S-55,

You already knew your fear of letting him in.

That is not the answer.


I will guide you.

What you have to understand about me is that I cannot outright tell you this answer, because if I do, you will not


learn

the answer, and therefore it will not mean anything to you.

Start thinking about this for your path.


Why would a person need to be with someone who kept up a facade and maintained distance?

Don't think about this being YOU. Think about it as someone you do not know.

List the first three things that come to your mind. Do not avoid the first three things, list them for me. Fast as they come to you, list them. Do not weed anything out, no matter how stupid they might seem to you.

SB

S-55,

I need to talk to you about what happened in my life regarding sex. It is important to me to tell you this, and I'm not sure why. I feel compelled to write this, and I haven't talked about my feelings about this before. It is my "confession" on the boards on this topic. Here goes.

Prior to the affair, my husband and I had what I consider a fairly normal sex life for people married 30 years. We had a "routine", of course, having grown fairly familiar with one another.

I wanted more, and of course now I know he wanted more. I failed to initiate more often. I was not comfortable in this area, feeling less experienced than he is. Our backgrounds in sex are much different. He was very experienced, having been in the Navy and somewhat older than I was, a world-traveled man and single for awhile before he married me. I was raped and molested as a child, and had just one consensual sexual partner before I met my H.

Our sex life was pleasurable, but I always felt that I was not his sexual equal. I took my cues from him, and as we aged our frequency reduced. He took more interest in porn (he always was somewhat interested) and as his interest in the other woman rose, his interest in me declined. At one point, he told me that he "did not need sex anymore".

I should have taken this with alarm, which I sort of did, but did not associate it with an affair, but with his declining interest in ME as a person and sexual partner. I took it to mean that I had gained too much weight and pretty much disgusted him, and that he would rather just deal with porn, because he had started to ignore my flirtations anyway.

I need to add that my interest in sex declined when I had a total hysterectomy, followed by some changes in medication for a neurological disorder. I wasn't thrilled by his lack of interest in me, but I also wasn't crushed, because it sort of meant that I wouldn't have so much worry about our lack of sex life anymore.

But I did worry - because it was out of character for him.

Then d-day came.

And about two weeks later

C-DAY CAME.

My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer almost immediately following d-day.

Which meant that it was completely possible that following his prostate surgery, he would never be able to have sexual intercourse again.

And the last woman he would ever remember

would be

THE OTHER WOMAN.




I was now faced with more tragedy than I could conceive. A rush to consider the affair in the context of the scheme of survival, recovery of a marriage versus recovery of cancer, recovery of a sex life against the remorse of what I could have, should have, and all the regrets of what had gone before and I had so foolishly squandered of our sex life.

The reality of what the now glaringly not so simple act of

making love with my husband

came to mean to me was now staring me in the face.


What was once something I could say seemed "a chore" or was "a routine" was now the most precious and treasured act we had between us.

We both clung to one another, full of remorse for different reasons.

His remorse for his affair and not valuing our marriage and maintaining our exclusivity, my remorse for not valuing this precious interaction and sharing it with him as often and as freely as I should have.


We prayed. We wept.

And we made love like there was no tomorrow - because for us, there might not have been.


We are now nearly upon three years post d-day....post C-day.

And coming up soon, 3 years post surgery.

He is able to "perform".

We make love again, after a long hiatus. And we are grateful for this gift.

I will never again squander an opportunity as precious as this. I look back and I think about those many times when we could have, and didn't - because we were just a little tired, or one of us was a bit cranky, or maybe I didn't shave my legs, or maybe we wanted to watch the end of the show, or finish the paper, or, or, or, or.........all opportunities to show love to my H.

I wish I had each and every one of those moments back, because I would run naked through the house shouting "Hurry to the bedroom!!!!!!" and leave a trail of lingere behind me.

Hey, that's a new idea for tomorrow...or tonight...


I guess what I'm trying to say is that you might want to start taking baby steps toward loving your H again. Each step just may open your heart to the next. Maybe my story can help with getting you back to opening your heart and letting him in again.

SB

SB-
Thank God you came back on line to help me answer this question. i totally understand why you wont tell me- why i need to figure it out.

only when i get it- will it really mean something to me and help me change.

