My wife endured a painful false recovery, and was unwilling to endure another. She had a long list of requirements that I had to meet before she would consider reconciliation. I was 100% on board the day we began recovery. And, yes I wanted my wife!



I know you are in pain. I wish there were a magic answer, but there's not.
I would suggest that you remember, first and foremost, YOU are a PRINCESS to the KING! YOU are a Daughter to Almighty God the Father. You are valued, you are wanted, you are worthy, and you are loved by the KING. YOU are a PRINCESS!!!
Stop placing all your value in how your husband responds to you, it will help you in your walk with God and with recovery pains.

Keep doing what Jennifer suggests and things will get better.
YOU are doing well!

When you start finding yourself setting your happy mood based on whether or not he wants you or not, try turning the focus into yourself.
When I was really low, I sat down and made a list of the things that make me happy. Not generic things but more specific things I could actually do during the course of the day that will lift my mood and help me gain some inner calmness. Here are 3 things on my list. I had about 13 or so on it.
1) go to yoga
2) Listen to music
3) Take care of my body, healthy or pampering

Then when I felt low either due to triggers or lack of "love" from H, I "MADE MYSELF" do somthing from the list. Only allowed myself to fill my day with something on the list. Every day had to do atleast one thing from the list and it worked.
Doing an activity that guranteed my happiness was great and added bonus was that I was able to be there for my H thru his low pont without needing his crutch for me.
Now this is not a long term solution because you cannot be in Plan A indefinately but if you can find happiness and strenght in activities that you can do for youself you will find yourself looking less and less for yur H to hold you up and that might help you deal with his withwrals better.
So make you own list and try to do one a day and see if helps you.

Look at it this way you both were riding in a car , he was driving and caused an accident. You are both injured. Ofcourse he was driving and caused the crash but he cant help you get to the ambulance any more than he can get himself there due to his injuries. You being mad at him for his injury does not help heal yours. You are still bleeding so go get some band-aids for yourself, and hang in there. You need all the medication you can get from these posts, friends , family from Jennifer. Take it from where ever you can get it. Dont keep depending on your H as the only source of your healing. There will come a point where his injuries (which are hopefully not as severe as yours) will begin to heal and he will be able to turn to you and help with your healing too.

i will begin to make my list..... i guess i have been wanting/expecting my H to meet my needs.....how can he, he doesn't even want me right now..... which is what makes me so sad.

we had a session with jennifer last night and it was good. she said she 'let him have it'..... she must have because he seems to be in a bad mood today... :-( i am supposed to make our lunch and meet him at a park today.....we'll see how that goes.... i guess i'll go with no expectations other than to enjoy the fresh air as he probably won't have much to say to me....

i just wish he would let himself let me in and enjoy me. i will get to that list though....i will begin to enjoy myself. my friend sent me a devotional today about joy vs. happiness..... God gives true joy in our lives....happiness depends on the happenings in our lives.... and since we don't have a whole lot of good happening in our lives right now....i must depend on God for his joy....i must seek him more. he will fulfill the needs i have....if i let him.

and you're right...we both have been in an accident and we can't help each other get to the ambulance....i guess we each have to 'want' to get their ourselves.... i do, but he doesn't seem to want to right now.... the confusing part is he said it's a pathetic way to live.....so why does he continue....

i will try to continue to let him go.....laying him at the foot of the cross (yet again!).... it does me no good to worry about him especially if fog land is where he wants to remain.... he has to want to get out. and for now....he doesn't - - -or it doesn't seem he does anyway....

on a good note....after our session with jennifer last night we went for an ice cream. he seemed very down. he asked me for my cell phone and he dialed his work number and showed me how to retrieve his messages....there was one but there was no message left. it was probably a bill collector....ug. gotta get that info submitted and taken care of this week.

the last thing that needs to be taken care of is deleting 'her' from his contact list on his work computer. he brought it home this weekend but it didn't get done. i didn't think i should ask him about it.....he needs to come to this on his own... (???) i hope soon it will get done.

well, i have much work to get done while i'm home today (transcribing a very long tape). i need to be focused and get it finished cause i work in the office tomorrow morning.

i had another post typed....it's saved in Word, but i don't know if i'll post it. i talked to jennifer about it last night in our session so there probably isn't a need to rake my H over the coals just so you guys can blast him too.....

but, all in all, it was kind of a discouraging weekend.... :-( i'm praying for that true joy......not just happiness...

