My wife and I have been together 8 years and have a 3 year old son. She was a flirtatious girl when I met her and she hit on me when we first met. Anyways, at her job they sometimes have gold tournaments and social events for their clients which are construction companies. I always knew she was flirtatious with people but never thought much of it because I thought the relationship was solid. Well she planned a trip to Austin to take a test for a course she took but it didn't add up to me. I logged into her work email and found an email to a customer of hers in which was married and they planned on having a fling. I told her I knew and she confessed, cancelled the trip and says she will do anything to work things out. She has stated that it was originally safe flirting since they lived far apart but after a couple years and me not being helpful around the house which stressed her to the point she wanted to escape everything for a night. I would have thought that if it didn't actually occur then this would be easier but it's not. This happened a few weeks ago and since then I have been trying to be strong and reconcile. We have been seeing a marriage counselor and went on our vacation that was already planned. But I'm still resentful and I haven't forgiven her yet I guess. It all feels as if it did happen and I didn't see any posts for a situation that almost happened. We have elected to not tell friends and family and to work this out so I feel like I'm battling this alone. Sometimes I'm so stressed with work and this situation that I feel like I'm going to break so I thought this would be a good place to vent I guess. Synopsis is that I want this to work, I believe she wants this to work, she is extremely sickened by what she almost did, she seems truly remouseful and it didn't physically happen but I feel sick to my stomach each day thinking about the conversations and all. I tend to hold on to things forever. How do I let this go?

Nothing physical happened but she still had an emotional affair. Some people, especially waywards, do not believe in emotional affairs.

There are posters on this board who have been in or have had a spouse in an EA.

I don't know what else to say except hang in there!!

Are you from Texas? There are a TON of Texans here with great expertise in marriage building.

Best to you,

Charlotte

But see this is where you're wrong. "It" did happen. Your wife had an affair, although an emotional one. Have you sent a NC letter to the OM?


Are you sure she is telling you everything? Has she given you access to all passwords, email accounts, cell phone, etc.? Most of the time, WS don't come completely clean the first go around. She should be willing to answer any and all questions honestly. These two didn't just agree to "have a fling" on a whim. It had to build. And are you sure this is the only one?

Not only shouldn't you let it go...but I would bet the house that based on her behavior that she has either has a physical affair with this or another man.

You should be VERY concerned about her behavior at work and she will most likely need to quit her job.

Ask her to submit to a polygraph exam and be prepared to find out that there is a lot more here than you know about. Too many people here have spent months or years getting to the truth...and it really can be resolved in ONE afternoon. I have NEVER seen a situation where a WS has passed a polygraph without revealing more information.

I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Did the email clearly indicate this was a first time meeting? If your WW's word is the only thing you're going on, that's not a good sign!

I already and still do have access to all of her email and phone accounts. I can't see where she would have had time to do anything else but she states she made the biggest mistake of her life and she is now 100% honest about everything. That's all I really have to go on. She does seem sincere with her apology and remourse but it's just hard to even focus on work right now which really makes my life stressful.

If you already had access to her email accounts, then why would she so blatantly have an email conversation with OM?...knowing you would see it?

br68,

These folks are giving you good advice.

This LIKELY wasn't the 1st time.

It was LIKELY already physical.

She will ONLY admit to what you know.

I was where you are 1 year ago, and I thought I knew my FWW, but I was WRONG. Nearly EVERYTHING that I was warned about here ultimately came out as being true, but I denied it to myself in the beginning, just like you are.

1st thing (and this will tell you a lot from her reactions) ... she needs to send a No Contact (NC) letter to the OM ... the vets here can help you with the content of that letter ... AND she needs to leave her place of employment so there will be no incidental contact with the OM.

Request these things and watch her reaction ... it will tell you a lot about her level of honesty and remorse.

DON'T LISTEN TO HER WORDS ... WATCH HER ACTIONS!!!

Time for the voice activated recorder in her car.

You are in for a BIIIIIG surprise.

She did tell the marriage counselor that she was more then willing to do a polygraph. I hadn't even thought of that and wouldn't know how to get one. She forwarded the NC email she sent to him. The other question is since it "has" happened and we have elected to move forward should I put myself through the pain of finding out more or try to move on. To be honest I feel worse and more sick since posting.

POLYGRAPH...by this time on Friday, you could be assured of the total truth.

A lot SAY they will take it....schedule the test. Most will say they will take it to trick you.

All I can do is tell you how I answered that exact same question for myself.

I told my WW that I LOVED her, but I refused to SHARE her. Therefore, I wanted to know EVERY single detail of her contact with OM, as I simply wouldn't allow another man to share ANY intimate secrets with my W that I didn't know about.

In our case, my FWW (FogFree ... you can review our stories if you wish by searching our old posts through our profiles) actually wrote out a complete history of her A. It was painful as he11 for me to read, and it appeared to be painful for her to write, but it really was the starting point of our recovery.

I would at the very least call OM's wife and expose to her with your email evidence. That will keep him from every trying to start something back up again.

As far as not telling anyone, you shouldn't agree to that. If you need to tell a friend or family member for support you should be allowed to do so. If there is more signs of cheating, then you need to expose to everyone.

Wow, I can't think of too many more personality traits that would worry me and doom a marriage as much as a flirtatious spouse.

Didn't that ever concern you? It may be nothing the first 50 times , but eventually, its bound to lead to more.