OK- here are my 3 answers-( i have to tell you - i am a little nervous about being wrong and way off base)

The person who needs to be with someone with a facade and distant must be because-

1. That person also wants distance and has a facade.

2. That person also fears rejection - so likes the distance.

3. That person likes the facade of the other person better than the real person.

are any of these close?? truthfully - when you told me to do it fast and not think about how it applies to me- only number 1 jumped out at me. i had to struggle to come up with numbers 2 and 3.

could it be that i wanted the distance deep down???

SF

SB-

Thank you for sharing that beautiful and personal story with me.
I am so happy for you that your sex life is great now and that your H is doing well post C.

For sure- your story made me cry and feel some of the same remorse of all the moments wasted between my H and i.

Our sex story-

When we first met- my H had many casual relationships, but only one serious one in high school and did not really know how to please a woman. I had only one serious relationship before him, but in that relationship i had wonderful sex with a young, caring man. We learned how to please each other as we were both virgins.

I was shocked the first time I had sex with my husband, because it was terrible and his macho, experienced persona, led me to believe that it would be great. I never said anything to criticize or suggest anything, because i could sense that he was too fragile in this area.

After we married, we had to discuss some of his problems - and found some solutions to them. i dont want to get too graphic here.

He was always disturbed that i was not a virgin. this old fashioned belief was still in his head. i think he felt threatened that i had some experience.

After a few years, we began to try to have children. After awhile, we found out that the reason i wasnt pregnant was because of his sperm. The doctors did all kinds of procedures to my H to improve his sperm count, but nothing worked.

i know this was a tremendous blow to his ego, but we never spoke about it. he buried it somewhere and i was afraid of hurting him by bringing it up.

i did become pregnant once with his sperm, using IVF and had an early miscarriage.

Then after we adopted my two wonderful sons, we continued fertility treatments. nothing worked and he agreed to let me try donor sperm. I got pregnant right away, but had a miscarriage again. This time at 4 months.

i can not put into word what this did to our sex life.

we didnt have a great sex life to begin with, and my H never wanted to discuss ways to improve it. he would become angry.

after 10 years of him having to perform on command and knowing about his low sperm, we had absolutely no idea of how to have sex for pleasure. sex was scheduled and only for reproduction.

after we adopted our 2 sons at the same time, there was hardly any time or energy for sex. but if i remember correctly - these years were probably our happiest sexually. not great, but not terrible.

He started affairs when my sons were about 5. When he started, he continuously rejected me. one time, he had trouble performing. he blamed me. it was ugly. i told him that he never compared to my first boyfriend in bed.

boy- i must have really pushed him to the other women.

then i often tried, and once in a while he tried, but we had terrible sex about once a year. he rejected me over and over.

we never got this area of our life right. maybe this should have been a big clue that we were headed for trouble.

i was so blind. he began to use viagra, and kept it in his briefcase. when i asked him why- he said so our boys wouldnt find it. now i know that he was using it with his women.

anyway- nwo that he wants me ...... i dont want him.

i feel sorry that for most of my adult life- at least the 12 years of his cheating - he was having tons of sex and i was having none. i lost out on my prime years from 40 to 52.

i know that i need to feel emotion and fall in love wiht him again before i will want him to touch me. i hope the love deposits that he is making will help, but he still makes love withdrawals too.

we will be doing the ENs this weekend.

sf

S-55,


Read numbers 1 and 2 and 3.



Now all you need to do is explore those feelings and thoughts about yourself. See, the reflection here is that you probably liked the distance - it protected you.

From what? THAT IS THE QUESTION YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF.

The answer is what you truly seek, don't you think?

***************************




Thank you for your sex story.


What does it say to you? Why do you think you are now distant for sex? That answer just literally jumped out at me. Big time.



It almost smacked me in the face. Ouch, and it hurt.

Did the two of you ever tell this story to a counselor?

If you haven't already done it, re-read your story.

Tell me what you would tell me if it were mine, S-55. What do you see there?


SB

<threadjack>schoolbus, you are AMAZING. I love your posts. </threadjack>

Sunflower, I don't know what to say to you but I do think you're a smart, strong, introspective person and I can see that wherever this journey takes you, you are going to be great.

I guess I do have something little to say - nothing wise like SB, but still...

Don't push yourself to love your H. He has to earn that love. The onus is on him to earn your love and trust, not on you to give it.

At the same time, though, do allow yourself to SEE his efforts. Don't turn a blind eye to them - some of the things he has done are so very, very huge. Can you imagine calling the other person on speaker phone and saying those things in front of your spouse? Not knowing if your spouse was going to walk right out the door? Not knowing what the other person would do? And doing it over, and over, and over again until it was all done.

