If you cooperate with someone who is he11bent on destroying your marriage [over a temporary affair] you will have a ..........destroyed marriage. Going to "mediation" with a falling down drunk who is temporarily addicted to an OM is the same as NEGOTIATING WITH A TERRORIST. Only an insane person would do that.

The truth is that if you cooperate, you are more likely to have NO MARRIAGE. If you DON'T COOPERATE, you are more likely to NEVER GET DIVORCED! Most affairs NEVER end up in divorce, unless the BS stupidly goes along with a foghorn. Because if you drag your feet you can outlast this TEMPORARY AFFAIR. TEMPORARY, TEMPORARY. Keep saying that until you understand it.

Your W is trying to make permanent decisions based on a TEMPORARY STATE OF MIND. It is your job as the only sane counterpart in this transaction to not allow that.


bcboy, your best bet is stop listening to fogbabble and stop letting a falling down drunk control and lead your life. THAT IS INSANE, SIR! I don't know who is more fogbound, you or your wife!! At least she has an excuse, you don't! Take back the helm and stop this nonsense!

Hi Mel

Thanks for the reply

I am starting to favour leaving the marriage for the following reasons:
1) Loss of trust in her - This is huge
2) Her continued criticism of me
3) She is not willing to go to MC
4) She is pursuing Legal Separation - Lawyers now involved.
5) Continued contact - underground with OM
6) Her personality disorder -
7) Constant creation of turmoil and chaos - part of personality disorder
8) continually changing requirements from her for what I would need to do to restore the M.
9) Feels I am emotionally abusive.
10) Feels I am emotionally disconnected
11) High level of conflict and tension between us

I think I am being motivated by a fear of being alone, fear of loss, change etc....

She also informed me the other day that she has felt alone for many years and been emotionally disconnected from me for a very long time. (I admit I am not good at emotions, but I don't know what to do about it). During the conversation she stated, "You say I am having an EA, of course I am looking for an emotional connection because I can't do that with you. I wish I could have but I am too tired and emotinally beat up right now, so I need space and time to heal". So if it wasn't an EA with this guy she will likely be looking for some other dude.

I have been very kind and considerate to her. No LB, no DJ. She seems to be immune to Plan A. She is civil to me but I feel the wall between us growing.

I feel there is very little to build on. I am feeling discouraged that because there seems to be little I can do to "fix" the M. She is not interested. I am having to deal with the reality that this relationship seems broken beyond repair, and I am the only one wanting to try to repair it.

I guess I am having to take inventory of the situation. What is the saying "If you are riding a dead horse dismount"?

There is NOTHING you have posted here that is not a DIRECT RESULT of her affair. Do you understand that? All of those points are CLASSIC TRAITS we see in EVERY AFFAIR.

Did you know that? You are not HEARING ME, bcboy. You have described EVERY AFFAIR we see here. You are throwing your marriage away over the symptoms of a TEMPORARY AFFAIR.

You are not listening to us. You are making the biggest mistake of your life.


The horse is only SICK. Your reaction is to do nothing and allow it to die. You want to kill the horse because it is running fever and is weak and can't go far. "Oh no, I don't want a weak horse!" That is what you are saying. Instead of taking steps to make the horse STRONG, you are kicking him to the curb because he is WEAK because of his illness.

Why not take it to the VET? Why not try to make the horse STRONG before you shoot him in the head?

I see your point. Because I am directly involved I am in my own fog. It is easier to see what others need to do, but I am blind in my own situation.

So you have followed my posts. She has started the legal proceedings, what is my next step?

What does that mean EXACTLY? What has she done?

She has contacted a lawyer. Told the lawyer her desire to separate. The lawyer is starting the paperwork. In Canada you can separate with or without the cooperation of the spouse.

I have contacted a lawyer as well and his response was, you can go to protracted legal confrontation but the only difference will be you will spend about 50 - 200 K fighting in court and you will still be separated. If she has already filed the papers the process is in play.

ok, so far she has really done nothing except talk to a lawyer. Do you know if she really even did that? She could have just said that to scare you into compliance. WHICH IN THE PAST HAS WORKED FOR HER!

UNTIL YOU ARE SERVED THIS IS ALL JUST TALK. EMPTY TALK. Do you understand that? It is smoke and mirrors. AGITPROP. So, until you see the papers, don't concern yourself.

Secondly, the lawyer is only concerned with facilitating an amicable, EASY divorce. You are trying to save your marriage. COOPERATING with her will get you DIVORCED. You don't want to get divorced.

So, how about finding a lawyer that will a) fight for you and b) drag things out and c) KEEP YOU IN YOUR HOUSE.

With a separation, can she have you kicked out of your own home?

My suggestion would be to continue to avoid lovebusters, try to meet her needs and continue to STAND FIRM AGAINST HER AFFAIR. She is not entitled to have an adulterous affair. She is not free to DATE until you are legally divorced, you need to continually remind her of that.

And, I have to ask. Has the OM been back on your property or has he been in touch with your wife?

bcb, the thing you are not understanding is that this is NOT YOUR WIFE. Do you even recognize this crazy, bitter woman?

Man, if that statement doesn't describe ALL of us husbands who are victims or betrayal or walk away wives...........................

That hit home like a punch in kisser....

how long between separation and divorce in canada? here in italy is 3 years! used to be 5, we have the Pope here and they really try to make it hard to divorce. the longer the lag the better in your case, i hope is not just months there in canada

bcboy, here is the problem with your situation. You are allowing a drunk to drive the ship. As a result, you are weaving and bobbing all over the bay and going around in crazy circles.

