Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Heard all the same garbage. Interesting that aparently all it takes to justify cheating is telling yourself, "You know, my marriage is over. I'm going to start screwing other men."

That's fantastic logic.

Heck, by that logic, then all of us should be justified to cheat.

"I think today I will decide not to be married anymore. I'm not going to tell my spouse. I'm just going to act on it.

Ummm. Let's see. She looks good. How about a roll in the hay?

Well that was fun. You know, I think I change my mind. I DO want to stay married. Please ignore my infidelity. I was in a different state of mind at the time."

Makes perfect sense, no?

I'd like to know if there was ever a happily married woman that cheated because things were wonderful with her husband and her marriage. That's something I'd be very interested in hearing.

Stop listening to the madness. Who cares what she tells herself so she can sleep at night.

It's cheating. No matter how you spin it she's still married to you.

Every BH I've seen here panics when exposure happens because the WW gets mad. It's expected. Believe me, you're doing the right thing and you're doing it correctly.

Exposure brings the ugliness of the cheating into the open. It puts pressure on the person doing it and those involved.

Don't panic or lose hope. Her response is typical garbage and is predictable. It's a script. If their infidelity and cheating was ok they wouldn't have a problem with others knowing.

You've done the right things. Don't be afraid of her anger. It will pass.

Good job, NoName! Don't get sidetracked by her fogbabble!!! Once you can accept that she is fogged out(think crack addict), you will be able to stick to your plan better.

Get to know the Carrot and the Stick as well as you can. This thread can help you...it also includes what to expect after exposure.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788#Post1640788

Hang in there.

GREAT!!!!


Stop calling her! You come across as needy and whining!


Bullsh*t. She started seeing other men because she's a cheater! If the marriage was over she would have waited for a divorce before taking off her clothes! This is in NO WAY your fault. Don't let her make you think it is!


Now her ADULTERY is out in the light where everyone can see HER UGLY SECRET. Now Grandma has to eat lunch with her cheating two timing grandaughter! Now your wife has to sit in front of Grandma and explain how she could cheat on her husband!

This is all good!!!

This is taken from Pep's Carrot and Stick thread...in case you don't read it...

Yeah, I'm sure she has a million reasons. I did too. Guess what? None of them mattered. My exhusband's neglect was about 100 percent. I still shouldn't have cheated. I should have divorced him.

They all rewrite history. They all do basically the same things. Funny, I thought I was original when I was wayward!

Her reasons could be that you looked at her crosseyed in 1986- it is still not reason enough to have an affair.

Waywards lie!

Darn, coach. You have reminded me that my failure to properly saute the romantic meal I made in 98 is likely a key reason why things happened to me.

Remember, a wayward says anything to justify her behavior. Cheating is NEVER justified.

Am I supposed to try and meet her EN's now? I really have no desire to do anything for her right now. I'm having a hard time excepting what she has done now.

That's a question only you can answer. Do you want to save your marriage?

What conditions would she have to meet for you to take her back?

I do want to save my marriage. She just isn't receptive to anything from me right now. She has become very cold.

I know what conditions she must meet but she can't say that she wants to work on our marriage. She just says she doesn't know what she wants.

She's not ready to meet your conditions- she is still wayward. This is not about her being receptive at this point.

Would she be willing to take the Emotional Needs questionaire that's on this site with you? That way you can see what her EN's are that she felt she wasn't getting met in the marriage and what areas you could focus on. She might not be but that would be a good start. I'd wait until her anger has lessened from exposure.

Plan A from what I understand is about trying to meet her EN's and eliminate Love Busters. Have you read about those? It's not about you getting anything in return from her at this point- even though I'm sure it's frustrating.

The thing is is that this is not going to be an immediate turn around probably. It may take a bit- are you prepared for that?

I have read about plan A. I didn't really even implement that in the past. I never set boundaries. D-day 1 was in November 07, D-day 2 was June of 08. Now this crap has come up. I don't know how much more I can take. I have been doing my best to meet her EN's since January with no return only more lies.

I know what I want from her and am willing to take the time to rebuild our marriage. If she can't meet the boundaries I set then I will be done with this marriage. It kills me to say that but I can't sit here and take anymore of this crap. I have been stepped on for way too long.

Tonight I'm going to work on our finances. My plan is to tell her if she doesn't stop her wayward behavior our marriage is done. When I do this I want to be able to show her that I have planned this out and am going to be moving forward.

NoName,

I told you once before that you wouldn't see any improvement in your M until you were ready to finally push the "F"-it button. It appears that you are there NOW. That's GOOD.

Remember, there is no one so free as he who has nothing left to lose.

So set your boundaries firm and then take the appropriate actions based on her compliance with those boundaries.