You don't have to love him, he has to earn that. Do try to see his efforts and appreciate them for what they are. No more, no less.

Somewhere on here Harley writes about the three states of a relationship - intimacy, conflict, and withdrawal. Try to find that and read through it. See if you think you are withdrawn from your H. If you are, his efforts won't result in deposits being made to your love bank. If you think you are withdrawn, try to figure out why. It's not something that needs to be fixed, just understood.

Hey TH, thanks!

But I was once told that if you begin to think you are really cool, go and try to tell someone else's dog what to do. It will put you in your place.

So I try to keep my head about me, in case I run across someone else's dog.

SB

SB-
seriously - how do you know so much????? its like you have a straight line into my life and can figure me and my H out. HOW??????????

ok - i read 1, 2, and 3 again.

it is hard for me to see taht i probably wanted the distance. if i did, why was i always chasing him to be close to me, to go to therapy, to talk, etc.????

was this MY facade????? did i really just want to see what he would do for me b/c i knew he hated intimacy???

if i wanted distance, why was i so needy for his love and approval??

as i type, i think and some things come to me.

maybe i thought the distance PROTECTED ME FROM BEING REJECTED AND HURT. maybe as long as i pursued him,i was in control of the distance, but now that he is pursuing me, HE is in control of the distance and i dont want him to get too close.

if he gets too close, then he will see...that i am not worth loving- unloved and abused by my mother. that i could feel the same pain i felt when she rejected me. that i needed to protect myself from ever feeling that pain again, so i picked a man who would distance himself and abuse me.

and when he wants to come close.... i push him away. afraid to be hurt.

IS THAT IT??? OMG - could this really be????

SF

SB- about the sex story.

am i distant for sex b/c i dont know if he became a good lover during all his affairs??

if he did - what would that say about me???

that I was the problem - not him???

i always thought that how could a man that sucked at sex have sex with so many women so many times and they liked it???

either -- he got better
they didnt know good sex OR
they faked it.

i am afraid to know. i asked him and he told me the only way i would know is if we tried.

NO - we have never told the whole story to a counselor. i think we will soon. we have stopped our sessions in the summer.

what would i tell you...hmmmm

i guess that the man's basic manhood was attacked by his inability to please me, his inability to impregnate me and his inability to perform.

well- what could i have done about it???

i guess i could have tried to be more understanding???

i feel like i am missing something.

do i have it schoolbus????

SF

PS - he never wore a condom and he had sex hundreds of times. he never even discussed birth control or if the woman was using it.

was he trying to impregnate someone- anyone???

TH-

Thanks for the support and believing in me- it felt so good!

i also agree that my H has to earn my love and trust.

the problem is taht change is not a totally upward journey- it is one step forward and two steps back. he literally changes one day, and then steps backwards the next...so i still feel unsure of his changes and am unwilling to open my heat to him again.

i try to give him credit for the changes he DOES do- but probably not nearly enough. i will try to do more.

there were so many mistakes he made in the beginning- wallowing for 8 months - feeling sorry for himself and not feeling my pain. ( now that i look back - this was typical of his selfish behavior)

it was like he was asleep for his whole life and he WOKE UP and discovered who he was and what he was doing and he was HORRIFIED.

this was so hard for me to understand until i got hypnotized this week. the hypnotist explained that our conscous mind protects our true self-which is our sub-conscous. our conscous mind does things and keeps our sub-conscous safe. this seems to be how he was able to not feel guilt and function for all that time.

our therapist explains it that "anger overrides guilt". he was walking around angry at me because - 'i didnt love him' which was BS- he really meant that i didnt worship him enough.

anyway- i will check out those stages of marriage on this web site, thanks, SF

SCHOOLBUS....WHERE ARE YOU???????????????

ARE YOU AWAY?????

i am anxiously waiting for your sage opinions of my thoughts.

i am leaving on vacation out of the country on sunday and wont be back until next sunday, aug 31- so if you are reading this - PLEASE answer to i can leave with a clear head.

i think i already have decided that i liked the distance deep down because it protected me. the other stuff i need help with.

HELP!!!!

SF

S-55,

Yes, you like distance.

But not because it protects you.

It means that you don't have to _____________.


Fill in the blank.


That is Task 1.




Task 2: You have hit some of this on the head and are pulling in the right direction with seeing that your family of origin is similar to the marriage you chose.

