If I got to Plan B and he runs off to her I won't really know if because he won't be living here. He's not accountable if he's not home. At best I can track his phone records. I know her #.

If she is the one calling him only I will handle that. I have to know for sure though that she is still calling. If I see lots of phone activity back and forth when he says that there was none then I'll know.

Is this all worth it? Good question. I certainly think about that often. I know neither plan or route is going to be easy. A divorce is just as painful, especially to the kids. Some women on here say their WS has an A for quite some time before really ending all contact. Not that I want to go through that but I'm just saying it's obvious that people don't just quit. Just like alcoholics don't just quit cold turkey. It just not so easy. I think he's trying to get off the fence but it's hard when she's pulling im back.

Oh dear gosh...

Do you hear what you are telling me?


You are allowing this to continue so that you can catch him and "hold him accountable?"

How is that holding him accountable for anything?

It's allowing it, more like.

If he was truly accountable you'd know the name of the person dropping him off, the tele # of that person, and if that person was a true human, he would call you once he left the airport...

THAT IS WHAT ACCOUNTABLE LOOKS LIKE.

this is so hard to deal with!
I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

Here is the thing that you need to come to terms with. [u]He has all ready run off with her.[/u] But he is sleeping in your bed, eating your food, and letting you do his laundry while he is with her.

So often times we all get caught up in the idea that we should do anything and everything we can to "keep them home" so we can keep an eye on them - but if you are keeping an eye on him, and he continues to do this crap to you, then why are you watching him? If he brings OW home to dinner,would you set a place for her at the dinner table? Becuase everytime he talks to her on the phone, at your house, he is bringing her into your home.

I am not trying to be mean, or hurt your feelings. I am just trying to shed some light on the situation for you - just as poeple did for me many years ago.
How? what could you possbily do now, that you have not all ready done? He is walking all over you.


but most of those cases involve only 1 A. I am not saying your WH is any better or worse than any otehr WH. But the truth that you must face is that your WH had one A, realized it was wrong, asked for forgiveness. Then he had another A, realized it was wrong, and asked for forgiveness. then he had another A..... See what I am saying?

I believe fully in forgiving him. you should absoluteley forgive him. But that does not mean you have to continue to tolerate this. Forgive, yes. Sit back and enable? No way.

and now, even after his 3rd strike, he is not being completely open and honest with you. he is not making himself an open book. that crap about taking a taxi to the airport - oops I forgot to get a receipt?? Come on, you KNOW he is lying. so he is either in A number 3 still, or headed to number 4. This is no life for you or your children. you are taching your children that this is how M is. Don;t you want to teach them something better??

And I have to tell you - Dea is absolutely right about the possiblity of an OC. This is very, very serious. In the past couple of years I have become aware of how many women are trying to "trap" a man. I am 43 years old. i thought the concept of trapping a man was old news. But it is not old news - it is very current. It only takes a woman one night of saying "Please, just one more time? For old times sake? I just need CLOSURE" So the WS decides to give her a good bye romp in the hay,a nd 6 weeks later she calls, crying to say "I don't know what happened! I was on the pill and everything!!" And even if he hates her at that point, it doesn;t matter. You have another child in your life. Your WH has a child support payment,every single month.

I know of 3 cases of women trying to trap a man. 3 women that I know right now. It is sad.

He said he took a cab from the his work to the airport. I told him to get a reciept and he failed to do so. Needless to say I was not pleased. I was goin to floow him but he left at 6am and I have 2 kids to take with me. Plus my brother was here and I don't want to tell him what's going on. He said he called the cab from his office so there is no way of cheking that record. This is why I intend to check on him when he gets back. If I see him get into a cab. Good. It's a start.

If he's NOT here in the house I don't know if the OW is calling him or if he's living with her at her house. If I kick him out he can say he's living with a friend but he can really be sleeping withher at her place. Here, I can check his phone daily and I can see where he is at. I can see what he's doing while he's here better than if he's not here. For example...last week she called while I was in the room. I made him answer it in front of me and witness him tell her to stop calling. If I wasn't there I don't know what he woud have done. I guess he could have ignored it but I felt it's best to make it clear, don't call. From now on he should ignore her and I will be checking records to see what calls come in or go out.

When I read the first post of yours where you told about him answering the phone in front of you and telling her not to call...(I can't remember if it was this thread or another and I didn't look back to check)...anyway, I just got the feeling that that whole phone call thing was staged.

I think you may have mentioned that later. I didn't post at the time but the more I've been thinking about it, yeah. And the more things I'm reading in your posts, yeah.

I might be WAY off here but it just feels that way. And waywards are cruel. They think nothing of pulling the wool over the "ol' ball & chain's" eyes.

That way they can continue their trysting and even have a laugh at the BS's expense.

Or a WS will say, "See what I have to put up with?" etc.

Demonizing.

Just wanted to get this in here because it's been bugging me.

Charlotte

And they do.

And they ARE.

I feel as if we may be pushing you a little too hard. Forgive me if I am coming across that way. But I just keep feeling the need to reach out to you!

VegMom, I want you to know that you are a good person. A good woman. You have value. I can tell by your posts that you are bright, have a good sense of humor. I would imagine that people truly enjoy spending time with you.

I am not saying that you should "kick him out" I would never suggest that you just "kick him out"

I guess what I am saying is this: at some point, you really need to stand up for yourself. Not in a fit of anger screaming "get out you cheating ba$[censored]!" and throwing his clothes out the door.
But a carefully thought out plan, where you sit down with him, and say "H, I love you. You are the father of my children, my lover, my friend. My dream was to be with you forever. But your continued contact with OW, your secretive behaior, your lack of respect for my safety and mental health, are causing me to lose my love for you. Me self esteem is gone. My sense of peace is gone. I spend my days worrying where you are, and who you are with. And you do nothing to protect my feelings.
I don't sleep at night, wondering if you are talking to another woman. Your life is not an open book to me. You take no steps to make me feel safe. I need to protect myself, and the remaining love I have for you, So for that reason, I am afraid that I must ask you to stay with your brother. If/when you decide that you want to protect me, to make me feel safe in my own marriage, and lift me up above any other woman, then we can talk about what it will take for us to build the M we both deserve.

VM - you keep sayign "If he leaves, I won't know if he is living with her." You do realize, he would live with her, right? He has had 3 affairs - he has crossed that boundary at least 3 times. He would live with her - or another woman. For sure. So I guess the reason you do not confront him, is because you know, for sure, he would live with another woman. Is that right?

This is it. This is exactly it.

Baby - and forgive me if you find that offensive...but I KNOW when you are where YOU are, YOU NEED TO BE CARED FOR, and I DO care for you...

Sweetie, you need A PLAN.

Not just to recover your marriage, you need a plan to ensure that no matter what YOU WILL BE OKAY.

A plan IS NOT about forcing ANYONE to do anything.

A plan is about knowing the steps YOU need to take in order to BE HAPPY again...WITH or WITHOUT this man.

You

NEED

A

PLAN.

You don't need to get your entire plan done at once...today...but you need to begin thinking about what you want out of this world.

Jot it down. Make a list. Post your list.

We can help you add to it. We also have wonderful tips on ATTAINING what you need to be happy.

But YOU must do this.

WE cannot.

HE cannot.

This is YOURS to control. All we can do is help.

All my love,
Kimmy