yes, ((((2b1again)))) is what i absolutely want..... i'm just not sure that's what he really wants. at least you made me chuckle with the duct tape idea....but i do like it... (jk) i really don't want to hurt her in any way, but i do want her out of our lives forever!!!

my H does seem to be taking steps to get through this, but that's all they are steps to keep him from being in contact......what is he doing for me????!!!! yes, taking those steps are for both of us, but when he continues to reject me and ignore (which he's back to doing now especially during the day) it makes me wonder..... and like i said last night in my post, it makes me think there has been contact. i don't think there has been but he has lied to me so much in the past. and how does he expect me to really trust him when he acts this way and gets my suspicion up.....ha, suspicion, i hate that word.....it was one of her songs for him..... ug!

i do try to work as a team with him, reaching out to him, taking care of him, etc.....HE'S the one not working with me......VERY LITTLE if any at all..... yes, we are both hurting but why am i able to suck it up more than him?? he should be the one taking care of me!!!!

i deleted what i originally has typed here about my H.....it wasn't nice...

i do try to give him every benefit of the doubt and when i see him hurting i just melt...it makes me so sad to see him hurting so much - - and that makes me sick because it's her he's hurting for....not me!!

i promise i will hang in there and give it my all-----even when it just seems impossible to do.......even if he continues to reject me....... i hate this road we're on!!!!

i wish i could be sure he wanted the same thing i do....i'm not sure anymore... i told my friend last night that my H encouraged me to go ahead and join the gym (different than the one he goes to) that my first thought when he said that was he wants me to join the gym because he wants me to get some of my confidence back because he's gonna be leaving me anyway, and i'll need it to land myself another fine gentleman....well, my H was that once....i'm not sure i would want another man......but i know God could provide one..... :-( why would i think he's gonna leave me??? well, i'm beginning to think it more especially since last week.

i don't know......i've gone through so many growing pains already in the last 15 months!!! i don't know how much more i can handle..... course, i never thought i could go through what i've gone through either.....

i'm praying for strength and peace.

ok everyone....not sure i just LB'd or not..... i emailed my 'DH' and asked if there has been any contact in any way, shape or form in the last week as he has changed and it reminds of january when contact had been broken (but he always told me it hadn't).

i told him i wanted total honesty in our relationship... i told him i am just filled with so much doubt again.....

i asked him if our songs still mean anything..... did he really want to be 'home'.... has he quit learning to bend...... and what about 'if love ever gave me a second chance'... i told him i am so giving him that... our other song is called 'everyday'... i asked him if we could go through 'everyday' together.....as a team....helping each other through this.....that i am here for him damn it!!

i told him i didn't know how to help him anymore when he continues to reject me...

i told him i was sorry, that it was probably a DJ...and when am i going to learn to keep my mouth shut.... i told him i was laying him at the foot of the cross (yet again) and that i think i keep taking him back and trying to 'fix him' myself.....and that's it.....i know 'i' can't fix him.

in a nutshell i told him that what i was trying to say is that i'm here for him if he needs me or wants me......and that if he doesn't.....well......i know what then.....

i love him so much it hurts!!!!

i'm thinking i shouldn't have emailed him, but too late now.....i already did..... i just know i'm gonna screw things up more than i already have..... i know, i know, it's not my fault but i did help send him there i guess........

well, i need to get my daughter from work pretty soon... my work isn't finished and i have dinner to fix. it never ends.....

well, he only took time to respond to my first and main question to him......he said there has been no contact.... i believe him...

i've made him upset with me and he'll probably ignore me this evening.....i will press on i guess and take what comes my way... and feel lucky if i get any kind of response from him....

sorry......the more i feel i'm losing him.....the tighter i want to hang on.... we're supposed to go out of town again for labor day weekend but he probably won't want to go now..... i guess i'll expect that.... that way i won't be disappointed if we don't go.... and then if we do go....i'll be pleasantly surprised....

i need this merry-go-round to stop!! do i hold that key?....

