Ryprynne,

Great post......you've had some good ones lately.....

I started a thread a couple of months ago title "When does the Fog roll in".....

Here's a link to it for those interested or missed it....there's a great post by Mark, FH, and rprynne (again...) in there that all BS who stuggle need to read.....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2082903&fpart=1


not2fun

Yup. I was told that she was "considering my feelings" :RollieEyes:

Yeah, me too, that's why my MD had to tell me what was going on.
And waywards think what they don't know won't hurt them:

think again.......

ONTH, my FWW thought I would never find out what was going on. Does this sound like a person without premeditation?

I'll never buy the excuse that "it just happened" without any premeditation on her part. That's just another way of burying your head(and shame and guilt) into the sand. JMHO.

ETA: lies of OMISSION are just as deadly as lies of COMMISION.
They are both designed to have the same outcome...dishonesty and gaslighting of the victom.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I understand what you are saying. The same exact thing happened in my situation. Sadly, I do blame myself for what my WW became, but NOT what she did. She is no longer the same person at all. She is quite cold and I believe she is looking ahead to carrying that burden the rest of her life. She was a very religious person as well. I’m sure the images/memories haunt her. I too worked way too much and didn’t pay enough attention to her. She became resentful and into something she can’t stand now. I think if I’d always been a loving/attentive husband it would have prevented her from stooping to that level, but I did give her an out at the beginning of her A.(Unknown to me at the time of course) I told her if she wanted us to separate, I’d take the hit and be the “Bad Guy” while we worked things out. I also asked her if there was anyone else around the same time. She declined the separation and said there was no one else. At that point, my conscience is clean and I have ZERO responsibility for the A in my mind. We could have separated and she could have pursued her “friendship” while I went on about my life. Of course, CAKE EATING is so much more enjoyable.

TTH,

Thanks for being patient. I’ve been on vacation this week and it’s my w’s birthday, so I’ve been very busy elsewhere.

I wanted to respond to you, because I mostly identified with your sort of rant posting about exactly how frustrated you were in dealing with your W’s unfaithfulness.

“

Glad to see you are counseling with Steve. This is a biggie. He should be of immense help in the months to come. We all need a roadmap in life when disaster strikes. I tried to weave my own through books and periodicals, as I had nowhere else to turn.


Well I can’t agree with you more on that point, as my W’s boss worked on her for nearly 3 years before getting her to drop her pants as well. He was a very determined predator in sheep’s clothing, and I will take great pleasure watching him roast in he!!. Doesn’t take the onus off my w’s decision to do so though. She was a willing participant, and contrary to a great many WS’s protests to the contrary, she made that decision well in advance of those panties actually coming down. I know many will disagree with this and claim “its just not so”, but at the risk of evoking their feeble protests, my opinion on that will always remain the same.



So did we all, and to be emphatic here, so SHOULD we all. Simple truth is love IS true and pure. Don’t deny or obscure that fact. Don’t let life’s trials turn that thought sour. If you do, Satan wins. You seem to have more fight in you than that, so good for you. Don’t lose those good and pure thoughts about love. They are real!! Do not let yourself be defeated. Keep those pure thoughts in spite of EVERYTHING!


And process you will for some time to come. Dr H talks about forgiveness but instantly acknowledges that FORGETTING is all but impossible.

So now you have a new challenge in your life. One you never expected to be confronted with. But God knew what trials you would face and allowed it because, somehow, it fit into His plan of what you would do with it. I suspect that in time, after a period of healing and restoring, you will be coaching and helping other “newbies” through the same trials and q’s that you have plagued yourself with. When that happens, God will have for filled His plan for you, one that you never saw coming.

In the mean time, my existence here on this forum is now coming to a close. I ranted, I raved, I cried, and I pissed off a lot of people that didn’t need my [censored]. I have not much more to offer. In the end, we either believe God is on our side and the side of our M, or not. In some cases, He is not, but who am I to judge?

I will leave you( and others) with this final thought. The path to salvation is clearly marked with obvious bloody footprints leading up the path to Calvary. If you have ever intended to follow His path, the trail is clearly marked. You simply begin by putting one foot in front of the other and trusting God for the rest of the journey.

I wish you all of God’s blessings on you and your marriage, TTH, truly I do,

ETA: My apololgies to Introvert, for the TJ that has occured. Seems I just keep finding ways to PO you without intention.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry - You may be gone, so this may be falling on deaf ears.

I typically comment from a perspective on EA's that later turned into PA's, as that is what I have gone through. I think the dynamics are different for PA's that become EA's or ONS's, etc. I think the dynamics are usually different whether it is a WH or a WW.

But to you're point, I would also be surprised at the statement "many WS's protest" when you say one does not just "fall into a PA". Because I also don't think one just falls into the physical part of a PA. Perhaps premeditated is too strong a word, but I agree a WS makes a choice about the A becoming physical. Whether that choice is to "actively pursue" the physical part or to decide they are not going to resist if it goes that direction, I don't know. I suppose it's different for different people. But I do think this is a choice and it is "asked and answered" before things become physical.

I personally do not get too hung up on the physical part of my FWW's A. This is not because it does not bother me, it does. But I guess somewhere I realize that the physical part is "what people do" when they are experiencing the emotional part. I know someone will post "well, that's not what I do.", but my response to them is that then they must be exceptional. IMHO, it is the rare person that faces these emotional elements and navigates them "correctly", not the average person.

I know there are exceptions to every rule, but I think many BSs underestimate the role that sex plays during the EA only phase of the A.

Sure, there is some "normal" chit chat about "normal" things...work, kids, problems at home, favorite foods, etc.

But a GREAT DEAL of the chatter during an EA (especially online) revolves around sex. Talking about what you like to do, don't like to do, where, when, how, etc.

Much of the banter is little more than verbal foreplay, and both WSs know it.

People speak of EAs and PAs as if they are completely different animals. They often are not. By the time they have sex for the first time, they already know what the other person likes and dislikes.

I've seen it enough, with my own two eyes, to know it is the truth.

yep

I forgot to state that my whole point was that there is a TON of premeditation involved in virtually EVERY PA.

There are no "accidents", "slippery slopes", or "heat of the moment".

The above is the truth.

I think when a wayward says "they didn't mean an A to happen" they are talking about before the first premeditated meeting. I certainly wasn't looking for an A, I didn't even think it was a possibility for me. I loved/love my H and couldn't imagine SF with anyone else. The idea was horrific and out of the realms of reality. My standards were too high, my boundaries were too high. After that first premeditated meeting, yes, it all comes down to choices and decisions. If you ask a person in an active A they will say "it happened" blah blah. "No choice" blah blah. If you ask a FWS, they will tell you it was choices every step of the way.

again, yep.

Exactly. Well said.