Greetings All...
I'm new here and want to say Hello and GOD Bless to all.

I need some good advice on my current problem. My wife is going through a crisis. About three weeks ago after church, I found he texting in the bathromm to another man. I grabbed her cellphone and called this guy on it and was anything but christian on the phone. He keep repeating they were just friends. At first she told me it was some guy she meet on the internet. Well, I didn't buy it and started investigating it. Turns out it is one of her co-workers. I was furious that she lied to me again. I confronted her about it and she said they were just friends and denies any involvement other that calling and texting. I did some more research and found out that she has been talking to this guy for hours at a time after work. She works a swing shift and gets off at 3 am. So after I confronted her about this, I sat up one night and caught her in her car on the phone again.

A few days past and she told me that I love you, but I don't love you. She said that I didn't deserve her and I should have a better person in my life. I was devestated. I have been married to her for 16 years and have 2 boys with her. One is 15 and the other is 12. I'm 43 btw and my wife is 36. I love her more than anything and don't want to lose her. I can't believe she would say these things to me. She says that she is unhapppy and doesn't know why. She has stated that she would like to be best friends but wants to be seperated.

She has been going through a tough time mentally and looks really bad. Her mind keeps battling back and forth and she is not the wife I maried 16 years ago. I wake up each day wondering which wife I will have today. One day she wants to move out and the next she wants to stay. It pains me so much to see her this way. I know my wife is in there somewhere. I have recommended getting counselling to her or seeing a doctor, but she won't go for it. She thinks she is fine. I have talked to my Pastor and his wife about it and they really would like to talk to her. She just won't commit to it. My oldest son knows and is very hurt. He conforted her about this and she wouldn't even look him in the eyes as she spoke to him. My youngest knows something is going on but not that she is thinking about leaving. I told her she is going to have to tell him because I will have to pickup the pieces if she leaves.

Things have changed somewhat as she will leave her phone lying around again and I haven't noticed her texting him anymore. I asked her about it and she said her co-worker is scared and doesn't want to talk to her until she resolves her issues.

I really need a plan of attack here. I would love to talk to someone who has been through this. I'm having my own mood swings now but I am staying active and trying to be there for my sons.

Please help..GOD Bless..

Find out if OM is married. If he is married - make the unhappy call to OMW - tell her the truth and present the facts - and ask her to call you back if she learns anything else --- she can keep an eye on things from her end.

Nothing as non romantic as being dumped - unfortunately - many WW need to be dumped by OM before they can de-fog.

Your WW is "just friends" with a person who is using her for jollies.

Protect her from this jerk by any legal means necessary.

Welcome to MB.

Pep

I did. He is 25 and lives in his mother's house. He is not married and very afraid I will double-tap him. At least that is what the wife says. I want to help my wife get through this midlife crisis but don't know the best way to do it. I don't want to throw her out as she has no family here in the US, and is avoiding contact with all of her friends.

what's this?

Pep

Military term for one in the head, the other in the chest. I might also and that she is the one that started this. She said she asked for his number when I first confronted her.

invite her wisest and most emotionally grounded friends over for lunch at your home

don't expect your wife to lift a finger

get take out food and bring home

put flowers/dishes/napkins/etc on the table

put nice music on

once her friends arrive

kiss your wife

say

"have fun, I'll be back in 2 hours"

an act of love and kindness that does not require an equal response back to you

do this a few times

see if her depression lightens

is she losing weight?

Pep

What legal action can I take? Should I call her HR department? They work together.

Yes she is losing weigth. My Mom couldn"t believe how rough she looks.

Thank You Pepperband for the fast replies....

ummmmmmmmmmmm Wait on that just a bit.

I'd begin by showing up at her work unannounced - bringing a small snack or one flower - something like that

Do you know what OM's car looks like?

LOVE IT !




So - if your wife was the aggressor - exposing to HR will probably cost her her job.

I think she should volunteer to quit.
What are the chances of that?

Pep

I can found out. I'm well versed in those kind of tactics. I just got off the phone with her best friend. She been with her husband In Washington, D.C. She is totally shocked and upset and wants to read her the riot act when she gets home.

I don't know if she would quit. She really likes her job and makes good money at it. I would hate to cause her to lose her job. But, on the other hand, she has to cease and desist all contact with this jerk.

Do you think this will help?

You said your WW is isolating herself.
Ask the friend to make it a loving intervention - and not a riot.

The riot can come later if necessary

one of my all time favorite threads .... maybe you can add commentary


link

She will be kind but brutally honest. She is the most well grounded person I know. I think her hubby is going on his 4th tour in Iraq and she has been left alone to raise their 3 kids. She will get to the root.

what is her country of origin?
how culturally "Americanized" is your wife now?

these facts can change the tenor of advise we offer - it's sometimes pretty important & sometimes not so important


Pep

PS - I wish Believer would weigh in here

PERFECT !

She is from the Philippines.

I am VERY familiar with this culture

family is very important - advantageous for you

thanks for commenting on Sun Tzu discussion thread!