Hi All,

I am new here, but have been lurking for a little while and I have read all the helpful advice and thought I would join because frankly my marriage is in real need of help.

A little background, I have been married to my husband for a little over 2 years. Before we got married we were pretty happy. We were going to church ever chance we got, we read the bible together and prayed together. We were nice to each other. Not a whole lot of arguments and when we did argue we found a good way to settle it and the outcome was positive.

We found out I was pregnant after we got married and thus begun a downward spiral of emotions, fear, pain and now indifference.

We no longer go to church or discuss the bible.

I feel that my husband thinks very little of me as far as my intellect, ability to care for my daughter along with a variety of other emotions that are raging through me. He has little regard for my opinions and questions almost everything and anything I do.

Now I am not saying that he is a complete bad person all the time. There are times we get along.

I have a lot of frustration and resentment for the way he has treated me. For example, during my pregnancy he became seriously obsessed with a particular video game and started to completely ignore me and he still has what I would say is an addition to the game. He plays it everyday at lease 4 hours a day. When I try to talk to him he never takes his eyes of the game and he says things like well you knew I was getting on the game and we can talk after I get off I have to help out so and so do this. I feel he puts others above me and it really hurts.

Back to my pregnancy. I was an emotional roller coaster ride during my pregnancy and all I wanted was understanding and love from my husband, but what I got was a cold shoulder, no attention and verbal abuse. We got in arguments almost everyday I would cry for hours. He never backs down, never gives in, I felt his view was always my fault and I deserved his abusive words. I remember leaving at night upset, crazy, driving around at 3am in the morning and he would not even call to make sure I was okay. I agree that I was extremely irresponsible leaving like that and acting that way, but I felt so alone and so depressed I had to get out of the house. Also one day during my 12th week of pregnancy I felt these horrible cramps and pain that brought me to my knees. The pain was so bad that I knew something was wrong. I told him how I felt, he completely ignored me and told me that I exaggerating things. I told him I need to go to the hospital immediately. He ignored me once again and brushed it off as if I was making it up. He said he had to rest because he had to work the next day. He used to sleep all the time when he was not playing video games and stopped taking baths, shaving and taking care of himself during my pregnancy. I kept pushing the fact I needed to go as I could not walk the pain was so intense. He even went so far as to cuss me out and finally after much pleading we went to the hospital. The whole way there he was complaining for having to take me and that there was nothing wrong with me it was in my head. I was scared I was miscarrying, thank God I didn't. They checked me and I found out that I had a pretty nasty urinary tract infection that needed to be treated immediately. He still did not seem like he really cared afterwords. To this day it still bothers me.

There are many examples of this from when we had the ultra-sound to determine the sex of our child in which he cussed me out before we went in because I made him angry. He tells me that I bring it out of him and it is my fault that he acts the way he does.

Lets flash forward to today as I feel so empty and drained. Our daughter will be 2 in November. I don't feel like we have much in common and I feel at times our marriage is helpless. He has gotten better in many areas as he does clean up now. He takes care of himself for the most part.

He stays at home with are daughter and works a part-time job. I work a 40+ hour week job and am the main provider. When he lost his job durring my pregnancy I worked the entire time while he stayed home. I worked up till 4 days before I had my daughter. I admit I have some resentment due to this.

He has made some steps, but I still feel that the progress is so slow and I don't think he still has very much respect for me. We argue regularly and with very little resolution, just built up frustration and anger between us. He criticizes me about how I take care of our daughter. Tells me things like I don't want to have anything to do with her or I am not doing something right. He is not sympathetic to my needs when I am sick or I need him.

We got into an extreme argument yesterday. Which, I admit I ignited the fire. We after a long long time finally made love and afterwords I felt so depressed and really needed attention. He not long afterwards got on his computer and started playing his video game. I felt neglected and even tried to drop a hint saying I wanted to cuddle some. I don't think he even heard me. I got angry, I feel all we do is get on line. I really don't care about the computer I just have nothing else to do as he does not try to spend time with me most of the time. On occasion, he decides that he wants to spend time with me and watch a movie, but most of the time half way through his is back on line and I am once again alone. I spend time with my daughter helping her learn and loving her, but he criticizes me all the time about how I do things with her.