The nature of people is often that we need similarity.

I would say this for you to chew on, and you can think about it: If this marriage were "normal", would you stay?

Think before you answer. People who have such imbalance in their lives often may find it difficult to live in a "normal" relationship. Do you seek imbalance because it is what you see, and have lived with, as "normal"?



Task 3: Now, reevaluate the distance issue in terms of tasks 1 and 2.





And yes, the sexual issue for your H - I think he probably had affairs partially because he felt emasculated in not being able to impregnate you. Then, when the sex between the two of you fell off, it somewhat confirmed it in his mind. So he had something to prove to himself, to the world. He is a "man" a great lover, whatever. He needed that EN met. Now, that gap between the two of you is very wide.

He may be right, that mending it may only be done by jumping into the water. Your fears about his becoming a great lover, etc., those are fears you need to talk to him about. You two are something like virgins to one another again, in a way. Both of you have lots of fears about this. I would say that you shouldn't pressure each other, but that you might want to spend time petting, skin-to-skin contact, and with physical affection that you are comfortable with. Slow ramp-up, as you and he both become more trusting and able. You will know when you are both ready, and not a moment before. It will happen in its time, right?

I mean, is someone sitting there with a stopwatch or something???? Do the sex police have your address?

sb-

just got home from vacation- and ran to the computer to see what you and Pep had to say to me.

Yours is sooo deep. ok- here i go.

i like distance because i dont have to..... be close to someone else?? show him the real me???

i dont know!!! HELP- ANOTHER CLUE PLEASE!




if this marriage was normal - would i stay??

this is so different because i have seen myself as fighting for a close relationship my whole life and you have just turned my self concept upside down and how i think of myself....

BUT my family of origin- Yes - they were unbalanced and not normal- so i dont know how to handle a close normal relationship??

did i seek out a messed up relationship to copy my parents?

of course this had to be unconscious.

its like i have been shaping my life to think i want one thing when my sub-conscous has been seeking the opposite??

could this really be??

i dont know - i am so confused.

maybe i am not who i thought i was at all.

SF

ok- our sex life-

i agree that the low sperm definitely emasculated him and the fact that he could never talk about it confirms that.

BUT this is NO excuse to cheat on me.



i KNOW all the reasons - but i was living the same unhappy life and stayed in and did the best i could because i didnt want to hurt him.

he didnt care or love me enough not to care about hurting me.

i agree taht we are like virgins here'

i told him that its like we are not married- and now are dating and that we can hopefully move on to being more physical as we learn to love each other again..

i really think we need a sex therapist.

SF

S-55,

Glad you're back.

The things you are thinking of are very good. You are right, you sought out what you knew - you lived in an imbalanced home as a kid, and so that felt natural to you.

When you grew up, you sought out what seemed normal. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It is what you saw as normal, and that is it.

In my life, I did that with my first boyfriend. I did not make the same mistake with my marriage (although there has been infidelity, the nature of our relationship is "normal" otherwise). Somehow, between the two relationships, in the blink of an eye, I had an epiphany and saw this error and made the right choice in permanent mates.

So now that you understand what's happened, I can lead you the rest of the way.

You have this relationship where you have imbalance. You chose it for a reason - because it seems "normal" to you. That normalcy gives you a sense of security, or safety, or keeps you in a sense of balance.

You don't have the blank filled in correctly, though. That word that goes in the blank is:


CHANGE.


See, if you had to change, then that would mean that you would have to face a whole new world - and that is you would have to face a relationship with this husband that would fall into the realm of the REAL "NORMAL".

I asked the question about whether or not you would stay in the relationship if it was normal, because I wanted to see your thoughts on that. You expanded as I thought you would, giving thoughts about your family of origin, and reflecting that you see the threads of that home pulling into your marital home life.

What I am asking you to evaluate here is whether or not you see that your husband's changes

and he has changed - you say this yourself

whether his changes are forcing you to deal with something radically different in your life: a relationship that is built on a more "normal" foundation. You haven't had that before.

The relationship you had with him (and with your family of origin) was not built this way. It was built on a facade, and the dynamic between the two of you was there because it had a level of protection in it. Now, he has removed that. You have withdrawn, because your experience has only been with him in a relationship that involves a LACK of true involvement and interaction.

Now that he offers it, you resist. I ask if you resist because the only type of relationship you really know is one in which there is "imbalance", and you fear that a "normal" relationship will not offer what you know and actually have become used to - distance, drama, lack of involvement, no need for true commitment because of the independent nature of the relationship, etc.


