I just learned 2 months ago that my husband of 25 years was having an affair with a 26 y.o. I kept "catching" him on the phone multiple times and he would always lie about who he was talking to. I finally confronted him about his lies and he confessed to having the affair but insisted he didn't love her. He says he doesn't know why he did it. I also got copies of his cell phone bills for those 2 months and he was obsessed with calling her - sometimes as many as 12-14 times in one day. The phone bills really told me a story as well. I could tell when he was with her because there was extended times when he made no phone calls.

I'm having trouble forgetting about those phone calls and the amount of time he spent with her while I was still at work or home cleaning house or running errands to keep our home going. He says he loves me and and wants us to work things out and stay together...I want this too but I'm having a difficult time with obsessing about what he's done and continue to have images rolling around in my brain of the 2 of them having sex.

Does anyone have advice on how to control the images and obsessive thinking about the affair? I'm at wits end and I'm afraid if I keep bringing up the affair, he'll get tired of trying to work things out because I can't seem to forget what he did.

Did he admit to a PA?

Has he committed to NC with OW...for life?

Hi Falling,

I am so sorry for the reason that you find yourself here but you will find much good advice and support. I clearly remember the images two months out . I was not even past the throwing up stage by then.

Have you read all of the articles here? have you read or ordered the books? Has your WH sent a NC (no contact) letter. If your WH is truly repentant and wants the M to work, he will be willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help you to heal. Do not be too hasty to forgive and do not set the bar too low. Think long and hard about your own personal boundaries. Whar are your requirements for recovery of your M?

The A was his decision but you drive the recovery bus. Keep posting. We have all been there done that and I am sure that the long timers will be along soon to offer their help. We do care.

God's Blessings,

Say

Falling,

You will never forget what he did but with the help of MB, you and your WH can make changes in your marriage. Positive thoughts and loving feelings in your marriage will take the edge off of the bad images but it does take a long time. He can't expect you to "get over it." It ain't gonna happen.

God's Blessings,

Say

falling,

"Does anyone have advice on how to control the images and obsessive thinking about the affair?"

Put a rubber band around your wrist and every time you find yourself obsessing, snap the rubber band. If the wrist gets too bloody, change wrists.

Visualize a large stop sign in your mind, when the movies start rolling, slide the STOP sign in front of the pictures.

Stay busy, if you are not busy, work out.

As time goes by, the movies will get fuzzier. It's just been 2 months since D-day, those movies are in HD right now.

Anti-depressants are helpful, if you wish to go that way. They also help get you through the day.

CAN ANYONE ELSE COME UP WITH SOME MORE?

We should make a link to this. This question is asked almost weekly.

kirk

I don't think you understand the gravity of what has happened to you. Adultery is as traumatic as the death of a child, a rape or physical abuse. Would you ever dream of telling a rape victim she should "get over it" 2 months later?

Adultery is one of the worst things that will ever happen in your life. You are SUPPOSED to be obsessed with it. You are SUPPOSED to bring it up over and over again. You are not going to get over it any time soon if you are a normal, healthy person who goes through a healthy grieving. You are looking at 12-24 months.

Please take a look at this video by Dr. Willard Harley, a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience specializing in adultery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Has your H ended all contact with the OW? HAve you identified the problem that made him vulnerable to an affair? Because unless this happens, it will likely happen again:

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=147963&Number=2002600#Post2002600

Is the OW married?

