I have just registered with Marriage Builder's.

My problem is this:
My wife has recently changed her name back to her maiden name without telling me. I found out on my own when mail came to the house.
She says that our marriage has been a roller coaster for the last 9 years. We are a blended family > her daughter, my son and another son of our own. Her mother has always been a negative factor in our lives from day one. She hates me and everything I say and do. She also hates my son from previous marriage and always has horrible words to say about him and me.

Last April, my wife's brother decided to drive my car for fun and he blew up my engine which cost me about $7k to replace. I asked my wife to get her brother to pay for this damage and we ended up in an argument. We didn't speak for a couple of weeks or more because of this.

I worked harder to find this money and in turn did not spend any time with my wife because of this extra work. I told her I would rather spend this money on a family vacation but instead her brother now put us in debt.

He is not offering to pay anything and tells me that it broke because it's not new enough. I was very angry at him and at my wife for not forcing him to pay. I told her, "now we will have to suffer because of your brother".

When I found out that she changed her name, it was in May, she told me that it was the only way she can have some sanity and peace of mind while married to me.

Her dad had passed away at the end of June. This just reinforced her decision to keep her dad's name forever.

I am a very traditional person, and I believe that having my name in a marriage means; unity, loyalty, honour, committment, equality, partnership and companionship. Being married with the same name means your a team, you do things together and help each other out.

I cannot live with this name change and I can't look at her or talk toher the way I used to. I can't even find the urge to have sex with her anymore.

I walk with my head down and cannot speak to people for too long without getting anxiety. I am embarrassed to tell my family. I feel very shamed to have anyone know this.

I love her very much but I don't think she does the same way I do.
Can anyone help me ?
I think I need Dr. Harley to review this directly.[/font]

So what do you think she is trying to tell you by changing her name? I think you need to talk to her and find out some more about what's bothering her, just you and her, not her family and you. There is a reason for her wanting to use the name to get some distance, and I don't think it's just her Dad.

And does she understand why the name is so important to you. I had a similar arguement with my wife, actually she was still my fiance at the time. She wanted to hyphenate the name, and I understood her reason, but was hurt as I saw it as being uncommitted to the relationship. I was wrong about that.

I think you have more issues then just the name change and the car, and you probably need to explore those. JMO.

Wow, that's a lot to handle in a few short months.

There are a lot of tools here and a lot of information that CAN help you deal with the problems in your marriage. If you need help fast, from the best, go to the top of the page and click on the "Coaching Center" link, the third button from the left just below the "Marriage Builders" banner.

Meanwhile, have you snooped around to make sure she isn't involved in an affair? Your plan of action will be different if there is an affair.

What Jayne and above poster said. But here's what I don't get...how is changing the name going to change anything else besides the name? Changing your name does not change the living situation or the marital problems.

I would take her brother to small claims court. It's called being a responsible adult replacing something someone is responsible for breaking. I have a Buick that has 304,000 miles not it. The engine will not blow if it is driven responsibly. I would bring it up to him that if he is not willing to replace the engine you are taking him to small claims court.

I am currently trying to work out a better relationship with my wife. The name change factor is always in my mind and is hindering recovery.
As for her retard brother, if I was to take him to small claims court, wouldn't you think that my marriage would suffer more?
This is HER family we are talking about.

I don't believe she is having an affair, her schedule is pretty tight with the kid's. The rest of the time she spends with her mother.

I am always trying to find the time to speak with her alone to discuss this, but either the kid's will get in the way or her mother will get in my face.
Still trying - I'm not giving up yet.

Dr. Harley has basic concepts on this board that can help you get a grasp on your wife's top emotional needs and the love busters that you are doing that withdraw from her love bank. The same applies to her. I would hope that you can schedule time to be alone together to work through these worksheets, it will be well worth it.

Perhaps the name change was a way to get your attention.

One if Dr. H's books called, Falling In Love, Staying In Love covers all of his concepts, it's a great book and might be worthwhile for you to invest in as your guideline for working through your issues.

Hopefully the vets will chime in here if I'm wrong. And maybe I'm envisioning this situation completely different than what has happened but here's how I see this-
You or your wife let him use the car. He was irresponsible with it and blew up the engine. He blames the age of the car. Your wife gets mad when you insist that he should take responsibility for what he has done.

