I plan on telling my WW that we need to talk this afternoon and ask her what she expects from our marriage and if her feelings towards the OM and her pervious decision to move out have changed. These talks usually degrade into her telling me all 497 reasons why I'm a bad husband and she needs to leave.

D-Day has been a month ago and she has made no efforts in any direction since.
Is there a polite way to tell her to stay on topic of her current feelings and intensions?

if I may make some suggestions ....

I plan on telling my WW that we need to talk this afternoon and ask her what she expects from our marriage

Ask her out for coffee -
Order something sweet to share with her (feed her little bites)-
Tell her she looks pretty-
Tell her she smells nice-
Ask her how her day has been so far-
Ask what her plans for the coming week are-
Keep eye contact with her-
Smile and hold her hand-
Gently touch her face ONCE-

ALL of the above are Plan A behaviors

feelings towards the OM

I ask you to NOT do this
This is a fools journey
Please don't be a fool here
A woman's feelings (I AM a woman) are hard enough for a man to understand under normal circumstances - let alone now - If you ask her this I guarantee it will precipitate an arguement which is not part of Plan A

These talks usually degrade into her telling me all 497 reasons why I'm a bad husband and she needs to leave.

Reason enough to do something different - something unexpected - something out of the box

If you do the same things over and over getting the same response over and over - I don't see why you'd expect a different outcome.

I have another thought - but I am hoping you respond to this first.

Pep

Quote

Is there a polite way to tell her to stay on topic of her current feelings and intensions?

You have the wrong goal in mind.
You want to find out the "intentions" of an affair addict?

I'll tell you what her "intentions" are ... to get her fix from OM when she needs one and then to have you fill the other ENs that Om cannot fill.

You want to find out the "feelings" of an affair addict?

I'll tell you what her "feelings" are ... confused/lost/angry/sad.

Are you in Plan A?

Pep

we've already been through the main conflict
exposure
her feelings
my feelings
and her intensions (said she needs to leave to be by herself)

this was over a month ago and since I've ready several books about marriage and help and been on some good sites and gotten some great info.

the OM has quit his job (they know each other from work) and we are currently on Plan A

this was all a month ago and here we sit now in a rut, with her still not showing ANY affection attention or acknowledgement that I'm even here some days


I plan on asking her what her what I've learned and that I need her on board with me if we are to move forward TOGETHER. I wan't to know if her intensions of leaving have changed or is she just stuck in a rut. I didn't want to conversation to side track into things we've gone over many times before, but don't want to offend by telling "stay on topic"

I was hoping someone here might have some insight on how to move forward once plan A is in place and I'm prepared to move forward but she's not indicated where she want to go from here


I do appreciate the advice to tell her my feelings first and let her know what I want and intend to do from here. That will certainly give her a jumping point to get a conversation rolling.

You don't understand Plan A. Plan A is not "we" .... it is "I am in Plan A".

Be right back .....

Back:

Plan A is used by the faithful spouse when the wandering spouse is still active in their affair.

Is she still active in the affair?

Has no contact been verified?

Pep

I thought most of the process is about "WE"

unless the affair has gone completely underground including from her other co-workers it has ended. I have confirmed that he no longer works there and from I can tell he instigated the no contact (possibly an ultimatum from his wife)

There have been no calls made to-from her cell from to the OM and her work (and lunch) habits have gone back to the way they were 5-6 months ago (preaffair)

OK

If the affair has ended why is your wife still planning to leave?

What is your plan to attract her back to you?

Does your plan to become attractive to your wife include "confrontation"?

Think about this for awhile - you can ALWAYS confront - but your window of opportunity to attract her home is getting smaller ...

In my opinion - what you plan to do today makes you less attractive to her - not more.

What say you?

Pep

well today wasn't a good day so I'll have to table the whole thing for now

she woke up very late with a sore back and neck, ate lunch took her meds and went back to bed - I guess I'll try tomorrow