I was here about a year ago to the date trying to deal with my husband deciding he didn't want to be married anymore. It coincided with an EA he was having with a band mate.

I worked really hard. Really, really hard to win him back. He stopped complaining, but never put for any effort. I confronted him on many occassions about how he felt and he always told me I was being paranoid. Lately he's been especially distant and awful with our children.

Our neighbors are party people and we share a common porch area. One day a 22 year old girl name alicia showed up out of nowhere. I was told that she was my neighbor steven's "special friend". She started coming over more and more and I even asked if she had moved in. Every day she would be on my porch haning out with my neighbors, drinking and smoking. My hubby started joining in on the action and leaving me inside the house with the 5 kids. Alicia would come in and rescue me from crying babies (6 month old twins) or take my other kids out back to garden and pick flowers for me. She even had a sleepover with them a few weeks ago.

My husband grew more distant every day and started saying that me and the kids were overwhelming him and he just needed time alone. So I gave him space, lots of space. I left town for a week. I take the kids to the park when he got home from work. I would try to have them in bed if he was out. He kept demanding more and more. It got to the point where he was demanding more alone time than there were hours in a day. I was giving it to him.

At the same time we started fighting because he refused to participate in any family activities. He would go into a closed loop of explanations about how bad kids suck and much work they are and how life should be about something more than work. No camping trips, no disc golf trips, no nothing. He flat out refused as our summer wasted away.

About a week ago he tells me that we need to separate. That he wants to get a studio apartment so he can be alone and really reflect on things. Then he goes outside and joins in the party. A couple of nights he leaves and tells me he is going to play his guitar with a new friend from work. On the 12th he did this as I pulled into the driveway and he didn't look me in the eye. He was out for 6 hours, way past his bedtime and when he came home he didn't say anything to me, he just avoided eyecontact, got in bed and fell asleep. I felt suspicious and started snooping and within minutes I found what I was looking for. A condom in his wallet (my tubes are tied and its a new wallet) and a cell phone full of text messages. A new message came in as I was holding his phone. It said "I miss you already!". The next one said "I'm taking a shower, I can't wait to see you". The next one was from his friend shannon (the ea girl from last year) and it said "So, does stormy know you are seeing someone else?".

I lost it. I threw the phone and broke it. An allout brawl ensued in which he totally denied he did anything or was with anyone and kept calling me crazy. This went on all night and for the first time in 10 years, I hit him, as many times as I could.

The next day he comes home from work early apparently distraught and says he wants to be honest. With teary eyes he said I was with alicia. What????? We just needed to meet so we could talk about getting an apartment because we both need a place to live and she would never be there so I would get lots of alone time and it wouldn't cost so much. I said no way. You are not moving in with a girl that you have been sneaking around with. He insisted that I pack up and drive 2 hours away so that he could have some time to think. Before I left I made him promise to me and my neighbor kari (alicia's former best friend) that alicia would not come in the house.

He calls me the next day and tells me that well...he actually kissed her. Then he tells me well, I actually took her down to the river, had some drinks and then oops, I didn't mean to but I had sex with her. He says it was the only time and he had no idea it was going there.

Later that night I get a call from my neighbor saying that he's going to kill chad when he sees him so tell him not to come home. Apparently they noticed that chad and alicia were hiding out in our house and beat on the door very hard for a long time. Chad called the cops. Alicia ran out the door and jumped in chad's truck. Kari went for alicia and tried to choke her and the cops almost tazed the other neighbor. Kari spent the night in jail.

At 3 in the morning I look at my bank account and realize it is $300 overdrawn. I was able to calm down the neighbor and get them to promise not to do anything to chad if he comes home. I would rather him be safe and alone than with that snake. Chad refused to believe that he would be safe and still hasn't gone home.

Earlier today he tried to go back there with her again but drove by when he noticed the teenage boys on our porch coming after him because he had alicia in the car with him. I checked the bank again, and this time it was more than $600 overdrawn. He just deposited a $1200 check and only $488 remains. Our rent check is going to bounce and I have no money.

When I finally got ahold of him he acted as if he had no idea he was overspending, even though we specifically talked about how there was no money in the bank before I left so don't use the debit card.

So then he asks if he can spend the night in a motel. I really didn't want him to because I was sure he was bringing her with him. He swore up and down for almost an hour that he would never bring her to our property again and that he just wanted some rest and time to think. He promised to call again at bedtime for the kids, which of course he did not. I left my phone with my friend and went to the store. My kids all started crying that they missed their daddy so she called him and he didn't answer. Then he called right back and asked to talk to me. When ruth mentioned that he was supposed to talk to the kids he acted like he didn't know he was supposed to, but joyfully did it anyway. When the kids got off of the phone with him they were all excited because daddy is going to come down here in a couple of days to see them. What???

So that's it. I don't know what to do. He keeps begging me not to file papers and that he will give me half of his money. As far as I'm concerned, he already spent his half and half of mine. I just want my husband. I don't know why he's doing this. He's acting crazy, threatening to commit suicide, and not remembering what he says. At night he won't answer calls.

I can't get alicia to call or write me back. They are both such cowards. I want to kick her fat horse teeth in so its probably better that I don't see her. I've tried to keep my cool both in my conversations with hubby and my messages to her. I just want them both to own up. I'm certain this happened more that once. Apparently the neighbors had been confronting them for weeks before I ever found out anything because they didn't like the flirting that was going on.

I'm just sick. I can't eat or sleep. I keep having images for chad sleeping with her and I feel jealous. What does she have that I don't? I'm homeless and I have no money. Chad is borrowing money from his dad to move and expects me to figure out my own way. I think he should stay in the house and give me the money, but he's too scared that he'll get beat up. The neighbor's are just feeling guilty that they participated in the situation at all and angry over the loss of friendship with him and the horrible thing he did to me and the kids. They don't want to go to jail over it.

