Awwwww.....thank you, SL!!

Yeah, the only person who doesn't know his current nicknames is FSO, Mr. Gray. Oh wait! Slag doesn't know hers either!! LOL!!

I will probably tell Mr. Gray his one day. He used to have a ton of others like Buster, Paco, Dammit (from the Bill Cosby, "Himself" video, remember that one? LOL!)...among many others!! Yeah, we used to have fun with that.

Charlotte

[quote=Dancing_MachineI got one! I got one!!

How 'bout...Phlegm?



Charlotte [/quote]

Well, at first I amost barfed, but after I thought about it for a minute, I decided that it just may work. At least it's nicer than what I had in mind.

Phlegm it is. From now on, WH is Phlegm.

Thanks Charlotte!

CL,


Does it MEAN anything in particular...other than being... a very 'unique' word?

Curious minds want to know!

Well, at first I amost barfed, but after I thought about it for a minute, I decided that it just may work. At least it's nicer than what I had in mind.

Phlegm it is. From now on, WH is Phlegm.

Thanks Charlotte! [/quote]

You're welcome!

LOL!! I thought she might like it.

And reading about her WH, I just thought about how he gets stuck in her throat...kinda like phlegm. You can drag it up, drag it back down, hawk it up and spit it out or swallow it. (Yum!) It tends to come back on you no matter what you do. LOL!

But she can get rid of it pleasantly by drinking some Chai Tea!



And yeah, it does have a nice ring to it!

Charlotte

Charlotte, Luna,

I guess the first thing I thought of was "spit." But your explanation Charlotte is so much more politically correct.

Me politically correct? ROTFLMAO!!!

Oh! I mean...thank you!!!



Charlotte

Well, meeting with DD went OK. I had warned her that if she got nasty with me or argued with me, I wouldn't come over anymore.

She lives not far from our old house, so I had to drive by. Approaching that side of town was a huge trigger for me. Just getting closer made me horribly depressed. Passing the house brought tears, although I couldn't see it from the road, just passing the driveway made me ill. Remember all of the months that I spent there alone. UGH

So, she got in the car and stated that her dad (Phlegm - still have to get used to this new name) would be coming back into town next weekend. I said "OK." She then started asking questions about the D. I told her I hadn't heard anything. She then asked if I had any dates. I told her that I had not. She asked me if I was over it, and I explained to her that D leaves scars that last a lifetime, and that one just never "gets over" it. She then proceeded to tell me that Phlegm said that I had more money than I let on, that he was mad about some $400 charge on something, that she shouldn't care what I think about anything, blah, blah blah. Seems as though the hostility is STILL there. That's IF she is telling the truth.

Oh the hostility from him. That just blows my mind. He was one that would have lied forever to eat cake forever. He really wanted both for as long as he could. I guess the continued hostility is a way to keep blaming me for all of this.

Anyway, I told her that it was too hurtful for me, and that I really didn't want to talk about it.

She was OK until the end and then she hit me. She is getting kicked out of the place that she lives in next week and said she needed to live with me. I told her no, and she got nasty, said a few things and got out of the car. She has a job, but they never last more than a few days. The crack-boyfriend usually takes the first paycheck for drugs and it goes downhill from there.

As for the pregnancy, she says she is keeping the baby. I just don't know what to think at this point. I just don't have an answer for it. I wish that I did.

Four years ago, we were a happy family - or so I thought. Not sure where things went so wrong.

Hang in there Chai. It is hard, but will get easier. I wonder why hubby keeps sending messages through your daughter?

Don't let her move in. Let her live in the street. Better that she hit bottom, wherever that is.

The young lady I told you about came by again today. She DID take my advice and went to see a doctor with the number I gave her. Turns out she is having twin girls. Anyway, she was sober today, and more like her real self. I've known this girl since she was 6, and it is heartbreaking.

Hi CL,

Tough day, huh?

...continue to be strong, CL...

(((((((((((((((((CL))))))))))))))))))))

Oh, Chai, it sounds like you've have a very tough day. For what it's worth, I believe you did the right thing with your daughter. Did she hit you; I thought that was what you posted.

I hope you are doing a little self soothing this evening.

