|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 333
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 333 |
Been debating something for awhile and thought I'd ask this.
My XW has been under so much stress lately that she has not been to work in like three weeks. I have no idea how she is going to pay rent and so it's likely that she will be evicted and naturally she will probably move in with OM3 (She cheated 3x)
The thought of our son having visitation at OM3's house is bringing out some of my own stress.
Been wondering if I should tell my son who OM3 is.
He worships his mother and I want my son to see her as much as possible I just don't want it happing at OM3's house.
FBH, 39
Now a primary custody dad
New life began June 2008
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288 |
I don't have kids, but I must ask...why do you let your son "worship" his mother under false pretences? I know that parents don't want to get into the tug-o-war with their kids, but shouldn't the kids be able to decide whether their parents are derserving of "worship" status?
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 744
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 744 |
Absolutely tell your son.
Your wife did you and him a TERRIBLE disservice and your son needs to know what the woman who bore him did.
I'm sorry for your pain in this.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 537
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 537 |
How old is the boy?
How long have you been divorced?
BH(me): 40ish
FWW:(ILMH) 28yo
DS 3yo
Married 7yrs
Together 10 yrs
??? Spring '07 - Adultery Begins
8/25/07 - 1st D-day (week of our anniv.)
8/07 thru 5/08 - About a dozen D-days/Gaslighting/Flaunting/Fake Recoveries
She finally quit on...
1/1/08 - First real NC attempt(Maybe?)
3/1/08 - Told me OM is an A**hole.(Hope?)
5/3/08 - D-day (Admitted to PA once)
5/4/08 - Latest D-day(Finally confessed to multiple EA/PA in our home)
5/8/08 - Present
Struggling to hold on
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858 |
How old is your son? I think he would need to be at age where he can really understand the situation. As well, he's going to pick up on things really quickly, even if he's young...he probably understands more then you think. I guess I would make sure your son knows that he can talk to you about anything that he's feeling.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I was introduced to my first OW when I was age 4. My father was a serial cheater who taught me from a young age that wrong was right. My instincts told me that something was WRONG but since no adult ever validated this, I concluded that I must be a stupid girl.
If adultery was acceptable to adults then it must be ME who had the problem, right? I grew up profoundly morally confused because of my mothers silence. I grew to doubt myself about everything because nothing made SENSE.
If you don't teach your kids right from wrong, your wayward spouse will teach them that wrong is right.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Some daddys took their little girls to the park. Mine took me to the Top Hat bar and to the bookies hut out at the lake. I knew how to baseball a trifecta by the time I was 10. When I was 14 he took us barhopping in Mexico and gave us each [my 13 yr old sister] a $50 spot and told us how to pay off the Mexicales if stopped for underage drinking.
Those are the kind of moral lessons taught by a wayward.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 333
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 333 |
he is eight years old and the young age is the reason why i haven't told him much yet
in a nutshell, we were married in 2000. she had affairs in 2002, 2004 and 2007. the divorce was finalized in june 2008.
my son saw OM3 once when we went to her house unannounced one day to pick up a video game
OM3 has been pressing her to introduce him as a boyfriend
i never bothered to learn much about OM3 also. after learning of his presence, i had no interest in saving the marriage so i didn't snoop. i don't know where he lives or even his last name for example to do background checks
the lawyer i spoke to about this said that unless he is a habitual criminal there isn't much i can do on the legal end to prevent the situation
FBH, 39
Now a primary custody dad
New life began June 2008
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 537
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 537 |
Good on you, Mel for not following in the family tradition. I'm sure it would have been easy to do so.
I'm proud of ya.
BH(me): 40ish
FWW:(ILMH) 28yo
DS 3yo
Married 7yrs
Together 10 yrs
??? Spring '07 - Adultery Begins
8/25/07 - 1st D-day (week of our anniv.)
8/07 thru 5/08 - About a dozen D-days/Gaslighting/Flaunting/Fake Recoveries
She finally quit on...
1/1/08 - First real NC attempt(Maybe?)
3/1/08 - Told me OM is an A**hole.(Hope?)
5/3/08 - D-day (Admitted to PA once)
5/4/08 - Latest D-day(Finally confessed to multiple EA/PA in our home)
5/8/08 - Present
Struggling to hold on
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 858 |
Since he is 8, and because it's been 3 times, I think you need to tell your son. He will understand. Besides, I get the feeling your XW will tell him that you had a lot to blame in the divorce to alieve some of her guilt.