Anyways, I got mad last night and asked why he could not get off the game and spend time with me, that we needed to talk. He said he had to help his friend do a mission and that we can talk later and if I had let him know he would not have gotten on. He said that he had obligations to his friends. This made me more angry. What about the obligations to his wife and mother of his child! I did get upset and expressed how I felt he was not treating me fairly. He would not even look at me and have a conversation. The whole entire time he set there at the computer playing away. I just finally said I am so tired of this and I did not need him. It escalated and yes I was not very nice, I admit this was wrong of me. After about an hour he got off and told me he did not realize that I had a problem with him being on line and that I get on my laptop and the only reason I was upset with him was because my Internet stopped working on my laptop. No the reason I got mad was because after making love he got on line and ignored me. I watched an entire movie by myself before I even got on the computer. He did not suggest to watch it with me.

I left the room put my daughter to bed and stayed in her room with her. She was really upset. It is so unfair to her the strain we put on her when we argue. I really wish it would stop and we could happy and in love with each other. After he got off he was ready to fight with me. Telling me that I was wrong and it was unfair to him and this whole thing is my fault. My daughter is screaming, he is yelling at me. I told him I did not want to talk to him at all. He came into our daughter's room picked her up and took her in the living room. Which did upset me. It was 12 at night she needs to be asleep and I do too as I had to be at work at 8 in the morning. So I said I am going to bed and that she really needed to go to bed, but if he wanted to watch her I was going to bed. I went to bed laid down. He was going to feed her some yogurt(she loves that stuff), she was looking forward to eating it. He got mad because I had said she needed to go to bed earlier before I left the room. So he put the yogurt up after showing it to her, I was in the bedroom, he brought her in the bedroom and shut the door. She was screaming, jumping up and down. I tried to calm her, but I could not. You should not tell a child you are going do something and then not do it. I took her back in the room with him and said its late I have to work tomorrow, you promised her yogurt please feed her some and put her to bed. I kissed my daughter and went back to sleep. A few minutes later him came in cursing, yelling and screaming and told me that if I did not get out of bed and spend time with my daughter and feed her that yogurt that he was going to grab me by my hair and drag me out of the bed. He was very serious. So I got up and fed my daughter out of pure fear and then went to bed. He has threatened to punch me in the face before and he spit his chewing gum out on me one time because he was late for work and he blamed me. The most physical that his ever gotten is that he pinched me on my arm because a walked off one time we were arguing and he wanted me to listen. I did have a bruise from that.

Today I confronted him about what he said and he was not about to apologize that it was my fault that everything happened the way that it did and that I should apologize. I asked him was he really serious about pulling me by my hair. He said very and that he hoped that I learned not to do that again. That he was a man and that I should not challenge his authority. I told him that I was considering divorce because I was not happy. He really did not seem like he cared or made an effort to appologize. That I should appologize to him first.

There are times that he is good to me, but it seems like there are a lot of bad times. I am fearful of my husbands actions. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to fix myself. I am by no means perfect, but I do not threaten him and treat him that way. I want to make our marriage work, but how? I feel so hopeless and I am starting to develop a scab over my heart. I just need advice. I know I need to work on myself as well.

I do still love my husband, but my love can't be the only love holding us together. Something has to change, but where and how do you begin?

I am sorry to write a novel. I really appreciate all replies in advance and thank you so much for reading my post.

Not a lot of traffic on this forum on Friday nights and the weekends. I will say he is obviously a very angry and abusive male. You do not deserve to be treated that way. Do not allow him to abusive to you like that. He needs a real waking call. He obviously has an addiction Online Video Games. It is no different then be addicted to drugs, alcohol, porn etc. If something controls and assumes you all the time, then you are addicted to it. I do apologize. I can not be of much help to you an d your situation. It is out of my realm of knowledge. Hopefully one of the more seasoned members will jump in and offer up some advice. But, I want to at least respond, so you did not feel alone here.

