|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
I met someone thru my workplace 2 years back, he's not a colleague tho and we started contacting each other. We've grown to enjoy each other's company alot. The EA was strong. At the same time, I also went thru alot of guilt and confusion. When I chanced upon this site, I knew I had to end the friendship. With the constant nagging of a close friend, I ended it a year back. He took it and agreed that it was the best thing to do cos we're both happily married.
It was a deep struggle during those months. He was silent for that few months and then, he called. I won't deny the fact that I was elated to from him and since then we contacted on and off again.
This time, just last week, he called it off. He was plagued by conscience ... which a good thing. Boy ! I was overwhelmed by sadness. We talked and decided again it was the best thing to do ... before things get out of hand. There is too much to lose, both he and I still love our spouses and our 3 kids.
I'm sure all who are reading will agree ... it is the best thing to do. I know it in my head but my heart hurts like crazy and is so lonely to go thru this by myself.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833 |
NO CONTACT FOR LIFE!
That is the only thing that will save BOTH of your marriages.
You've already experienced that the renewed contact instantly reawoke your "feelings" for each other.
This is very dangerous for BOTH of your marriages.
IT IS DIFFICULT. But no contact for life is the only way to PROTECT both of your marriages.
For the sake of BOTH marriages write a NO CONTACT letter to OM.
Be honest and tell your husband about these feelings for the OM. Have you husband help you to protect your marriage.
Together, you and your husband can build a stronger marriage but you MUST cut contact for life with OM for this to occur.
Your marriage will not be able to grow as long as OM is "waiting in the wings" either physically or mentally. NO CONTACT FOR LIFE IS CRITICAL for you marriage to be able to grow.
Stay Strong!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 274
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 274 |
I agree with WTF (sorry...just using your initials, dude, not swearing  ). You need to tell your H about this. It must be a scary idea, but he is on your team and together the two of you can address how this happened and how to make sure it doesn't happen again. Before I was a BS, I always would say that an affair is the result of a problem, not the cause. I never thought that I would be a BS...but I now find that my initial thoughts were true. While the affiar is definitely a problem (and BTW, that's what you have been having...an affair), there are probably reasons that led you to look elsewhere. Talk with your H. Read the Basic Concepts together. Work the program. You are in withdrawals. Let your H fight for your marriage too. He deserves at least to know the truth. Mogi
BW (me)
FWH (him - he's earning the F)
3 boys (4, 5, and 7)
M 1997
LT EA/PA 2004-2007
D-Day #1 Feb 2006
Joined MB.
D-Day #2 Feb 2008
D-Day #3 Aug 2008
Began REAL recovery Sept 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
WTF,
Thanks for reinforcing the idea of No Contact. I get the idea but it is really drastic that we shouldn't contact [u]for life[/u]? You don't find alot of people you can connect with in your lifetime, isn't it a pity to lose a fine friend ? This is a mental struggle that I face ...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571 |
I get the idea but it is really drastic that we shouldn't contact for life? You don't find alot of people you can connect with in your lifetime, isn't it a pity to lose a fine friend ? This is a mental struggle that I face ... When you have feelings for a 'fine' friend then its a problem. If he was such a friend then he nor you would have had EA feelings for each other. So to answer your question Yes to NC for LIFE. Fine friends dont help in A's.
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
Mogi
Thanks for the tips ...
Indeed, it was withdrawal, I was like a zombie the whole week, there but not there kind of feeling, couldn't engage in anything. I'm feeling more in control today.
I've no guts to tell hubby really ... he's already suspecting that something is not quite right with me. I feel sorry for hubby, he didn't do anything wrong. Not only that, he does his role well as a hubby and father. I have no reason, absolutely no reason to find a substitute. I feel raelly bad about the episode.
I just want to get back to the normal routine of things quickly.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571 |
Things cant happien over night.
It will help very much to talk with DH plus he deserves to know. And tell him jsut that. its not his fault and you take full blame and want to work on whatever it might be that is needing to be worked out.
It will keep getting worse if you hold it in.
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
'Fine friends dont help in A's.'
