I am trying to restore my marriage with my WH who had a series of affairs during our 20 year marriage. We have 2 fantastic kids, ages 15 and 11. Two years ago I learned about his indiscretions, we got some counseling, and actually made some progress in fixing our relationship.

But the turn around was short lived and we slowly stopped doing things together, stopped having sex, became argumentative, were distant with each other, and only discussed issues related to the house or kids. I finally caught him in several lies that led me to discover that he was involved in several EA with co-workers. I confronted him (rather angrily, I'm sad to admit)about these EA and at first he really didn't understand how damaging an EA was to our relationship, but I think he finally got it last week and he has now ended the EA, is creating transparency in his life, and reading some MB articles. Unfortunately being together in our home is incredibly stressful and awkward for all of us.

I feel like has acted out of spite 'to get me off his back' but the fact that he is doing some of the right things gives me hope. However, he continually states that he is not optimistic about our future together, says that he is no longer attracted to me, sys that we have little shared-interests beyond the kids, nor is he willing to fully commit to restoring our marriage. I realize that I have made many mistakes in our marriage too(haven't met his emotional needs, have angry outbursts, lack of honesty about my wants/needs, etc.) but I am 100% committed to rebuilding our marriage and am grateful that I stumbled across MB.

I believe that the affairs are over and I assume that my husband is in withdrawal. He is taking some steps toward rebuilding our relationship but the problem is that he plans to move into an apartment this weekend. He is trying to make the separation as friendly as possible (he wants me and the kids to help him move, we are working on a plan for him to spending time with the kids, with all of us together, date night with me once a week, etc). I want to meet his EN, yet I am confused as what behaviors I should display during our separation. The advice I am seeking is how do I make this separation feel painful to him when we are actually trying to work things out? What should I do and not do during this separation? Do I let him take furniture? Do I let him into the house? Do I change the locks? How do I meet his emotional needs from afar? Do we exchange small talk through e-mails/texting/phone calls? HELP!!!

Welcome to MB. Usually WS's move out because they want to spend more time with the OP. It is possible he is ready to move this EA to PA and thus the apartment. I would not support his decision to separate if you want to recover your M. Do not help him move!

Why not call Steve Harley for counseling and get real recovery going?

All indications are that the affair is over though I know that he is in withdrawl and I need to keep my guard up. He is agreeable to a plan that works on our relationship and is being transparent with his work and social life. He has been saying for a long time that he would move to clear the air and even though he is just starting to turn his behaviors around he wants to proceed with the split. I certainly won't help him move, but if we are working on reconcilling and I believe the A over, how do I make the separation painful yet still meet his EN?

We are telling the kids tonight that WH is leaving. I still believe that he is NOT in an A but instead is in a fog. I don't want him to leave and he is well aware of this. However my own anger and resentment is at an all time high and I start to think it would do both of us good to take a time out from each other.

I've been reading a lot in these forums lately and I am keenly aware of how far behind I this journey to reclaim our marriage. I have decided to let him go...no more reasoning with him, pushing him, etc. and instead to focus on managing my anger and to improving myself. Easier said than done.....

We talked today about what we should tell the kids. I'm very nervous about this discussion--trying to summarize our faltering relationship to my kids feels downright earth shattering and the last thing I want to do is rock their world! I would be grateful for any tidbits you have that might enhance our discussion!!!

It is a mistake to separate, but if you have no choice in the matter, I would let him go cheerfully. Are the family finances protected? Be sure to do that, because many are very selfish. I DO think he is having an affair, and I urge you to check that out.

Tell the kids the truth.

Sue, you are making a huge strategic mistake by separating. If you want to recover your marriage, it makes no sense whatsoever to separate. How can you fix something if he is not there?

Separating pretty much guarantees that he will continue his adultery. Separating makes him MORE vulnerable to an affair and makes it impossible to recover your marriage.

The answer is to stay together, so you can help him with temptations, and learn to get along. Moving out avoid stress is not a solution, but is avoidance that will lead to MORE problems. If your basement is flooding with water, the answer is to STAY and fix the ruptured pipe, not to LEAVE THE HOUSE.

You are making a HUGE MISTAKE and I would change your path before you cause some real damage. YOU ARE HEADED THE WRONG WAY.

I also recommend that you call up Steve Harley and get coaching from him. It will take a real solid plan to recover from this.

Do you know for sure that the affair/affairs are over? What makes you believe that the affair is over? If it were me, I would continue to believe that an affair of some sort is going on. WS's are notorious liars.


If he is agreeable to working on your relationship and he is being totally transparent, why is he moving out? As another poster stated, WS's generally want to move out to conduct their affair without interruption from the BS.

However, if he does move out, be sure to get your finances in order, as believer said, and make sure to get child support set up through your state, so that you can be assured of his assistance in that area. Will you be able to pay your bills yourself? If not, perhaps you can get alimony and/or food stamps, etc.

Good luck. My suggestion to you is to listen to the long timers here who are trying to help you (believer, Melody, etc). They know what is going on and have seen/heard/read just about everything.

The truth is that he is moving out so he can pursue his affair in PEACE and he wants you to be FRIENDLY about it. He wants to pursue his affair but doesn't want any trouble from you or the kids.

You are contributing to your own demise. You are cooperating with a plan to destroy your family and your marriage.

There is absolutely NO VALID REASON for him to move out. I ASSURE you it is only so he will have the freedom to pursue an affair.