What do I do? I want my man back, but I want him in a way that he has never been willing to be there. I'm so sad for my kids. We are all going to suffer long and hard for his total selfishness. And what about alicia? Can I continue to harrass her or leave her alone? She is just so dispicable and disgusting. What was she doing? Playing house? It makes me want to vomit thinking about it.

Thanks....

First I would let his dad know that you and the kids may be homeless and have no money, and the money dad is lending to son will be used to conduct his affair.

Then I would file for support. You can go to legal aid, or even to the courthouse, and they will help you.

In the middle of an affair, people forget about their obligations. A court order will help him remember.

so well put !
I love this one Believer - I plan to steal it

(((stormy)))

Welcome to MB! So sorry that you had to be here.

As believer said, you need to file for support. You don't have to go through with a D right now, but you need to get your financial situation in order so that you and the kids can be provided for.

Your WH is in a FOG that will last for quite some time. The first thing that has to happen is NC (no contact) and he is not willing to do that. You can be guaranteed that each time he asks for "alone time", he is seeing her or talking to her. DON'T BELIEVE a word that he tells you. Waywards LIE!!!!

Get you and your kids living situation taken care of. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE AGAIN! That is your home and he does not have the right to ask you to leave to give him "alone time" to think. Rubbish! Stay in your home with your kids and make life as stable for them and for you as possible.

You are going to be on a terrible emotional roller coaster. Seek assistance from your medical doctor if necessary. It is not uncommon to be on Antidepressants during this time. Seek assistance from your church, if you have one.

Read through Dr. Harley's concepts on this site and seek out his books on infidelity.

One of the main things that you need to do is Expose this Affair to anyone where it will assist in bringing it to the light of day. (his family, your family, friends, church, etc.) To those that it will help remove the ability for him to be secretive and be supported in his actions. For example, as believer said, you need to tell his father that his grandchildren may not EAT because his son is sleeping with another woman!!

I repeat again - DON'T BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS. If the OW from last year is texting him, he broke NC with her and that's a violation of your Marriage as well.

I'm so sorry that you are in this mess. But you can get through it and be stronger, whether that is in a recovered marriage with him or alone with your kids. Work on the steps, one by one. Read the materials.

Try not to have anymore angry outbursts (easier said than done), but you don't want to have regrets that make you feel guilty while you are trying to process this. Another reason to seek medical help so that you can have an anxiety medication or an antidepressant to calm you down so that you won't be throwing things and be having the outbursts that are so common for betrayed spouses.

Stormy, you may want to edit your post and remove the real names of the characters as well. This will be a sanctuary for you and you don't need anyone knowing who you really are. Just a thought.

WH = wayward husband (that's what he is)
OW = other woman (that's who she is)

And the wayward does not tell the truth and they are not themselves. Think of him as a drug addict. The OW is his drug and he is addicted. How would you behave if you were dealing with a heroine addict, you wouldn't believe him when he told you he needed "alone time".

Hang in there girl, we're here for you.

I forgot to mention that he is an alcoholic. His beer cosumption has increased to the point of being drunk almost every night.

I want antidepressants, but I am nursing twins right now. Got any suggestions for milk safe meds?

I don't know if I want to be in my home. It seems like I won't be able to escape how he's defiled it. Would it make more sense for me to stand my ground up there, initiate plan b and be alone in a big city? Or go ahead and put some real distance between us and let me mess up that lease and have that on my record?

Is it possible for you to move back in with your parents for a short time and to call your current landlord, explain the situation, and find out if there is any way you can break the lease without it having a negative impact on your credit?

I would also def (as has been mentioned) call your H's dad and explain to him the situation.

I would call your H and tell him that you're going to file. It is ridiculous for him to assume he can just have a break from his responsibilities. Ask him when you get some time off like he has had. I'm sure all of us on here that have kids and are married would love to have a day or a couple just to relax. That's just not what happens in real life.

Is it possible for you to withdrawl the rest of the funds so that you and your children can eat before he spends it all?

I don't know his dad's number and he's uber pissed that I told his mom and sister. I've been trying to tell anyone I can that could possible help him find his conscience. I talked to him this morning. His dad sent him $1800. He put $900 in the bank for me to withdraw. That was a surprise, but he still owes me about $600 from the check he screwed up.

I asked him again not to move in with the ow. It's just another layer on our crap cake and not something I want to deal with at the same time as all of this other stuff. He won't budge. He says he needs the financial help because he can't live alone on only half his income, (but somehow the kids and I can?). He told me I needed to be responsible, pawn the kids off on a friend and get a job.

Obviously trying to enforce no contact isn't working. He said he was on his own and he is going to do WHATEVER he wants. IMO he did that before all this.

The problem here, is I really don't want to divorce. I don't want to live alone. I love him, despite him because I choose to. I wish he could understand the concept but the only person he seems to love is him

So should I initiate no contact and how do I do that with so many loose ends? I can stay with friends down here. Now I don't know if I should use the money to put toward a place even though its not enough, or should I rent a storage unit, crash at my brother's house and use the money to file papers? I don't want to spend too much time at my brother's house because their family is a bigger mess than mine.

You should ask him how he's going to feel when you file and half his income goes to child support.

Stormy,

It sounds like you need to be in Plan B and protect your finances for you and your children. I'm not so sure that you can do Plan A at this point.

You may want to start posting your story in General Questions II for the next steps in the process. It wouldn't hurt to get a wide variety of suggestions on your situation, it sounds like it is pretty urgent!

Hang in there! Protect you and your kids. You don't have to skip right to Divorce, but you do need a plan.