My wife was my first girlfriend. We met when I was 23. Now I am 26. Before my wife, life was extremely lonely and I'd say that I was certifiably depressed from the time I was 16 till around the time we started dating, which is one reason I am frightened of being alone again. I say without any exageration, that I thought about suicide nearly every day. Marriage has been such a blessing. It has been so difficult but I feel that I am so much better off.

We have almost weekly fights that end in me begging for forgiveness. I almost have to physically restrain her so we can talk. I have to stand in the doorway, ect. It takes a lot of effort but it generally works. She will be angry, upset, won't sleep in our bedroom, will take off to who knows where, won't talk to me, won't look at me,ect. until I do this. It could last hours or it could last days.

At what point do you hold off? I'm wondering if I didn't do anything would she really go this time? She always says she will, that it is over.

Two weeks ago, she was mad and I made her talk to me and instead of apologizing and begging, I was saying that she needs to choose whether she is going to be my wife or she was going to leave because how can I work no a marriage that is just going to eventually fail. She said she would stay with me and things were great for few days.

The next week she refused to sleep in the same bed with me because of something stupid (picking which tv show?) I practically cried and reminded her of the prior week.

Some times it is my fault (I was caught looking at porn, which I aim to quit). Sometimes it is hers (I insisted we leave the horror movie we were watching because her young daughter was saying she was scared and wanted to go. She got mad at both of us!) The issues are not always insignificant. Sometimes they are serious.

Anyone have experiences like this? I think divorce is going to tear me apart, but at least it would be like tearing off a bandaid instead of a long slow painful failure which would entail years of begging on my knees for her to please forgive me. I really don't think I can do it this time even though I'm sure I crossed the line by calling her a name for this first time ever(selfish b**) and shoving her for the first time ever (I wanted to talk and she didn't).

I could go on and on about details but it wouldn't assist my main question. Has anyone been in the situation where one person is always tugging the load of the conflict resolution and the other just has to be the one to accept an apology? Is that sustainable? Can that be changed?

i am going thru the same thing.

my wife was cheating
i found emails/phone#'s

she denied/lied about it all
didnt want to talk
had me thrown out
threatened divorce
acted exactly how your describing your wife

fact is, your wife is not happy
im not an expert, but she is not telling u everything

put software on your pc
check your phone records
check her cell

1. DONT TELL HER YOUR DOING IT, EVEN WHEN U FIND SOMETHING
2. GO TO A LAWYER, HELL TELL U WHERE U STAND FINANCIALLY

You need to stop:

• fighting
• physically restraining her
• calling her names
• shoving her

These things should be things to apologize for.

Marriage should not be seen as a solution to being lonely, depressed and suicidal. Those attributes do not make for a good spouse and need to be dealt with individually. If you tell your spouse that you will kill yourself if they leave, then you are emotionally blackmailing them.

Fix yourself first.

You might want to consider getting on an antidepressant after you talk to your dr. I never saw such a change in a person after my H went on one. It took about 2 months but it honestly did save our marriage. Your wife sounds very childish. She might consider one too along with IC and MC. I was lucky. My H wanted to make things better.

I guess I made myself sound pretty down! I'm actually quite a happy person. I was trying to describe why I hadn't really had any relationships before my wife. Prior to meeting her was just when I was getting things together and taking control of my life.

Thanks for the responses. We made up suprisingly quickly the next morning and she actually apologized for the first time.

Fast forward--- everything thing is great, we have a nice vacation, pick out a new home and put in an offer. Now just before closing she is saying she is leaving me. We are not even fighting. I'm also relatively sure that she is not cheating as I do keep an eye on her and she doesn't show any of the signs. Maybe I need to rethink that?
It came out when I expressed my dissatisfaction that she has been continually gaining lots of weight. I didn't ask her to do anything. I didn't yell or insult. I just said that I was really unhappy with it and she immediatly said that she thinks we're going to eventually get divorced so we might as well do it now.

Just wanted to follow-up. It's really bewildering. Anybody reading this should think very seriously before getting married. :*(

Yes, rethink the affair. Your W sounds very immature and selfish, so she probably feels entitled to find another man who gets it right. Hire a PI; it will be worth your money either way - knowledge or peace of mind.

Also, read up here about Love Busters and Emotional Needs. You need to find out what things you do that tick her off - and stop! After that, you need to learn what her key needs are, and make sure you're meeting them. You might see a HUGE difference in her if you just do those two things.

Of course, if she's having an affair, it won't matter. You'll have to expose the affair.

Let us know what you find out.

You commented on her gaining weight, and you see it as being no big deal? Listen very carefully to what I am telling you; this is coming from someone who has formerly suffered from anorexia nervosa... when you tell your wife that it appears she has gained weight, or that she should try and get more exercise, etc., she hears, "You are not pretty enough. You are worthless. I am not happy with you. You are not what I want. etc. etc. etc."

