I tried to get my wife to tell me what she needed for me to come home. Never got that. She just wanted me back. Probably a mistake on her part. I wanted to know before coming home. Then I would know when I was ready for sure, because I would know exactly what was needed. I know my wife has fought for me as well, and ultimately I know she saved me as well, and continues to.



I have seen that said many times here that feelings follow actions. I buy it to some degree, but I have a strong belief it goes the other way as well. Example if you see someone hurting, you feel compassion and then you take action to help that person. Also what about God sending his son to die for us because he loved us. He didn't die for us then realize oh yea I love them. He took action to send his son. If someone can shed light on this in a different way that would be good. Because I struggle with the philosophy that feelings follow actions. Seems to be the other way to me most of the time. What am I missing on this?

You can't have it both ways!



"I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."
Exodus 33:19

You see mercy and compassion are a choice, an action, not an emotion.

Love is also a choice/action, not an emotion.


When you allow emotions/feelings to control your intellect/thoughts, you are out of control. And it's called insanity when you act on those raw emotions without engaging the brain.

Loving is the doing and the deciding and the committing. It is meeting your spouses EN's even when you don't FEEL like it! It is allowing your EN's to be met by your spouse even when you don't FEEL like it!
Meeting and allowing EN's to be met is the catalyst that brings back the feelings associated with love.


similar to what scripture says, "We love God BECAUSE He first loved us". We feel the feelings associated with love because of God's actions toward us.

On a different subject, how are you doing with your 15 hrs. of exclusive time together?

How are you doing with your IB's? Are you still going out and doing things alone, without your wife? Are you still telling her what you are doing instead of agreeing on what outside activities are acceptable?

My bet is you are still doing things on your own, and without enthusiastic agreement if you are still having trouble allowing her in to meet your EN's.

ok you really have me thinking on this now. I keep coming back to the feeling of Love. That romantic love feeling that Dr H. refers to. What I am missing so badly,the feeling of love, is attached to the wrong person. That is what is missing with my wife, and following the plan that feeling will return. I know my wife loves me, well at least who she thinks I am, she is loving me through this, and yet I resist. Why do I hold onto the fantasy of the A? How do I completely let it go, or do I really if that is why NC has to be for life.

Not very good. Do ok on the weekends, but not very well during the week. Actually I was reading FILSIL last night, and was on the chapter where this very issue was being discussed. Need to talk to my wife about what I read, she is not that far in the book yet. I am looking at asking her to set aside time tomorrow to discuss how we are going to get our time in.



Again probably not very well. The only thing I really do is go to the gym. I do tell her however I am going to the gym I don't ask. I think we can work this out when we sit down to discuss our time together.



Actually I think it is more of just not doing. What I found in reading last night to, is that at first in spending the time together it might not even be enjoyable, depending on how well we avoid LB and how well we meet the EN. So I tend to avoid the situation all together. In a strange way it made me feel better that it's ok if at first you have that I am not sure about this kind of attitude. So I am encouraged to try. The book also stated that sometimes 15hrs is not enough because you are not very good at it, and that sometimes he recomends 20+ hours a week. That is probably where we are at truth be known. In my opinion we are not very good at spending time alone. Not the way the book talks about it anyways.

She knew the man of 20 or more years and is fighting for his complete return. He can return a better man with the help of God.



You need to stop all this mental masturbation, you keep screwing yourself.
You start by allowing your wife in to meet your needs and by scheduling more than 15 hours of time together. THIS IS A MUST!

You can only get better at this when you schedule the time and then DO IT.

You are so right....I actually e-mailed my wife this morning about this. Of course I didn't state it the same way, but your way of saying it to me, hits home. I am screwing myself. I told her it is pathetic that I stay in that frame of mind. I am like eyore walking around "poor me". I have to get on with living life, and restoring my Family.

We actaully spent some time last night begining this process of scheduling our time. We are going to work on it some more tonight so we can plan our next week. Going to be a tough one as we leave next Friday to take youngest daughter to college. So not looking forward to that.

Thanks for your continued support, still need it, you have a way of making me think about my perspectives. I am in a much better place today then I was just a couple days ago.

Good, Good, & Good!

THIS is what it is all about! Your daughter is with BOTH of her parents before she is going off to college. What a gift for her! You are engaged in your REAL life here, not the fantasy life that would have destroyed your wife and childrens memories and hopes for tomorrow.

This is REAL life stuff that elicits REAL life emotions and builds upon all the REAL history and REAL memories of your many years together with your wife and children.

God Bless & Enjoy your weekend.

TST, it is so good to see you stepping up and helping some of the guys here. You are needed and appreciated here!

I hope things are going wonderfully for you and SMB. Be sure and let her know you are both still in our prayers.

How was your weekend with your family & your appt. w/Jennifer?

Not2L8,

Are you willing to e-mail me and talk? We can contact the mods and they will send me your e-mail??

I'm not sure what's going on with you, but the depth of your withdrawals are not keeping you or your marriage safe. There are bound to be rough days off and on, but not continually day after day. So lets talk. ??

tst- yes I would rather e-mail through my work e-mail, the one I registered with is our family e-mail account. I do not have another e-mail other than work.

I am not sure if I should just set up an e-mail account through yahoo or something and give the info to my wife so she can verify but it will give me an e-mail account other than my work to have these conversations.

Thoughts.....on how to handle.

Thanks for reaching out.

Make sure that if you set up a second email account that you let your W know about it when you do it. It would be SO hurtful if she found out about it and thought that you were using it for the wrong reasons.

I would just let her know that you are going to talk with tst offline for some added personal support and that you want to do it through a separate account to keep it divided.

Are you going to let her read it if she wants? You may want to think about whether or not it will be like this thread...something that she has access to if she wants, but something that you would prefer her not read. That way she feels that she is not having something hidden from her, but it's a "read at your own risk" sort of thing.

Mogi

(new name, old poster)

I have notified MB and my business e-mail is to be sent to your registered e-mail only. Your wife can forward it to your work after that.

FYI, You can always click on the "notify" button on the lower right corner of your posts and send anything you want to the moderators.

BTW, I don't recommend you set up a seperate e-mail account at all!!!

ok I won't setup a different e-mail. I was un-easy about it but thought if she had the ability to check it, that it would be ok.

I will let my wife know that she will be getting an e-mail as she is the one that checks the e-mail all the time. I don't really use it.

I am just a bit unsure how she will react to any of it. She has already asked why I read other posts, and not in a just wondering type of manner. It was asked in manner of why do you bother. Then she asked why I was not posting. Well, did not have much to say, and was really trying to get in a better frame of mind before doing so.

Anyways enough about that.

I let her know already on her thread, she thought it was a great idea.

It may take the day for MB to get completed, so be patient.