One thing to realize is that YOU can not change him or his behavior. He has to decide that he wants to and needs to do it. From what you posted I do see that you did have a part in getting him upset, but he is way out of control with his anger to talk or respond to you the way he did or does.

You have been physically abused. Spitting and pinching ARE physical abuse. You are in danger of further physical abuse, and at the very least having your H control you by threat of violence.

I would get out ASAP, WITH your daughter. Contact your local domestic violence centre. He has admitted he was willing to use violence, which is not so usual - it's more common for the aggressor to kiss up and apologise to get back in your good books. The fact that he outright promises to make use of violence against you is terrifying. And don't kid yourself that it won't extend to your daughter at some stage.

His behaviour is NOT your responsibility. HE chooses to use violence and abuse against you. You DO NOT cause it. It is NOT your fault.

Others here will be able to give you more advice than me, but I believe the sooner you get out of there the better. It's not worth the risk - GET OUT NOW.

i'm the husband!

Wow, reading what she wrote i sound like a pretty bad person. THx for the advice that i'd abuse my daughter one day, i got to hear that all morning also.

So you guys are up for advice i could really use some. I come from a pretty normal family. My parents have been laid back and always loved each other. I come from a christian home and although i haven't been to church lately i talk to my Savior daily.

When me and my wife first started dating, we where really in love. My wife gave me love, affection and support. At the time she had really bad panic attacks and together me and her over came it (until we got married). We prayed together, read the bible together... we did everything together. She respected me then... but that shortly changed.

The arguments we had that where solved positively because she listened to my opinion and then meet in the middle. Once we got married everything i said she had to do the opposite and please believe me when i say i'm not exaggerating. It's EVERYTHING, little to large and it drives me crazy. I was a very positive person back then and my family and friends would come to me for advice. I am nothing more than broken now, far from the man i once was.

The very night we got married, she stopped having sex with me. I know that's not important, and i feel like a pig bringing it up but it was a dramatic change from her previous behavior. Before we where married, she literately couldn't keep her hands off me!!! it was everywhere and anytime, I did everything i could do just to keep up. Our honeymoon i think we had sex 2 or 3 times... and one of the times she asked me to hurry up!

i asked then and other times in the future what could i do to improve or what she wants and likes in bed and she only says i don't know. i'm not a sexually based man and other than a blow to my ego, i gave her space and didn't pressure it. Even to the point now, when the rare time she does want to have sex, i just don't feel like doing anything but feel forced because if i don't she tells me that i don't think she is beautiful anymore and i don't love her anymore and an argument breaks out.

so... some things you don't know about my wife. Her mother and father are constantly abusive to each other. yelling, beating, throwing stuff. Now her mother is sober so it's usually just yelling, although last week she pulled a knife out on her husband and started stabbing his stuff (which my wife took up for her when i said something about it... so i left it alone). My wife and her brother has told me a lot of horror stories of when they where younger. my wife told me she always felt her mother was jealous of her and sometimes i feel she is jealous of our daughter. Her mother yelled at my wife, now at her grandchildren. I have a lot of respect for her mother but do not accept that behavior (although i see me and my wife doing it now).

That night we where arguing and i told her i was gonna pull her up by her hair... our daughter was hiding behind my legs, when i went into the room, our daughter climbed up the gate and was reaching for me screaming. My wife yelled and cussed at me first. it wasn't until after that i finally lost it. you'd think if she was so scared of me that she would've stopped yelling and cussing at me! i never had the intention to harm my wife and i would never harm my daughter! AT first i told my wife to calm down and that wasn't the way we should talk about it. We both where on the computer and i was unaware that she wanted attention.

we don't argue as much as it sounds like we do. lately we've been doing really well and i've been trying to do my part in household chores. I was wrong not to clean up and i decided it was my responsibility to clean no matter what.

When we first got married, i tried cleaning up and it was never good enough. (honestly, i have never really cleaned being a spoiled and privileged child). She would get home and first thing would start the snide comments about what i didn't do and said nothing about what i did do. She wouldn't stop with it, keep poking me and started cleaning up slamming stuff around mumbling under her breath. I was a lot calmer then but in the last year my patience has been running thin. It's a constant competition between us and i feel like i'm forced to compete.