I'm just curious, what did Jennifer specifically suggest?

sounds like jennifer really got on my H about not spending the 15 hours each week. she helped him plan some of it....maybe all of it i'm not sure. i tried to plan an outing but it was kind of squashed....'not enough time i guess to get all the details ironed out'........but actually there was..... i was so bummed. he did apologize though....maybe another time.

she encouraged me to continue to try to meet his EN....even if he doesn't receive it.

i have to continue to work on my LB's and she helped me get started on the plan to stop them before they even start... (identifying triggers, and learn how to 'calm' myself when i feel a LB coming on, when he's totally honest with me to just say thank you....that's it.). in a nutshell i am to focus on my plan and what i'm doing....leave the rest up to her.

as far as my H's resume and looking for another job, she wasn't too concerned about him doing that right now....she said he doesn't have to accept anything right now....especially if we don't have POJA on this issue....

so, this week we're fitting in 15 hours hopefully. we will be traveling at least 10 hours to take our daughter to college on friday, coming home on sunday. we are to listen to our MB cd's, buy some christian music to listen to, and meet each other's ENs...

we are having lunch today at 12....need to get ready for that.... hope it's pleasant... i so want him to want me....to spend time with me.... to be back as #1 in his life again.... (well, behind God of course)...

i'll keep striving for meet his needs no matter how many times he rejects me. he did thank me for the all the 'touches' i have been giving him and not just the sexual ones..... :-) that's a start.... i need to touch him more... i want him to know that i am here for him....that i will support him and help him through this....that i love him and that i want us to 2b1again..... :-)

that's pretty much it... practice, practice, practice says jennifer....

I hope your lunch date was pleasant. Here is what I see you are doing( ps which is exactly what I did so I know) you say the words that you know this will take time to heal and yet you WANT it to be fixed immediatley.

I know cause I am there many many days. I know cause I post the words similar to what you are saying in my therad - I want him to prioritoze me 1st. I want him to shower me with love, I want him to feel love for me the way I feel for him, blah blah blah,

What I am really saying is I want all of that NOW !!!!!!!

But here is the Truth

IT CANT BE FIXED TODAY

It can be fixed it just wont be all Ok today. Today what can be ok is WHAT YOU DO -

Do you smile when you see him.
Do you do something to make him smile today.
Do you do something to make yourself smile today.
Do you work on your assigment from the MC today


Remove your self as an equation in his recovery process. Dont worry about how he is handling the withdrawls. The withdrawls are his pain from A, you are not involved in them you have to remove yourself as a factor there and not allow his fog to affect you and your goal and happiness. You are basically saying that he was the one driving the car so he does not have a right to complain about his injuries. When you remove your WS fog ( sorry for the 2x4) you will see that you both are injured in this crash and he needs to heal too. When he heals from his fog he will begin to see the extent of your injury, right now all he sees is his loss his blood his injury.

Its Ok to be sad about the status of your relationship. I am not saying that you should feel differntly or less hurt what I am saying is dont focus on what he is doing. If he does not want to be there and work on the M he wont, but guess what, he is there (with you) and that to me is acceptable proof that he wants to be there. I know its hard for you to see that because you want it all fixed but him being there, going to MC is a start to the fixing of all of this.

Hers is the unfair part for you ( and all us BS's) You are dealing with betrayl and neglect and yet in order to fix that pain you have to shower your DH With love and be the one to step up and meet his needs. Fine so lets all hold hands and cry about how Unfair this is . Feel better?

Plan A is not easy and everyone who survies it should wear a medal of honor.

And here is your reward - at the end of this path you will be rewarded with a more happier you than you knew before.