I'm sure it's not much consolation at the moment, but you are SO early in your recovery. I am only a few months ahead of you and yet, it seems that the waves are subsiding more and more.

Hang in there. Look up the song "Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore"...maybe that can be your new theme song. For the longest time, mine went back and forth between "If You're Going Through Hell" and "Rocks in your Shoes." Maybe someday we'll both be singing "God Blessed the Broken Road."

MogiSola

wow! i sure was hoping we were farther along than 'so early' in recovery.... ug! i will press on for sure. the encouraging part is this.....like you said before.....if you can do it, i can do it! that was my thought when i was pregnant with our first child.....if so many women could give birth ahead of me.....then i could do it too - - even if it was going to hurt - - and it did! and so does this!

this is painful too and much longer than any childbirth pains i had, but you give me hope.... while i'm not excited about the months ahead of us, to know that we could potentially be that close is encouraging... but, i know it's different for everyone...man, i hope ours isn't one of the longer ones....

funny you should suggest that song "till we ain't strangers anymore". someone suggested that song to my H last week or so and he found it on the internet...(maybe it was you posting to him??) it brought tears to my eyes then and i'm sure it will again..... how did we become such strangers anyway.....life, kids, work..... we let everything and everyone else become more important than the two that mattered the most....him and i! :-(

i will gladly sing the song 'God blessed the broken road' with you..... if you get there first, practice up....i'll hope to be there soon with you! :-) wish there was an easier and quicker fix to this....

thanks mogi for your thoughts today.... hangin on....

I don't know if I'll be there before you. I keep thinking in my head that at least I didn't have to deal with my H going through withdrawals (but that's denial...as everyone here says that he is in withdrawals right now or in contact again ).

I've actually resorted to going undercover here and spying on my H at home. I feel physically ill with what I have been reduced to. I just keep trying to remember that it is a war against evil and I will not let my family succumb to it.

We can cling to each other through this stuff. That light is STILL there at the end of the tunnel and I agree...the train has got to be behind us (and her name is OW).

MogiSola

well, if i get there first, i'll practice up....i'm alto so i'll sing the harmony. :-) i, too, am afraid of what i might be reduced to in order to get through this.... and yet, there are testimonies of those coming through it...and it being better than ever... aren't you just waiting for that! :-)

i hope the 'train' is behind us as well...... like everyone keeps saying, every day there is NC, we're better off...... hallelujah! i count my blessings every day!

i am of the same opinion with the evil one.. he has his claws in our family too and the bindings are on my H!! i continue to pray he will be set free....

i don't know if you were referring to clinging to me or your H to get through this, but even if you were referring to him, we (everyone here) can help each other - - -this is why i continually say thank you, thank you, thank you to those on this website helping me get through this groosum ordeal...

we have to stand in the gap for our men! i will not lose mine to the devil!!! or anyone else for that matter....

and about that train....i was thinking the train was behind us too, but i was thinking more along the lines of the OW being under that train..... (jk, jk).....

MS,

What if you aren't reduced at all? What if you're stepping up, standing up straight...for yourself and your marriage?

If your FWH had cancer and you had to help him with all his bodily functions, would that reduce you in any way?

Focusing on you, not him...to know the truth is a blessing...to rely on your partner's truth as the truth is blind...

Your eyes are open. You're aware and ascertaining the truth. That's darn healthy boundaries, IMO.

Stepping up when it's easy isn't really stepping up, is it?

Stepping up when it's difficult is bravery in action.

And you know you're brave.

You are no longer choosing to be blind. You're not living in the shoulds and shouldn'ts...no reduction there that I can see.

LA

Thanks LA. You are right. I am choosing to protect my M from lies.

I just feel a bit creepy bugging my H's vehicle and listening in on his conversations, reading through his emails and texts every day, checking his browser history, and all the rest.

BTW...I wrote the letter to OWH, put it in an envelope, had the opportunity to take it to the post office to send it registered mail, and I chickened out. Bad...bad...it's still sitting here in the office.

Sorry 2b1, don't mean to T/J.