When we got married and i lost my job, i looked everywhere for a new job. She was working a really good job and we talked about what we wanted to do. We decided that she loved what she was doing and that i need to find a job at night so one of us would be at home with our baby. I was a graphic designer and was hoping to also do freelance jobs, i could put my career on hold so she could get experience as a manager. After a month of looking i was trying for anywhere. After another month, i started looking for anything and anytime. During all that time i was sinking into depression. When she would get home she would fuss at me for not cleaning up, tell me that i was doing nothing for this family, i had no right to money or any say what we spent money on. She always put me down or was having some kind of panic attack. The times she wrote where the ones i couldn't take it anymore. it all started building up and i needed to feel i had some kind of control. (i never spit on her, i spit at her on the ground.. and i threw chewing gum at her, it's not like i hit her)

Looking back i wish i would've been a better man and i was wrong. I lost myself into the world of video games to escape from my life. I was deeply depressed and just wanted to sleep my life away. I had nothing, no one to listen or be there for me. all my wife said was i needed a job but no place would hire me.

My wife is very intelligent in the medical field (she could be a nurse!), she is constantly reading about different illness symptoms and every week she has a new one and wants to go to the doctor. I tell her to schedule an appointment and go. I don't know what i'm supposed to say. I've tried hugging her and telling her it's okay, but that never worked! She doesn't trust me and i can clearly see nothing i've done consoles her and then she calls her mother... which her mother yells at her and tells her that she is stupid and then she is better.

When she got a urinary track infection, she had already been to the hospital once and nothing was wrong. We where stuck with a big hospital bill we couldn't pay (xrays, emergency room, etc). Every other week she was freaking out telling me she had a different disease, and her panic attacks where constantly wearing at me. **(the above was up to debate between me and my wife, she says that it was after the infection that she went to the hospital and i think it's before.. honestly, i'm not sure. Nonetheless she was saying she was sick a lot before then and i had a hard time believing her then.)

A lot of the times i feel my wife makes herself the victim. She has locked herself into the bathroom screaming and crying banging her head up against the wall. Although we where arguing i had to kick the door in and cradle her in the shower with my clothes on. I kept telling her that i loved her and she shouldn't hurt herself. Just as many times as i have yelled and cussed at her there has been that many that i've held her while she cried although i felt i was wrongly abused.

She doesn't understand what it's like to be a stay at home mother(father). Partly because she doesn't really have a maternal instinct. My friends and family noticed this and i did my best to take up for my wife. She really don't understand how to deal with a toddler.

I feel i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Dealing with a disgruntled wife, trying to be the best husband and father i can be. SHe's not the only one that cries, It HURTS and i don't have anyone to understand because i'm immediately looked down upon for the times i did screw up. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the pillar and my wife does nothing more than constantly challenge me. i don't handle pressure well at all and i've told my wife this. she adds to it when she just needs to give me space. When she sees me getting angry it excites her, she won't leave it alone!! My chest and head hurts and i am ashamed of the things i've done. There is no way out for me.

I've tried telling her how i feel, and mostly she is doing something else or has no idea what i just said. She couldn't repeat anything i said and she always answers my questions with questions of her own. I love her, and we where doing so well but one night i didn't give her attention she is ready for a divorce (again).

We've been trying date nights lately and spending time together but during the weeks i'm on the computer and she is on her laptop. We casually talk about each other's day and i listen to her day. She rarely shows any interest in my life, occasionally she'll ask me about work. I listen to my wife and let her go shopping and i don't say anything about the 2 dollar piece of junk she got on sale. She wanted to buy a new tv and i told her i didn't approve but it was her decision to make... and she got it anyway. I am a layed back person and i've tried telling my wife if she will talk to me with respect, i'll do my best to give her respect back. Yeah, i'm not perfect and i could have handled things a lot different. I've never physically hurt her and suffered just as much mental abuse as she has.

WHAT am i to do?

