My baseball tournament is tomorrow. My team finished 1st and we have a great chance of winning the tourny tomorrow. For those who haven't followed my story, I play in the same league as WstbxH. We've played for 10 years on the same team until D-day. Last year, D-day occurred in between sign-up and the first game. I put the league in somewhat of a tailspin to get traded but they managed to do it. It was torture playing last year - he kept bring OW who was too afraid of me to come down to the diamonds so she sat up on the hill and they spent the entire time on cell-phones to each other. Everyone in the league was very supportive, which was why I returned this year. I'm also dating someone who has played in the league for even longer than me.

Anyway, this year OW regularly came down to the diamonds and sat on the benches. I saw her up close for the first time - she is pretty scary looking. There is another couple on my team that works with them. They had been friends with OW and OWH and OW has tried hard to maintain friendship with them now that she's with WstbxH. However, my BF is also friends with this couple and has tailgated with them after the games for years. So throughout this season, we (BF and I) have tailgated with OW's former friends. WstbxH has made several attempts to embarrass me and knock me out of this arrangement but they have failed. OW has also tried to spread rumours about me and OWH told me she was whining to him that I'm talking behind her back because people at baseball don't like her (HELLO? They are intimately familiar with the entire situation and they all KNOW you're a tramp!!!). Their antics are getting noticed and people are really starting to shake their heads in wonder about WstbxH's choices.

So, tomorrow is tournament day. She is bringing her DD, who has hung around with my BF's DD at baseball in the past. OW has her DD worked up to play with BF's DD (my informant is OWH) who's not even going to be there since the day is expected to be long. Last time OWdd came when BFdd was there, WstbxH approached us before we'd even set down our stuff on the bench and BFdd was excited about breaking into the freezies so she didn't want to go down to the park with OWdd. If he'd waited 5 minutes, or just did nothing the kids would have found each other. I feel bad for OWdd who will be stuck hanging around the ball park for a minimum of 4 hours (if their team gets knocked out early) and NOBODY brings their kids tournament day.

We have to play WstbxH's team in the morning. I missed both regular season games against them due to work so this will be the first time I sit across the same diamond from OW. Our team won both games and his team is generally weak anyway but it will be awkward. He pitches (we pitch to our own team in this league) and I play 1st base, so we'll have to cross paths between innings. I'm sure OW will attempt to visit her "friends" on my team.

Plus it's an entire day - well at least 1/2 a day if their team is out early. Then the banquet later on. They didn't go last year. WstbxH hates those kind of things - I used to have to drag him there and one year I went on my own. According to OWH, she lives for these things, so perhaps she'll convince him this year. I know she really, really wanted to tailgait with us (one night they sat in the truck for 45 minutes not 100 yards from our tailgait party - probably trying to decide whether to join us or not - they didn't). There is also another couple she used to hang out with when she was with OWH who stops by now and then (they don't play but they come join our party after). I know she's short on friends and family due to both her adultery and moving out to another city. WstbxH has no friends so she's been trying to host dinners and BBQ's and stuff to lure people out there but has not had much success. Her only real friend is one of her sisters who also had an A and was blacklisted from the rest of their family.

I realize I've rambled away here but I've got mixed feelings about tomorrow. I'm excited that I'm on a team with a chance to win - I've never been on the winning team before. I'm also nervous that OW will be there, especially since they've been getting bolder and bolder each week. This could be the week they actually DO come right up to us. I should really start preparing myself for what to do if they try to join us at lunch or something. And I might have to face them in a confined area during the banquet. Though they will sit with his team, the room isn't that big for the number of people there.

So folks, if you don't mind, wish me luck tomorrow! Luck with my game and luck keeping a cool head on my shoulders dealing with OW and WstbxH. On the plus side, this will be the last time I have to see either one of them until next year.

I should rename this "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly."

The Good: We won the tournament! I also hit a double. We had to play Wstbx's team twice but we beat them both times. Wstbx got hit by a ball (not mine but it was satisfying nonetheless).

The Bad: WstbxH and OW decided to join us for lunch. I kept my cool but was unhappy about it. He sat down on the blanket next to me. She hovered off in the background.

The Ugly: They also turned up at the banquet afterwards. In all the years I played with him, he has NEVER wanted to go to that thing. I would have to drag his sorry butt out there and he would do nothing but complain until we left. One year I even went on my own. So it was a shock to see them there. Of course, they joined our group - and did so while I was somewhere else talking to other people. So I stayed where I was and my date stayed where he was (with Wstbx and OW). This just got under my skin and I started to boil. I let him know and he and the others in the group tried to convince me to sit with them but I refused. I told them I already had all her STD's and that was enough for me. Anyway, I didn't manage to keep my cool, I eventually went off on both my date and WstbxH and ended up storming out of the banaquet even before the prizes were given out. It really sucked because not only did I embarrass myself, but BF & I had a fancy hotel booked since it's my birthday today and we're both working so we were going to celebrate that night (also so we could both drink and didn't have to drive). He ended up there on his own.

