I've got a stressed husband. So, what can I do? To be honest with you, he seems always stressed about something and today I told him that I think he'll always be stressed. He said that before he felt trapped because we owned our home and now that it's sold he feels trapped because of the baby. We can't leave the country unless we leave him. I said to him that I think he's tired and he said that's because he hasn't had a good nights rest in a month with the baby. Geez, what am I suppose to think? I offered to take the baby back, and he said no. Isn't it true that life isn't perfect? I don't know what I can do. I guess he's concerned because my back was real bad the past 2 mornings. Last Friday I did some cleaning and moving furniture that I shouldn't have and now I'm paying for it, but it'll get better.

He went back to work and came back in a much better mood, perhaps he decided he wasn't going to act stressed anymore, I don't know.

after a few days this happened this morning...

Alright, I'm not hormonal but my husband is 'doing' it again. He's having a really sensitive bad attitude. This morning he came in for breakfast and said, "Why aren't we keeping the hot sauce on the table anymore?" I explained that it was only 12 hours. Yesterday, I used the last of it and threw it away, then, took out the new hot sauce and left it on the counter because it needed to be opened." My oldest also chimed in that he used it last night. It's not that anyone wasn't keeping the hot sauce on the table. As my husband was leaving I could still see he was in a really bad mood and I asked if he would be able to forgive me for the hot sauce. His response was that I sure know how to keep it going.

I asked my son if there was anything I could have done different or it would have been better not to have said anything? He said my response was fine that Dad's just in a really bad mood.

Yesterday, DH and I had an honest talk. He said that he doesn't like living here and never has. He wants to move back to our hometown. We talked openly and realistically about our 'expectations' of ourselves and who we are, this was very good. BUT, he says that he wants to obey God and if God wants him to stay here then he will. Throw the element into the factor that I brought a baby home from the shelter and would love to adopt him. DH said that originally, 7 weeks ago, he began to feel better after moving here but when I brought the baby home, he felt 'trapped' again. SO, your thoughts please!!!!!

Did you guys sit down and talk about the pros/cons of having another infant in the house? Was it a joint intention of bringing home the baby from the sheleter for the intention of adoption?

You brought a baby home without asking him? What kind of crazy is that? Most people don't even bring a dog home without first discussing it, let alone a baby. And then to talk about adopting it?

No wonder he's stressed. He feels you're out of control and you'll just keep heaping more and more stuff on him without his input. I'd be stressed, too.

We've done foster care in the past and talked of adopting a child one day. Since moving to the mission field, I've often mentioned bringing home children off of the street. Recently, I've spoken of what I could do to help the children's home, even asking if I could utilize our now sold home, to bring home some of the older boys from this same children's home. My husband didn't think I could handle that many children.

As a matter of fact, the day before I brought home the baby, I asked if I could buy a puppy at the pet store and he told me no. When the baby came home it was to care for him because he had bronchitis. The director was originally thinking only a week but we began to bond with him and she's let us keep him. We only kept him as a foster child, knowing we could take him back anytime. As the week went by my husband is the one who kept saying he didn't want me to take him back. I've repeatedly asked him if he wanted me to take him back since and he always says no. Should I take him back anyway? He loves him already and to be quite frank, my husband seems to always be cycling and be stressed about something. I've never known him not to be stressed. Because we can't find the birth mother and are still looking/waiting, we can't leave the country with the baby and this makes my husband feel trapped. Maybe he's feeling trapped because he's tired too.

He had a big vote. I just introduced the baby by bringing him home. It takes only 5 minutes to take him right back. The children at the home are often 'farmed' out for the weekend. I had had one other older child over and considered bringing her home as a foster child at Christmas but nothing ever developed.

Yes, I errored by not calling him first, but he said he wasn't surprised I brought him home, just that I didn't call first about it. He even made a joke about it from the pulpit and put it in his sermon saying, "I told her she couldn't get a puppy so she brought home a baby the next day instead!" He uses a lot of sarcastic humor.

