this is updated from my post on Spouse inheritence
I pray for support and suggestions how to deal with this.


Here we go again.......................
Husband called me this morning on his way to work.

He asked me why I was doing this to him. All he wants is his name on hse. Why am I being so difficult, I owe it to him.
I tried to explain (for the millionth time) Im not trying to screw him and Im not using him I feel that this mis trust is coming from what ex wife did to him hiding his kids for all those years. I have never done anything to make him not trust me.
He justifies his anger and verbal abuse because I have not done my part and put him on title.
He was telling me this morning again all my faults and short comings, he said why am I doing this to him, that Iam abusing him with this hse. He deserves to be put on it somehow. I again told him I am not using him and never was. I told him regardless, that in no way makes it right for him to emotionally tear me down because he is not getting what he wants when he wants it. I told him that with his anger issue we have not be able to discuss this and get past this point that he can't keep his cool, I told him that he is not taking my feelings into consideration and he gets mad because Im not thinking of his feelings.
I told him I do think about his feelings and that is why I have been trying to talk with ppl and find resources to help me to understand how I can do this in away that Im comfortable with and be satisfied with my decision.
He doesn't want to listen to that. He just kept going on about the hse and how mean I am being and this is why has done what he has and why his anger comes out like that.
Bottom line: He said you know this is going to end up in divorce court. I told him "well, that doesn't sound like you care about the marriage, there are more to it then this hse and you don't want to recognize there are other issues, and that still does not give you the right to emotionally tear me down like you have been, that does not give you the right to talk and treat me the way you have been. Putting pressure on me and turning the fire up is not working, can't you see that? It takes time and money to make a right decision on this, its hard to go and see lawyer with out $$ to pay for consultation and I have to somewhat know what I'm doing and be able to ask the right questions to better understand the legal aspects of what Iam doing and also be able to understand how I can protect my share. This has been my point all along, but you don't want to listen and understand my feelings about doing this. You are destroying the marriage going about it the way you are, I have told you this so many times, you just don't want to be patient and let me work this out . Every time we have this conversation it ends up the same way, I listen to you tell me all my faults and what Im doing wrong, but we never talk about how your anger issues and verbal abuse, this seems to be okay with you, that you have rights to treat me this way because you are not getting what you want when you want it, you say if I will just put your name on, you will no longer act and treat me like this................
The conversation ended badly again, nothing resolved just hashed over the same ole thing. I still here the ultimatium, do it or else divorce.

Why can't he hear me, why can't he back down and let up on the pressure he keeps hashing over the same ole thing the hse. We never can talk about the other issues, there is never conversation about I know its wrong me treating you like this, I just don't get it. Does he not understand what Im trying to say to him? It sounds like he doesn't hear me, I can't seem to express it any better to him. His fear tactics, verbal abuse and anger has not made this any easier for me, and it has also made me fearful of him, and makes me think and feel that our marriage is nothing (feelings, consideration, etc) none of that means any thing. Its just this hse......................................
I told him so I get to where I can get enough info to make this decisoin and know that I did it wisely and then its done. What then? Im supposed love and respect you and we go on with our marriage like nothing ever happen? No hard feelings, trust and love like we were newly weds?

Im in a state of fear and emotions are rising again.
Im confused. Yesterday conversation was so mellow and different.
This morning rage and anger and put downs and ultimatim are back.

Whoa, I can't figure him out, am I stupid, blind or what?????
I don't trust...........................Why by this time can't he see what he is doing to me and the marriage. There has been no apology for his actions, he just keeps justifying them with this hse deal.
Am I wrong and is he right that Im causing him to do these things to me because Im having trouble making this decision (only because I have not gotten enough info and have had trouble knowing where to go and find resources.
One minute he says he will go to lawyer with me, then next conversation the pressure is on me to get it done.
yesterday, it was Yes he will go to counseling set it up, he will get money to pay for it.
Today, conversation was not nice, it was about how Im mean and he is acting this way because Im not putting name on, its my fault he is acting this way (his anger and verbal abuse) its all my fault, if I wouldn't be reluctant he wouldn't be acting and treating me like this.
I guess what he is trying to tell me is: once hse issue is taken care of, he will no longer act and treat me like this, that is what Im reading between the lines...
Oh, brother this is driving me crazy, and the guilt is there its all my fault...................
It blows me away that this is supposed to be acceptable. Im at fault for all this because not making decision quick enough?
This change in him, from one day to the next, conversation yesterday sounding like we were working on making some progress.
Today, its sounds the same as before, the same ole stuff, anger, put down, fault finding.......................