I've talked to him since then and explained exactly why I was so p'd off. But I'm definitely leary now because he could have stood up for me but he didn't. So now I feel very depressed, my self esteem has taken another hefty blow and my birthday is ruined. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, if anything. On the plus side, I won't see that jack@$$ for another year. But he definitely won this battle - BIG TIME.

Well, thanks for letting me vent.

Why in the heel did your XH come and sit with y'all?

BF should have ejected his @ss there and then.

That's what I wish would have happened. The trouble is, the group we hang around with is/was friends with OW and her stbx. They also all work together (my stbx, OW and this other couple). OW and Wstbx lost a good many friends and family which has been driving her nuts. And every weekend, I'm tailgating with the only couple that hasn't completely blacklisted them - probably because they have to work together.

As for the BF, he's hung out with this couple for years and years. He's also known Wstbx for as long as he's known me, though they have never hung out together. At the banquet, he wanted to hang out with his friends (he only sees them during the season and we'd just won the tournament together). He thought I could handle Wstbx and OW since I managed to at lunch. I also thinks he worries that I'm not fully over Wstbx though he's never said anything to that effect (just a hunch). The situation was just bad for me - I was stretched past my limit. I was the one who flew off the handle and I know it. Yes, he should have been more considerate of my feelings but I don't think he fully understands the extent of my hatred for OW and Wstbx. And he certainly doesn't know that Wstbx HATES those parties and was likely there for the sole purpose of upsetting me (which he did).

Tabby - I'm going to ask you to reread this and then I'm going to ask if you see what you could have done to alter this situation.

I'm very wary whenever someone says of their SO, "He/She should have known/done/seen/understood _________________". In my experience and from what I have observed, often times this is a sign that expectations haven't been effectively communicated.

I would also caution you that your reaction to the Wstbx and the OW might suggest a lot of potential drama to your date. If the roles were reveresed, is this a situation that you'd want to find yourself in the middle of?

Tabby, I know this won't be popular here...but you brought this on yourself. You played in a league where you knew you would run into ex and his affair partner. YOU showed an acceptance of their situation by choosing to participate. I likely would have done the same thing...but since you have a BF...and he is also part of this group...I suggest that you either change the people you hang out with...or accept this and not get pissed off about it.
I would strongly suggest that you take a little while and reevaluate your friendships. Why are you choosing to be friends with people (or associate with people) that are friendly with an adulterer?

As for your stbwx...he may have hated doing these things in the past...doesn't mean he doesn't want to do them now. IF he was there to upset you...he won.

If I were your BF, I would choose to walk away until you were in a better place regarding your stbx. There seems to be too much baggage still present (which is understandable given your circumstances) and your BF is being thrust into a situation he really has no part in. HATRED is not an emotion that I would like to see in a new partner. It is far from the ambivalence that is present when someone is truly able to move on.

Yes, Tab, If I were you I would look at my choices. Question why you even want to be involved in events that the OW is at.

You singlehandedly created your own drama here. Now your boyfriend knows you as the "drama queen". You had a nice motel and you left your current boyfriend in the dust, punishing him unfairly, for your little drama that did not have the desired result in your mind.

Also ask yourself what you wanted to happen from that particular day.

1. Did you want to "show" your ex and his OW how happy you are now?

2. Did you want to show them your new boyfriend?

3. Did you want to win the game ?

4. Other reason_______________________?

If I were your new boyfriend I would now question why he had to be dragged there, inserted into your little drama, and then ABANDONED when you got pissed off. He was USED by you and ABANDONED. I feel your boyfriend did nothing wrong!

Man, stay away from all these people you think are your friends. Stay away from your EX and the OW also. Why bring this on yourself and why risk ruining your present relationship by dragging your boyfriend thru YOUR little drama.....

yep

You guys are absolutely right of course. Perhaps if I had thought he might show up, I would have been prepared and handled myself better. As it was, it completely threw me for a loop.

As for playing in the league, it's one of those things that I grappled with for a long time. It came down to a choice between doing something I enjoy with people who were very supportive of me last year vs. giving up yet another thing to that lyin', cheatin' POS.

I think that's what got me so riled is that it was supposed to be MY night and he had to come along and crash it.