I also think you need to find out about this OM and where he lives. You have a right to know where your son is.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288 |
he is eight years old and the young age is the reason why i haven't told him much yet
in a nutshell, we were married in 2000. she had affairs in 2002, 2004 and 2007. the divorce was finalized in june 2008.
my son saw OM3 once when we went to her house unannounced one day to pick up a video game
OM3 has been pressing her to introduce him as a boyfriend
i never bothered to learn much about OM3 also. after learning of his presence, i had no interest in saving the marriage so i didn't snoop. i don't know where he lives or even his last name for example to do background checks
the lawyer i spoke to about this said that unless he is a habitual criminal there isn't much i can do on the legal end to prevent the situation I'm not too sure it's as much to do with OM as it is with XWW. Your son deserves to know that she isn't someone that he should be looking up to. You don't have to go out of your way to make her look bad, causing uneeded pressure on your son...but, he is old enough to know...and draw his own conclusion on her. JMO
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
The thought of our son having visitation at OM3's house is bringing out some of my own stress.
Been wondering if I should tell my son who OM3 is.
He worships his mother and I want my son to see her as much as possible I just don't want it happing at OM3's house. He is around 8 yrs old, right? IMO, He should already have been told the truth! Now he is being faced with intro to OM and will learn the spin every one else tells him instead of the truth, unless you get on the ball! This isn't about your wife or OM, it's about being honest with your son and having a relationship with him that is grounded in truth!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 537
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 537 |
he is eight years old and the young age is the reason why i haven't told him much yet
in a nutshell, we were married in 2000. she had affairs in 2002, 2004 and 2007. the divorce was finalized in june 2008. I'd be willing to bet he knows much more than you might imagine. He's been living with a wayward mom basically his whole life. Better that you take an opportunity to explain the truth to him before "she" gets a chance. Simply having to defend yourself against far fetched claims only gives them credibility. Be strong, brother!
BH(me): 40ish
FWW:(ILMH) 28yo
DS 3yo
Married 7yrs
Together 10 yrs
??? Spring '07 - Adultery Begins
8/25/07 - 1st D-day (week of our anniv.)
8/07 thru 5/08 - About a dozen D-days/Gaslighting/Flaunting/Fake Recoveries
She finally quit on...
1/1/08 - First real NC attempt(Maybe?)
3/1/08 - Told me OM is an A**hole.(Hope?)
5/3/08 - D-day (Admitted to PA once)
5/4/08 - Latest D-day(Finally confessed to multiple EA/PA in our home)
5/8/08 - Present
Struggling to hold on
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531 |
Your son should also know the reason for the breakdown of his family was adultery. Children instinctively blame themselves and he's likely carrying around a lot of guilt as a result. It's not enough to simply say "it's not your fault", they have to be able to rationalize exactly why that is. Something like "Because Mommy had a boyfriend, we can't be married anymore."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 537
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 537 |
This isn't about your wife or OM, it's about being honest with your son and having a relationship with him that is grounded in truth! WORD!!!
BH(me): 40ish
FWW:(ILMH) 28yo
DS 3yo
Married 7yrs
Together 10 yrs
??? Spring '07 - Adultery Begins
8/25/07 - 1st D-day (week of our anniv.)
8/07 thru 5/08 - About a dozen D-days/Gaslighting/Flaunting/Fake Recoveries
She finally quit on...
1/1/08 - First real NC attempt(Maybe?)
3/1/08 - Told me OM is an A**hole.(Hope?)
5/3/08 - D-day (Admitted to PA once)
5/4/08 - Latest D-day(Finally confessed to multiple EA/PA in our home)
5/8/08 - Present
Struggling to hold on
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 333
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 333 |
ya know... in florida it's a requirement to take a parenting class prior to a divorce
the class strongly suggests not bad mouthing the other parent no matter what happened
but y'all are 100% behind me telling my son
maybe i should take him to the park and have a father son talk
i do understand that i have a right to know who OM3 is if my son gets close to going there. but so far i am getting stonewalled by XW who says that she is going to stay in her apartment so i don't need to know about OM3. she says she has no plans to let OM3 play stepdaddy
i don't believe her of course
FBH, 39
Now a primary custody dad
New life began June 2008
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871 |
Yes, tell him. No badmouthing necessary, just the facts.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531 |
Telling your son the truth is not badmouthing her.
It can also be an opportunity to explain a lot of the ways of the real world to him. Tell him just because his mother did this, doesn't mean he can't still love her. It's also ok to be angry with her. Anger doesn't mean lack of love - in actually it can mean presence of love. It's mature stuff for sure but honestly, they can and do understand it.
Now if you told him "We brok up because she was a no good, lyin', cheatin' wh***!", then that would be badmouthing her. Just choose your words.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146 |
the class strongly suggests not bad mouthing the other parent no matter what happened Just the truth in love, no bad mouthing is necessary. However, DO NOT dress up your words for ex-w to look good! she says she has no plans to let OM3 play stepdaddy
i don't believe her of course I hope not!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 744
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 744 |
And don't worry about USING him. The only one doing that is your XW. By introducing your son to her, yet ANOTHER OM, in HER MIND, it gives her affairs a touch of normalcy, of them just being a GROWTH PROCESS, and that THIS relationship with OM3 is as VALID as the one she had with you.
The use is on HER.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
434
guests, and
88
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,040
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
