Honey, they may mess with our minds, but our libido's stay intact
I am really glad to hear that little gem from you.
I'm a lurker here too
[[[hugs]]]

SL - thanks so much for the tips!! The lawyers here steer you away from LS here b/c it costs just as much as a D. Should probably just go straight for a D.

It is already established that WH has been writing me a check for $$ amount every two week for the past 2 1/2 years. So, that will probably be what I will ask for. Although with inflation I should probably bump that number up a bit.

ML - I got your red flags. Loud & clear!!

lildoggie -

Spoke to first lawyer on the phone today.....Well, I think it was just the "screener" perhaps.

Anyway, she asked me a few questions & thought I could file initially as uncontested. She gave me rates for both contested & uncontested. Wow, what a huge price diff.

I asked about Separate Maintenance, she advised against. I asked how to proceed by filing with reason of adultery & she advised AGAINST it. She said that if I was going to file that way, it would become public record and the children would know about it. And that children didn't have any reason to know that "Daddy has a girlfriend." Well, that immediately marked them off my list. I was a bit surprised that she expressed an opinion like that.

I told her that I did want to have it on public record. She said that if filed that way, it would not be "peaceable" and that normally the other party begins to play dirty and act like a JackA_ _. I told her my H was already acting like a JackA_ _. She said if I wanted to file uncontested, I would need to file with "irrconcilable differences."

On to the next lawyer......

Kim,

You reminded me of my lawyer search. The one I ended up going with was reluctant to file on grounds of adultery also. She did, but just because I insisted. Then she met my exWH and she was balls to the wall after that. He made such a negative impression on her and her staff.

After dealing with exWH, not only were they happy to have the adultery on record, but they subpeonaed (spell check) the OW and OWH, which was the turning point in my divorce. ExWH became very agreeable to my terms in, oh, about five minutes after OW was served. (of course, exWH hasn't kept up his end of the deal, but that is another story).

I hope the next lawyer you speak to gives you a better feeling.

Yeah, I don't mind pushing the issue of filing based on adultery....it was the comment about the "children not knowing" that turned me off.

Do you have to go to court to have the OW subpeonaed (I'm not sure on the spelling either!) or do they do it anyway when you file based on adultery?

I've decided to just repair my car & sink more $$ into it - All the on-line articles say it is better to do that unless it is something like an engine. It finally conked out on me anyway so it would be kind of hard to trade it in at this point. Hopefully I can drive it for another year or so before getting something else.

I am detaching more & more from WH. I guess that is part of the healing process. Put some more stuff in the garage for him.

When I find myself thinking of him, I tell myself "You're doing it again. Stop it." That usually works.

The way I recall, deposing the OW and OWH was in preparation for trial. Basically, it was just putting pressure on ex to sign the papers. He didn't care for the terms of the divorce (plus I had OW named in the complaint), so he wanted to fight. He decided to stop fighting when OW was served and he signed that day.

Sorry about the car repairs but I usually just fix whatever is wrong also. If I can fix the car for less than I could replace it than I fix. But I drive a 15 year old car and love not having a car payment.

Have a great weekend, Kim

Hi Kim, I've been here since you started here, posted to you a few times.

I just want to say I'm sorry to hear WH did it again, I knew you really wanted and fought for it the marriage builders way. I think a lot of it's his ego, the entitlement, self serving selfishness that all waywards have, he never got rid of it. I'm sorry for your son whom had to endure it a second time. It's harder the second time, but you will get stronger.

Your a great woman, who never deserved such treatment. I only pray the Lord above will show your husband the depths of what he has done, and show him himself and how treacherous and selfish he really is.

And I pray you and sons personal recovery will be a miraculous and speedy one.

Lady

How's it going, Kim??

Hi Kim,

Havent seen you around for a whie and was just wondering how it was all going.



Lil

Hey Kim,

It's been nearly a month since you last checked in, whats been happening?

Hope you and your DS are ok.

Hi all -

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. I have had a hectic and crazy month and finally feel like things are slowing down. I haven't put anything further into locating a lawyer so hope to get back into that again too.

I found this bbq tool stuck underneathe my bushes at the front of my house a couple of weeks ago & it weirded me out. It was the tool that has a long prongs to stab larger pieces of meat. Someone had bent the tool so the end of the prong was at a 90 degree angle. I hoped that WH had left it....maybe he was using it for something. It had me VERY weirded out and I e-mailed him to find out if it was his. He said No. My alarm system is broken, so maybe I will get it fixed.....

I shouldn't have e-mailed WH, I knew it was a mistake when I sent it. I am ready for the 2 x 4's.

DS's birthday is today. WH e-mailed me b/c DS mentioned that I might be getting him a Wii. WH had the nerve to say he would share the cost of it with me. I didn't response & after another e-mail inquiring about my safety with the alarm system and the birthday present I told him it was a mistake for me to e-mail him to begin with and for him to not to e-mail me unless it was an emergency or concerning DS' behavior/schoolwork.

That stopped the e-mails.

I have also asked WH to change his mailing address to that Woman that he is staying with. This is a big step for me b/c I held back on doing that the first time he moved out. I am tired of seeing his name on the mail coming in and tired of handling getting his mail to him.