MS

my H just got home.... seemed kind of awkward at the door when he came in. i stood there and waited for a kiss - - not sure if i should hug him or not too, but after i gave him a kiss he reached out to give me a hug so i certainly hugged him back - - both arms around him! and kissed his chest....

brief conversation and then he changed and is laying on the love seat now... i think i'll go give him another kiss just so he knows i'm here.....certainly don't want him to forget me.... :-) and then i need to tend to my dinner.....might have burnt the meat.... lol

he must have made a 'deposit' with that kiss and hug cause i can certainly feel my heart perked up a bit.... we actually had a brief laugh together......

we'll see if we have any kind of conversation later together..... his only plans are to go to the gym tonight....his other plans got cancelled.

Speaking of songs - I have not focused on us songs as much, I feel like when I am low I need "me songs" before I can find peace in an us song. One song that seems to be working for me " Big girls dont cry" by Fergie

Try it out It reminds me to be centered in myself and find strenght within me before I look for exterrnal souces of strenght especaily when the external object is DH.

Regarding how to quote -
Ok here is how you quote :

type [quote] cut and paste the text from original posters post[/quote}

except see how I replaced the last ] with a } just so it would not work , if I replace the last } with a a ] , which is the correct way, then you would see it quoted in a box like the other posters do it.


Or here is another way , when you are typing your post do you see the quotaion marks above, click on them and then in between the "quotes" cut and paste the text you want quoted.

Hope I am making sense and it helps you.

P.S. I cut and pasted this from my post to your H and it worked for him so hopefully it will work for you too

Meanwhile how is your project work coming along? Time is ticking, due date is approaching LOL :MrEEk:

well, i don't have a lot of time to post today.....i'm behind in my transcribing (already!).

BUT, i do want to say my H is my genius! :-) i have always called him that especially when it comes to helping me with the computer...... we got a new computer a few weeks ago and we went from a pc to an apple....wasn't sure i'd like it but i love it. but, in Word there were some shortcuts and functions i had on the old computer that i didn't know how to get set up on the new one or where to look even....i tried though. anyway, last night he figured a couple things out for me that will make things a little easier. :-) so, i told him he is my genius and gave him a kiss....and i think a couple more....

our evening seemed to be good....i was surprised that he didn't ignore me actually. he did tell me he wasn't surprised at my questioning him yesterday on the contact, etc. and that he would let me know if it happened..... i hope it never does!!! but with his work email and phone being the only two EP left to be put in place....there's still room for that to happen. :-(

as far as this morning..... at first he didn't really seem interested in any back rub or any type of play, but i kept it up for a bit before i had to get up and get myself ready for work. after my shower i went over to wake him up (i do this a few times every morning until he gets up) by messaging his whole body to help wake him up.... well, he was either a little more interested (it's been since friday.....God knows i need it more than that....lol) but anyway, he proceeded to turn over and i played and massaged a few minutes..... he actually pulled me back in bed and in a few minutes time i got lucky..... :-) (i had to work fast cause the kids would be getting up very soon - - lol - - i wasn't sure i could work under pressure with no 'slow cooking' to warm things up a bit..... lol but lucky me, i did! ha ha ha (sorry for the details). anyway, you get the idea..... but, he was pretty much a rock with very little interaction......but, we got our need met even if it was disconnected.... my friend said to me, 'i don't know how he doesn't get into that and want to reciprocate'...... i said, 'well, it's not me he's in love with'... sad reality.

but, i'm pressing on....thankful for what i get (or got) and will look forward to the next time.... SF is actually his second EN and 'would love it if' we could have SF at least 3x a week... well, once a week right now is all we get if i'm lucky...sometimes he gets more. i'm thinking once he decides to really let me in, we could meet the 3x a week and then some......all he's gotta do is give the ok and and participate back....... it really can be great - - -and will be some day again....but until then, i'll just fantasize about it i guess.....and i'll work to keep that fantasy only with him.. i never really got in to thinking about someone else......why would i?....my H is the one i want(ed) to be with..... it will get better.... but, ya know, i was thinking today.....someday.....somebody is gonna want to be with me. yes, i hope it's my H, but somebody will want to care about me.... i told my H i have no desire to be with anyone else, nor do i look at anyone else and i pray no one looks at me....but, if he should decide he really can't stand to be with me, then i will then pray that God would send me a knight that's gonna truly fight for me.....