I am not a religious person per say but I undersatnd the concept of faith - Belief in the abscence of proof.
So have faith in this process, keep tredging on. Have faith in the vets here that have beee there and survied and know that it can be done. You too will make it to where you want your life to be. So keep working on yourself and finding ways to hang in there and keep walking, one foot after the other.

well, guys....i'm just really bummed..... i went to meet my H for lunch at the park....was so excited.... i got there early (11:55)....he told me one time while we were separated when we were meeting for dinner that if i had showed up late, that he would know that our relationship wasn't important enough to me to get there on time..... well, what does it mean when he's late.....10 minutes while i sit there at a park (that i felt somewhat unsafe sitting there by myself).. does he really not care? the only excuse he could give me when i asked if he had gotten hung up at work was that he had to go to the bathroom before he left..... could you not alot for a trip to the bathroom so you could get to the park on time when you tell me we'll meet by 12:00.....

i was excited as i was preparing our lunch and getting things together.....took a towel for a table cloth (wanted to take a blanket but i know he's not there yet)... cloth napkins and placemats....sandwiches, chips, salsa (which i brought for him cause its his favorite but he didn't eat any.)...i even took a piece of ice cream cake from cold stone (his favorite)....

anyway, as i sat there in anticipation of his arrival at noon...you can imagine the disappointment as the minutes kept going by and he wasn't there... i wanted to LB when he got there but i managed to get myself calmed down before hand so we could enjoy our lunch. (i simply convinced myself that he got out late from a meeting.....wasn't the case was it....)

he was so distant....we hardly talked.... he did answer my questions that i asked him. one of which was if there was any contact..... seems to have really withdrawn from me lately. i asked if he entertained the thought of calling her....he said no. i asked if he wished she would contact him......no answer. i told him i didn't want to put words in his mouth but was that a yes..... he didn't answer.

i told him i couldn't touch him too intimately because there were several cars in the parking lot and without a full table cloth to hang down the other side......well, you know...... so i proceeded to move the towel i was sitting on closer to him and i sat right next to him without being in his lap. i said, 'but i can put my arm around you'... and i kissed his ear and neck, etc...and rubbed his back....and arm with my other hand... he didn't really respond - - actually he didn't. he looked at my cell phone i believe just once to see what time it was....he probably wanted to get out there...

i emailed him this morning and told him i was burdened for him and that i was praying for him.... he wanted to know what i was burdned about.. i told him i really didn't know but that all he had done this morning (before work) seemed such a chore and that he was resenting me..... (he didn't respond one way or the other to that comment).

i am just having a hard time continuing to reach out to him. as we were leaving the park he gave me a hug and stood there just a second and he let go but i kept holding on. i told him i wasn't gonna let go of him....that i was gonna fight till the end for him. he began to get choked up and he did hug me again and held it for a split second....

when we left we both were in tears i think.... me, because i know i've lost the man i've loved more than half my life and have remained committed to. and him, because he'd rather have someone else and feels stuck with me (at least that's why i think he was emotional!!!)

the last verse shared in church on sunday was Galations 5:6b....'The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.' i know that i must continue showing my H unconditional love (that's what Jesus would do) and i feel so defeated almost every single day with him!

Proverbs 3:3-4 says this: Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck. Write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. (i am to be authentic)

and one last verse i'll share is Proverbs 11:24-25: One man gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty. A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed... (well-formed love is generous and that's what i'm trying to be to my H......generous). if he takes off from his family, it will not be because i didn't try....i am giving him no reason to leave....and i don't believe i gave him reason to have an A either!!!!!

We'll see what our evening holds. he couldn't seem to remember what we were supposed to do tonight..... he wants to fit in going to the gym though....and he won't be eating with us as a family because he doesn't eat before going to the gym and it will be late for dinner when he gets home from the gym....

i don't know.... i am praying i can hang on...

I am sorry your afternoon did not go as you anticipated.

May I ask you a question and let me preface by saying that is a lesson I have had to learn the hard way and I am hoping that you can get them without the pain and suffering involved in getting there :

1) Can you go an entire day without talking to WH about the A ?

I dont mean can u not think about the A for a day. I mean can you not bring it up in every conversation with him. That was my biggest problem, I lived and breathe the A and its pain., Everytime I had my husbands ear it was the ONLY topic of converation either directly or indirectly. So I wont say can you discuss it with him infrequently rather I would say, Can you go an entire day without talking to him about the A with him.

