a little bit more since he was promoted since then, but I am not sure.

So sorry you are having to go through this......You are at a good place to get support & help.

Your WH should be giving you money, but I would also advise to try and take things into your own hands & find part time work if possible while the kids are at school during the day.

I am just now to the point where I am not scared to find a lawyer. Although my WH has never not given me $$, it is time to fight for my independence.

Four years is a long time to deal with something like this. Is is time to think of you & your kids.

Kim is right....

You MUST act immediately to develop the ability to care for yourself and the children so you are not at the mercy of this individual. You will forever be at risk because you cannot meet your basic needs....It does not preclude addressing the possibility of recovery...but you must meet immediate needs while at the same time considering the future. You will become a stronger more stable family, and empowered woman with CHOICE, and an exceptional role model for the children. Part time work will not help you...look for full time work, with benefits, with retirement planning...You need to act "as if" because your WH has you completely under his control....This will be your burden for now...and I know it is hard to even contemplate...but it is your best protection whether you stay together or not.

Thank you for all the advice, and I know that I need to find work. Just another note on my family situation. I have homeschooled all of my kids for most of their education. My oldest is going to college, my second is in public school and the two younger ones I still homeschool. I would like to continue to do this, but I don't want to go on living like this. I don't have a college education myself, so I would be working for minimum wage. I am looking into working at home, but I think that a lot of these companies are scams. I found one earlier today, but they want $200 to just start, which sounds like a scam.

aimee, one of the reasons this affair has gone on so long is because you have enabled it by keeping his dirty secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy and it has thrived with your help.

Do your children know about his affair?

I get it Aim....but you will be stuck unless you dig yourself out. Women are at a disadvantage anyway by the mere fact of gender inequality....Work at home jobs, part time jobs, WILL NOT HELP...I am very concerned about your ability to acquire some empowerment in thinking like you are...

I empathize with your perspective about the kids. You have no doubt done a great job with regard to their care and education. I think you must now do a great job in helping YOURSELF and them. Being a good Mom means developing and maintaining the ability to care for those kids no matter what. There are tons of resources to assist you in getting an education while at the same time caring for your kids and working...I know...I have done it. Earned a Bachelors, and graduate degree while working full time and raising kids....Don't find excuses not too..you all are at risk and you are their hope and example....

In a way, the affair is less of an issue...get your &*&^% together...then you have a ton of position power to aim at your WH..because you won't NEED him, but you may WANT him under the right circumstances....

Make it happen....

(And I say this with strength but with great compassion...you are in a tough situation...but you can manage it...)

I know that that is probably part of the problem. Everyone in the family knows, my kids, my parents, his parents, everyone. In fact he won a trip to Florida and went with his lover. Now, I could not go or did not want to go because I had made a promise to my daughter. She had just got a horse last year and worked all year to go to a fair, and guess what, it was on the same days as his trip. He had told me earlier in the year that he would support me in this and watch the other kids. I made a promise to my daughter and didn't want to disappoint her. Maybe I was wrong and should have gone, I don't know.

You have some hard choices to make.

While I admire people who can home school, you need to send them to public school so that you can get a full time minimum wage job. That will start getting you on your way to independence.

Remember, in 2 years, both of your older sons will be too old for child support, so if you wait, you won't get any.

But if you start with a plan now, you can make things happen. Tell hubby to leave, see an attorney, get child support. Then in two years, your sons can get a part time job and pay some room and board.

You can also look into school programs that will help you get trained for a job you want.

Don't wait another 4 years and put up with the affair.

Hi,
Another thing I want to discuss with all of you. I have been finding myself talking to my kids about how upset I am about the whole thing, stuff I wish that I could keep to myself. I am praying that I can stop but I am still finding it difficult, I know that I should go see a couselor but I just don't find the time. I was able to hold my tongue the other day when our car broke down and my husband didn't come help us. I just discuss things with them that they don't need to discuss, they are not adults. Or they bring stuff up that is upsetting them and then it gets into a big long "hate dad" session. I don't like this and am praying that I can stop. Any ideas on how I can stop? What I should do? I don't really have anyone that I can go to to talk about this, I haven't told anyone that I am close to and my family is tired of hearing about it.

Aim...

Get into counseling. Finding the time is a decision. Make it...you will secure support and minimize any potential conflict/damage with the kids serving in that role. Further, I think it is important to get coaching with regards to the kids managing their relationship with their Dad in the best way possible....