Am I wrong?

Ask her if she would be okay if her brother blew up the engine in her car. Would she be willing to work a bunch of extra hours to pay for it.
Seriously, if he broke something as a kid because he was careless did his parents just rush out and buy it for him again?

This should have been a man-to-man discussion.

You should have gotten in BIL's face and told him how he is responsible and how HE is going to pay for damage he caused. You 'negotiate' with power when dealing with a weaker male.

Making your wife the 'middle man' when the situation should have been handled by 'the MAN of the house' .... this shows weakness which is very unattractive to most women.

If your wife has seen you as weak for awhile she loses respect for you - and maybe the name change reflects her lack of respect??? Just trying to help you see another view.



Pep

Yes, you are right.
If he broke her car, I'm not sure if she would go after him or not.
It is her brother so I think, yes.
He could have bought me a new engine as if it cost him a cup of coffee. He makes plenty of $$$$$$$$.

Thanks for your input, but I did speak to her brother face to face and did tell him to pay for this damage he caused and did tell him the amount to pay.
The reason I am not pursuing it is because my wife tells me to leave it alone. That the car is old and to suffer with the damage and that I should not cause stress in her brothers life because he might go back to doing drugs again.
I told her that the money I have to spend will make US suffer, not just me alone and she sees it now.
He could have paid for this engine as if it were a cup of coffee because he makes 5 times what I make in a year.
So, as for being the MAN in the house, I usually am and did so with this situation as well.
I don't want you to think that I am a weak male, just that I cannot pursue this further upon her request.

Is is his choice to go back and do drugs, not your fault for causing financial stress. And if he makes so much money, then stress shouldn't be an issue.

First, have you read the material here on Love Busting (LB) and Emotional Needs (EN)? Your marriage is like a leaky boat right now, because you both have developed harmful ways of dealing with each other. Since you're here and she's not, you need to (1) learn what LBs you are perpetuating on her and STOP doing them, so the boat doesn't sink; and then (2) learn her top ENs and START meeting ALL of them, so the water will disappear from within the boat. But you have to stop the LBs first.

Second, I would guess that 70% of your issues are family-related, as she seems to have a very dysfunctional family. Mom knows best; mom loves son more and gave him everything he wanted so he hated himself and got into drugs and still now everyone babies him and doesn't expect him to have any responsibility; daughter is desperate to prove herself to her mom so she can finally be the one who mom will love instead of her brother, so she spends all her time with her mom and dotes on her, agrees with her, defends her over you, and is anxious to meet all of mom's needs. And where is dad in all this? Probably a milquetoast who hasn't spoken in 20 years. You're screwed. Unless you stop this unproductive dance you two have.

Third, the way you have learned to interact with wife and family is not only ineffective, it's detrimental. Putting your wife in the middle will NOT work - I've been there. I spent 15 years trying to keep my H and my stepmom from tearing each other apart, and it ended up nearly ruining our lives, cos she eventually turned on us. Stop expecting her to buffer everything, speak to her only about what goes on between the two of you. Anything with them, just go directly to them.

Fourth, tell your wife you're taking your BIL to small claims court in a few weeks. Then tell your BIL you're taking him to small claims court. Leave the parents out of it. If your wife gets mad at you, ask her why she is choosing them over you. Maybe you'll get some honesty from her. But if she does choose them, remember that it's likely because of her FOO mess, not you. Go forward with it; he may actually learn a little responsibility along the way.

Finally, insulate you and your wife from her family and start working on your marriage. Come up with inventive, cheap ways to spend time together, so she doesn't have that much free time to be with them. Makes you look more attractive, and mitigates the negativity.

You seem to know my life very well.
A lot of what you said is true in many respects.
Her dad just passed away at the end of June so that is more reinforcement to keep her name change now.
As for taking her brother to court, this choice will either make or break my marriage. I don't really care what he or his mother will think of me - just concerned how my wife will swallow that.
I will look into the LB's and EN's first and spend more time with her alone - I think that is a wise choice right now.
As for court, I still have time.
If I get her on my side then court will not affect her as much.
Thanks catperson.