Even as I was losing weight, and people would tell me how amazing I looked, it made me think I was completely repulsive before (and, at 5'5" and my highest weight being only 165 pounds, I was far from obese)

You don't tell someone that they need to lose weight and expect them to be okay with it... especially when YOU are the person that is supposed to love them no matter what. You also don't tell them that you are unhappy with it, because all you are doing is telling her that you are no longer happy with her and want an out.

Did they not tell you to avoid LB's at all costs??? WTF were you thinking?

I was lucky. My STBX was a slimeball (serial cheater) but he never told me that I needed to lose weight or that I was not beautiful. My own issues with anorexia came from teenage years, and I still struggle with them at 28. You, dear sir, really better have a little talk with yourself about the things you say and start seeing things from your wife's eyes. You just told her she was fat and you find it repulsive. WTG. No wonder she wants out.

Ms_Manners, have you read His Needs, Her Needs? PA is a genuine EN for many men. Also, Dr. Harley does recommend that you share with your spouse what they do that makes you unhappy. And the 'loving someone no matter what' philosophy is incompatible with the Marriage Builders concepts. Your spouse will fall out of love with you if you do not fill their Love Bank by meeting their ENs.

Since when was being Open & Honest a LB? Based on his last post, he did not demand she do anything (SD) and he did not call her worthless or unattractive (DJ). And he did not 'tell her she was fat and you find it repulsive,' those are things you said.[/quote]

Fast forward? It's been less than three weeks. That's not enough time for any efforts you've made in improving yourself to be considered 'for good.' You shoved her and called her a 'selfish b****' only a few weeks ago. Your W will need to see a longer commitment than that. Have you stopped committing LBs? What are her ENs and how are you meeting them?

Not to minimize my bad behavior, but it really doesn't seem to be the issue here.

Her last marriage of eight years ended when she moved in to her own apartment separate from her husband and daughter for no particular reason other than that she was unhappy. Her husband immediately started an affair and filed for divorce. I didn't quite have the whole story until we were married unfortunately. I thought she moved out because she was cheated on.

And so now she is saying the same thing, that she is getting an apartment on her own.

Up till this point I feel like I've been juggling the relationship by myself and that has to stop. I need a loyal and stable wife, not a pet that will run away if I leave the door open. On the other hand, if I don't stop her from leaving that will probably end our marriage.

Does Harley say anything about married couples separating? The strange thing is that we're really not fighting. Selfish b*** is by far the worst thing I have ever said to her. I measure my words carefully.

I liked Harley's article on living together before marriage and made my wife read it but it didn't really leave an impact.

"do I look fat in this dress?"

You NEVER, EVER, say yes. Even if nothing on earth is truer. They aren't ASKING you for your OPINION. They are asking you to validate their attractiveness to you.

SO, you never EVER say you need to lose weight to MOST women, especially woman who frankly, sounds like a trip to a psychiatrist is in order.

Look, restraining her to keep her talking is something I KNOW about. I've done it three times in MY marriage. So I can understand how frustrating it can be, but, its wrong, always. My wife would rip into me, I would try to avoid it, she would follow me, from room to room not letting up. When I finally could take no more, I would start yelling back. At the height of my emotions, she would calmly say, "thats it, this conversation is over!" I would be standing there with my mouth open, not believing what she just did to me. So, I promised myself it wouldn't happen again. BUt, I should have handled it some other way. WHich way, I don't know. I left bruises on her wrists one night. SHe showed me, and that was the worst I have EVER felt about myself in my life. And that finished that. But I understand your frustration.

It sounds like there are MAJOR psychological issues going on. Perhaps an appointment with a counselor??

[/quote]

Physical attraction is fine. That can be the biggest need on this earth for men. That is not the issue. He told his wife she was gaining weight and he did not like it. He told her he did not LIKE something about her (which made her feel unattractive by the way) What all men need to understand is that is a BIG issue for all women. (perhaps there are some that don't care... but I think it is safe to say I can sit here and speak from experience) As stated previously, my STBX never made mention of my weight, but others did, and it hurt more then you can imagine. So, that is the biggest LB (in my mind) that our OP could have said to his wife.

There are ways of tip-toeing around this. You feel your spouse has gained weight, perhaps you suggest you get out and exercise more together. Eat healthier. ETC. You NEVER, EVER tell your spouse (especially your wife) that she is getting fat.

I think you need to learn a bit about how women work there BHHFSGuy. In your eyes, he may not have told his wife that she was, "worthless and unattractive" and that he found her "repulsive" but I am willing to bet, dollars to donuts, that is what SHE heard. (that is what I heard when I read his post)