My DS is 4 years old. He is having a hard time now that Daddy isn't there. I'm trying to be as honest with him as I can (age appropriate of course) but I'm having a hard time with this. It's difficult to see your baby cry.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle or is there a web site that you think might help? I have talked to my IC and she just directed me to be honest. I also called the adoption agency and they suggested counseling for him. They also suggested the whole family sit down and talk to him and re-assure him that this isn't his fault and that we both love him very much and there for him & to start planning family get togethers. I have talked to DS by myself but father won't participate. EX just runs from the situation. I have made sure not to say anything negetive at all about his daddy. DS is just confused about the situation and doesn't understand where daddy is.

His father isn't around much nor does he call now. When he does come around, he makes every attempt to bring up our divorce in front of our son and cry and get emotional in front of him. This isn't helping the situation. I have tried to talk to his father but he beleives that we should not tell him anything and stated he knows we are going to get back together eventually (Not going to happen).

Last night Ex made an appearance (without telling me). EXH showed up crying and grabbing DS, which just escalated my DS to start crying.

Just not sure where to turn.

Can you see to it that they don't see their Dad for awhile? This must be so hard on them and you. Your H is being emotionally abusive. But the kids have you and that's a good thing. You are being very mature and loving. Most of all,the kids need to know this is NOT THEIR FAULT. Kids have a tendency to blame themselves.Lots of hugs and reassurance are needed. Please let us know how you are all doing. I personally would not let my H keep running in and upsetting things then leaving AGAIN. I don't know what the laws are in your state as far as keeping them from him. Maybe a little trip to break away from it all and help them focus?

I called ExH this morning and told him NO MORE unexpected visits. The visitation is Thursday nights and 1,3 & 5th weekends. He hasn't picked him up one time.

I re-assure my son daily and try to answer all of his questions as honest as possible.

Funny you mention getting away, because I am planning that. I have been trying to keep my son very busy with activities and play dates, but I thought a fun get away would be good for both of us.

Thanks for your advice. It is much appreciated

greeneyes. I have a 4 year old boy too, and I know exactly how you feel. However, I think my wife and I handle it pretty well, not great but well.

I find what your EXH is doing to be extremely selfish. He is using your son to try and get to your emotional side, and he doesnt's seem to care what it's doing to DS. I can understand that somewhat since he is totally convince the relationship isn't over. When you feel that way, it's easier to neglect your children's needs, thinking everything will be fine again when the family is back together, so getting you back is the #1 priority. It's not acceptable though.

Do you have family in town? I want to say it'd be good to have family members spend more time w/DS to help fill the void, but I really don't know.

But regardless, your XH needs to know that he is not welcome unannouced, and you will not give more time then you legally have to if he is going to behave in this manner. You might tell him to get counselling as well, so that he can find some peace with where he's at. Is there absolutely no chance of reconciliation? I say that as telling him that he needs to get fixed before there would be any chance would surely get him to go.

Absolutely no chance of reconciliation. We were together for over 15 years and married for almost 14. During that time my ex had 10 (yes I said 10) Affairs that I know about. I was verbally abused and put thru the financial strainer. It was not a healthy relationship and don't want my son growing up in that kind of situation.

I had no children of my own and can not have children. I had a very low self esteem (working on that and getting better everyday) and Ex pushed for adoption to make me happy. I realize now that adopting a child in the situation I was in was very stupid on my part. But now I have this child and love him with all my heart. I feel so blessed that he is in my life & beleive it or not he gives me strength to move forward and make a life for us.

I am in IC because of all of this and finally gaining some self respect. I refuse to put myself back into that situation.

I live quite far from my family but have been making the drive regularly to fill the void for my son & myself. It has been helping a great deal and my son loves to be on the go. I plan to move soon and that will put some distance between the ex so don't expect too many unexpected visits after that & it will put me closer to my family.

I realize my son needs his father, but when he is not around, my son does really good. Not too many questions and hardly any crying. He is a very active little boy and very smart.

Ex H is putting his needs before our DS and I have talked to him last time being this morning. I did tell him no more unexpected visits and told him of the visitation schedule, which he is fully aware of. He has yet to pick him up one time. He has told me a few times he is coming to get him (I have not told my son) and never shows up when he says. So I am hesitant of getting my son's emtions going only to be let down.

