Well, my chance is finally here. I have a chance to see OW. She is holding a garage sale this weekend and I found out about it through the paper. I want to go so bad, but part of me is saying it is a bad idea.<P>She has seen a picture of me on my H desk, so I know she has an idea of what I look like. I want to be able to go without her knowing it is me. I do look somewhat different than I did in the picture, so she may not know it is me.<P>My H says I can do whatever I want, but he thinks it will just make me mad all over again and his thought is now she will be person with a face instead of just a voice on the phone.<P>What do you all think? I have been dying to see her for some time. I have all these images in my head and I guess I want to put them to rest. I figure someday we will see each other in person, so why not now on my terms? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

DO IT. That is my advice. What do you have to lose. I think that once there is a face to the imaginary person, thing may become clearer to you.<BR>I have never seen the OW. She lives in a different state, and I may never get to see what she looks it. I bugs me that she knows what I look like, but I have no idea what she does.<BR>Wear a baseball hat. Put on some sunglasses. If you don't want her to recognize you. But, if I were you, I would walk right up to her and introduce yourself. You HAVE nothing to be ashamed of.<BR>Just my thoughts. Good luck<BR>

i agree- DO IT!!<P>you'll know she'll know, and I guess a little revenge is in order. Just don't go to far....the temptation will be there.

Hi Cracker...<P>If you decide to do it, remember to bring a friend and wear sunglasses and a baseball cap. Good luck tomorrow. You will be in my thoughts....

I also say to do it... ya know, lot's of folks drive by slowly to take a gander at the goods and then decide not to stop... maybe try that, that way you'll be sure NOT to be seen.<P>Good luck, and I hope it brings some closure for you. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Oh God, please don't. Look at where this obsession with my H's OW Mia has taken me! Be careful what you wish for...

Cracker,<BR> I knew a woman who also wanted to get a look at the OW.The OW did'nt know what she looked like so she showed up at her house,pretending to sell magazine subscriptions.Some guts,huh?If you decide to do it,leave your gun at home! --Murph

Hi Cracker,<BR> Yes, DO IT.... it's harder to deal with the unknown and will drive you crazy. When I finally saw the OW it was a relief (I had her so built up in my head) and thought "now I know what I'm dealing with"....it removes the mystery.....Lu

I'm with TL on this one. Ask yourself: What does this do for me? Does this make me feel better? Is this constructive? Or will this just bring up all the garbage all over again?<P>As my therapist says, "Don't go there."<P>I'm not convinced that this "closure" is really necessary. I think that we DO have the power to just "let it go", to get rid of those thoughts. If your H is home and you are rebuilding, this can only be petty and destructive.<P>Read TL's thread...then decide. But I vote "No."

Dear Cracker -- Your question tells me that you have not yet learned that your marital problems do not exist outside of your marriage at all, but within. The OW is a symptom of problems within your marriage and not a root cause thereof. <P>Find the best counselor you can to help you work out the differences between you and your husband. Any counselor worth his or her salt will insist that your husband stay away from the OW and be accountable to you in that regard. This is a non-negotiable part of your reconciliation process.<P>Reconstituting your marriage will be very difficult for you and him both. Your going to see the OW only makes things more difficult in many ways. She is not part of the problem and most definitely is not part of the solution!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Murray (edited October 16, 1999).]

I have always known who the OM is and what he looks like, so I don't know if it is better to know or not. Even though he is about 80 lbs overweight and uglier to boot nothing makes any sense in this mess we are in. Ask yourself if you'll regret missing this opportunity to see her secretly or not, but don't expect it to change anything, you still have to work on your marriage.