READ the site

for emphasis - in case you missed it

Each spouse complains about how thoughtless the other spouse is, without much awareness of his or her own thoughtlessness.

very true.. so what are we supposed to do? i know that i'm not supposed to get angry but people on both sides make mistakes. It's easy to post a quote but we need some kind of consoling.

She gets angry just as much as me, she was raised in an abusive environment and i feel she is trying to recreate that at home... and slowing i'm falling into the role.

We both read "His Needs, Her Needs" but both of us fail at following the advice. Last thing we need is people telling us that we should run away from each other.

I don't want to do anything i would regret and i want to change and you are gonna tell my wife to leave me? It's not fair, i love her and it's not just me!

I'm at a loss, i feel that i try but i understand that one never really truly sees the things they do. And one hardly sees any situation in the words on just one person involved.

Could someone seasoned in dealing with fixing marriages instead of divorces please help us, we are both here willing to listen.

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

I suggest that you, the husband, stay off of the on-line games. It really does sound like you are addicted.

Then you can get a full time job and let your daughter be in day care. That will give you something important to do during the day and help with family finances. Also it will help raise your self esteem.

Your wife may or may not be very maternal. But I'm surprised that you tolerate your friends commenting that she is not.

I suggest you both do the emotional needs questionnaire here, and each of you start trying to meet each other's top needs.

Then spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together (that does not include gaming), without the baby.

The above should start getting your marriage back on track. And then you can take steps to make it a great marriage.

ditto everything Believer said

Pep

increase your awareness of your own thoughtlessness and then make changes that demonstrate thoughtfulness

It's simple - not easy

Pepppppp

ty for the advice. I understand and highly respect your opinion, but i do have a question.. what separates a hobby from an addiction?

I've only started recently increasing my hours i played online games. When my wife had a problem with it the first time, after some serious discussions i finally gave in and laid off to her satisfaction.

I have a lot of friends online, which are very similar to a forum-like format in a lot of ways. I have a very good friend that moved away up north. Him and I "hang out" online and it is good to talk to my old friend. Neither him or I really like to sit around and chat on the phone, the online game gives up time to hang out like we used to and still be at home.

For the most part i have no problem balancing online time and family time but recently i've gotten excited about completing an objective. It is something that i enjoy doing and have an active social life on the game interacting with other people.
I routinely take breaks and usually don't play for longer than 30 mins to 1 hour until recently i've been playing for a lot longer (and quickly getting tired of sitting in front of the computer so much).

I am deeply sadden this life does not include my wife and i understand her frustration. There are a lot of people that play online that include husband and wife.. and even their children. These are good people that live normal lives that in no ways are similar to drug and alcohol abuse. Several of my old coworkers and 3 people from my new job also play online with me as well.

If i had known that she wanted to spend time with me, i would have had no problem turning off the game. It was moreso my own stubbornness that i didn't, rather than the game. I felt that she attacked me for being online when her, herself just put up her laptop and felt that if i gave in i would be submitting. That was wrong of me but she was also wrong to yell and cuss at me for being on the computer.

In addition i had previously requested my friends to assist me with a quest and i felt obligated to not turn them away. If the situation would've been different, lets say I had invited friends over to our house and then when they got there I told them that I had to leave would that be considered rude? My wife did not sit down and ask me kindly to talk with her, she more or less gave me an ultimatum.

I'm not gonna say i'm not addicted, only addicts say that. If my wife says that online play is interfering with our lives i will again, submit to her request, but i also occasionally want leisure time to myself in which i can enjoy my hobby with my friends.

First thing is to focus on my family and i am 99% sure that me stopping online gaming is not going to fix our problems. I believe she is also writing a response so we'll see what she has to say... we are not out of the clear yet! please hang in there with us.

Wow,

I did not realize that my husband's friends and family felt that way about me. I feel I am very maternal and I love my daughter dearly. She means the world to me. I do get nervous around her because I feel my husband is always criticizing me. I don't think it is fair for my husband to say that I am not maternal.

I really do appreciate everyone's reply and would like to help my marriage. I will do the questioner. My husband said he would complete his as well.

I did come from an abusive family. I do not want anything to do with that period! I do not curse my husband as he says I do. I can do my fair share of escalating my voice to try and get some sort of response from my husband. I have said curse words, but they are few and far between.