Here's another perspective:

How does this factor play into this scenario?

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I can take him back if I need/have to, but I do love him. I understand that my husband comes first. My husband's feeling trapped. Some other forum people said what I did was a terrible thing by bringing the baby home in the first place. Was it terrible? Every person we come into contact with asks us if we're going to adopt him so naturally, it's turned into, yes if we can. My husband is praying for God's will, but I know that in his heart of hearts, he wants to eventually return to the states to live. What would you do? Honestly, this was a deep desire from childhood, to care for an abandoned child. My husband knows this.

It seems obvious that your H is not comfortable with having a child at the moment even though at times he says he is. If his ultimate goal is to return to the States and you guys can't if you bring home a child, then it would be best not to adopt a child. I think you guys should wait until you get back to the States and then adopt if y'all still want to.

Also, some people are just 'Type A' personalities. They are just naturally more stressed about things.

Thank you! That was the best response! Yes, he is very type A! He thinks I am too, but he's different from me. I can be happy with a pretty view and he needs to be 'doing' something or he feels stressed.

Oh my, so, do we keep the baby until we move? He's better off here than the shelter. My husband said how he wouldn't want him to go back to the shelter but is praying for God's will. We're not 40 yet. We could raise another one and still have plenty of 'us' time afterwards. I feel too young to be an empty nester.

p.s.
I asked him now at lunch if he felt that being type A that perhaps he didn't have enough to do and that's why he feels stressed? He often says he has too much to do, but it's mental/thinking/planning not physical. He said maybe. I asked him if we shouldn't talk of adopting but just keep him as a foster child? He said that was out of our control either way. I asked if he felt trapped because he couldn't just adopt him and be able to take him out of the country with us? He said maybe. Then I told him he couldn't keep the baby because of guilt and he said it wasn't a matter of guilt, it was a matter of need. We didn't plan on having another baby and it just happened because of a need. He knows I didn't go up to the shelter to get another baby to bring into our lives. A need was presented to me and I said yes.

Exactly!

Maybe this is why he seems so abusive. Because he's being LB'ed by all sorts of independent behavior. I recall her from before, all of her assumptions and "He should's" and what I said was rejected by her.

Now she brings home a child, even if it's a foster child, without any discussion with him.

Good gravy! Talk about the ultimate in LB's.

Now he's guilted into keeping the child.

Emotional abusive? How to resolve being blamed.

Maybe instead of blame, they are valid complaints, given the baby story.

you're the one that's abusive. No wonder you're single and I'm not!

I don't know why I bother to come here. In fact, I won't anymore. You think you have it all figured out. Keep the poison to yourself!

bye, bye

Holy cow!

You talk of bringing a baby home and taking it back... easier than adopting a kitten from the animal shelter!

It cost us about $80 to bring a kitten home from the animal shelter (well, we got two for the price of one due to a benefactor who was sponsoring kitten adoptions that month) and we had to sign all sorts of paperwork. If we had chosen to bring the kitten(s) back, I think we would have been out x amount of dollars.

Kittens were definitely POJA'd at my house. And kittens aren't nearly as noisy as puppies, let alone human babies... plus they come already potty-trained and self-feeding!

If you are so quick to take offense at home as you are here, it's no wonder your H was happier after he'd been at work all day. FWIW it's hard to tell over the written word since "tone of voice" isn't conveyed, but your description of asking your H if he'd ever forgive you for the hot sauce... sounds pretty LBish to me. I can see why he may have replied with the comment about letting things go.

But you prolly aren't open to hearing any of that. Too bad, I think it would help if you could listen and learn.

BTW I do NOT claim to have everything figured out... and I am NOT single!!!

HOLY COW jayne, I was't talking to you! Good bye just the same.

If a person is having a problem, they sign on a forum for privacy and the ability to ask questions privately, not for more confrontation. Think about it.

SG,

I didn't read your other posts, just this thread. I noticed something about the hot sauce incidence I hope will help you.