i told my H in an email earlier that i was going to cancel my walking date with my friend so that we could go for our own walk or have coffee or get an ice cream..... he said not to cancel that his friend cancelled on him and that he would just go to the gym and if we were both home by about 8 that we could still go for a walk or get an ice cream or coffee tonight. :-) made me smile to think he's willing to spend a little time with me.... i told him last night that we are hardly getting any of our 15 hours in and that it was going to be worse if i joined the gym with my friend cause we'd be going our separate ways.... he said we could go to the gym at the same time (even though it would be a different gym - - he said that even if we were at the same gym that it wouldn't count as part of the 15 hours cause we wouldn't be together - - - he told me prior that even if we went to the gym together that he wouldn't stick with me anyway.....to some degree I'm ok with that, i know we will be at different levels and be doing different exercises, etc., the reality is, i think what he was really telling me was that he didn't care if i was there or not....he was going to be doing his own thing and it didn't include me..... someday he might actually want to exercise with me...it could be fun ya know....he just doesn't see the possibilities - - even for sexual gestures during a work out that might get some different muscles ready...lol some day.......

well, he hasn't had much to say today.....i know he's been busy at work and in meetings......at least i know that so i'm not sitting thinking he's just totally ignoring me......

seems there is something else i wanted to say, but i can't think of it right now..... will post it later if i do think of it.... and maybe it will come to me as i respond to wannamoveforward....

i hope all is having a good (or decent) day.....

i think i've heard that song (big girls don't cry) but not sure.... i'll have to search it.. i agree about finding the inner strength before looking for the external source for strength instead of my DH who can't seem to look beyond himself right now... that's the one thing i worry about though.....selfishness is so ugly and i don't want to become so selfish in wanting just what i want but i understand finding my inner strength for myself.... does that make sense....am i talking in circles.... lol

and as far as music goes as a whole, i don't really listen to music very much any more.... i love music and i love to sing, but all the 'songs' has completely ruined it for me.....to think that he gave someone else something that should have been intended for me just breaks my heart! at work i listen to a classical station (no words) on the computer. if i listen to any music at all, it's usually a christian station, but even at that, i don't very often.... occasionally though, i'll flip on the country music to see if one of our songs is playing....occasionally one is and i love it when i can text him or email him and tell him 'our song' is playing....... but occasionally it slaps me in the face and one of theirs is playing....

i try to keep my main focus on God for most of my strength. and it's when i don't that i usually find myself beginning to sink a little....He always knows how to bring us back to him huh..... and boy does he ever have my attention now!!! my H knows his relationship with God isn't right right now but he can't seem to let Him in either..... i think cause he still feels guilty about hanging on to the OW ( ) and he knows that's wrong in God's sight..... it's a huge DJ for me to say anything of this sort to him because i'm coming off as high and mighty to him.... i'm not in any way, shape or form above him - - ever!!! i think his eyes are distorted right now cause he's still in the fog.....

anyway.... i'm doing ok today. i was very busy at work today.. the dr worked with me on this project that was to be due tomorrow, but lucky me, the acct got an extension until 11/15/08 to get it figured out now. so, i have more information to work with (and relief it's not due tomorrow) as i have a house to clean, shopping to do, and transcribing that will be left until monday as we are having a going away party for our daughter whom we will be taking to college next weekend.... sad time...

so, to answer your question, my 'project' is coming along, but now i have some relief in which to get it done... i'm thinking i should just scrap everything i've done and start completely over! ug..... we'll see..

interesting you posted to me about the quote thing today.... my H just showed me last night how to do it and he said you helped him..... the easiest way for me right now is to click the " above and copy and paste into it..... it was easy...

