Larry,

You mean your middle name is not "Fabio"? Well, mine isn't either. I always wonder about women complaining about men reading porn and fantasizing, when they are reading "bodiace rippers" with Fabio on the cover, doing precisely the same thing.

JL

MiM,

Working on communications IS about restoring love. So please do read that book, especially IF she finds it good. Why am I saying that? It is a window into her expectations, her view of things, her 'love language'. You may not like it but if you come to understand what she likes about that book or any other, you are gathering intellegence that will be very useful to you.

She had an affair, she is cold because she has not healed from it. Hopefully with time this will change.

God Bless,

JL

JL wrote:



There is an other possibility: She seems cold because she feels emotionally unsafe?

Jim, I wonder if you have ever sat besides a person you know blames you, or does not like you? Were you then turned into an extrovert, easy going person? Or did you find yourself a difficult person, who did not easily find words, unsure of yourself, clumsy in your movements and saying the wrong tings?


When your wife now speaks to you, and when she writes here, she sees and hears herself with what she thinks is yours eyes and ears, and the eyes and ears of the betrayed spouces here. And seing / hearing herself that way, she does not like what she sees and hears. There is no surprise to me that she writes in a garded fashion! The shame has that effect on people. Try to "walk a few feet in her shoes" and you will understand a little of how she feels.


Perhaps a few FWS's could chime in and share how it feels to be your wife at the moment?


Do not assume that her apparent distance is due to lack of dedication or willingness to work on the M.
Many BS's have experienced that it was only after the full forgiveness sat in and when a safe emotional situation had persisted for a while that the F-WS thawed up and became themselves again.

I read through it last night. It does seem pretty good. There were a few things in it that I was practicing already in fact. I mentioned to my FWW one of the things that I tried that didn't work - the use of metaphors. The wasn't happy about that, saying that I was always being negative, but it's true: when I tried that approach, I got responses along the lines of "I don't know how I really felt then", or "I can't understand what you're trying to suggest" response, or even just a blank response, which experience has taught me usually means "I don't really want to think about what I thought and felt at that time because I find it uncomfortable and annoying to do so".

This ties in with what appears to be her personal way of dealing with both her wrong choices and her bad experiences - she simply chooses to not think of them any more and gets quite resentful if anyone reminds her of them. This is my view, based not only on what she's told me, but my experience with her as well.

Of course no-one likes to be reminded continually about their poor choices, but this goes a bit beyond that.

I understand that. I don't think she does yet.



LOL Larry - she wouldn't believe that if it came from me!

so very true.

There is also a third possibility...and after reading her posts it seems more likely.

She could just be a lousy selfish person that doesn't appreciate her husband.

To answer some of the latest questions you've posted to "Tangled" thread:


I think she's already answered that question, suggesting that I'm remaining with her just to "punish" her for her A.



I'm very interested in how "Tangled" chooses to answer those questions in her thread, if she chooses to do so, as MY answers to those questions would be definitely no, no and no. Yes, the topics may have come up a few times in our conversations, but only when I raised them, and the response I got suggested little interest on her part in what I was really feeling about myself. It's like she really doesn't want to know that stuff about me.

I would not go as far as describing her as "selfish". She comes across as anything but that under most circumstances. I think it might be closer to the truth to say that she's not very interested in me.

MOST...I am sure you are right. But when it comes to you...I think she hits the nail on the head.

MIM,

""and the response I got suggested little interest on her part in what I was really feeling about myself. It's like she really doesn't want to know that stuff about me.""

This is saying such a huge mouthful!!!

If it's true then set her up in the maid's quarters or the east wing and start charging her rent!

Hope it is not true and she is just a lousy communicator.

OR hearing how you feel just opens the old wounds (if there were any) of the numerous times she has ripped your heart from your chest. So she would just rather not face it again.

kirk