You will continue to do this until you take back the reigns, set a STRATEGY and follow YOUR PLAN.

Her plan is to destroy your marriage because she is TEMPORARILY intoxicated by an affair. Why in the WORLD would you follow her plan?

The reason I am here right now is her friends are encouraging her to leave.

This statement MUST be ANOTHER universal occurance. I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED that this would be the case.....kind of puts a damper on EXPOSURE, narrows the field I suppose..........

wow, you mean she is surrounding herself with ENABLERS?? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! :MrEEk:

my H had an A 4 years ago. do not believe everything your W tells you. she is confused and does not even know what her next tought will be. do not be her emotional punch bag. remove yourself from her words and tell yourself she does not mean anything she says. my H could not even remember half of the hurtful things he told me while he was having the A. he went as far as saying "It is not possible that i said that as i will never even dream or think something like that!"
imagine

Oh did you mean the divorced neighbour where they are "just friends'? He has not been on the property but he calls her on her cell phone. By the way did you know that I was blowing this thing way out of proportion? They are just friends, and she is mad as h3ll that I exposed her activities to some neighbours, and that I have slandered her, and ruined her reputation in the neighbourhood.


I am not sure of the differences between the two countries but my lawyer has been notified that the separation is to proceed. I guess that is similar to being served.


I have been doing all of the above. But she is still in touch with OM on her cell. She tells me she will not be looking at reconcilliation. She wants to get on with her life.

As far as a plan goes I admit I am feeling very discouraged as my strategy has not born any fruit at this time. I think I have realized that our relationship is dying. She wants out and has for some time. I just heard from a friend of mine that she had confessed to his wife when they were over for a visit 5 years ago that she was not happy, our relationship was on the rocks and she didn't think we were going to make it. So she has been planning this for a long time. I think the trigger was I just retired and perhaps the prospect of me being around more was the straw that broke the camels back.

According to my lawyer, I can fight this but if she wants to separate the only thing that will happen is we can go broke paying lawyer bills. She will still get the separation.

I know and appreciate what the objective of this forum is. I am thankful for your kind words and kicks in the pants. I also have to weigh out the emotional and other costs. I have lost my respect for her. I used to trust her, but as you know WW lie, and I no longer trust her. For me trust is a VERY big deal, that is becoming a deal breaker for me. I see how easily she decieves now, I see how she manipulates. I don't really think I know this person. She is kicking me to the curb and I got the message.

As far as a plan goes you are right. As of right now I don't have one. I am emotionally and physically drained. Sorry to say butI have run out of ideas. As I have stated it is easier to see a way through someone elses problems than it is my own.

As you have stated I am dealing with a drunk, and that drunk will not listen to anyone. So then what?

Do I start being a hardnose. Cut her off from any financial support. Freeze her out? She already thinks I am controlling. Is it time to start playing hardball? I have been very nice to her, helpful, cooperative, caring. Am I being foolish? I am starting to get very hurt by her over this and I do not want to be taken advantage of.

Good, I am glad to hear that you do not want to be taken advantage of. Even if a separation takes place, stay with this forum. You can still get a lot of support here. Plan A is an effort to make you the best person you can be, a person you are glad to be. It is worth the effort in that regard. I am sorry to hear that you feel so down. Continue Plan A for you. Others will have more to say to you.

BC,

I'm sorry that you are still in this position. I am so not the expert, but it sounds like you are drained and she is h3ll bent on the separation. Maybe it is time for Plan B. Dr. Harley says that when you can't do it anymore, Plan B is the next step.
Trust me, I've been where you are. I did Plan A for far too long I believe, and allowed my WH to talk all over me. Sometimes they need to actually live with OP to find out that it isn't really the match made in heaven that they thought it was......

Anyway, let the experts advise you. And remember, this isn't something that is going to turn around overnight. Sounds like you are expecting faster results. Unfortunately this is a long process that we go through.

BC Boy. I have just finished reading your thread. I rarely post to MB now. But, as you can see, I have been around quite a while.

Mel is giving you great advice. She helped me for a very long time. Hi, Mel!

I am in BC myself. and, after years of trying to work things out with lawyers, watching my legal bills pile up to over 33K, I fired my lawyer. I represented myself in Supreme Court in Victoria. I live on the Mainland.

I did very well, if I do say so myself. The court clerk suggested I apply for a job.:) So, I would consider myself somewhat of an "expert" on federal and family law wth regards to adultery, finances and the whole process.

The point of this being, I would be very happy to help you. There are a couple of things I noticed in your posts that suggest that you could be setting yourself up for a big shock if you do not take care of your financial assets.

I dealt with one of the worst serial cheaters for a very long time. The depths of his lying and cruelty still astounds me. But, as you can see by my screen name, I am well, ummmmmm feisty!

I will be happy to give you some suggestions on steps you need to take here in BC.

This is what ALL affairees say. They say they have been out of love for years. This is called FOGBABBLE.

But I have already told you this. Many times. And that is all anyone here can do.

my H just told me he really did not love me for a long time. this is not true, till a few months ago he used to tell me he loved me.

This is what ALL affairees say. They say they have been out of love for years. This is called FOGBABBLE.
I understand that it IS fogbabble, because its been repeated in just about EVERY SINGLE INSTANCE of adultry. But, is it always necessarily NOT TRUE? My wife has said it to me. EVERYTHING indicates that she REALLY feels that way. Is FOGBABBLE STRICTLY a term used with an affair only?? Thanks.