WW and I have been back under the same roof for 13 weeks now. But, she is madly madly in love with OM and refuses to cease contact with him despite having "promised" to do so twice. We live in Australia and OM lives in England.

This past weekend I discovered a bunch of "love emails" between them discussing plans for the future and her flying back to England, professing undying love etc and hit the roof. I now have the emails and WW is concerned I will show them to her family - I have already told her father (who lives with us) about them.

I have been in Plan A for 7 months and WW have been spending LOTS of time together but this ongoing contact is making it a very false recovery. She is not in love with me and keeps saying that I have to "stir her heart again" or "ignite her heart again". She seems to understand why no contact is important yet she can't stick to her goodbyes.

So, I feel that Plan B is the only way to go. I love her with all my heart and made some terrible mistakes in the marriage - was very neglectful and angry but for the past 7 months I have been used, deceived, lied to again and again and again.

She may fly back whether or not I go into Plan B so I feel utterly helpless. WW keeps saying that she "wants to be in love with me", that I am her "closest friend, companion and confidant" , that she would be "lost without me" and "it doesn't feel right" when I am not around and that a part of herself is missing. We also have SF 4 times per week or so.

What is Plan B like? I assume it is excruciatingly painful to start with - how long does the really acute pain last? She has left OM twice to come back to me and I know from reading his emails that he is concerned it will happen again.

I would just love to get some perspective from people who have been there and done that with Plan B. I think my Plan A has been good - although WW says I have been a little cautious, otherwise I have been doing "everything right".

Thoughts? Would love to hear them.

GH31

I am not pro here but I have read a number of responses from those that are. If I understand what you are saying is you have not exposed as she is concerned you will show them to her family.

Then you need to expose to her family. But when you do brace yourself as she will not be a happy camper. You will have to take the high ground and tell her that she is the one who is attempting to carry on an affair in secret and it is wrong. You are wanting to work on your marriage, and you cannot while the OM is in the picture. Trust me I know, I have the OM in the picture and my WW is wanting to separate. As they have told me here many times the "AFFAIR FOG" clouds the judgement of the WW. One of the things that helps jar them out of the fog is having to deal with the exposure and embarassment of having to own up to her behaviour.

Not only should you expose to the family but also to friends that can influence her.

I am sorry you are having to go through this but yes this is part of the affair addiction. Like one of the posters here, Melody Lane (I recommend you search on her name and read her responses, she is good for giving one a good kick in the behind when you need it) that the WW in an affair are not in their right minds, they are falling down drunk / drugged with the intoxication of the affair.

Is she willing to go to marriage counselling?
Are you in Marriage Counselling?
What will happen to her father if she leaves?
What does her father think of this situation?
Does she respect her father and what he says?

Right now your biggest weapon is going to be exposure.
Also read up on posters like Melody Lane, believer, and Pepperband.

Good luck man. I fully sympathize with you as I am going through the same painful process and it is no picnic. Keep posting and reading it does help.

Plan B starts off feeling powerful (I did something for me!) Dwindles down to rather bad as WD kicks in, then slowly feels better.
However I agree with the other poster, you are not ready just yet. You need to expose. Exposure is your greatest tool. Yes she will be peeved, and yes she will get over it.
Exposure first, wait for the dust to settle, and see what happens from that point on, before making your plans.

Expose.

Exposure...

I have told her father about the emails and her sisters and brothers all know about the situation. She has very few friends apart from me, so exposure to friends would not be worthwhile. W knows that I sent a copy of them to myself.

All of her family thoroughly disapprove of what she is doing and her father cannot believe that I am hanging in there.

W looked at OM's Flickr account yesterday and was upset that he has removed her pictures and contact details from it. She hasn't heard from him in twelve days either.

Last time I did a Plan B but I didn't know it was a Plan B at the time. I flew back to Australia in May because I couldn't take the chaos of WW and did not initiate any contact with W - she flew back herself about 2.5 weeks later. But this time I would change all my phone numbers and deactivate all of my email accounts.

That's where I am at currently I guess. It's very tough to deal with an A isn't it??

Because of an odd opportunity I got to expose to alot of people I didnt even know.
Friends, family, work mates, aquaintance, poeple who know something but not the full story, OW family.
All that exposure had a huge impact. Alot of it had no effect at all, but you dont know where it is going to help best. You dont know who is going to help your cause.

The alternative is do a 180 and tell she shes in or she out, make her mind up and stick with it, you wont muck around anymore.

Something is missing from this picture. I can understand why you are upset as this is definately erratic behaviour.

Has your wife ever been tested for a personality disorder? This behaviour sure sounds like it could fit.

Very hard to live with. Look up borderline personality disorder on line and see if any of the symptoms fit.

Good luck

Hi BCBoy,

Prior to my bad behaviour late last year and this A, she was very much the loving and adoring wife. She has always been extremely private and had very few friends but hasn't done anything too extreme in the entire time I have known her.

Maybe I am blind to her because we have been very much in love for most of our time together.

GH31

I never did either plans only because the A of my FWH was so long ago it was just a call to rebuild what we were already working on.

Anyways, both LD and BCboy have said some great things. Before even apporaching the plan you need to do a FULL exposure not just to dad. You said something that shes afraid that you will tell. Well ummm welcome to the real world because YOU need to TELL. Till then it is FALSE recovery because she will not openly and honestly do a NC to work on the M...

Hi Pretty Face,

WW's sisters know all about her vacillation and I have told her brothers also. Her father also knows about the emails I discovered - and WW knows that I have told him.

Strangely, I haven't copped a load of anger and venom from her other than the character assassinating potshots that she likes to take at me e.g. "you never...." "you always..." "you're a fool" etc. She doesn't like that I have told her father though saying that it's "our business" and "our problem" and that "OM is very private to me".

Yesterday she said she was in "mourning" and she has arranged some job interviews in Sydney for next week. Well, not sure what is going on here; she seems lost, bewildered and confused. OM has removed the pictures of WW from his Flickr profile, his email ID and he has removed WW as a contact also. WW was upset about this and asked if I had emailed or called him like I threatened to do if there was any more Skyping/IMing.

I have had the week off work this week and WW and I have been spending hours together - had SF yesterday afternoon just like every day this week. Not sure what has happened to my darling wife!