I have to drill this into my head !!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 384
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 384 |
WTF,
Thanks for reinforcing the idea of No Contact. I get the idea but it is really drastic that we shouldn't contact [u]for life[/u]? You don't find alot of people you can connect with in your lifetime, isn't it a pity to lose a fine friend ? This is a mental struggle that I face ... Well, actually there are LOT"s of people you can connect with. Can be a c-worker, a trainer, a teacher, etc. can be anyone to whom you decide to confind, talk about too often, it's actually easy when one starts doing with someone else what should be done with spouse. Of course, daily stress, kids, work, bills often get in the way... and the adrenaline of the "beggining" of a relationship is too temptive. I am sorry you are here, but happy you made the the wise decision of stop it. Please, re-discover your husband, start talking with your H and you see these feelings you think you have for the OM passing to your H. Dont take your H for granted. Be honest to him, to your familly and to YOU. Keep reading the MB principals, the site, not only the boards and you'll see you have the best M and the best friend and lover in and with your H, the father of your kids. You will feel so ashamed you fell of in this situation. Hope you the best. Be strong. Focus on what's really important in life. Read what LOVE really is.
d-Day- jan2006
Me 38, WH, 36
Children-8 and 10
status: slow, slow, recovery...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 384
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 384 |
What's more important in the long run? A nice friend? or the one you LOVE (even if you think you don't now) who you promise your love and decided to have kids with? A nice friend? or your family and your kids. Please read the following post from General questions:
Never in a million years did I EVER think I would be here - in a forum for people coping with and recovering from affairs. I'm sure no one else did either.
I'm sorry I just DON'T get it. The MINDSET of a WS... Can someone please help me understand it?
My short story: Married 15 years, husband had affair with co-worker, OW's H called to tell me about it. OWH works out of town a lot, they were going to her house to have "sexual relations", same story as all the others on this site, hundreds and hundreds of phone calls, emails, text messages, couldn't wait until the next time he could just hear her voice.
Lots of people at work knew, no one called me, it was condoned or other co-workers just didn't know what to do. The exposure brought shame, embarrassment and shocked him back into reality. NC since D-Day - a requirement for me to stay in the marriage.
The 1st few months lots of blaming me, then admitted it was totally his choice. He says it was a big mistake and he wants it to just go away.
I have cried or screamed every single day since March D-Day. I just don't understand it. I have read every book there is to read on Affairs now. I know it is an addiction, a fantasy life, a get-away from reality, someone else is meeting their needs, it was so important to get that need met that men and women will risk EVERYTHING to "feel good"
So many people hurt in the process, such a selfish thing to do.
Why do affairs happen so often? It's just hard to believe that so many people are willing to risk EVERYTHING for a self-esteem boost. My husbands exact words "I loved the way she made me feel, she worshipped the ground I walked on, she was always happy and positive, she gave me awesome compliments about my bedroom perfomance" - I may throw up now excuse me...
COME ON....this isn't REAL. WS's HAVE to know that this is a life with no problems, no stress, no kids, no homework, no bills, no in-laws, no college tuition, no death, no teenagers problems, no baseball, soccer or cheerleading practices to get to. A stress-free, care-free fantasy life. Certainly they see this???
I'm hurt, angry and insulted that she would smile to my face at my husbands job knowing she was sleeping with him the whole time. Boy, it sure makes you NEVER want to trust anyone again.
An affair is a cruel thing to do to your husband/wife and family. Some of these posts say healing time is 12-24 months - WOW. We had discussed "people who had affairs" so many times in the past - now I'm one of them. I was so niave and trusting.
Just trying to accept and learn from it and what a hard lesson it is. One minute I am fine and the next tears are flowing from a memory of an old conversation or event triggered.
I go from sad to mad to rage in 6.3 seconds flat. I dont think you want your family go thru this do you?
d-Day- jan2006
Me 38, WH, 36
Children-8 and 10
status: slow, slow, recovery...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
I really appreciate all the encouragement ...
Rediscovering hubby ? How to create that 'feeling' again ??? We've been married 10 years with 3 kids. Since day one of marriage, we'd do all the stuff to keep a marriage alive - name it, we did it - once a year, we'd go for holidays (just the 2 of us), we have regular dates to dinner, to the movies, going for marriage retreat and I'm absolutely puzzled how something like this can still happen ??? I take the blame but I'm also lost at what other steps I should take now - more hols ? more time together ?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 384
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 384 |
I bet that if WS' had a chance do antecipate just a very little bit of the damage, pain and hurt they would cause to the ones they love there wouldn't be so many affairs.
My point is, YOU are here, in MB, NOW, you have that chance!
I am really happy to see you're seeking advise to reafirm you what you already know deep inside. Let go of those feelings and work on your relationship with your H.
Only with the OM totally out of the picture you can do this.
d-Day- jan2006
Me 38, WH, 36
Children-8 and 10
status: slow, slow, recovery...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
Lost willow,
It's true, I know what is right in my head but can't seem to bring it to my heart. How my heart cringe to know that I can't contact OM anymore !!! (I know I ought to be stoned for saying this but this is how I feel exactly)
Perhaps, I'm emotional now but as I read the response, I'm welling up in tears ...with appreciation that they are people who care and want to see me successfully overcome.