NO it is not right at all for me raise my voice or get angry. I understand that and I do not blame him for my behavior I blame myself.

I know that I am a rational human being capable of having a constructive argument. For many reasons I cannot have one with my husband.

I do not have anxiety attacks anymore. I have not had one in over 2 years. I have been afraid of something wrong with me before. I am not obsessive about it and this does not occur weekly. Just on occasion.

But who does not have occasional fears of their health and well being? Heart attacks, heart problems, cancer, and diabetes are very prominent in my family. I have not went to the doctor because I feel he would complain that I had created another bill which intern would cause an argument. Besides, he would not go with me and be supportive.

He is not supportive to the issues I have with my well being and just brushes it off. I don't want to worry, I don't mean to worry its just a part of who I am. I should not be treated like a nut case because I have some anxiety issues. I wish he would be strong and be by my side when I needed him. I would love for him to help me overcome these obstacles. It hurts to know I can't count on my husband to listen to me or understand when I am bothered by something. To know that I will not be given his full attention and that what I say will be little of importance to him. It hurts when I see other people's husbands that are empathetic to their loved one's needs when they are not feeling well. When I feel sick, he makes it like I am making it up and I am not sick. Like I am just fine. I really am sick and don't feel good and I need support. Why is it okay for him to decide when I am sick? Is that really fair?

I am not saying my husband is an all around bad guy. There have been times that he is nice to me, but most of the time I feel that our days are revolved around the majority of his needs. Yes I can go out and shop. I call it empathy shopping. I think I just buy things to try to feel voids within myself. I don't have a lot of people that I can talk to. My mother does have issues of her own, but I do want a relationship with my parents. I did not take up for her actions. I actually made her angry because I told her what she did was not right. I am not here to to discuss my parents marriage. I know their marriage is not right. This is not what I want for myself. My husband has said that this is what I want, but it is not and I should have the right to say what I want.

Ultimately, our arguments, I feel are considered to be my fault 99.9% of the time. I don't think I should be blamed for the way he responds however. When he gets abusive with his words and threatens me I don't think that I should hold complete responsibility for this at all.

He says I need to give him space that I help to push his anger.
Well, last night I left from the room went in my daughters room. He came and got her out, he wanted to talk, he was pushing the issue. I was done, tired and did not feel that we would get anywhere at that time. I felt he got her out of her room to get a rise out of me because now he wanted to talk when he wanted to talk. I gave him space, I left the room. I went to bed, he got angry because I had said she needed to go to bed. He put her in our room after promising her something, knowing she would be upset. He did that in my opinion to get a rise out me and that did not happen, instead, I brought her back in the room with him and went back to bed. I was not yelling at him or cursing at him at that time. He came in the room demanding me to get in their and feed her the yogurt and if I didn't he would grab me by my hair and drag me out. Which did scare me. This I do not agree with. Am I wrong to question this behavior? Is this truly my fault and should I be the first to back down and apologize?

Once again, I really do appreciate everyone's opinions and replies. I am taking in what you all are saying especially about the love busters. I sincerely appreciate any help giving to my husband and I. I only want what is best.

...oh yeah, about the job. I work part-time at the moment because my wife has a great day time job. Personally i do not care for day cares because i want me and my wife to raise our kids. That is the way my mother did it as well as hers. If i was considered a stay at home mother rather than father would the advice be different? Later on when our daughter gets older i wouldn't object at all to pre-kindergarten classes during the days so she can interact with other childern.

After being without a job so long i rather enjoy holding one for longer than a year. Before i did graphic design and a lot of my jobs where more like contracts. When the projects where done i moved on to the next job. Unfortunately that left my resume looking like swiss cheese (part of my problem getting a steady job). In a few more years i have the possibility to move up in my company and very much enjoy what i do and the people i work with.

As far as money is concerned, it's for the birds. I've already told my wife but i would prefer to move to Canada and live off the land growing our own food :)) but that was a passion that was quickly laid to waste due to reality. We are all a slave to the all mighty dollar are we not?