I was constantly bringing it up beacuse I needed to talk thru it to heal, I felt the more I talked with him the more answers I got the more it would help me make sense of it all.

What I learned that constant talk of A caused these added problems in my current relationship :

1) Convinced my DH that I would never let him forget what he did and punish him forever.
2) Reinforced to my H that all i focused on was the past and had no plans or thoughts or desires toward the future.
3) Disallowed me to move forward and be stuck in one place and one pain and wallow in it.

Finally One day my H said to me can I not talk about it every since day every single time we are together and it just clicked. Its not liek he will ever allow himself to forget what he did , he does not need me to remind him ALL THE TIME .
I thought about the answer and it came to me I can !
I can refrain myself from ruling every moment have together. It does not mean that I "forget" or "give him a pass" or what ever, it just means I am willing for that not to be the only basis of our interaction. My current plan is to schedule with my H time to talk about the A when I feel like I need some. I know its unromantic but it allows me to have "fun" the rest of the time cause I know that just beacuse I am happy toaday does not preclude me from having a bad moment later. Becuse we are moving forward with a new us does not mean that I wont be allowed to go back to the pain and conversation I need. I just had to get to the point of feeling comfortable that i dont need to talk about it all the time because when ever I want to I can.
I dont know if thats something you can absorb by words or is that a point you can to get to by yourself where you are comfortable putting it to the side temporarily. I ceratinly took the hard way of having many many marathon sessions, many many ruined date evenings to get there so I am hoping you can take a short cut

Your 15 hrs together have to be somehow time to have conversations other than the A. so hence I ask the question. Can you try that the next time you are spending time together in that 15 hr window NOT TO HAVE ANY TALKS ABOUT A ?

I know its hard and I dont mean to beat down on you but you need to help yourself be happy. You need to take a break from the fact that you are a Betrayed spouse and focus on something else for part of the time.
Yes you and I are both BWs but we are also individuals seperate and removed from our spouses.

So my hope for you is that you can tap into that YOU and focus a bit more of making YOU happy and for a little while forget about being a wife or mom and all the other hats you wear.

How is that list of Pursuit of happiness coming along ?

ok, i've taken the 2x4's from you today.....and i am not upset - or dizzy... lol

let me say this.....yes i can go for a whole day and even a couple without bringing up the A. and those days are nice. it's when my H slips back into his depression and 'oh i miss her' crap that gets to me... i guess what you are saying is that in spite of that, i need to move forward and ignore the crap.... and hopefully (later) at some point he'll turn the corner and we can be happy again...whenever HE decides he's done feeling sorry for himself....

when my H is in his 'good mood' i find that i don't even think about the A or the OW or any part of it.... it's just when he starts feeling sorry for himself and wants to have that pitty party cause he misses her so much wah wah wah.... he's on the wahmbulence....not an 'ambulence' where he will actually get the help he needs...

to a degree i feel like i'm being rude if i ignore my H.....but i guess in essence i wouldn't be ignoring him....just the A.... i will make it my goal to put all A talk on the back burner....except that i will ask if there has been any contact.... other than that, i won't talk about it...

we just had a trigger though on friday (for instance)... i caused my H to trigger when i met him for lunch (unbeknown to me), but it caused a 'discussion' on our way to the mall..... i did not bring it up...my H did. he said he would tell me about the trigger but would do it in person.... he chose to do it on the way to the mall..... probably shouldn't have took place then. i probably should have said, no, let's wait till we get home or later or whatever...

i knew at lunch today i shouldn't have asked anything about anything on the subject of the A...or 'her' or anything else.... why should i let her to CONTINUE to ruin our lives!! why can't he see that's what's happening the longer he prolongs moving out of fogville....

yes, i want to be happy again. i will take your advice and the advice of all the vets here and put forth great effort to stop talking about the A in any way, shape or form at all cost.... i might even put him off if he asks me anything that would take us in that direction...

fortunately for me....i have always been able to learn from other's mistakes.... so i'll pray i can continue to learn and glean and put to practice what others from this site have learned....

i just told my best friend today that i absolutely hate how much i am being stretched through all of this.....

i'll do my best and i'll start right now...... and i'll be working on that list.....

i have too many hats that i wear..... i will begin to reevaluate them...