There are additional reasons I ask this. The main reason is that you have mentioned the lack of sex between the two of you, and I sense there has been so much more than that to the distance between the two of you for so long. I read so much from your posts, that you have felt almost separate from him for so long that you were almost two people living in the same house but not connected..............for too long.........and now he is coming back home.

And you don't know how to welcome him back.


What are your thoughts?

SB

SB-

i havent been able to respond as i have been thinking about your post for an entire day. you have opened my eyes to who i really am, and what i am running from.



i have to finally face the truth about myself.... and it is a hard one for me to swallow.

i DO think that the length of time of my FWH's infidelity, his number of affairs, who he had the As with, his flaunting his As in my face and in social situations, have added to my pain and have added to my desire to distance myself.

Perhaps ....

any spouse would be devastated by learning that their spouse had done what mine did....and i DO have a right to feel distance and fear of opening myself to him.

One of my thoughts- all of your thoughts make sense, if he had been faithful- i could say YES. but the cheating and lying...

ARENT THEY ALSO REASONS FOR MY DISTANCING MYSELF????

HOW DO THEY FACTOR IN TO ALL THE REASONS??

i tend to think that it was a piece of it, but my FOO issues are also there. maybe 50-50.

but i dont know how to welcome him back - or to believe that we can actually have a normal, happy marriage.

so... how do i DO this? is recognizing it the first step? what do i do next??



i do need to add- that this has thrown my concept of myself upside down. i have been thinking that i was so innocent and the victim- when deep down- i was seeking a sick , broken marriage myself- it was what i knew.

now i choose HAPPINESS AND LOVE.

but its like i see it- but i dont know how to get it into my life.....

any ideas????

SF

Something strange just happened with my computer, and I couldn't see some of the posts.

I've been sick for a few days, so let me read your reply and then post back!
SB

s-55

Your last post - print it out and save it.

When you are confused, re-read it.


You see in your post that complexity issue?????? So much goes into why your marriage is a confused relationship - why you have difficulties approaching your husband for SF, and knowing his past why he acted out the way he did. There is not a single reason, this is a complex fabric woven over many years, and you can't expect yourself to understand it or fix it in one year.


It explains why you are having the mixed feelings, and why your husband is going through the things he is going through, too. The complexity of this - FOO, your situation, the distancing, the fears, the "habits" of so many years. You put it all in one small post - you encapsulated it well.


And then in the end you say the most profound thing, sunflower55.


YOU say it. Nobody had to say it to you, or for you.


Do you see why that is profound?


Happiness and Love
They are CHOICES.

Indeed they are.


See, each and every day we wake up. Sometimes, we wake up happy, for absolutely no explainable reason. We just wake up "happy". It isn't because we woke up suddenly rich, or woke up with a new marriage, or woke up with all of our fantasies suddenly come true, right? Just some days, we wake up feeling pretty great! That tells us that it doesn't take a certain set of conditions, or certain objects, or certain people, or certain...anything...to "make" us happy. We can arise happy. That it doesn't take a "reason" to be happy - that happiness exists outside of a "reason". And we CAN CHOOSE IT.


We can also choose to love.


Choosing love and happiness - a novel idea, S-55.


I was thrilled to see that your FWH is working on and reading the MB books. He also wants to understand - to do his own seeking.

You ask "how" to welcome him back.

I wonder - why you ask that?

I think you are working on paving that road. The fact that you want to - that you are trying to welcome him back, that he is reading and working, that you are here, that all of this effort toward

change

should tell you that you (and he)

must have the essential ingredients to make that welcome back inevitable.


I think this quote tells you about at least one of the ingredients.



The "truth" about you? I think that I see someone willing to do some pretty tough work. I see a strong woman, facing a challenge, working through it, looking for guidance, and accepting the idea that it isn't going to be a smoothly paved road.

And willing to walk it anyway.


Your FWH - one lucky man.

SB

wow- SB-
thank you so much for the beautiful and encouraging note.

i am complemented and strengthened by your support and belief in me- in my efforts to change myself, in my strength and belief in my marriage, in my openness to your suggestions, in my confusion of my feelings, in my search to understand the infidelity, in my
distancing of my H, in it ALL.

You words blew me away. i guess i dont have such great self esteem YET- another area i am working on.

I need to believe the positives about myself too- and that will give me the strength to make the changes in myself and in our marriage.