I’m at 4 months and the thoughts are finally starting to fade and I don’t think about them near as much. I too talked about the A all the time w/ my WW and it bothered her so much to talk about it. For me, I had a RA and it temporarily relieved the thoughts for about three weeks while the A went on. I had basically moved on to the new person so it didn’t bother me much at all. Once WW/BW talked(ordered) me back home, the thoughts and hurt began coming back. The thing to remember is odds are great that the OP was nothing compared to you. I took my WW on a trip, spun her out of control, and made her regret ever thinking of anyone but me. I also just moved to my own apt real close to the house just recently.(very risky and the MC was much against it) This has reduced the images mightily as the main trigger(WW) is not there w/ me. I still spend plenty of time talking to her on the phone and visiting/dating. This risk is you could fall out of love completely, but for me I had to stop the obsessive thoughts or our marriage wouldn’t have made it. Worse, I might have even slipped into depression or something. Now, if I start feeling like I’m going to get upset/regress, I head on home to my apt, or workout, or whatever and enjoy my time alone. I'm trying to recover completey in around six months. I've always been a cold person, if needed to protect myself. Didn't shed a tear when my fathered died when I was age 15. The best advice though is to KNOW that the OP does not even compare to you. Once you lock that in, the thoughts/images will recede and you can view it for what it was, a BIG Fn MISTAKE that really meant nothing.

krusht,
After all the important things that ML said for falling are done, this is a good list of things to do to stop from obsessing. And I think you are right about a link for it.

falling,
I hope that you are further along in your process than it seems so that you haven't been short changing yourself and beating yourself up. Read what MelodyLane has listed here for you and watch the video. If you are still fresh in all of this, please give yourself a break.

Glad you found MB!

falling, I just thought of another important issue. Has your H answered all your questions about the affair to your satisfaction? In order for you to even begin recovery, he has to a) end all contact with the OW and b) answer all your questions about the affair.

Have those things happened?

In response to some of your questions:

No, the OW is not married, doesn't work, and has 3 small children by 2 different men and her mother takes care of them. She's free to do whatever she wants, when she wants. She actually lived across the street from my husband's place of work and just "wandered" over one day and struck up a conversation and that's how the Affair started. According to my H, he felt sorry for her and after the relationship began, he felt like she needed him and he enjoyed the attention that she lavished upon him. Apparently, she has had a "difficult" life and needed someone to talk to who could sympathize and understand her emotional turmoils and my H was the person she chose to help her out (and he actually fell for it). He says he didn't feel like I loved him anymore and our relationship was just one of companionship. (So I'm assuming this is his reason for actually becoming involved with the OW).

H says that he has cut off all contact with her. He actually helped her move to another residence while he was seeing her so she's no longer across the street. I actually found out who she was and where she lived and drove by one day and actually saw her and she saw me. She called my H to ask if I drove a certain kind of car because she thought it was me that drove by. Since then, she has also moved from that residence and I have no idea where she is now. According to my H, he also has no idea where she moved and he has had no contact with her since she called him that day to ask what kind of car I drove. He has also changed his cell phone number and is not answering the phone at his place of business. He did that because I asked him to because de confessed that after the Affair ended and he changed his cell phone number, she called his place of work one afternoon and when he answered the phone, he told her he couldn't and wouldn't talk to her and then hung up.

When we've had conversations about some of the details of the affair and how it began, he won't look directly at me and says it's because he's so ashamed of how much he's hurt me. He still says he's not sure how he allowed himself to cross the line and have a physical and emotional relationship with another woman. Yet, he swears it will never happen again. I never thought it would happen the first time and yet it did so I can't accept that he tells me it won't happen again and that he's learned his lesson.

We're trying to create a more caring relationship with each other including more physical connectivity with one another. We're both in our 50's and I'm experiencing all those wonderful female body changes which doesn't help. I think maybe he did feel that I didn't love him because we really were not connecting physically. I'm also a very strong-willed and capable woman who can actually provide for myself financially should I need to and I think that's something that bothers him as well even though he says it doesn't. Maybe the OW made him feel more "manly" because she was so needy and put all her energy into him....not really sure. Says he liked the "attention" she showered on him.