it worked.... :-) thanks.

well, gotta get our son from school...... talk to you later... did you get the rest of the walls painted?.....

good morning everyone....

i only have a few minutes and i have to stick to that.....i have a house to get cleaned (tomorrow is the party for our daughter who is leaving for college).. anyway, i only have a few hours to get a lot done cause i have to make sure i get my shower taken so i can meet my H for lunch> :-)

we had a good evening last night.... i went and walked with my friend (it was still 103 outside...). i was supposed to be home by about 8 but i didn't get home until about 8:40.... ug. my H was already home and showered from his trip to the gym. i had suggested we go somewhere (walk, coffee, ice cream) earlier in the day. when i got home i ate some dinner real quick.... i find it interesting that when he comes home he wants to be greeted within the first 10 seconds.....does that count for when 'I' get home too....i have to do all the greeting.... oh yeah, he's not excited to see me yet... but, i fully understand that he's the one that put that 'i'd love it if' - - not me... i'm always glad to see him though so i will continue to be the one to always go to him to give him a kiss.....hi or bye.... (i'm not really grumbling.....just observing).

well, i was quite surprised that my H came and peeked his head in while i was showering last night....this has been a no-no for him to see me naked or getting undressed since the A.....he couldn't possibly allow himself to get turned on now could he.... but, i guess he did a little.....he was a little frisky afterwards. i had a hard time believing that he was really wanting 'me'.....i had to keep putting those thoughts out of my mind and enjoy the touching i was receiving. i know it's something i have to get over especially if he decides it's really me he wants.... nonetheless, i was happy that he approached me and was the first to play a little himself.... :-)

we talked a bit in the backyard last night...it was good. we worked on trying to get more of our 15 hours scheduled.....that's huge at this point cause our paths just seem to be crossing anymore..... it was actually fun to try to figure out when and what to do this week.... we didn't get a lot scheduled but we did decide on more lunches together, our 3x of intimacy that he would like.... :-) and kind of how to infiltrate meeting those EN for each other....

my H seemed to be in a good frame of mind just since i got home last night....he was in the shower this morning when i left to take our son to school and he was gone when i got back. i will send him a quick email and then i need to get moving on getting the house picked up..... not a whole lot to do but some tidying up will make a difference. :-)

one question i have for someone out there...... my H mentioned last night about getting his resume together to put out for a new job.... he said he doesn't care where it would take us (and i don't think i care either - - as long as we're together) but i'm unsure about moving our son who just started high school.... and should i be moving away from all family, church, job, etc.... at this time...

i kind of wonder if he wants to move so he can just put the 'thoughts and feelings' of the OW on the back burner cause he won't have the triggers for him or memories of this town constantly bombarding him..... would he truly get through his withdrawal?..... will that allow him to really get over the OW and how great he thinks she is?..... i have told him i would go anywhere with him, but i'm a little afraid to be taken away from everything and to be with a man who can't decide that it's really me he wants to be with.... ??? any help on this???

i seem to be in a pretty upbeat mood this morning - - in spite of having to clean house... lol i will put some music on and keep my mind occupied...maybe the cleaning will go faster...... :-)

i still pray for strength and peace in all this. we seem to be on a good step today....but i know at any moment it could change!.... i pray constantly for my H. i hope he finds God again soon.....

I personally would not negotiate moving until your H has completed withdraws. And, IMVHO, He isn't there yet.

This is a big issue and deserves attention. You will want to bring this up at your next Coaching session w/ Jennifer. Great opportunity to POJA and practice some negotiation skills.

OW moved out of state, right? So your need to move is not that important as it relates to NC. It is more of a personal decision. I would not worry about HIS triggers nearly as much as YOURS.

Talk to Jennifer that's my best advise.

ok, thanks TST.... not sure if you're the one getting through to my H but he has slipped back for about a week but last night he was back again..... i know we'll continue to go through this until he's out of his fog completely.

i will talk to him again about this relocating.... i think he'll understand the need to wait until he's completely out of the withdrawals.....

thank you so much!!