I love when you said this part " he's on the wahmbulence "
made me smile cause you completely removed your self from his train wreck.
good for you .


Sorry if this sounds rude towards him, dont waste your energy on helping him thru his fog. You cant, he has to find his own way out. You have so little of your own precious air left after this blow that it will take all your strenght just to keep breathing for you. And the more you do for him the more you see the imbalance in what you are getting vs what you are giving.

So accept that he cant give you much right now, Keep plan A'ing for as long as you can. I am sure the vets on your thread will point you to plan B or checking to make sure NC is still in place and when they see the signs for the need for that. I am no expert on withdrawls so I dont want you to miss out on any warning signs....

Let him know you love him, let him know you are there for him.
But be there for yourself too and dont be so hard on yourself.

You know what really solidified keeping up with plan A for me when I was really really ready to throw in the towel was what I read in SAA. The reasons for why do Plan A ?
One of the reasons was that if a BS did plan A (and plan B) to the best they knew how and the Ws did not turn around then the WS would have overdrawn their love bank account by so much that there would be no love left from the BS to the WS.
Right now you are in Plan A cause you love your H and you want your marriage to heal. If you keep at it the best way you know how and it does not work out you know -
1) you did the best you could
2) you will be at a better place in terms of being prepared for the worst outcome

So in my eyes there is no loss here in keeping up with plan A.
It helps protect your interest either way. You continue to stay in love and show your love to your H and either at some point he reciprocates and starts to fill your love back. Else you will get to a point where the lack of units in your love bank allow you to detach your self from him in a healthy manner and still keep you whole.

EITHER WAY YOU WILL BE OK !

I know I seem biased in making sure that you as a BS stay whole beacuse you(and I) have been dealt a huge blow and you need all the help you can get to recover from this. When I read my recent posts to you they seem to come accross as anti WH or anti M they are not. I am just trying to be pro YOU , not anti anything , just wanted to make sure that I get that across .

I hope you have a better evening ahead

well i must say i am getting fed up i think with his crap!! he got one simple (well, i think it's simple.....nothing is simple for him anymore cause he's being forced to do something with the wrong person....i am not the OW!!!) anyway, one simple thing jennifer gave us to do was to go to the christian bookstore and pick out some christian cd's for our trip to take our daughter to college (it will be at least 10 hours...).

so he gets home from work late....i called him at about 4:20 or so to see how he was doing.... first of all, he answered the phone when he supposedly lets them go to voice mail....

he did answer the phone and i was glad to hear his voice..... his comment to me was 'i'm surprised it was you'.. so i said, 'well, who did you think it would be'... he didn't say anything for a split second but then said he thought maybe it would be a call from one of the people at the out of town office he goes to.... i said i'm sorry if i disappointed you..... (didn't say it snotty, but i probably shouldn't have said it. i know full well who he probably wished it to be....but i'm not gonna put those words in his mouth either.....)

anyway, it's about 4:40 when he says, 'let me call you right back'.... i said ok.... well, he didn't call, and he didn't call..... my first thought was maybe he was posting and he wanted to finish up by 5.... nope...no posts for him today.

he got home after 5:00. all i said was 'you didn't call me back'.... he said 'nope'....

so i swallowed big and thought to myself.... don't take it personally....don't take it personally..... someday he will want to call me back..... someday...

he was changing his clothes so we could go do our errand - - and then he was going to the gym... well, while he was changing i got a little frisky with him and (i will spare you all the details) but he was happy when i was done with him.... no thank you, no response to me at all.....NOTHING!! AAAAAAAAH!!!! he finished getting dressed and went out of the room.... i had not intended for myself to be pleasured (although it would have been nice that's for sure) but is he that selfish that he can't at least say thank you.... maybe he'll be thankful after the gym. he usually comes home in a better frame of mind. (i'm not holding my breath about it though and will chalk it up to 'loving without expecting anything in return' if he doesn't say anything...

so, by now, it's about 6 or just before and we are going to the christian bookstore.... when we got there (6:10) it was closed already (6:00).... so, instead of going to the next closest store (about 20 minutes but it's not unusual that we go to this one) ...he proceeds to drive me back home, he got a bottle of water and went to the gym. he did give me a kiss goodbye.... i am being thankful for that....