I just can't seem to get over all the time and effort he spent talking to her on the phone (you should see the phone bills - it's unbelievable!) and the time he spent with her which he says was every day before coming home. Even on Saturday, he found ways to get away and be with her while I was at home cleaning and doing laundry and all the multitudes of things you do when you work all week. He can't explain to me why he couldn't open up and let me know how he was feeling -- yet he found time to spend with this 26 y.o. unmarried female and found time to spend 20 min, 49 min, 36 min, etc. talking to her on the phone....he says it was just "small talk" like when you first start a relationship and are trying to get to know each other. How am I supposed to accept that?? Plus I know he left home one Saturday morning at 6 am and went to her house and spent several hours having sex with her....images I can't seem to shake.

We're also seeing a marriage counselor once a week -- sometimes it helps, other times it doesn't because I just get so angry all over again.

Yea, she was needy all right. Needy because of the bad choices she has made in life. And husband was going to "Fix her" and "Rescue" her, both silly, prime, not gonna happen male emotions. If he realizes both of those truths, he will better deal with the why and how he failed to protect his weaknesses and what he has to do to fix HIM.

Larry

She attracted him because she looks up to him and made him feel like a MAN. That is an important thing to note, falling.

A couple of books that might be very beneficial would be Surviving an Affair and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. You can buy them cheap on this website.

Are y'all counseling TOGETHER? Because that is really not a good idea. Couples who counsel together often leave the session more angry than when they went in because of all the lovebusting that goes on. It causes more harm than good, in other words.

Yes, we are in counseling together. The point of the counseling is to help us learn to communicate openly and honestly and find a way to help us learn to find our way back to each other so we can rebuild a loving relationship. What we had was more like friends and room-mates and I seemed to be the housekeeper, banker, and all around maid.

Just before one of our sessions, I learned that he had called the OW when we were vacationing in Hawaii (to celebrate our 25th anniversary I might add!). Felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach all over again and went to the session still really angry. By the way, he didn't take his cell phone on the trip because "he didn't want his customers calling him while he was off the mainland". He used my cell phone to sneak in his calls to her while I was still alseep and then deleted the number from my phone.

Since he won't seem to tell me the story about his relationship, I've had to play Q&A sessions with him and keep tripping over more things along the way. Why can't the wandering husbands just open up and tell the story rather than leaving it up to you to ask?

I am sorry to hear that, falling, because that kind of counseling causes more problems that it resolves. The Harleys never do that. You are actually less likely to "communicate" after you have both been lovebusting each other in a counseling session. That causes WITHDRAWAL and anger and resentment. Couples in crisis leave counseling more angry than when they went in.

Couples know exactly how to communicate already. What they need to learn to do is fall in love again by AVOIDING LOVEBUSTERS and learning to meet each others needs.


What is the counselor doing to encourage your H to give you the full story?

Last week, the counselor instructed him to think about his affair and by the end of the weekend, he should tell me if there are any more facts that I might stumble across (like the phone calls from Hawaii) and come clean. She also instructed him to tell me the story of how and when the affair started and when, how, and who ended the affair.

What I already know is that I confronted him about the affair because of the many times I caught him on the phone and the lies I knew he was telling. That's what brought the whole affair out on the table....I didn't give him a choice about lying any longer. He called the OW in front of me and told her it was over. However, a few days after the call, I asked him to leave for a while because I just couldn't stomach looking at him for one more second. He did leave and then called her that same afternoon and every day after that for a week. He also confessed that he went to see her to end it but couldn't and still kept calling her. He didn't end it until he found out that she had another 24 y.o. that had taken his place rather suddenly (I found this out because I called her & she told me it was over & that she had a new someone in her life which I shared with my H). He called her & says she did tell him about the "new someone".

So, I'm feeling that the only reason the A is over is because she found herself another younger man so he decided to settle for our M since I seemed to want to work it out.

We did talk on Sunday evening but he still didn't really tell me the story....it wound up being another Q & A session and left him feeling guilty about what he's done. The only other thing that we've found out in these counseling sessions is that he is ADD.

FA, don't let this aspect worry you too much. In the end it doesn't really matter how you got the crack away from the crack head. What matters is that he stops using crack so he can withdraw and come back to his senses.