Jeez
You do so many wonderfully romantic and sensitive things for your husband. This is so rare. ESPECIALLY after what he's done. I am one jealous dude right now. He is a lucky husband. Real lucky. I hope he "GETS IT".

PS: I know what you mean about music. I used to LOVE music, especially love songs (I know, not a guy thing) but I can't listen anymore, and if I catch my self humming, I feel kind of guilty or silly.

Great job with this, really.

hey gabagool....

all i want is for my H to 'get it'..... i feel rejected a lot, but with the advice of those on this site, the help of jennifer and the fact that i just plain love my H (even in spite of what he has done)....that's why i keep pressing on....

i asked my friend last night why aren't i angry.......why would i never wish this mess on anyone - - including OW.... yes, i make sarcastic remarks about her but i truly wouldn't want anyone to have to go down this horrible road we seem to be stuck on right now......it's so ugly!!

well, like i said yesterday, someday......somebody is going to care about me too whether that ends up being my H or someone else.... i am realizing i don't deserve any of this crap or the fog that he seems to be wallowing in.....but, i do know the real man he is....the man that loves his wife and family.....that man that loves God and will serve him again some day......the man i am in love with (except for the selfish man that he is now.....don't like that at all).... someday........ someday he'll be back. i pray God grants me strength, compassion, forgiveness and grace to get to the other side....

so, like i said....like you said..... i hope he 'GETS IT' too.....

as far as the music, i really clung to one particular christian group that i just love the harmony of the group, etc.... it's called Selah... they have a cd called Press On.... i sang and cried these songs so many times....but they really helped in my darkest days.... one other singer i really like these days is chris tomlin (another christian artist)....my favorite song he does is called Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)...neat song. it came on the radio once long ago (but within this A mess) and i told my H that some day i hope that that song would become his song....that he would accept God's amazing grace and that his chains would be gone..... someday they will be...

and i don't think it's not a guy thing to like music....especially love songs. it's romantic - - except when the songs that should be intended for your wife are shifted over to a OW slut that has ripped your family apart and 'he' can't see anything bad about her....

slowly we are getting a few new songs, but i look forward to the day we are completely out of this fog and i don't have to worry about my H being tormented by his foggy OW...... now i know why country music is so depressing really......it's all about sorrow and how everyone has had an affair and a divorce and torn apart families, etc.... i used to like the country love songs....not any more. but it does melt my heart every time my H finds one for us and plays it for me....

my H just wrote to me this morning and asked that i would pray he could give up the country music....that he uses it to 'live in' and it's really a pathetic way to live. i told him i have already been praying that for a long time (since the A). i told him in the past exactly what he has stated.....that he uses it to hold on to 'her'...... God knows the right time....it's hard to wait for it, but it will be perfect timing when it happens and he can be free from that too... i told him he took another baby step by even just telling me he struggles with it and by asking me to pray for him about it..... i am a huge believer in the power of prayer and God's almighty, powerful right hand to be holding us together and delivering us from this devil's hole we are stuck in.... it's a choice to get out.....i want out....my H is still stuck with those chains that has been placed on him... i pray he is set free soon.

thanks for the encouragement that i am doing right for my H and i guess that someone else (in the right context of course) might like it too someday if my H doesn't 'get it' .... i hope someday he will truly allow me to make him happy again..... i know i did before....i know i can again... (that's for my H)

tst,

i notice your recovery began 10/07.....you seem to be so much farther in just a short amount of time.....so wise i guess is what i'm really saying.... (it's hard not to compare my H with you....and i don't even know you!) please thank your W for me for allowing you to post not only to my H but to me as well....

i'm just wondering if when your recovery began, did you really want to be with your W at that point?.... i just don't know how much more of this i can take because I KNOW my H doesn't want me right now..... i mean, i 'think' he wants to be with me...it's just the withdrawal crap that leads me to believe otherwise... he's so damn selfish!!! he wants it all.... i sure feel used. :=(

sorry....just venting i guess in the midst of my question....