but i am grumbling a little as i write this post... i hope his selfishness passes soon!! i am very conscious of my attitude after being rejected today and trying to keep my cool.... i need to go eat something...i'm not really hungry but i didn't have a very big lunch.

thanks for being my cheerleader.... and i like your poster name: wannamoveforward. i'm sure that's an appropriate name for most, if not all on this site!! can't wait till it's all behind us...

i am learning and i hope i succeed cause i don't want to lose at this challenge that has been placed before me without especially when i wasn't even asked if i wanted to be a part of the stupid thing!! i have put my time in (23 years - - but granted, i've learned it wasn't all i had either - - we were too busy going our separate ways with the kids).... but i'm not about to give up now!!!

i feel better..... i've grumbled a bit. i've typed it out. i didn't love bust.... and i'm looking forward to my H coming home....no matter what kind of mood he's in (but i'm really hoping he's in a good mood).

thanks wmf.... thanks for caring. and thanks for giving me your insight....

Hope your day is starting out better today

I am sorry I have no advise on how to deal with your H's withrawls and aloofness. I am not sure how long that should an will take. In my case I just kept checking to make sure NC was in place (not by asking). From what I read on the boards whenever there is contact the withrawl clock sets to zero again and real recovery cannt progress for the WS.

I know its hard to continue to plan A your H and get nothing or very little in return but like I said once I focused on the part that plan A provided me protection and shelter from from the pain of a D if we ever got to that, it got easier for me. I know I was not going to be able to be the giver endlesslessly and if he did not return back to me we were headed for a D. I thought that we would never turn the corner or exit this dark uneneding tunnel of fog. Even now I am reluctant to say that we are "fog free" but I think we are there. It takes a lot of patience to hang in there when there is no end in sight. But it will come hang in there .......

There were (are) amy days where I want to be in plan FU and those days are hard and seems like you had one of those yesterday.

I hope today is a better day for you

2b1,

I've been reading your thread and it brings back so much of what I went through with my FWW. I first want to say that I feel your pain and am so sorry for you.

Now, during this withdrawal phase you need to be as strong as you can be. Don't give your power away to the alien currently inhabiting your husband's body. Try to keep your expectations in check. And don't allow yourself to get too high or too low based on him.

Be strong for yourself. You CAN get through this.

Your husband is still blanketed by "fog". What he's saying is not really coming from him. The things he says at this point do not reflect his true feelings. He is unable to connect with his true feelings. Try not to give any credence to his words. You will only hurt yourself and your chances of recovering if you allow yourself to believe his words and base your feelings on them. Be strong!

Hang in there. It will get better with time. Lots and lots of time. I'm sure others have mentioned, and it's true, it's a marathon not a sprint. Pace yourself.

I've mentioned this a couple of other times on other threads, so I hope it can help you as well.

When he speaks, think "Charlie Brown's Mom". You know, whah whah whah whah whaaah...

Try it. It will help you detach a bit from his hurtful words and you may in fact find a little smile come across your face as well. You'll feel a little smidge better when it happens, and he sure won't know what to think if you're smiling. It's like double duty!

Peace and strength to you,

TTH

my day didn't start out better....i got to bed about 11:30 or so and our son started throwing up just before 2 a.m...... i'm exhausted and i know that's playing a part in my emotions today. he stayed home from school today....unfortunately i had to work in the office to do payroll today (i failed to be here for him when he was sick) :-( .... my daughter had a dr's appt so i had to leave work and then go back.... then on my way home i had to go to the store and get some 7-up, etc..... i used to be good at multitasking but i've never had a failing marriage to fight for and it's really taking its toll on me!

i'm very sad and discouraged with my H, angry and fed up with him at the same time..... we did not have a good evening i guess. we did our 1/2 hour of talking and then we just kept talking.

my H just isn't willing to let go of the OW even if it is just in his brain.....and his.....well,......you know..... whatever. the way i look at it is he's the one that holds the key to our future.