My "F"-it button will be pushed very soon. It feels good to know I'm done taking this crap but it's still hard. I know I have to do it and am preparing for it. I have gotten the support of my family for this and that really helps. Her parents have been telling me to do this for some time know I just didn't have the balls.

I never said it would be easy ... just NECESSARY.

FWIW, a good shot of testosterone never hurt anyone ... in fact it feels pretty good at times. YOU have done NOTHING wrong ... so don't doubt yourself ... just act from that position of strength and it will work out for the best, either with her or without her, as you (and all BH's for that matter) deserve a fully engaged equal partner, whether its your WW or another lucky lady that you haven't even met yet.

It doesn't hurt to do a very short Plan A while you get your Plan B ducks lined in a row... Even if you don't feel that you can do a whole lot to meet her ENs...don't LB, don't try to control her...focus on yourself, your girls and making your home a pleasant place to be. ((Did you read the Carrot and the Stick Thread link I posted for you?))

ps Just be careful not to get stuck in this cake-eating pattern. Once your WW calms down from exposure, I could see her trying to meet a few of your needs and being nice to you so that she can continue to get support at home while she pursues her OM activities...just taking it further underground.

(don't tell her about the keylogger and/or recorder. these are tools you may continue to need in the future!)

Hang in there.

WW's mood changes by the hour. She is mad one moment and then acting normal the next. I don't really have the stomach for this anymore.

This morning I see that she is still in contact with OM. She deletes these emails right away so I don't see them, but I'm sitting here watching her email account. Below is the latest one she sent.

Last couple days have been okay, I'm just sick of talking and repeating everythign over and over again. And now with the whole email thing with you is just driving me nuts. He has it in his head that I've been having this affair/relationship with you for months and I'm not telling him everything blah blah balh.... It honestly makes me sick to my stomach when I think about my kids and what I am doing to them. Kiley woke up crying for my last night and all I could think about is how is she gonna feel when she is crying for me and I'm not there. How did you deal with all that with Tavin?

She just got another email from him. I have to wait until she opens it before I can or she will know I'm here. From her email above it seems to me that nothing physical has happened yet. I still am not accepting him as her "friend". He is going to have to leave.

Here is the response from him

To be honest I struggled for a while with that. Eventually I just tried to focus on the times I did have him and tried to make the best of them days otherwise I drove myself nuts. It just sucks because they have to go through everything that we go through and it’s not fair to them

You may want to print these emails as you open them and start to document everything as another poster suggested to you.

Which OM is this? 1, 2 or 3? What info do you have on him? Is he M or have a GF?

Did the recorder turn up anything?

I have been printing them as I open them. I have been keeping a log of our days for the past couple months. The log really shows how often she is around her family.

The is the OM from Saturday night. She went to high school with him. I have not confronted him yet because I cannot find him. I don't want to do it with email, I want to speak to him. I have a couple people working on getting his number for me. I should have it by tonight. I know I should have had this before.

The recorder didn't turn up anything yesterday. It is in place again today. I know that her BF is not around today so I don't know if I will get anything today either.

Didn't talk about our M last night. We always get along fine until relationship talk comes up. We were just enjoying the night together and I didn't want to get into all this crap again. The recorder hasn't turned up anything except that she talks about a lot of worthless crap during the day. Her brother really laid into her about OM and all the other crap she has done. Not sure if that was good or not. WW was pretty mad about that, like it was my fault that she is unfaithful and he told her what she was. MIL was a little upset with exposure but FIL took my side.

I still don't have OM phone number. I'm not sure what I will do when I get it. I want to call him but I also want to be able to watch who WW is talking to. If she finds out I have his number she will just find another way to contact him so I can't see.
I really need to take the next step I just don't want step up and do it. WW talked to my sister last night. She went on and on about how much she has sacrificed and she can't do it anymore. When she has said this in counseling she can’t tell me what she sacrificed other than herself. I have no idea what this statement means.

I know I need to stand up here soon. I am more convinced now that things are not going to ever improve unless I stand up for myself. It sounds so easy when I put it down here. I have worked out our financial situation and put it on paper. I don’t know how we will make it apart from each other.

Yes, all the waywards harp on how hard they've tried and how much they have sacrificed. The same women who quit school and had this wonderful career in retail going "sacrificed" when they got married.

I'm sure your WW has sacrificed tremendously. She's a real martyr. (Violins playing in the background) :RollieEyes:

All the while I'm sure you've given up nothing or put in any effort.

You're not hearing anything different than the rest of us have heard. It's wayward fog babble. Don't let it get to you.

Just be strong. The important thing to do is to fight for your rights as a father. Securing those rights is more important than anything.