I do not tolerate our friends putting down my wife. I wasn't necessarily saying that it was a bad thing, just more like our roles are switched. My wife loves our daughter and i know that. I feel bad that she can sometimes be aqward around her and as a male i really don't know how to approach the topic sensitively. I'm curious if a stay-at-home mother may have similar issues with a father working the 40 hour week?

Sometimes i guess when i talk to my wife, she says she feels like i am forcing or pushing my opinions on her. I wish i knew of ways to be less brash.

We both looked over the emotional needs questionnaire and waiting to get paper from the store so we can print it and fill it out. I have in the past really enjoyed spending time with my wife and hope to relight that flame.

We need to find something similar that we have in common that we like to do. I like to draw, play video games, play music and so far all i can really talk her into doing is sketching some with me. As for her interests, it includes shopping... and she is good at it. I have never meet someone that could save so much money! i'm honestly very proud of my wife's ability to provide us with food, clothing and other needs very inexpensively.

I care as much about going shopping as she does video games. She is great at it because she puts time into it. Hopefully she and you guys could suggest other things we can do rather than going shopping... but if that's what she wants me to do... i guess... i could.. try... without too much whining. BUT, she'll have to play a video game with me.

My new job has really raised my self esteem a lot. Again, i love what i do because i am good at it. With some time and sacrifice i have the potential for a promotion, but it usually takes about 5 years. As i learned from the past, just getting another job isn't an easy thing. My friend drives a truck and has been desperately searching for a job to get him off the road.

I know me and her are posting a mini novel here, and i really appreciate the time you guys put into us. We don't have anyone outside each other to talk to. I feel more positive about this step than some of the others that we have taken. Thank you again.

Ok..it sounds like both of you are wanting to find your way out of this dynamic you've got yourselves into, which is really positive. I commend you both!

Nowhere, regarding the DV stuff, please understand that there is a kind of triage system when it comes to this - if someone says they are being physically abused, the first priority is their safety. If you had come here saying that you had been physically abused I would have said the same thing to you. We can only respond to what people tell us here.

So what plans can you make to ensure you DON'T get to the point of becoming physically aggressive? This is the part that is completely under your control. Emotions are hard to deal with in heated situations, so planning ahead can make a huge difference, even if it's just saying to yourself, "If I get to the point I feel like being physically agressive I will turn around, walk out the door and go to the park to cool down."

Remember: Respond, NOT react.

So now the work begins. Changing dynamics in relationships is not easy, especially when they are rooted in issues from your past. There will be times you feel you can't do it, it's all too hard, it's two steps forward and one step back. It's okay to feel that way - it IS hard work, and there are times you will be overwhelmed. But if you are committed, and get back on the horse, the results will be worth it for you, your wife and your daughter.

From what you have both said here, I think you would both benefit from personal counselling. Sorting out your personal stuff will most likely help you understand what is happening with your relationship with each other.

The Emotional Needs forum would be a good place to start posting. The people over there are very supportive of couples working on their relationships, while also practicing tough love. There will be times you find what they say hard to take, but these are often the things people most need to hear.

I'd also encourage you to find a pro-marriage counsellor and attend together.

So...the journey begins . Best wishes to both of you - you sound motivated and willing, and that is at least half the battle!

nowwheretoturn;




Work can meet the same type of need for socializing and give that feeling of accomplishment, having a goal to meet then meeting it..

Have you considered setting yourself a goal of sending out so many resume's a week? Or filling out so many job applications a week?

Have you considered going to a Temporary Job Agency and see if they have anything temp to perm they could send you on?

I do understand the social aspects of online gaming, especially when it's a friend your keeping in touch with..a friend of mines brother was over in Iraq, and he and his brother would get online and game and keep in touch that way..interesting thing is, their parents got the game too so they could join in and kept in touch w/ their boys that way.

So while I do understand that aspect of the gaming and socializing, it's also important that you make time for your spouse, as that is your primary relationship.

As far as household chores, find a way to work together on that..

If you end up divorced, your daughter will be in daycare anyway.

I suggest you ask the mods to move this to the Emotional Needs forum, where you will get better help.