I need support so desperately. This is when things get foggy for me. I don't know how to read him.....................

I just feel the pressure. (no sinceretiy on his part, just justification that its okay for him to be acting and going about it in this way, Im wrong and its all my fault). Where is there love, respect, understanding, compassion.
How can I give these things to him, when all I feel is pressure and fear?

The phone call ended with him hanging up.....

I feel there is almost nothing left of feelings for ths marriage, I see alot of work to repair all the emotional damage that has been done Im not sure he would even change back to who I thought he was. First nine years of marriage I never saw this anger and have never been treated like this, it has my walls up, from past treatments in relationships. It would be a long haul for me, I just don't think I would have husbands support.
I feel the tiger has come out of his cage, (I feel he has always had anger issues from his past marriage and never in a healhty way dealt with them, so here is another thing that he had to deal with and could not control anger, I believe it is a problem for him. Could I be wrong in saying this?

feel there is almost nothing left of feelings for ths marriage, I see alot of work to repair all the emotional damage that has been done Im not sure he would even change back to who I thought he was. First nine years of marriage I never saw this anger and have never been treated like this, it has my walls up, from past treatments in relationships. It would be a long haul for me, I just don't think I would have husbands support.
I feel the tiger has come out of his cage, (I feel he has always had anger issues from his past marriage and never in a healhty way dealt with them, so here is another thing that he had to deal with and could not control anger, I believe it is a problem for him. Could I be wrong in saying this?

He keeps saying that $60,00 (equity of home is his, I owe this to him.

Im thinking ( I wish I could stop thinking) maybe I should just refinance hse and give him his $$$$, because this seems to be the importance of all this (his share $$$, that is what he is mostly concerned about) and let marriage go.
The hse mkt is really really low right now, not sure what equity is in the hse right now.
$$$$ is the issue here, I don't believe he cares about the marriage, at least that never comes up in conversation what I hear loudly is he wants on the hse so it is legal he will get his $$$$ no matter what. That is mainly what I hear.........................nothing about marriage issue feelings, respect, emotions, etc.
I feel no other way to deal with this anymore. To many things have come into this marriage because of the hse, and Im running out of emotions and just cannot clearly read between the lines as to what his true motive is. I can think I know his motive, but these actions just totally blow me away so it clouds the real issues.
I truly believe the issue is $$$. His eyes lit up that day I recieved my inheritence, he was already counting and adding it up, (this surprised me a little, but because he is sort of a child and came from a very poor family this amt of $$$ was amazing to him Im sure, I think possibly there has been envy of what I was blessed with from the very beginning.
I did not set guide lines in the beginning because I was surprised and over whelmed with what I had been blessed with, so yes Im at fault there, did not plan this out well, mentally i was incapable of even thinking that it would come to all this. I was not responsible with this responsiblity placed on me.
I have just been fighting to be able to fulfill the obligations placed on me with recieving this inheritence, my only sole intention was to safeguard what is to be passed down to my family, and so many other things have come into play to distract me of go forward with this, be it lack of knowledge and resources in the beginning, now marriage issue has been brought into it, anger issues, verbal abuse issues, and fear, all these things have effectied my thinking clearly on taking care of business, and put emotions off tilt, everything is so foggy to me right now, can't think clearly but Im trying but it has been hard to decipher through all this for me.

it sounds like your husband has some real issues with anger and money that he needs to take to professional help

but I can't help but wonder.....
But, what is YOUR underlying reason for not putting his name on the house ?
You say that you did tell him at one point that you would put his name on the house.

(if it was purchased after you were married it is probably considered joint property anyways)

I inherited the $$$ to purchase the hse. There was no mortgage until we paid of a debt of his.

Please read my post under Spouse inheritence.

And yes i do believe H had underlying anger issues that were never dealt with, so this has brought it out.
I can see that, I just don't understand that this has taken present over the marriage.

He knows a certain amt of $$ in house will be passed dwn and kept in family. we have agreed on that amt. He is fighting for his share of equity (which he considers 1/2) for amt of years we have lived in it. he has not put any $$ of his own $$ in hse except to pay for low low mortgage (which is result from equity loan taken out to pay off his debt 38,000)and regulary normal monthly bills.
If you go back and read my posts you will get a bigger picture.
Im in a delema over what has come out of all this (anger, verbal abuse) we don't talk about anything else. He has threatened divorce and marriage is slowly disengrating because he can not talk about this calmly. He says he doesn't understand why Im having such a hard time with this...............
Well, look at the ultimatiums he is giving me. I not thinking of the fact that his wife (me) is not business minded, and has not had $$ to go to lawyer to find out how you put some one on title to just give 1/2 of equity, Im completely ignorant when it comes to this sort of legal actions. So the out come from him has been pressure, verbal abuse, blaming,mind games, etc. This has put me on emotional roller coaster and I can't think clearly any more. I suspect other motives because the pressure is so intense that I do this or else divorce.