i'm sure i made the mistake last night in asking my H if he wanted me to continue to try to meet his EN.....i said, 'isn't that what we both want?'.. he said it just seems so foreign... i said do you think i'm not sincere?... he said most of the time i think you are, but.... i said, but what?... his eyes welled up with tears and he said.....it's just that if i let you in then i know i have to let her go.... well DUH!!!! at least he gets that part!!! the unfortunate part is he's not willing to do it yet....

i did tell my H (not sure if i was supposed to or not) that i was going to try my hardest not to bring up the A anymore, or 'her'.... it does nothing for me....nothing for him.....and certainly nothing for us!.... i did write that out on a piece of paper and it's in my binder i use for coaching with jennifer.

my H has stepped way back from me. he had to work out of town today.....darn, we don't get to participate in the assignment jennifer gave us for today.....SF at lunch.... naturally i was looking forward to it, but he said it's not a trip he planned and he couldn't get out of going.... i believe him but i know he's relieved cause he doesn't want to be intimate with me anyway.......if he enjoys it with me then he's letting her go a little bit more....and he can't have that now can he... HE'S SO SELFISH@!!@ and he has no idea how ugly he has become! it really is PATHETIC!!!

i am venting here on the site because i'm afraid it might come out directed at him if i don't..... i told him i was trying to work harder on not LB'ing..... that's just as ugly i'm sure....

i'm trying to heed information from this site but i am SO exhausted... i am just soooooo stretched beyond what i ever thought i could be, let alone would be.... i'm thinking i might be in plan FU too, like you said. i did tell my H that i am one tough girl!!! i hope he doesn't forget it when he wants me to quit fighting for him... I WON'T!

don't worry about feeling bad for me...i am usually encouraged by what is said here even if it is someone bopping me in the head with a 2x4 to remind me to get off my own pitty pot!! this is so unfair though!! and how do you explain it to the family when one day he seems 'normal' and the next day he has turned into dr. jekel....

my parents have been more than forgiving to my H and they can't understand one iota why he continues to be stuck in penisville with a slut that has ripped our family apart royally! what has he become???? he is the farthest thing from what he really is.....

i have decided to go forward with myself in mind....being very careful not to become like him though - - selfish to the core! i have to live my life (which will still include caring for my H). however, i am continually coming to terms with the fact that my life may not include him anymore....it's really up to him and he seemingly is making his choice. i hope for both of us and the sake of our kids that i can hang on!!

as far as you not actually asking your H about the NC......how do you suggest i find that out when the only way now for them to be in contact is through his work phone and email.....his email still isn't changed. he did give me the pass code to his phone though to check messages.... i haven't done that yet without his permission...he just gave it to me on sunday. i feel like calling his number right now since he is not there just to check..... he would be so mad i'm sure because i did that.... BUT, on the other hand, if he really wants to be open and honest with me then it shouldn't matter right.... (but i would have to tell him if there were any messages.....) not sure what i'll do.

i don't know wannamoveforward (love that name!) i don't even know what i'm feeling today... i need some sleep and i want to escape!!

sad today for now....

thank you trytoohard.....



something about this clicked with me today.... i recognize my H as not really the man i married.....he really is such an alien anymore... the evil one is having a hay day with him, all the while my H continues to let him. he used to be spiritual too but everything has gone out the window.....including his morals, etc...

i am encouraged to read from yet another person on this site that i CAN get through this.... i plan on it....



this clicked with me today as well. i just have to keep telling myself every time he ignores me, my email or my text that 'it's not really him....don't take it personally....you can do it.....hang in there....' all that kind of stuff.... it has helped me today as i long to hear from my H (i tell myself he's too busy at work) but i know he won't call, text or email.... we used to look forward to each other's emails and phone calls, etc.... he doesn't anymore...

time.....time.....how much time..... no one knows..... and that's the hardest part..... how much longer do we have to live in this hell hole he keeps submerging us in???

i will do the charlie brown's mom thing.... wah, wah, wah.... when he is on his pitty pot.

i pray for both peace and strength.... i let it get away from me yesterday..... but i'm back today fighting tooth and nail for my H's life!!! i have never rebuked satan so much in my entire life than i have in the last 15 months!!!!

i thank you for taking the time to share with me. i will hang in there...even if i do feel like giving up. that's usually when i get my second wind......i think i'm on about my thousandth wind by now....... man it's tough!

thank you....

p.s. wannamoveforward......look! i was able to quote.. thanks.