When i believe in myself - i am more open to change. when i feel bad about myself- i cower in the same little corner and put up my walls to stay safe.

I have printed out my last post as well as yours, and will reread them often.... to give me strength and encouragement when i am feeling fear and uncertainty.

i see the complexity issue- and that IS why i am confused. i feel like a have a giant puzzle in front of me and i am struggling to put in all the pieces. the puzzle is my life and i need to understand it to grow and change and move forward. I will keep working on this puzzle, but each piece that fits in- makes me feel more complete- more sure of my future.

My "profound" statement as you say- of me CHOOSING happiness and love- i do CHOOSE it- i want it so much- yet i still struggle to create it. i KNOW i will get there because i can see these things as my goals.

I too am thrilled with my H's involvement in the MB books, in his committment to the marriage and to me. His growth is very strange - it is like he is a Jekyl and Hyde. Like when he was cheating and lying and rude and selfish and work-obsessed- that was NOT the real him. Then he was Rumplestilskin- he woke up from a bad dream and discovered what he had been doing and and was totally disgusted. He is totally open to change too... only his change is coming alot slower sometimes than what i need to see- which leads me to feeling confused about our future.

I need to accept and realize that HE IS NOT ME. he will change at his own pace, in his own way.

I too feel that we have the "essential ingredients to make that welcome back inevitable."

It is just a matter of STRENGTH, COMMITTMENT AND FACING OUR FEARS.

i dont know you - but i thank you from the bottom of my heart. You took your time to help a compete stranger learn to make sense of herself and learn to believe in herself.

with much appreciation, SF

My husband does not read this forum. He feels like it is somehow my place to gather strength, and has used the MB concepts via reading the books and working with me. He is not an internet kind of guy, as he puts it.

He came in a few days ago while I was reading one of your posts, and read over my shoulder, which is highly unusual for him. He tries not to do that, because he doesn't want to "invade" my space (he says), or make me feel uncomfortable about anything. I wouldn't, of course, but he is funny about it - wanting me to feel completely free to say anything about him that I want to. I wonder if he thinks I would say bad things??? I need to ask him that, it never occurred to me......

Anyway - my point - I almost forgot!

He was reading over my shoulder on one of your posts. He got tears in his eyes, and said that your post was "poetic". He said that you were strong, and that he thought that your husband must feel like he did, afraid that you would leave him because you had figured out how stupid he really was.

My H is fragile at times, still, nearly three years out from d-day.

Your husband's timeline for recovery seems slower than yours, yes.

My husband's did, too. In fact, at about six months out, I was ready to walk out the door. Right after I punched him as hard as I could.............but I didn't do either. I love-busted, and cried, and just broke down. Then, I picked up the pieces and read some more, posted some more, and walked some more down the recovery highway. A little worse for the wear at that point. But I kept walking.

At about a year after d-day, I did it again. I don't know. I guess I just forgot the lesson I supposedly learned at six months.

At around 18 months, instant replay. Is that instant three-play???

I suppose that the vets will tell us that we go through cycles. The problem is that the BS and the WS cycle at different times, about different things.

Maybe that isn't a "problem", really. Because if you think about it, if both the BS and WS were cycling at the same time about the same thing, there would probably be more divorces!

I learned that after the one-year mark I was doing a little better in the cycling business. I seemed better able to deal with those triggering events, and the highs and lows seemed like they started leveling out some. Maybe it had to do with the fact that all of those anniversaries had now passed, and I was through the one-year mark. Maybe it was some psychological thing, that if I made one year, I could do something more, I could make it through, period.

I was frustrated, and sometimes still am, that I do not fully comprehend the initiation and inner-workings of the decisions and carrying-ons of affairs. I do, however, understand SO much more about human nature, and about myself after these (almost) three years.

You've just begun. When I was where you are, I wanted to KNOW the answer. I felt that if I could only search the Internet, read enough, ask enough people, know enough about affairs, dig deep enough into my own or my H's psyche that somehow I could find that answer.

That somehow, "it" had something to do with my own faults.

That somehow, "it" had ME to blame.

That somehow, "it" rested with with my failings as a person.

And I would prove that to myself - one way or another. Because I was certain of this "fact" in my head, because over my life I was drilled that if "it" went wrong, "it" was MY FAULT.







Truth is, the people who told me that were wrong.







And I had to let that go.









I have let that go.










You can, too.












You CAN choose happiness and love.












SB