Wife an I are out to dinner last night. A good evening. We stop at the bar before leaving and meet a couple and start talking. We talk for a few minutes and evenutualy agree to shoot a game of pool. We soon find out the woman is married and the guy is single. During conversation this guy comments that he is likable by everyone and my W jokes that she does not like him, so during the evening this is back and forth joking like this, how everyone loves him and my wife denies him jokingly. Well after the game we say our goodbyes and get ready to leave and to my suprise my W embraces this guy, hugs him.

Now am I wrong to think this is acceptable behavior, because I did not appreciate it and mentioned it to her. Now we are just distant. To me this is simalar behavior to what enabled the affair and behavior I commented on recently. I am not saying what happened would lead to an affair, but the behavior bothers me.

CG

Some people are naturally more touchy feely. But I hope that you told your wife that this type of behavior makes you uncomfortable. Did you?

It is at this point that you both should have walked away. Why hang out with a couple who is probably involved in adultery? This is part of extraordinary protection for your marriage. And yes, it was inappropriate for your wife to be hugging this man.

Once you realised that this married woman was at a bar with a single man....why did you continue to socialize with them??? And yes it was inappropriate for your wife to flirt with him and give basically a stranger a hug.

I explained what I preceived to have happened and how I felt about it. She didn't know why she does it and is it harmless? I dont think a touchy feely wayward is a good combination?

Or maybe I'm just too sensitive?

You are not off base, Coeur_Gros.

The guy was trying the "cocky and funny" pickup technique* and your FWW fell for it. Quite simple, really. I wouldn't be surprised if he asked for her number or if she visited that bar often, etc.

Of course, you could have cut the guy off at the pass (pun intended) by calling him on it with a comment like "you're not trying that silly cocky and funny pickup technique on my WIFE now, are you?". Not only would that have likely stopped him in his tracks, or at least put him on guard, it would have alerted your FWW that you were not comfortable with what was going on between her and the guy.


PS - I actually *subscribe* to one or two mailing lists that actually talk about this pickup techniques. Not that I'm actually going to try them. LOL - I want to spot when they are being tried on my FWW! A lot of the guys here simply have no respect for the sanctity of M and consider any woman a challenge, even the M'd ones.

If your wife feels that touching other men is harmless...she's still a carbon copy of a wayward in training.

So were they a "couple couple" or just friends?

Maybe the guy just likes to be friendly with everyone?

I know that some will automatically assume that they are having an affair. Were they touchy-feely with each other or did they just appear to be best buds?

Maybe just me but I just tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to that. Probably because I have friends that are male that have been my friends since junior high and high school. And that's all we ever were.

I didn't hang out with them when WH-Mr. Gray was still around because it bothered him. Well, that's because his boundaries are all screwed up. I just didn't know it then.

Charlotte

You just told her 2 months ago you didn't like this when she did it before. What would telling her something she already KNOWS accomplish?

Of course you shouldnt like it. I wouldn't like it, my H wouldn't like do. So, of course, my H and I would not do it because we don't want to hurt the other one.

The problem isn't her hugging but her lack of respect and care for you. THAT is the problem.

The couple were business associates I assumed, as they were sponsers for a boat show. The guy was a friendly type and maybe was harmless. My issue was with my W and how she handles herself in these situations.

It is a behavior I have addressed with her previously.

GROUNDHOG DAY!

Need Some Help - Melt Down #2053657 - 05/07/08 12:24 PM


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=150437&Number=2053657#Post2053657

The problem isn't her hugging but her lack of respect and care for you. THAT is the problem.

I think it's poor boundaries on her part, or even a lack thereof.

That quote from CG's previous post sounded like another pickup technique in action too.

Here's the thing - CG's FWW may feel a little uncomfortable when they're being practiced on her, but she may not know how to stop them cold. She thinks she might be "offending" the guy by indicating that she was not really comfortable with what he was doing. These guys know how to take advantage of such situations, to push the boundaries to get what they want.

CG, how much "experience" did your WW have with dating, relationships, etc. before the two of you connected?

Prior to the start of my relationship with my FWW, I used to go our clubbing with a cousin of mine - gorgeous woman in a serious relationship at the time (her BF was away studying), and she had a real eye for them. I used to get a good chuckle seeing her stop them dead in their tracks with their tired lines, their "cocky and funny" attitude, the "kino" and other tricks of the trade. "Hey - I've never seen you here before?" "Maybe I was hiding from you!"

Ohhhhhhh.....I get it now. Thanks for clarifying. I didn't realize you had this issue with her previously.

Charlotte

I am seeing this all too well these days. Its just a shame after two years of hard work and change, I still deal and confront these core issues

~Charlotte

In counseling this was brough up about her identifying with men as what happened the other night. I think these behaviors stem from her troublesome childhood, but I am no expert, and she has the ability to seek professional help, but chooses not to.

So I deal with her issues when I am comfronted with them. Sometimes I just second guess myself, as I want to be fair to the both of us, and I am not even sure she is completely aware of what she is doing when this occurs or the total impact it has.

This behavior goes back from before we met and I met her when she was 18, she is 47 now. Thats a lot of time to ingrain this bad behavior.

~MIM

She was very young and nieve when we met, as was I. We know her boundaries were lacking or non exsistant prior to d-day. Most MB concepts were foriegn to us.

This has been an education for us, unfortunately it always seems to come at someones expense.

~Believer

And this is the "Crux" of the issue. My W is very outgoing and very friendly, always has been, and at times this has maybe played off my own insecurities? I don't know, except to say these behaviors of a period of may years has left me uncomfortable and eventually to an affair.

So is this a lack of respect for me or a lack of her own boundaries, or both?

Bingo. Same here! I think she likes the attention she gets, but doesn't recognize the danger in it sometimes, until it's too late.



It could be also that she does know her boundaries, but does not know how to effectively protect them. You may have discussed with that you are not comfortable when other guys seem to be "coming on" to her, but have you discussed what she believes she should actually do to stop such action in its tracks before it reaches confrontation level? Is this something that you've actually talked about, or is it more the case that the assumption's been made that once she knows about her boundaries, she should know how to protect them?

Another thing is, IMO there's nothing stopping you from stepping in to give assistance, and letting your W know by your actions, not necessarily your words, that you've recognized a situation that could lead to some boundary pushing and conflict between the two of you. The trick is to do this BEFORE it becomes a conflict issue. I'm guessing, but perhaps you tend to step back to see what you W would actually do, rather than step in before it's too late?

~MIM

I believe she knows her boundaries, and I believe she know she over stepped them, she may not have at the time, I don't know. We have not really been able to talk completely about this incident as yet.

And I know she enjoyed this attention in the past. Old behaviors are sometimes hard to change and take time.

We have discussed what should be done, this even came up in counseling, and I was told to back off and let her deal with her own issues. By my doing for her just reinforced her need not to?

As to the conflict, it was mine alone, as she did not see her behavior as wrong at the time, otherwise this would not have happened. Hopegully we talk this through today?

Thanks MIM

CG