I understand your curiosity and would probably do the same thing if I didn't know the OW.<P>By now you've probably gone and seen her. Did it settle anything for you? It's tempting to think that the OW is some sexpot bombshell that our spouse couldn't resist, but face it, our marriage problems are there before the affair happens. In my case, my H. rates his ex-OW as a 7, and me (on a good day) as a 9. Go figure. <P>So now that you've satisfied your curiosity, move forward (This is a pot speaking to the kettle sort of suggestion.)<P>Blessings,<P>Lizzie<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Well all, I did not see her. I had the chance and I let it go. I decided I would take a friend with me and if she could not go then I wouldn't either. I did not think it would be good to go alone because my temper can get out of hand sometimes.<P>Murray,<P>I hope you read this and know that I am very well aware of where my problems are in my marriage. I have actually known way before the affair and chose to not pay attention to it. This OW did play a part in some of my H actions. She knew the state he was in and played on his confusion. She thought she was getting herself a good catch and could move from her present H to a new upgraded one. I would want to see anyone who behaved this way whether or not it was my H or someone elses. I am a "have to know" type of person. I have worked up so many things about this woman...she is some wonder woman to a very unattractive witch...I felt a need to put those thoughts in perspective and I believe that would help me heal. I am sorry I did get to see her and I am sure I will look for chances in the future. This woman worked with my H and has been on disability leave for some time and no one seems to know why (this happened coincidentally right after my H told her it was over). I just need answers. This visit may have helped clear up a lot of unanswered things for me. I told my H about it and he said he was o.k. for me to do whatever I wanted. We both know that she was just in the right place at the right time and it could have been anyone giving him the attention he needed. We are doing great by the way and have moved to a much better place in our lives. I still don't believe that seeing her would have made one bit of difference in our relationship, only in my mind.<P>I guess I have rambled on enough. Thanks to all who answered. It is good to know so many of you support and understand my wanting to see OW. Maybe next time!!

Cracker, would you like my sympathy or my respect? If you want my sympathy then, sure, I understand your hurt feelings and why you feel the need to see the OW. <BR>

Hi Cracker....<P>I was thinking about you today and wondering if you went to the garage sale or not.<P>When I read your original Post, it hit me that your opportunity to see this OW for the first time could become a reality. Then, it made me wonder if I really wanted to see my H's OW or not. I still do not know what she looks like.<P>Sure did make me stop and think. Up til now, there was no question about it...I wanted to know what she looks like. Now...I don't know. Sometimes I wonder, if it is best that I don't know.<P>Anyway....I'll chat with you later. Hang in there....<P>Your friend....NoTrust<P>

I didn't have any choice about seeing the OW she came to my house twice, before I knew. I guess she wanted to size me up, guess I wasn't a threat. I know I didn't look like one then, she came over after I had surgery so I deffinitely looked lousy. The only I can't figure out is on my worst days I looked better then she does. The only thing she had going for her was she was skinnier then I was then. And she knew all the sex books ( maybe she worte them). I can't even get her out of my mind, even now because I just had film developed and she was in some of the pictures he took at work. UGH!!! Those you have seen her or the pictures say she is a dog. So It doesn't really matter how they look. They did some thing to get our H's to give them a second look. I just wish I could forget her, but then I would probably have to forget my H since he is living with her.

Cracker--<P>I agree, absolutely, with the posters who said OW isn't the problem but a symptom of the problem....(glad to hear things are better now!)<P>However, I would have had to see her. The curiosity would get the better of me, personally.

Knowing what she looks like won't help a single bit. If she's attractive and young, then you will feel insecure. If she's fat and ugly, then you will feel incredible confusion. If she looks a lot like you, then you will always wonder if he's with you for the right reasons.<P>I agree with those who have said that it is often worse to have a face to put with the voice and the concept. I am glad you didn't go to see her. Pretend she does not exist. I would give anything to have my husband with me, and if I did, I know that I wouldn't be concentrating on HER, but on US.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

Terri, I loved your post. Every word of it. As a H whose W has mastered the art of acting indifferently, I love the sentiment you expressed when you said, "I would give anything to have my husband with me." One of our counselors once said that my W seems to be of the attitude that I have to stay with her but she doesn't have to do anything to make things better. Clarifying what you really want and being willing to go for it are soooo important and you typify that in your remarks. Even though my W seems unable to do that, I find the attitude inspiring and it truly is nice to know that not all women have that particular problem.<p>[This message has been edited by Murray (edited October 17, 1999).]

Well, I guess after being gone for a few days, I felt I must once again respond to Murray and the remarks.<P>Murray,<BR>You asked before if I was looking for your respect or your sypathy...neither. I was simply looking for advice and a bit of differing opinions. You sound very angry that you do not have what you want in your life and seem to be taking it out on my simple question. I find it very interesting that those of you oppose my seeing the OW don't have OP in your life. Sure, that is very important, but so is healing and everyone does it different ways. There are many ways to deal with things and many people are very different. You don't think seeing OP is necessary. That is fine. I do think it may aide in my healing process. Like I said before, I am a "have to know" person. I think too much about the unknown. Healing for me is knowing everything. I can put it all in perspective. Please understand that I do have much healing to go and I am doing my best. Be angry at your situation and not my poor little post. Thanks.<P>Thanks again to all who responded. I find great comfort in all of you who are like me and finding much confusion in this day to day healing.<P>Cracker.