This man has a great job, great 401k and excellent retirement. I succumb to his niceness when he said I didn't have to work if I didn't want to for awhile if so I would only have to work part-time. I have some emotional issues out in work enviorment, Im not considered a quick learner, so therefore i am rediculed on the job and then eventually let go. This has been somethng Im trying to heal from and get mentally healhy to go out there again. Then all this comes up.

All i have is the hse, that is all my possession, no job, just hse. Husband has been paying all bills (normal ones, pge water phone etc. Then he went out and bought me a used car and now paying on that. (He told me the other day during a fighting conversation that his purpose for buying car was in his mind paying toward his debt) this was a surprise to me, because that was not what was said when we went out looking for a vehicle. It was under the assumption that: you need a good safe car, I don't want to have to worry about you being stranded on the side of the road with car trouble, your other car is going to start giving you mechanical problems, its best to get another one.
Whoa, what a twist.......................
He has brought other things into play because he is not getting his way when he wants it, so he is assuming Im out to screw him, which Im not, im just trying to read between his lines of what he says and then what he does his actions his treatment and inconsideration of my feelings and mentally what he is doing to me, my only concern is to protect and fulfill obligations of my parents wishes, I feel he has taken this to another level, I don't like what I see (his anger, verbal abuse, etc.

Your husband is terrible. DO NOT ever put him on the house. Please dont.

I would get a post nup agreement started if you decide to stay with him. He is pressuring you for money.

You two need to figure out who's money is who's here so you both can relax. A good post nup agreement would do that for you.

Let me say one other thing. This man does NOT love you. I would not touch him with a 10 foot pole the abusive way he is acting.

YOU PAID 40k OFF ON his DEBT??? YOU WERE FOOLISH TO DO THAT.

THANK GOODNESS YOU ARE NOT FOOLISH ENOUGH TO PUT HIS NAME ON THE TITLE OF YOUR HOME.

HE IS NOW PRESSURING YOU FOR WHATEVER MONEY HE CAN GET OUT OF YOU OR WHATEVER HOUSE EQUITY HE CAN GET.

Call up some lawyers and find one that offers a free 30 minute consultation. In my jurisdiction, the marital home is joint property between husband and wife, regardless of whose name is on the title, how it was paid for or with what money. The only way to keep inheritance money separate (ie. yours) is to keep it in an account in only your name and keep the transaction records (from estate to your account - don't ever transfer it past that). In other words, you could be fighting over this for nothing since he might be entitled to half its value regardless of whether his name is on the title or not. You really need to see a lawyer in your jursdiction because these laws vary widely from place to place.

Sorry, that doesn't solve your abuse issues.

Yep. The issue with the house and money might be a moot issue. In my state too, the house is considered joint property. He would be entitled to 1/2 of the equity created since the marriage. In many states, this is statutory law.

I'd be very surprised if your state would allow you to arbitrarily decide what he has a right to just because it's your name on the deed or loan. Consult the law before making this your hill to die on.

None of this excuses his behavior by the way. He would be smart to find out what his protections are approaching this from a logical point of view, rather than try to bully you for something that could be, effectively, meaningless.

Thx Stellacat
yes, this is my thought also, but what confuses me is he camoflauges with so many other things, then I think Im being totally what he says, selfish, greedy, screwing him out of his share, etc. My mind is so twisted right now. I can't see any feelings on his part that he cares about the marriage. It has come down to a money deal. He changes what he says daily, but it still comes down to $$$, it always comes back to Im being mean and abusing him and $$$. This is what speak loud and clear to me.

But he has made me feel all at fault for my ignorance in not knowing this would be the out come. I feel so set up all these years, now he wants to go to court.

I have to get in to see and attorney (I don't like them or trust them, they lie to you just to get your money, past experiences) but I got to do some thing to stop this.

The marriage is so far gone right now, I have negative feelings toward him so much, and no longer have trust and having trouble with respect but still tryng to be civil in all this (the strong one) but Im slowly falling apart this is starting to have the effect of a bad night mare.