You asked your son if your response to your husband was disrespectful (my perception) and he said yours was fine it was his father who was in a bad mood.

This is a little bit of spousification which steps out of your relationship as parent to child and asks for input as if from another partner.

More importantly, it exampled to your son to ask others to check themselves instead of checking themselves directly.

We are responsible for our own words and actions. I think it was great that you did want to check yourself, find out if you did indeed cross the boundary of respect. Do you think for that one incident you crossed the boundary of consideration?

I'm seeing my old self in your post, in that I was out to judge my DH, to define him (type A, stressed out) rather than understand him. Same for the hot sauce question. Using listen and repeat instead of jumping to judgment would have been my act from respect. "Are you saying you miss the hot sauce in its usual place?"

Not combative or mocking...seeking first to understand, then be understood. Safe to hear, "No, not really. I feel like everything is changed, out of place, I guess." (I'm making what you didn't give the opportunity to hear.)

I think you really love your husband and you want different reactions from him...all you can look to is within yourself...in God's design, only you are the cause, control and cure for yourself, not others. You are responsible for checking your intent...i.e., hot sauce...did you hear blame, complaint, admonishment in his question and/or tone? Not what you wanted to hear first thing in the morning--your first connection?

Knowing your own stuff and sharing it is your job...makes you safe for him to know and share his stuff with you. Doesn't take either of you speaking or acting perfectly; does take checking yourself, holding yourself to your own boundaries and clarifying your intent.

In your son's answer, I hear he believes his father was reacting to his feelings, his bad mood...were you reacting from yours or acting directly from your goal for your marriage?

LA

I knew you weren't talking to me, I'm sorry if it sounded that way. Talking about "returning" a baby just kinda set me off.

I just meant what I said in the sense of, here are my "credentials" since you had complained about someone's singleness etc. before.

I'm glad you are still reading, and that LA has posted to you. She is very gentle, wise and reasonable. Although I wrote what I wrote in the hopes it might help you, I came off as attacking. I'm sure LA hopes to help you also, and she is much better at actually sounding like it.

Was this some sort of an attempt to attack?

And you call your husband abusive.

Your true colors are showing, and it appears you are abusive. I'm not saying he is not. But you are showing yourself to be not only verbally abusive, but blessed with the spiritual gift of assumption.

You assume that I'm single.

My former wife had an affair. There is no one to blame for her behavior but her. Your attempt to hurt with your comments is a verbally abusive technique, and I suggest that you check your own behavior before coming on here and complaining about how horrible your husband is acting.

As long as you keep putting the focus on how you think he's acting so bad, you don't have to face how hurtful and destructive your own behavior is.

I tried to point it out in your other thread, and you merely rejected it.

I tried to point out how hurtful, abusive and LB'ing the behavior you've recently described is, and you once again, reject the observation.

Others have seen the same things I've seen. So we are not just seeing things, or making up things.

You are always free to take or leave what I have to say.

BTW, I am married, happily. My wife and I practice MBing, and it really does work.

I can tell you from 5 years of studying MB, that what you are doing, running down your husband here, is NOT MBing. Assuming you know things, and the "He should's" are not MBing.

If you want to build a better marriage, then more power to you. But your current techniques and attitudes will not get you to where you want to be.

You asked for men to respond and I did exactly as you asked. I responded. If you didn't want my comments, then next time, I respectfully request that you don't ask men to respond.

HOLY guano Batman!

electric fence personality - right out of Harley's book!

You know, it's been a while since I've read that, and yeah, I can see aspects of that.

You may be right!

I like how she started yelling as soon as she heard something she didn't like. Getting mad at someone on the internets is awesome.

I think maybe we over here are just too ill-equipped to help her. It sounds like we are not understanding her, maybe this is beyond our humble capabilities to help.


There is more traffic from experts over on the General Questions II board. Might I suggest you go there and see if they can help you.

Best wishes.

Jayne - you naughty girl (brat)