I think you should call your exbf and apologize for your unseemly behavior. Let him know that while it is evident that you are not ready to date just yet, that you hope he will forgive your behavior and perhaps be willing to remain friends. This way, there may be a chance that you can pick things up later. I ASSUME that since you were to stay in a hotel with him that you had a close, exclusive relationship.

^^^YOUR expectation, projected upon everyone else.

And because everyone else decided to selfishly follow their own agendas (that was sarcasm btw), your night was ruined, and your date was likely unimpressed as well.

Right again Seabird. Fortunately, my date is understanding now that we've talked. I'm sure he's got a red flag waving at me though.

Sorry Tabby.

Thanks.

Hey Tab...

As you know, I can relate, as my STBXWH (divorce should be finalized any day now) played ball in a tourney I was in last September.

He chose to abandon the ball league we had played in for years together, because I was still continuing to play, but for the tournament we had entered, there was no avoiding.

We played his team, and he was right po'd. After attempting to make a small scene (or just see me up close at an earlier game) WH tried his best tp pretend I was not there... but ended up making himself look like a [censored] in the meantime. Then, after winning the game, my team lined up to shake hands with his... and he refused to line up. Talk about a poor sport. :P

Anyway, even if OW had been there (she was not) I would not have cared anyway, because I found I am happier without him in my life then I was with him in my life. I don't think you are there. You seem to have a lot of resentment over the situation, which makes me wonder how over it you really are.

Do I forgive his actions? Not at all. Do I hate what he did to me? You better believe it. Do I carry a grudge? No. I found it easier to let it all go because hating does absolutely nothing but create tension and drama. And besides, OW and WH are not people I would even be remotely interested in being friends with, so I really don't worry much about them or what they will or won't do.

Wait... that not entirely true. In reality, I do find myself wondering what goes on in his life at times; mainly because I want to know if he is suffering. I think it is normal to all have a little sadist in us. hehe But, that is as far as it goes for me. I have moved on, and am living the most amazing life, with a great man.

I think you are still holding on to that grudge, and you need to find a way to let go of it. Don't let it hold you back from enjoying YOUR life.

"HATRED is not an emotion that I would like to see in a new partner. It is far from the ambivalence that is present when someone is truly able to move on."


I have never thought of this medc. I think that is very true. Very very true. It has taken me a long time to get to ambivalence. And it is only very recently that I have gotten there. IF I am completely there yet I am not sure... But I just wanted to say that I thought that was a very good and true statement.

And Tabby, I agree with what the others are saying...

I believe you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what I'm struggling with. I am hoping that not seeing him at all will help. I'm also preparing the house to sell - I think once I'm out of there there will be even fewer triggers (I still go off from time to time when something breaks or needs work that in the past he would have done). But yes, this grudge is becoming a heavy burden.

Not seeing him WILL help.

I have not seen my STBX in over a year, and honestly, it has been a Godsend! Actually, yesterday would have been my 6th wedding anniversary, and I had forgotten about it until the day before. It hadn't even crossed my mind.

My only problem it seems, is my enjoyment of "hearing" about how unhappy he is, or how much people dislike him. Is that normal. My boyfriend got upset the other day, because I received a message from one of STBX's co-workers, bashing the hell out of him... and I indulged it because it made me feel awesome that he is not liked. Plus, he was saying to me that I dealt with too much BS and that it was not fair.

Is it wrong of me to feel that way? To get enjoyment from hearing these things? I guess he does not want to hear about STBX? I know there have been times my parents have brought up STBX, and it did not bother him in the least, but for some reason, this time it did. Anyone know why?

Whether it's right or wrong, I hope it's normal because I feel the same way. It's not that I go looking for it, but finding out even the smallest misfortune of his makes me feel good. I was even thrilled that oil went up again because he's driving a gas-guzzling truck and her car takes premium. Pretty pathetic I guess. Then again, I know that she (OW) has it in for me and that's what doesn't make sense since she has never even met me and I didn't do anything to her.

Just FYI,

This from wikipedia:

Ambivalence - a state of having emotions of both positive and negative valence or of having thoughts or actions in contradiction with each other, when they are related to the same object, idea or person (for example, feeling both love and hatred for someone or something). The term is also commonly used to refer to situations where 'mixed feelings' of a more general sort are experienced or where a person experiences uncertainty or indecisiveness concerning something.

So I don't get how this word has anything to do with Tabbi's issues with her ex. And why would her new bf want her to be ambivalent?

And why would anyone want to see more ambivalence from Tabbi? Anyone for benevolence?

Love in Christ,
Miss M