I had a car that was 11yrs old, it ran really good, but it was starting to want money soaked in, little things were starting to go out. H suggested I needed a newer care with no problems,he didn't want to have to worry about me being stranded on side of road with car problems so we went out looking and bought me another used car. This was a few months after having disagreements and then made up everything was go toward getting back to normal (so i thought). So I looked up to this guy as what a man, he loves me and cares and is concerned that I will be stranded on side of road some where, how sweet.

The other day during the fight, he brought up that is why he purchased the car, it was his way of paying toward his debt that we paid off. Whoa, what a surprise for me, and I thought it was out of love, but way back then (last year) he already had set his motive for buying car, but didn't tell me that was in intention. He led me to believe it was cause he was concerned about my safety.
See its stuff like this that mixes up my head. Why is he playing with my head so severly (all over $$$$$)?????? Gosh, this hurts and causes such confusion I don't know what to believe from him any more and with the pressure and verbal abuse he is applying daily, monthly on this hse issue it causes me to take this all as red flags, and I don't know which way to turn.

The marriage is disentagrating I have told him this!!!! He continously harps on "Put me on the hse. So if I want peace just put him on hse and everything will be back to normal.

WRONG IN MY MIND, SO WRONG. HE HAS MOTIVES AND HE IS LYING TO ME THIS IS WHAT I FEEL, HE IS JUST TOO ADIMANT ABOUT GETTING ME TO DO THIS. I JUST CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT HAVING SOME CLARITY ON THE LEGAL ISSUE PART OF THIS. I BELIEVE HE IS SETTING ME UP FOR FUTURE GAIN. IM NOT THAT STUPID.

Put the house in a living trust for your own children with the stipulation that your husband can live in the house until his death should you predecease him.

Husband wants on title, and then I will do trust.
But trust doesn't hold up in a divorce.
Once he is on title I give up my rights, thats what he is pushing for NAME ON TITLE, BUT YET HE STATES HE IS ONLY WANTING 1/2 OF EQUITY. HOW DO YOU DRAW PAPERS UP FOR THAT?

AND DOES THIS MAKE EVERYTHING HE IS DOING RIGHT?
ITS OKAY FOR HIM TO TREAT ME THIS WAY AND UNDERMINE MY THINKING?

IS THERE PAPERWORK THAT PUTS HIM FOR JUST 1/2 OF EQUITY?
HE IS CLAIMING THIS BECAUSE HE HAS LIVE HERE 5 YRS. BUT MY INHERITENCE BOUGHT THE PLACE WITH NO MORTGAGE. AND BY PAYING OFF HIS DEBT I NOW HAVE MORTGAGE AND THAT IS WHAT HE HAS BEEN PAYING ON.

SO PLS EXPLAIN WHERE TRUST WILL BE GOOD ENOUGH, HE WANTS ON TITLE.

Don't get me wrong, i do appreciate your support and your suggestions it helps me to think out side the box. Know what I mean. i live in California, and yes I will check into these things you have mentioned. I thank you all so much for your suggestions and most of all your support. I hope when this mess is over i can be of some comfort to others as you are to me.
Thank you from my heart............

Go to an attorney and find out what your rights are. Find a woman friendly attorney who wont rip you off.

Then, ask about a post nup agreement that will hold up even in a divorce.

DO NOT EVER PUT HIS NAME ON THE TITLE OF YOUR HOME!

Keep good records of where the inheritance came from and where it went to:

1. Pay off your husband's debts
2. Buy the home.

You accidently married a moneygrubber husband. Now you have to find a way to survive and get thru a divorce or make it work. You need to tell him to STOP talking about putting his name on the title since IT IS NOT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!

He is trying to wear you down and eventually you will break.

I would divorce him for his abuse asap.

http://www.kinseylaw.com/clientserv2/famlawservices/property/propertydivision.html

It looks like a loophole might be that the property will remain yours if it was paid for by an inheritance from you.

Check with an attorney about this and any other way to keep your inheritance out of his moneygrubbing hands.

Where I live in Massachusetts it is very common for older adults entering into a second marriage to do this when a house or family property is involved.

For example my sister wants her house to go to her son--her only child and heir.

When she divorced she bought out her husband's share of the house they built together. A few years later she sold that house and built another house on a large parcel of land--a very valuable piece of property. Now she is remarried. If she put her second husband's name on the deed and she passed away, then her husband would inherit the house and his children, not her son, would stand in line to get the property.

What does your H have to loose by this arrangement? He gets to live in the house for the rest of his life unless he divorces you. I would be very suspicious of his intention to stay married to you.

The beauty of the Life Estate for you is is that the grant to your son is irrevocable. Once you sign those papers then your husband has nothing left to argue and pressure you about. It cannot be taken away from your son.