Believer,

I hope that it does get easier. Everytime I think I'm OK, wham, I get socked with a flood of emotion. If I had to predict the future today, I would say that I will bury my DD before she is 30. And if her Dad shows up then, it may be the only other time we see each other. I know that we never know what's going to happen, and Lord knows I never thought I would be in the position that I'm in today, but the future doesn't look so bright right now. Maybe I'm just having one of those days that we get now and then, but I feel so alone right now.

Not sure that WH is sending messages through her as much as he is venting to her. The hostility amazes me. What do waywards expect you to do when they continue to lie and cheat? UGH

I hope that the girl that you know will stay sober. With my DD, the answer is a long term rehab program which she refuses to do. It IS heartbreaking. Especially when there is nothing that you can do to help. And I know that I can't let her move in. First, I can't live with the chaos that she lives in, and second, I'm afraid they would clean me out the minute I left the house.

Anyway, thanks for listening and responding....

Luna, SL,

Thanks for dropping in. SL, I probably used the wrong term there. She didn't physically hit me, she figuratively hit me. She hits me up for something everytime she sees me. That's what I meant. Although she has never hit me, she has verbally abused me many, many times. I don't tolerate it anymore though.

Hi CL,

How are you doing today?

(((((((((((((((((((CL)))))))))))))

Hi CL,

I really think this was a good reading for us the other day. Doesn't always make us feel better, but it helps.

From Melody Beatty in Letting Go.

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between.

We are moving forward even when we are in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in-between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.

Well I thought that I would get back to my regular Plan B thread. At this point, I have been unable to determine if WH actually had another heart attack or not. He did not answer my message and offer to help. I didn't think that he would. So here is where I am:

He has obviously left the state, and whether or not he is with OP I don't know. He is obviously in poor health at this point since he has had at least one heart attack, and it sounds like a hernia as well. His job is very physical, so I wonder how long he will be able to keep it. He will be 55 in about 5 months.

I thought that he filed for a D, but since I have not been notified with any official papers, I don't think that is the case. My atty prepared an LSA last year, which he wouldn't sign. His atty asked for stuff, mine did too, and the ball was last in his court but we have received nothing. He gave OP a bunch of money and we asked for proof of that, but I have heard nothing for over 5 months now. So, as of today I am still M with nothing signed.

I have not pushed my atty, so haven't heard from him at all. I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand it may mean that WH doesn't really want to D, but on the other I am feeling very vulnerable. While nothing is signed, I hang on to my retirement account, but what is he doing? He may be rapidly accumulating more debt with OP and more medical expenses that he won't be able to pay if he can no longer work. I know that OP has filed for bankruptcy a few times and likes to gamble, so if he is with her she has probably drained him. I'm sure she found the checkbook and credit cards while he was in the hospital.

I think that I should probably get a new atty who will fight for me and get this moving. WH has not helped me at all and I have struggled with keeping myself going. I've assumed the car debt, and all business debt which keeps me from taking much for myself. It has been very difficult financially. The new job that I'm am considering is commission only, so I don't know how that will play out.

Jennifer said to give Plan B a year, which is in about 3 weeks. Christmas will be my 2 year Dday and the A was in effect at least 1 year by that time. At this point, I can only conclude that the M is over. I've reached out, he has not responded at all, so I don't know what I should do except go ahead and file for the D and let it go. Any observations would be appreciated.

On the DD front. It only gets worse. The guy she was staying with kicked her out due to the drug dealing, chaos, etc. She went to stay with a girl whose parents kicked her out for the same reason. They were older and couldn't take the stealing, dealing etc. They got an apartment for her. She has MS, so I'm sure that they feel guilty over all of this. So, DD found someone else to take her in.

Anyway, DD's Probation Officer called to tell me she was due in court (he called 10 minutes before so I couldn't go) but he felt that she would get jail time. She has continually violated probation by failing the urine tests. We both agree that she needs help but isn't ready to do it herself. PO knew about the guy who died last week, and he said that she is headed in the same direction. He also told me that DD's boyfriend beat her up the night before, knocked her out, and he is now in jail. Jail seems to be his second home.

Well, a guy that DD knows called me Friday afternoon to tell me that she was in jail. Honestly, I was relieved. Both the PO and I agreed that she is going to OD, so jail was the best place for her.