I agree that it is a huge mistake but I can't stop him. He has made this decision but I am positive he is not in A right now but I am always on the hunt. What he says he is getting away from is the tension in the house, which I agree is unbearable and neither of us know how to move off center. He is NOT a good communicator and holds everything in. He has dealt with depression over many years (I'm sure due to the guilt of the affairs) and is not in touch with his emotions, nor mine.

He is VERY agreeable to providing financial support to me and the kids. He says it is the least he can do for ruining our lives. Unfortunately, I do not have a job...I foolish thought that our relationship was secure and I gave up my career to focus on our family needs while he focused on work. I'm obviously walking an economic tightrope these days.

I will try to be cheerful about his move, but not supportive. Get this...he asked me if I would swap the house for his apartment on the evenings he gets to be with the kids so that he can cook for them, play video games, help with homework, etc. Where is he coming from???I can't be that cheerful to go sit in his empty apartment.

How do you just let someone go cheerfully, anyway?

Your analogy to the flooded basement is perfect. My WH is an Olympic champion at avoidance. His solution for a disagreement or opposite point of view is to get mad, walk away, and/or avoid me in total silence. I (stupidly) learned over the years to keep our marriage peaceful by not bringing up tough issues.

I hear what you are saying about staying together. I will talk with him again about how the move isn't in our best interests. How do I do this without it feeling like I'm pushing, pleading, or reasoning? Or is that what I need to continue to do???

Do some figuring and see what your family needs are financially. Then see an attorney and have hubby sign an agreement to provide for those needs.

And let him know that since he is moving, he can provide for the kids' meals, entertainment, homework, etc. in his home.

Sure sounds like there is another woman somewhere in the mix.

Hon, he is trying to trick you. I would tell him that moving out is a bad idea if the marriage is be recovered. That is a bad idea.

I am just telling you he IS in an affair and has just taken a recess until he gets away from you. He has no other reason to leave. NONE.

I read alot on the OW board, and that is their classic trick. They want their affair partner to move out, keeping the affair a secret so there are fewer repercussions with the kids and wife. The fact that he says the least he can do is support you really makes me WARY.

I would hire a PI to see what is going on at his new apartment.

And protect the family finances with a written agreement.

Sue, would you believe me if I said this to you:

"dear, I am going to fix the leak in the basement by moving to Atlanta."

Do you think the leak would get fixed? Do you think that was my intention when my ACTIONS said the exact OPPOSITE?

If he is agreeable to working on the relationship and is adamant about moving out, then this time could be family time for ALL of you and during that time you can meet the EN's that he allows. I just don't understand why he would want to move out if he wants to work on the relationship unless there is something else going on. Of course, there is going to be tension in the home when something of this nature has happened, but running away from it only makes it worse!

Edit: Oh and I would make sure that any financial support he provides goes through an attorney or the state, etc. WS's often say that they are going to help out and do so at first, but eventually it gets to be too much of a 'problem' for them...you know?

He already thinks that our marriage is beyond broken and he tells me often that he has no basic interest in me and that we share little in common. His interest in restoring our marriage is minimal, at best.

It could be 'affair-speak' or 'fog speak' but regardless of which it is, this is my starting point and I have to deal with it today. I know this will be a long journey yet sometimes it feels like it moves at the speed of light.

Thanks for your insights!!!
I'll keep posting.

Okay, then keep reading here and develop a plan.

Secure you finances.

Then sweetly and cheerfully make it clear that he has chosen to move out, you are not his jailer, and he is free to go. Along with his decision come consequences, one of which being that you are no longer living as man and wife. Your home is your sanctuary and you will not be leaving. He needs to make whatever arrangements are necessary to care for the kids at his home.

My WW moved out and I helped her. That was before I found MB. Knowing what I know now... I regret not trying harder to persuade her to try and work on the marriage. I don't know if it would have made a difference, she may have already made up her mind. But at least I wouldn't feel like I encouraged the break up.

At some point there may come a time when you need to split up. (Plan B) But I think the big difference is that the split would be on YOUR terms not his, and after he saw you do a plan A.

It's very difficult to do Plan A when you're living in different homes. And a good plan A (not nessasarily a successful plan A) may be the differnce between a succesful plan B and an unsuccesful one.

Sue, the biggest issue I see is that he is moving out - with your blessing - to pursue an affair. Of course he wants to come to your house in the evening and play daddy, that will make him feel better about destroying your family. He won't feel as guilty that way and can still enjoy all the comforts of home while you are his "friend."

See, it makes it so much easier to screw you over if you will remain his "friend." That protects him from his GUILT. So, he needs your help in this. And he also needs your help in supporting his lies to the kids. He doesn't want them to know he is moving out for an affair.

But, since you seem intent on cooperating, I would only advise you to a good Plan A for about 2 weeks and then go into a completely DARK Plan B. Plan B is a separation where you do not see or talk to the WS. The reason is 2-fold, mainly to protect your mental health.

Dr. Harley recommends 3-4 weeks of Plan A before Plan B for this reason. Women have nervous breakdowns from this kind of ongoing abuse.

The second reason is to prevent him from cakeeating. It is clear that it is real important to your WH to maintain all the comforts of home, and maintain your RESPECT - via deciet and fraud - while having the freedom to carry on his affair. If you cut him off from everything except the children, he will not be getting his needs met in 2 places.

And getting his needs met in 2 places facilitates his affair and keeps it propped up.

Anyway, kick that around in your mind right now. But please brace yourself for the discovery that he is moving out for an affair and no other reason.