I don't want to go into details on the affair because they are on another post but basically we are still in Plan A and still working on getting my WH to discontinue all contact with the OW. He has told her 2x in front of me to stop calling him and that he wanst to work on the marriage. With good reason I question whether he is "over her" and I'm sure we will have to deal with her trying to contact him again. Of course I don't trust him yet and I'm constantly watching all his emails and incomeing calls as much as I can.
He is on a business trip for 1 week. I was originally going to take a trip to San Diego with a friend this weekend but it's cancelled. I'm thinking about not telling him. He took a cab from his work to the airport (instead of haing me drive him). He said that way he can drive himself home since I wasn't going to be here to pick him up. I asked him if he got a cab reciept (like I asked him to) for the first trip. He said he forgot. I just wanted to make sure he didn't have "anyone else" give him a ride from work. Now that I'm going to be here, do I lie and say I'm still going and then see if he gets a ride from anyone? I was thinking about going to see if his truck is even parked at work and then waiting there when his plane lands and see if he gets into a cab. This might be hard to pull off since I assume he will call me and want to talk to the kids etc. I could take it further and be gone the whole weekend yet spy on him. It's a good thought but I don't know that I could pull off lying to him. I'm just not a good liar and I don't like to lie. I know in a way doing all that would be entrapment but how else do I know what he's up to? Is it wrong to go that far to spy on him?

Veg,

"I know in a way doing all that would be entrapment but how else do I know what he's up to? Is it wrong to go that far to spy on him?"

ENTRAPMENT??!!
As our gov. would say "HAHAHAHA" "Dahts ah goot won"

It is NOT wrong to SPY. Doesn't matter how far one must go. You are protecting yourself and your family.

If he shows up tell him you just wanted to surprise him!!

SURPRISE!!

Plus it is cheaper than hiring a PI.

kirk

VM36,
Im really sorry that sometimes we have to end up doing things that are out of character but..
I think you have to do what need to be done. If it can help to put your mind at ease or catch him in the act do it....I would have done it...

All the best...

Your H has had 3 affairs, and is still active in this affair, do you really want to continue in this marriage?

What is keeping you in this marriage?

Firstly, my children. They are the only reason I have made the effort in this way. Otherise I would legally separate or condider divorce.


He says he's has not contacted her, only she has been calling him. Obviously I can't be sure.

Veg,

""e says he's has not contacted her, only she has been calling him. Obviously I can't be sure.""

He does not have to answer. Can't he block the #?

Is he telling you she called or are you discovering that she called?

kirk

He is telling me. I have told him to inform me. I told him to answer the time she called while I was right there and it rang. He said "it's her". I said to answer it. He did and told her to stop calling in from of me. She called once afer that that I know of.

Why haven't you changed his cell phone number yet???

Not if you want to save your marriage. You need to get serious about this if you want to save your marriage. Spy, change your cell numbers, etc. Follow the advise on here. It may sound extreme, but your situation is extreme.

He is still seeing her. He is a lier.

Why do you want a three time cheater like your husband to act as a father to your children even if he is the bio dad?

What are you thinking keeping this man around,, go to plan B!

it sounds like most likely he got a ride to the airport from another coworker (probably the OW)

I would cut it off even higher and ask or find out what plane he will be coming home on and meet him at the terminal, make it some kind of gesture, but don't be the first one at the gate, stand back a bit a wait for him. It's very likely that she will be on the plane with him or waiting there for him too. If that's the case then you have more than enough to know what steps to take next.

obviously this guy won't give up the OW, so you have some hard decisions to make. You have big ammunition with the kids. Would his behavior change if he thought he might lose them?

VegMom,

I told you in Recovery and I'm going to tell you here that if you don't mommy up for your kids, you're headed for some OCs.

That VM that he said he kept from the OW tells me that she is DESPERATE to keep him. DESPERATE OW are how one ends up being someone's mommy that you didn't birth or count on (doesn't mean it's a nightmare...but still NOT the way to bring a kid into the world)...while OW gets to continue the drama for the rest of your lives or until one of you kicks it.

It also tells me that he needs a shove off that fence he's settin' on...cos MAN! The dayum thing is sproutin' out his throat he's been there so long!

You need a plan dear...and I don't think it's plan A.

Are you saying men like this never change? Once a cheater always a cheater? How do you know for sure. How will I know if or when he stopped lying and is serious?

I will certainly keep spying but it's controlling my life. I'm constantly searching his stuff like it's an obsession. I don't feel this is healthy either.

"How will I know if or when he stopped lying and is serious?"




"Maybe a troll can help!"

LOL

No. I'm saying YOU need to get a plan. You're sitting back on your tushie waiting till he mans up ain't gonna do it.

He will not change until YOU change your reaction to him.


When his lips quit moving and you see some ACTION.

HE has not done anything that you didn't MAKE him do...including calling the OW in front of you.

Do you honestly think that I didn't do the same thing to my husband?

The only thing that made him change was when I showed him the door and told him not to let it hit him in the hinder on the way out.

And Stella...got something to say? Say it. If'n the mods had trouble with my posts they'd have shown ME to the door...oh...around 4 years or so ago.

Changing the cell # won't work. I mean if he really wanted all he would have to do is give her the new number right? At some point you have to show trust but still snoop without being obvious. I think that's the only way I will catch him if he's really not going to change. Once he feels things have calmed down and things are comfortable he may slip up. He has before. He underestimates me.
Now that we are in some real therapy I'm hoping he will show positive change. That's all I can hope for.

Dea, you are famous around these parts! If I am too blatant, I will get slapped with a fine! LOL

All I can say is I reported over 10 people I think are trolls today. Maybe I am paranoid but i hate wasting time on people who are not real.

YOU ARE GOING ABOUT THIS THE WRONG WAY.

Geesh.

How is snooping ALL THE TIME working for ya?

Hummmm?

Let's see...

You've caught him countless times with your snooping.

Are you not getting this? He has.

He has NO retribution because when he gets caught, you get mad, you yell or whatever and NOTHING CHANGES.

You can bet the OW is getting this. She KNOWS all of this. Know what her next step is? She's gonna get preggers.

You need to mommy up or you're gonna have a tougher decision than you already do...whether to file for child support before the OW does.

I'm telling ya. BTDT got the tee shirt.

I made it clear that I won't tolerate another lie. If I show up at the airport or see him get in a car with her (OW) I will bring the camera and that will be my proof to toss his bum out. I don't think plan b would be worth it if I was him doing that. It would be plan D for divorce. I can't do this sh%t forever...the spying etc. It's draining and taking control over me.

It will, too...take control, that is.

It is totally NOT the way to handle this.

I'm all for snooping to gather info or snooping in recovery till you get your sea legs...

But you KNOW he is in contact with her...if he is in contact with her then he is still in ACTIVE adultry. Period.

You need to plan b in order to stop it. Not to kick him out just to kick him out.

Plan b is about protecting YOU and your kids from his CONTINUED infidelity...which he is...continuing, that is.