I have a lot of emotions bottled up. It's difficult to share with anyone and have anyone's sympathy cos I'm the WS ... my best friend's patience is also running out on me.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571 |
Well first you need too see how it is. OM was and is a threat to your M. You need to find out what made you attracted to OM and set it as a boundary to not stumble on that with anyone else but your H.
You need to do a full NC to this OM and come clean with your H so both of you can work on this together. He is there to protect you. It wont be easy FL but you need to do this. *as you can tell I WAS a WS*
You need to not think of the OM as a friend. He was someone that was willing to wreck not just his M but yours. And you could have lost everything you and H gained over the yrs to this OM. Would it have been worth it? Loose the house, any kids if there are any, your job because you just got to wrapped up with OM...etc...
No I dont know him. I dont want to know him. To me as an outsider hes horrible for even TRYING to ruin a person and her M. Not saying what you have felt is any better. You were at one point thinking of a life with OM. and that alone is not good. You say your M is great and you cant understand why you have felt this way. Well somethings not being met and you need to find it.
Is your heart in your M? Do you want to start R with your H?
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 596 |
Lost willow,
It's true, I know what is right in my head but can't seem to bring it to my heart. How my heart cringe to know that I can't contact OM anymore !!! (I know I ought to be stoned for saying this but this is how I feel exactly)
Perhaps, I'm emotional now but as I read the response, I'm welling up in tears ...with appreciation that they are people who care and want to see me successfully overcome.
I have a lot of emotions bottled up. It's difficult to share with anyone and have anyone's sympathy cos I'm the WS ... my best friend's patience is also running out on me. Fwd, Its very good that you have come here and want to do the right thing. I do notice that you may not truely understand the gravity of your emotional affair, based on some of your comments about "is NC for life necessary"? You probably don't want to admit it yet, but if you read the stories on here, you will see that the chances of your emotional affair progressing into a full blown physical affair were overwhelming. You may say "oh no, I would never do that", but this board is full of people who said the same thing. My wife is grappling with this very issue right now. She cannot understand how a friendship with a coworker progressed into having sex at a seedy hotel. To put it in perspective, the OM represented your capacity to lie, deceive, and betray. He represented the very worst in you. I say this to hopefully help you take off those rose-colored glasses that allow you see to him as someone you truely connected with. Your husband and marriage represent your capacity to be honest and loving. He represents the best side of you. You are doing the right thing to end contact with OM and reinvest in the marriage. I have some advice for you though. Dr. Harley's books are good, but for an emotional affair, I really think you should buy "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Then read it at least twice. Also you do need to tell your husband. He has a right to know what is going on in the marriage, and he will help keep you accountable for maintaining NC with the OM. Its far too easy for you to slip back into the Affair without that accountability. Trying to keep this secret will also serve as a barrier to intimacy. Being honest with him and enlisting his help in affair-proofing your marriage will result in an increase in intimacy. Do the right thing. Tell your husband the truth, read and learn, and implement strong boundaries to protect your marriage. Best wishes.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
Definitely I want my marriage, hubby & 3 lovely kids. Emotionally, too weak to give anything or anymore now ...
In all this time, I haven't neglected my roles ... still do my part to run the household, care for hubby & kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
To put it in perspective, the OM represented your capacity to lie, deceive, and betray. He represented the very worst in you. I say this to hopefully help you take off those rose-colored glasses that allow you see to him as someone you truely connected with. Your husband and marriage represent your capacity to be honest and loving. He represents the best side of you.
I never saw it this way ... gotta ruminate on this.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895 |
Fwd,
I am glad you found this site. If you take the information, advice and support that you find here to heart, you will save two marriages and two families. Read all of the articles here. Read the stories on these forums. They could be your story. You have been blessed to be here before you destroyed your M and family.
You cannot begin to recover until you have sat down and had a heart to heart with your H and confessed this inapprropriate friendship to him. He will be hurt but it will give the two of you a chance to explore how and why you crossed this boundary and put your M at risk. He will also hold you accountable to NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. The OM's betrayed wife also needs to be told.
Look for and print the Emotional Needs and Love Buster questionaires on this site. Filling those out with your H will help the two of you to begin to rebuild your M
Most important right now is to tell your H about this Emotional Affair. Then and only then can you begin to recognize the importance of NC for life. Please do this today.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 571 |
FWD
Just checking on you and see how u are doing.
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 14 |
Hi Pretty
Thanks for asking.
I've been up and down. I thot I'd get over quickly this time round since this is our second time calling it off, I shd cope better. Not really, this round ... I've been sick physically - basically, very lethargic and feeling sleepy most times. I just don't feel like doing much.
Still miss him alot but I've been telling myself ... all the things that are told to me on this site !!!
Wish I am stronger ...
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
153
guests, and
64
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,490
Members71,959
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