On another subject, has anyone read the book The Shack? I just finished reading it and am going to read it again. It helps to work through the questions people sometimes have for God when tragedies happen to good people. It's fictional, but the book really helped me to look at what has happened to me in a better light.

I'm still sad much of the time, and am sad today thinking that I should be celebrating Ds's birthday with the man who helped bring him into this world.

Kim

I am glad to hear from you Kim!

Happy Birthday Kim's DS

I am sorry you are in a sad period right now, but, this too, shall pass.

I recently started Divorcecare, yeah, a little late, but better late than never. They say there are two ways to go through divorce, the right way which invoves extreme pain, or the wrong way which involves excruciating pain (Doesn't that make you feel warm and fuzzy??)

Good job on the mail situation.

Sorry you are feeling sad. Be careful about the mail thing. Both WstbxH and his OW immediately had their mail changed. Unfortunately they are both stupid and managed to have ALL of our mail forwarded to their new address - mine and OWH's included. This caused me problems in particular because all of the bills had been in Wstbx's name and I was in the process of switching them to mine so there were a few that took a couple of tries. One bill that only gets paid quarterly didn't work out the first time, but I had forgotten about it since it was so rare. WstbxH kept the bills since they were being sent to him (it was just another horrible thing he did to me for no other purpose other than to hurt me more - probably impressed his OW at the same time). Eventually a collection agency caught up with me and I found out for the first time that this was going on. (all the monthly bills I had set up on automatic withdrawal so they were getting paid - just not this quarterly one).

Now even though he couldn't wait to forward his mail out of my house, that service only lasts 6 months here. I guess they figure that's enough time to get your address changed at individual places. But Wstbx did not bother to do that so after 6 months I started getting his mail again. At first I would let him know but I grew sick of it (and still a little bitter about that bill he hid on me) so now I just save it in a pile. If DS comes home on the weekend AND DS decides to visit Wstbx AND he happens to remember about the mail, it gets there. Otherwise it just sits in it's pile. I had his income tax refund for months (tee hee hee.... )

I loved the Shack! Great book.

About the change of address thing - if you know what her addres is, you can change it yourself. Go online. I think it is USPS.com if I remember right. You jsut list his name and old adress, to be changed to his new one. There is aplace ont ehre to say "Just change this one person, not everyone at this house"

I did it - and it was GREAT for me. Within just a couple fo days I was no longer getting his mail.

So now I have to make a confession about soemthing I did at the time. He had a Playboy subscrtiption that he signed up for just a few months before he left. Those disgusting magazines kept showing up in my mail box and I was sick of it. So one day a letter came in the mail from Playboy with an offer to extend your subscription for 3 more years at a lower price. I filled out the card, with his new address, checked the box that says "yes, please bill me later" and sent it.

I wanted to make sure that he and OW got those magaiznes at her house for a nice long time. And I am sure she was thrilled to see the involces coming in to pay for the 3 more years subscription!

Ok so it was an act of revenge, and at times I felt bad about it, but what the heck. It made me smile for awhile

Later, I just changed his address at USPS.com, and quit getting his mail all together.

Jean, Tabby & WOF -

Thanks for your posts -- I know the sadness thing is a rollercoaster ride...comes & go's.

In the book I mentioned before, the main character describes his pain as "The Great Sadness" something that was with him a huge part of his waking days, and even in his sleep. Even though his sadness was caused by something other than betrayal, his feelings and descriptions were much like mine.

DS had a wonderful day yesterday. I try not to watch him get in the car with WH, but peeked out the window a bit. When DS got in the car, WH & DS hugged for a very long time. I know he misses his Dad even though he never brings it up to me. And I try not to think about it.

Jean, the just don't look forward to going through more pain with the Divorce. It's like plopping pain on top of more pain.....

Tabby - thanks for the tip off on the bills. Most of the utilities are in WH's name still. I am now in the process of getting them changed. That would stink to not have the utility bills coming to me!! Other than that, nothing else is in his name. No CC's,checking account stuff.

WOF - your story about the PlayBoy subscription made me chuckle. I might go on & change his addie after I get all of the bills out of his name.

Doing DS's party tomorrow. Small gathering at the house, it will be a lot of fun!

Kim

Hi Kim,

Good to hear from you.


....while it's a good idea to acknowledge the pain and sadness ...do keep focusing and putting your energy on the good stuff and enjoying your DS...they grow up waaaay TOO SOON!

Yes Luna, they do grow up too fast. And every year I find something extra special that I love about DS. Every year there is some uniqueness about him that I discover. He is truly a special kid!

Yesterday was a beautiful day, weather was wonderful and the day was fun! 4 boys, 1 girl at the party which was PLENTY for me. Thank goodness my mom & dad were here to help. Nine year old boys are FULLLLLLL of energy.

WH got a piece of mail yesterday from an insurance company that is mine, not his so I was curious. The envelope was not really sealed......I pulled it out & there it showed 3 visits to the Therapist that we used one time right before I found out about 2nd A. One was around the date we first went, another later in the same month (July) and one in August. I have not been back to the therapist. The crazy thing is that it showed that WH is working at a different company. One that he worked at 14 years or so ago. It is bewildering. I am pretty sure WH has not changed jobs.

Could WH really be getting therapy?????????????????

Kim