Last week we were watching our favourite programme on television. It's an English programme so the title will mean nothing to Americans.

Anyway, one of the main characters was caught in an A. The wife and the OW met in front of him and both decided they didn't want the main character.

I was cringing but my H was making conversational remarks. The first was "I don't know why he's upset, now he can have the pretty one (the OW)."

Then he said "I don't think the OW would act like that. I don't think people in A's act like that."

It was as though my A had never happened. It was really weird. He's not in denial, he knows what happened, he knows what happened to us.

Does this mean he really doesn't relate A's to "us" any more? I really was at a loss to work out where he was coming from. I didn't say anything but I was completely nonplussed.

That's what "recovered" sounds like.

And, no, they don't "relate" to who the two of you are TODAY.

It's an acknowledgment that "feelings" really do go much deeper than "skin deep," especially when you have "gone through" the fire and found what IS "more important."

God bless.

I think that's wonderful. A heavy silence falls upon the room whenever adultery is on the TV in our house. Luckily, the Olympic games are dominating our viewing at the moment.

Sounds like denial to me. While he gets it intellectually, he seems to have a disconnect of it emotionally.


It didn't HAPPEN to YOU Kiwi...you did it to him. I don't mean to be harsh by saying that...just pointing out that the way you say this it appears as though some accident or event perpetrated by an outsider occurred.

Your affairS have normalized the idea of affairs to him in some ways...and if I were in your shoes, I would wonder if that could lead to disaster down the road.

IMHO, this is how it SHOULD be. Evil should be turnded be uncomfortable and turned from.

I remember a couple of years ago on EastEnders (Squid loves soaps) there was a story with an adultery storyline in it.

Kat Slater had a monologue that went " you can play at affairs. You can talk or kiss or write poetry and dream your dreams together. That alone can kill a heart. But when you let another woman's man inside of you, that is the killer. A line is crossed that can never be uncrossed...." etc.

Squid and I watched in awkward silence. It got too hard for me so I quietly got up and left to the other room.

Squid followed me in after a few minutes and put her arm around me " you OK, baby ?" she asked awkwardly.

She cared. That was like winning the lottery for me.

Some more of that would be nice.

In any case Jen I wouldn't assume there is no hurt in Rob over your affair. Do all you can to make each other happy, live in the happiness you both achieve each day but never dismiss the consequences of the affair as "over".

Thats the best any of us have I reckon.

I wouldn't read too much into it. First of all your watching television. I'm assuming some kind of drama based on the info. He's probably just speaking to the truth.

1. Cheater H can now have what he wants.
2. People in affairs don't act like that. (OW would likely jump at the chance to have her affair partner all to herself.)

The fact that he made comment about it at all (to me) means that he is still trying to wrap his head around the workings of affairs.


It might do your recovery well to talk about it with your H rather than remain silent and hope the elephant leaves the room.

WOW.

I completely agree with MEDC and BA109.

I can't believe the river of denial runs so deep.

Which is how 2nd & 3rd affairs happen. Just look at what MIM is going through.

Bingo!

From my own experience, I was recently thinking about something I'd read or heard in the news or whatever. It involved someone having an A. I distinctly remember thinking to myself "Wow, I'm so glad I'm married to DH. He would NEVER.... Oh. Wait. Wow, I can't believe I'm so over that!"

Just as WH was *not* my DH, my current DH is *not* the WH that caused me so much angst several years ago. That's ancient history and doesn't really enter into my current reality.

DH and I aren't in denial. We occasionally discuss relationships and how they're handled well or poorly. We're now much better at communicating our ENs and giving feedback on how those ENs are being met. We actively nurture our M and we appreciate it greatly for the magical wonderful blessing it is.

So in your situation it could be denial, or it could be that "That's TV, not (our) real life." Ask him.

The comment was a warning.

Period.

Jen,

I think he KNOWS how affairs work and has a pretty good idea how the wayward person acts. Further, he knows what the BS feels. He is commenting on the lack of "reality" in this show. I will say that recovery is about the feelings detaching from the memories. It does happen with time. That is really recovery, and it is NOT denial.

I remember tearing up knees, breaking assorted bones, and even playing sports in those conditions. The pain was horrible, I remember I was in pain, but I don't feel the pain when I remember. I remember losing close family members, I remember deep sadness, and the feelings associated, but I don't feel that sadness today. I remember my fiance cheating on me. I remember the pain I was in, but I don't feel that pain some 40 years later.

I am not in denial. I remember the events clearly. I remember I was in deep pain. I just don't feel the pain now. That is one of the great things about the human mind.

I am sure your H remembers everything you did and said. I am sure he could tell you chapter and verse how he felt at the time. But, does he feel the same now? I don't think so.

You could ask him you know? It might help you and it might help him.

God Bless,

JL

That is it in a nutshell, JL. It's a new thing with him. He used to leave the room or turn over the channel. To me, despite what my usual detractors say, it is a good thing.

It was so conversational. He certainly is NOT in denial. It was NOT a warning - good grief. :RollieEyes:

I don't know why I mentioned it on here really. It was just funny (not ha ha) how he was so matter of fact about the events on the screen.

We celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary on Saturday. We are even at the stage where he makes jokes like he'd have got less time if he'd murdered someone.

Yup, JL had a great analogy.

Eventually the pain and the A become part of your "former" life and they're no longer part of your "current" life.

Sure, the experience contributes to who you are today - just like spending four years at college might, or being in the service, or living abroad. But after enough time passes, those things no longer define the current you or impact your immediate perspective on a situation.

I too liked how JL explained this Jen...

I do think this needs communication though...I always find it odd that couples that have been through something as traumatic as adultery together and have chosen to recover can't talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with each other...

I seriously cannot imagine there being some ominous silence falling over the room when adultery happens on t.v. Mr. W and I ALWAYS talk about it...Neither one of us are able to turn off what we call our "MB Filter", nor would we wish to...

A few weeks ago we had the unfortunate experience of attending a wedding and being seated at a table with a couple in an affair marriage...Both of us were shocked and sickened that the two of them were so openly celebrating their adultery! We kept asking about their BSs...Naturally they were none too excited to talk about that and kept brushing us off...We both were on the same team in how we viewed it and how we talked about it...And talk about it we did, both to each other and to others there...

Please don't take this as a knock Jen, but I'm even surprised to see a post about this...Why? Because I wouldn't have had to post about it. Right then and there I would have asked Mr. W what he meant and all would have been laid bare...

Anyway, my point is, TALK ABOUT IT girly! IMO, sweeping things under the rug never results in anything positive...

Mrs. W