Yes in what Pieta is saying. I think then, if you did this trust idea, the house would not be in your name nor would it be in your husband's name. It would be in the TRUST's name for when you died.

In this case, I do not know what happens to the house in case of divorce. Find out.

Editing to say, I think it's best to see an attorney about it. I do like the idea that the girls are talking about. I would talk to an attorney about it though, and then discuss it with your husband to see what his reaction is. I think depending on how he responds, you will have a better idea what his motives are.

Sooly

California Family Code
FAMILY.CODE SECTION 770-772

770. (a) Separate property of a married person includes all of the following:
(1) All property owned by the person before marriage.
(2) All property acquired by the person after marriage by gift, bequest, devise, or descent.
(3) The rents, issues, and profits of the property described in this section.
(b) A married person may, without the consent of the person's spouse, convey the person's separate property.

Although, of course, definitely consult with a local attorney.

Be back later, my situation might help.

Thank you Thank you all!!!!!!!!!!!!
yep, I need to see an attorney, thank you for repeating and repeating I needed the nudge.

thank you all so much for the suggestions and most of all your support.
I have drawn a little strength from all your replies, Im so grateful for this forum.

he keeps calling I won't answer phone, i need space and time to sort and think this all out. i don't need the continous abuse and hashing over the same ole words. He has shown me how very cunning and manipulate he is being. If I don't hear it and get pulled into over and over. I am gaining clarity and strength.

The Lord is bringing many things to memory of different ways husband has tried to get me to invest $$$ into material things for his pleasure and get rich quick scams, he got angry at those times to, when I wouldn't go on spree with equity $$ in home.

When i had to get equity loan to pay his debt, he saw how much equity I had, and that is when he tried to get me to spend here and there, invest here and there on get rich scams. Oh wow, my eyes are open now.

Wow, i would never of thought him this way. he was always so loving and giving and generous. I feel it was all evil motives on his side to gain financially. Oh, how I feel I've been fooled into thinking he loved me.
i have pulled way back now. right now I don't want anything from him. I feel tricked, set up.

Yes, my H has many issues, i believe they are slowly all being exposed.

I feel I have one big problem and fight on my hands to salvage and keep from losing a big part of the inheritence.
Pray for me please........................

Take this one step further today or early tomorrow and make an appointment with a good lawyer. It isn't enough to agree with people here. You need to make that step and do something proactive about it.

Also, remember that alot of times we bring on a lot of our own anxiety by offering more information than we need to.

Work quietly to educate yourself. Keep your records in a safe place, possibly at someone else's home, and gain strength in the knowledge of what your rights are.

Please be frank with your lawyer. Talk to him about the intimidation you're dealing with, and ask him what to do. If your natural instincts are telling you to be wary and suspicious, there's a reason for that. It's often when we shrug off our instincts to protect ourselves that we get hurt...

Be honest and tell your lawyer that your husband has 1 foot out the door on this issue and that he is using it as an ultimatum of sorts, when you fear that if given what he perceives as his half, he will walk anyway.

I guess I'm one of those people who believes your lawyer is someone who really needs to know the intricacies of your personal situation in order to assess things and know best how to protect you.

Thank You so much, Soolee for your advice, its good. Yeah, Im thinking about this too.

My fear is finding a good lawyer. (always seem to get ripped off, or aftermonths you find their not doing their job but asking for more money from you and you have to fire them)
Or during the consultation that say yea they can help you.
Then once you pay the retainer (everything changes).

I can't even read my H clearly after 16yrs, Im suppose to be able to read a lawyer if he is good or not?

There is alot of fear here for lawyer searching.

I think it's really hard to tell a good lawyer from a not-so-good lawyer by looking in the phone book. I think if you know of anyone in your social circle who has been through a similar situation, you should give them a call and see who they used, if they liked the lawyer, etc. It seems to me that your situation is sort of complex and might require a lawyer who specializes in possibly wills and estates, along with family law or even divorce.

I think as a last ditch effort, you can call the offices of various law places and give them a brief rundown of your situation to see if they think they can help you or advise you regarding what kind of lawyer you should use.

Here's one website, though it is obviously not all inclusive:

http://lawyers.nolo.com/#browse

Good luck with everything. I wouldn't tell him where you're going or anything. It's only going to tick him off to know you're educating yourself on your rights. Keep any new information you learn to yourself for now.

And if he really moves out and you think things are done, you may want to allow the lawyer to handle things for you. Just refer your soon-to-be ex to your lawyer and let the lawyer earn his fee.