Absolutly!
DO it if its is what you need to. This is about him helping YOU feel safe. You have the right to do this.

i'll do it now...... i'll deal with him later if he has a problem with it....

well, i checked his phone.... i feel so guilty - - i'm thinking cause there was nothing to worry about... he did have two messages but they were work related and now i have to tell him....i just know he's gonna be mad....probably won't call me on the way home...... BUT, if i had intercepted something i surely would have deleted it and probably informed him i would be sending the NC letter.

here's the thing....i have always trusted my H.....obviously too much!!! look how he has 'CHOSEN' to rip our family apart.... and he says he feels guilty.... YEAH RIGHT!!! if he felt guilty then he would see the slut for what she is.....just that....a slut that didn't and doesn't care about him - - or his family (supposedly she did). HA!

it's really HER that i don't trust... but at the same time HE is the one that thought about contacting her recently (but called me instead - - good for him even though he didn't want to), and also recently wished she would contact him. is this just part of the withdrawal phase.....the foooooog.... i feel like i make excuses for him to my family when i have to tell them that 'today, we're not having a good day..' ug!!

so why do i trust him so much????? and yet he's the one that won't let go of her... she obviously meant business when she called him may 25th and told him 'it's over'.... GOOD FOR HER!! i commend her for this!! but i'm just not sure what it will drive me to do if i ever find out they have been in contact again....

i told my H last night that we are spending big bucks for the coaching we're receiving.....and that i hoped it was not all for naught..... God help me if it ends up being for nothing.... i might want to die for a while. but i will pray that my fog be lifted and ask God to provide me with the godly man i know my H can be but refuses to so bring him in someone else....

i hate to talk like this cause it's the furthest thing from my mind. i almost think it's a defense mechanism....i'm preparing myself for what i fear my H is going to do....leave me for his slut. and if he does....i hope she hurts him really bad!!! cause he'll deserve it all.... the sad part is this....i know she will end up hurting him and he doesn't deserve it!!!! He really is a good guy. he just tripped big time!

well, i'm gonna email my H and tell him i checked his messages and that he needs to check them. he was going to try to get away by 4. i told him i would appreciate it if he could at least text me (cause i know he doesn't want to call me) to let me know he's left for home....it will take about an hour to get home. but i'm hoping he hasn't left yet....yes, i'm hoping he calls me.... but i'm preparing myself that he won't.... what a pathetic way to live myself....

i called him on my way to work this morning (he was still driving to too)... i told him i called and thought we could ride to work together.... he seemed annoyed. i tried to keep the conversation going for a bit but could tell he would really rather not be talking to me....so i told him i would let him go so he could get back to listening to the radio or doing whatever he was doing.....i did tell him that maybe i would call him or text him in the afternoon. he said 'don't, i will be in a meeting'... he barely said bye and hung up.....

i texted him at lunch and told him i was thinking about him. he ignored me. it's so hard to continue when i continue to get knocked down with every effort to draw him to me....!!! i know, vets, someday it will pay off right?.... i'm holding on...

better get that email sent...

if i could just say i'm a little worried that my H has even pulled back from posting..... kind of makes me assume the worst.... i asked him yesterday if he was busy at work... he said no. i told him i noticed he didn't post at all. he said, yeah, and i noticed you got two posts.. he said he just didn't want to post... guess he might be afraid of the real 2x4's that might be delivered if he were to post that he really misses the OW.....

i'm praying for him AND fighting for him!!! my hope is in the Lord!

hey 2b1,
I just read all the way thru your H thread, I had been keeping up with it but fell behind for a while.

Forgive me for asking what you may have already said...
you havent posted the NC letter? Why is that?

Does Not2l8 know that you require a txt in response to your txt even if its just an ok?

Yes dislike the OW as much as you like I say, but your H has a 50% share in that A, she didnt tie him up.

Is he still reading the MB books, or has Jennifer stopped that for now?

Looking back over the last 4 weeks, do you see progress in anything, no matter how small. Do you see steps back?


WD is such a sh*tty time.