This is really hard right now & I'm reading everything I can and reaching out everywhere I can to help my son to adjust. I know in my heart he will be fine in the long run. I guess I just want to make sure I'm handling this right with the cards I have been given.

I really wish ex & I could work together on this but don't see it happening any time soon.

Thank you for your Advice It really helps

My wife tells me the same. When I get to spend time with my kids though, my 4 year old will not let me leave the room without him. He will not nap, and he will not even go to church since we'll be separated. He always wants to know how long I'll be staying, and will let me know how badly he doesn't want me to leave.

I always tell myself that I shouldn't feel too guilty about it, I am doing everything that I can do. I think the same should apply for you. I feel for his pain, but I don't hold my self responsible. I think they need to see that.

But you are very right for your decisions. A father is important, but it takes more then just birth to be a father.

Also, I think your son will learn to see his father for what he is. Yes, his Dad loves him, but his Dad has his own problems. He will find other men to model after, just make sure those are good ones.

dkd, Thanks for everything. It gives me some hope.

Now that my family knows everything, the men in my family have certainly stepped up to the plate. My father and my Brother N Laws have been trying to spend some time with him playing and going places. DS loves this and looks forward to his time with them. I realize nobody can replace his father but it does help I think to fill part of his void.

As for future relationships on my part I'm not looking. I need time to recover myself and definately not ready. My time is spent with my DS, Family, & Friends. I am totally content right now. I'm very gun shy and may never be ready for that committed relationship but who knows. It is the farthest thing from my mind.

Thanks again

Kids handle things so differently. I have two daughters from a previous marriage. My 12 year old has accepted that her mom and I will not be together.

My 10 year old will however still make comments about being hopeful that her mom and I will get back together. She's still hurt by our seperation and doesn't understand why Mom and Dad can't be together.

My exW and I have been divorced for 8 years and seperated for 9.

I would suggest documenting on your calendar each and every attempt at visitation, every time he phone to speak to the child and everytime he missed scheduled visitation.

It seems that if YOU want him to visit, then he won't visit.

But as soon as you are talking about moving, ex's such as yours often put up a big fuss, as you are now taking the choice of visitation out of their hands. Now all of a sudden despite ignoring the child for months, they start interfering with your plans to move. They want the control!

By documenting everything now, if necessary, you can present it to a judge and show how he has taken no interest in visitation up until this point.

Definitely document the visits, and more importantly, the missed visits.

There are many great books on divorice, even for kids his age. One called Kokko Bear.

You might look for a support group in your area, to help both of you. There's one called www.rainbows.org which is great.

Also, seeing your family more is good. But remember, families come in all shapes and sizes. From our "family of origin" FOO, we can grow through our "family of Choice" FOC.
That is, close friends who are near and can support you and your son.

I have great friends who have helped through thick and thin. And my kids see these friends and their kids more than they see their own aunts and cousins.

You sound like you are in a good place. IC's are great and there are many great books to help you heal too.

Thanks so much for the advice.

I am documenting everything as a few of you have already suggested. This was advised by my attorney early on. If I ever have to use it in court, I certainly will. My ex is taking me back to court to have child support lowered and wants a few other changes, which I'm not in agreement to but we will see how it goes.

Ex has not called to talk to my son one time, however I have offered to let him talk to him when he calls to talk to me and he declines stating that he can't understand him over the phone. Whatever, my son talks very clearly for a 4 year old. I make phone conversations very short and to the point only pertaining to my son as advised by my attorney and IC. Ex has not picked him up for one visit, which is what I think visitation is. Not coming to my home and hanging out. I made it very clear in my conversation yesterday morning and ex said he understood.

I have not told my ex that I am moving because it will not be until the end of the year or perhaps January. I will of course let him know, when I know and provide that in writing as the papers indicate.

Last night we had no unexpected visit or calls so I guess (or hope) what I said to him yesterday morning sunk in. It was a very peaceful night and I enjoyed my son.

Newly, Thanks for the book recomendation, I will go and get it from the library today. Also, I will check out the web site you suggested.

I definately have a wonderful support group of friends & family not to mention a fantastic church. Overall things are great, just a few bumps in the road but will get them resolved soon.

Again thanks to everyone!!