I thought that I would get some peace for 42 days while she is in jail, but no. The same guy called 30 minutes later to tell me that she was out!!! He didn't know how, but she was. She asked him for a ride to the apartment where she was staying. He said he would give her the ride.

Next morning - same guy calls me to tell me he is totally done with trying to help DD. Says he gave her a ride to the apartment where DD found her belongings on the lawn. DD bangs on door and the girl comes out in a rage. The two of them start fighting, blood everywhere. Seems that the girl's BF OD'd the night before and died. She blamed DD for taking him to buy the drugs that killed him. Now there are two guys dead in less than one week. I just don't know how to help her anymore. If this isn't the bottom, then there isn't one.

The guy told me that he is done trying to help her. He wants nothing more to do with her at this point. After the fight (said it looked like her nose was broken) he gave her $10 and told her to call someone else. Evidently she did and went to stay elsewhere. I haven't heard from her, so don't know where she is, or if she is even alive. God is the only one who can help her now, and I pray that he will.

The PO told me to write a letter to the Judge, which I will mail tomorrow, but it may be too late. I don't know how to stop it.

Anyway, that's my update. I'm trying to stay positive, but it gets hard some days. Five years ago I thought we were a happy family. If you had asked me then to tell you where I would be today, I would have predicted that DD would be M to the guy she was dating, have a great job, and that WH and I would be in our empty-nester home and gearing up for our retirement. How can things go so wrong? I'm glad you all are here because you are the only ones who really know how A's can totally F up your life. Everyone else thinks you should just get over it and move on.

Thanks for reading. I actually did have a pretty good week. I was in one of my F WH moods and felt pretty good until the news about DD. That took me down a notch or two.

Advice, suggestions, comments needed and welcomed. I need you guys to keep me focused.

CL,

For now, all I want to do is give you a BIG

Jut read your post... for now, I want you to know that I am in awe at your strength and that you are in my thoughts... as I am still trying to figure out myself what lessons we are supposed to learn from all of these trials... I found Mark's post on Queenie's thread very inspiring...if you have not had a chance to read it yet!

Lotsa stuff that is out of your control. I know this is difficult to deal with.

As for your marriage, if you don't NEED to make a decision directly, then I suggest setting a time and revisiting it then. I find reasonable time limits to be helpful in spurning me to make tough decisions.

If you continue like this, you could be separated for YEARS with no forward movement. Some can live like this, as they do not want to move on. Some do it out of FEAR. You have to decide which is you. IMO, FEAR is no excuse to not do what is best for YOU.

I will be praying for your daughter, Chai.

Thanks Luna and SL,

You are right SL, I could go like this for years. I've known people who have done this. I do need to decide though. I'm not sure why WH isn't pushing forward with it. Sometimes I think that it's his excuse to OP - Chai won't sign so I can't get a D. I guess I don't get it.

Sometimes I wonder if it's because he thinks he isn't going to make it. He knows me, and he knows that I will take care of everything like I always have. I'm like the Life Manager on steroids. I excel at managing things (to a fault) like paperwork, admin stuff etc. It's because of me that we have (or HAD) the top credit rating, retirement accounts, life ins etc. WH is lousy at that stuff, and I'm sure that he can't trust the OP with anything since she has filed bankruptcy and lives in near poverty. He just knows I'll do what needs to be done. So maybe that's it. I don't know. As we all know, it's impossible to figure out the wayward mindset.

I am getting to the point where I do want to know what direction my life is going to go. You can only wait so long. As long as I'm in limbo I don't know how to move forward financially, professionally, emotionally, or any other way. And at 54, I need to have some of the answers as retirement is starting to come into full view....

It sounds like the best place for your daughter is in jail. At least she would be safer there.

Prayers going up for her.

If your husband isn't able to work, he could get social security disability. And then you could collect it on his account at 60, I think. Not sure, but I'm eligible at 60 - my ex died and was collecting when he died.

Anyway, you do need something in writing that will protect you from any debts that hubby runs up. Medical care is very expensive - my ex's little stay and bypass cost $200,000. and after insurance, we owed $40,000. And that was years ago.